The Distance Between the Real and the Ideal
“Keep a close eye on the people you surround yourself with. If there are dark corners in their hearts, illuminate them with your presence.”
-from Realtalk: A Governor Speaks Out, by Raj Calai
Sid was there to welcome Yan and her rescuers when they arrived back at the Impulse. Kino was not.
The shuttle settled down in the bay with a thump that Sid could feel in the tips of his fingers, resting on the wall outside. As soon as the bay filled with air once again, Ervantes opened the door and Sid rushed in, followed by a whole team of medical personnel. The medical crew probably would have gone in first if they hadn't been reassured over and over by Yan's rescuers over the radio that she was in fine health. Sid had earlier convinced Captain Wen not to come, since he was worried that the whole experience might be overwhelming for Yan. Even without the captain and Kino, there were still probably too many people.
The shuttle looked very out of place aboard the Impulse; it was on loan from the Gatekeeper, so its insignia did not match its surroundings. It was larger and differently designed from all the shuttles that surrounded it, since most of the Impulse's shuttles could never enter an atmosphere, and this one was designed for a water landing. The door opened from the inside, and Sid caught his first glimpse of the returning party.
All three of them were bedraggled looking, wearing ridiculous colored tunics and cloth shoes. They brought with them a potent smell of salt water. Even a good many hours in the filtered air of the shuttle couldn't clear such smells away, apparently.
Maedes looked approximately the same, aside from her ridiculous getup and a touch of sunburn. Perhaps her expression was a little more haunted than it had been last time he had seen her, but Sid had been around Maedes during some pretty bad moments, so it was hard to tell. He noticed that she snuck a glance at Hernan behind him. Apparently that old interest hadn't actually gone anywhere during the time she had been gone.
Then Yan came out of the shuttle, drifting out into the bay and blinking in the sudden bright lights. She looked bad. Sid hadn't seen her in a long time, so maybe he had just forgotten what she usually looked like, but she stared straight ahead of herself, even when any normal person would have looked around to check out their surroundings. She was skinny and moved slowly. For a spacer, this gravity free environment should have been second nature to her, but every motion was hesitant, as though she didn't know where her own limbs were. As she caught the side of the shuttle and turned to push away from it, Sid caught a glimpse of the back of her neck, where a nest of white raised scars was clearly visible.
Sid didn't want to wait for the third person, the other rescuer, to come out of the ship. He pushed off the ground and drifted towards Yan, dragging his feet to stop himself before he crashed right into her.
He tried to smile, but he felt like so much had happened, he wasn't even sure what he should be doing to say hello to her, after all this time. She stared out, almost over his head, and he went up on tiptoes to be at eye level with her, the magnets in his shoes engaging with the floor. He gave her plenty of breathing room. He didn't want to get too close in case, well... In case.
“Hi,” he signed. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Maedes going around to talk to the medical team. He ignored her.
Yan's face twisted up in something halfway between sadness and amusement. “I can't see what you sign if you stand so close to me,” she said aloud. “My neck doesn't move anymore.”
It was the rueful expression she wore, as much as anything else, that told Sid that nothing was ever going to go back to the way it was. The Yan he had been through so much with was gone, and this one was a stranger. She didn't offer an explanation, but clearly she considered her neck an old wound. And if that was old, what more had there been? Sid almost didn't want to know.
He didn't move away, so he spoke aloud. “Are you okay?”
“I'm alive,” she said, which wasn't really an answer, but he shouldn't have expected anything else. “I never thought I'd see you again.” She had a sort of wistful look on her face.
“We weren't going to stop looking for you until we found you,” Sid said. He didn't know if that was actually true. They were going to declare her dead if she hadn't been found in a year, but that didn't necessarily mean they would stop looking. Since she had been found, it was a moot point.
Yan was awkwardly silent for a moment. The other rescuer, Calor, came up to Yan's side and laid a hand on her arm. She seemed rather possessive, and Sid had to wonder if they were talking through the power. He recognized her, now that he saw her in person. They had been in the same year at the Academy, though she was much more sunburnt now, and had a more confident and wilder look about her than he had ever noticed as he passed her in the halls. Perhaps he just hadn't been paying attention.
“There's so much I want to talk to you about,” Sid said finally, breaking the pause in the conversation. “I've missed you so much.”
A trace of Yan's old humor returned, despite the grim circumstances. “Just you and Kino to get along together. I can't imagine it.”
Unfortunately for Sid, his recent argument with Kino had left him feeling rather uncharitable towards her. He scuffed the ground with his foot, forgetting for a second the effect that would have on him in the zero gravity environment, and accidentally ended up pushing off the floor a little bit. “Yeah...” he said.
“Is Kino alright?” Yan asked, suddenly alarmed, face blanching.
“She's fine. We just had an argument. Sorry. Don't want to drag you into my petty drama. Don't worry about it.”
Yan relaxed fractionally. Sid made an effort to stop being so grumpy for a second. After all, here was Yan, the person he had been aching to find for months. Somehow this reunion was more pathetic and anticlimactic than he had expected, though basically anything would have been.
Sid could see the medical team behind him waiting to get their hands on Yan. “Hey, so, you're definitely going to need to get checked out by the medical people,” he began awkwardly.
Yan cringed, but her rescuer pulled herself up to whisper something into her ear that Sid's glasses didn't pick up, and her hand unclenched at her side. It looked like that unclenching took a lot of effort, with her fingers peeling back from her palm by brute force of will.
“And I have to go talk to Captain Wen about the Impulse's plans, so I guess we should go do that and meet up later. But,” Sid scratched the back of his neck, “can I give you a hug?”
Yan smiled a little. “Yeah.”
So Sid tentatively went forward and wrapped his arms around her. Ever so slightly, he reached out the power towards her, wanting to provide some reassurance. When his power met hers, he jolted backwards. Her power felt like a raw, open wound as it touched his, bleeding and painful. He was so startled that he let her go.
“Yan?” he whispered. “Are you okay?” He had to ask again.
“I'll tell you later,” she said. “Go talk to the captain.” He looked up at her, and her face was frozen stiff, though her eyes glistened and she blinked rapidly a couple times.
Next to Yan, Calor glared at him. Whatever her problem was, Sid didn't really want to know.
“I'll come find you,” Sid said.
“Yeah.”
Maedes came back over, and she ushered Yan towards the medical team, who took her out of the bay. Sid followed them out, then split off to head to the captain's meeting room.
He came out of his meeting with the captains having gotten what he wanted, but as the meeting wore on, he became less and less sure that he actually did want what he was asking for. Captain Wen was ready to take the Impulse back to Emerri. The less his ship had to stay in orbit around this star, the better it was for his crew, who all desperately wanted to go home. As for Captain Baczynski of the Gatekeeper, she was prepared for the long haul, and prepared to take Sid onboard, as well.
Sid had thought that was what he wanted, to stay in the center of the action, but as he sat there, talking to one captain in front of him, and one on the telecon, Yan's face kept floating into his mind. Was it really fair of him to abandon her now?
But then again, she had survived. It was all over and she was going home. He would come back eventually, too. Soon enough, the Gatekeeper would have an ansible running in this system, and communication would be easier, so he wouldn't have to serve as Sandreas's voice here.
Still, he felt a little bit guilty as he trudged back to his little room and let himself in. He had made this space his home, during the long time he had been aboard the Impulse, even if his usually fairly neat habits meant that it was still approximately the same as he had first found it. Still, he had grown used to the tilt of the chair at the desk, and the way the light from the exit played on the ceiling above his bed, and the way he had laid here with Ervantes.
He would have been leaving it eventually, but it felt very strange to know that it would be going and he would be staying behind. He would have to start the whole process of becoming acquainted with a ship again on the Gatekeeper. There wouldn't be anyone like Ervantes over there.
But that wasn't even the problem. He felt just... bad. He felt bad, and that was all there was to it. He needed to talk to Yan, but first he needed to pack up his belongings, and write a letter.
He wrote the letter first, because he didn't want to lose his nerve.
Dear Sandreas, he began.
I know this is going to sound like I'm being a whiny child, or maybe like a kid running to tell on their classmates. If you think I'm overreacting, maybe you should take it that way and ignore everything I have to say.
I'm giving this letter to Lt. Cesper to give to you, because, long story short, I don't trust Kino not to do something stupid.
During the planning meeting with Cpt. Wen and Cpt. Baczynski, Kino tried to interrupt the whole operation. I'm worried, maybe I shouldn't be, that she's going to try to do something potentially destabilizing. Don't ask me what; I don't know. But she seemed really upset about the whole thing, and she swore she would do whatever she could to stop it.
Was she like this when you went to Tyx III? Is this a sudden change, or has she always been like this and I just didn't notice?
Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that keep an eye on Kino, alright? I'm no stranger to doing dumb shit in the heat of the moment (as you know), and as much as we don't get along, I don't want to see her dig herself into a hole she can't get out of. Maybe talk to her, or have Halen talk to her, or (ugh) send her to the Emperor to have a talk. Maybe don't do that one.
Hope you are doing well. I'm sure you will see Yan long before you get this letter, so I won't bother updating you on how she's doing. I don't know myself.
Yours,
Sid Welslak
He put the letter on a data stick, and tucked that into his pocket. He would give that to Ervantes in a minute, then he would go see Yan. But first, he needed to pack up his room.
Sid found Ervantes in his room, and unlike last time it only took a short knock to get him to answer the door.
“Hey,” Ervantes said. “Have you talked to Apprentice BarCarran yet?”
“Not yet,” Sid said. “I came to talk to you first.”
“I'd say that's a major dereliction of your responsibilities. She seems slightly more important. But come in. How'd your meeting with the captains go?”
“Fine. The Impulse is leaving soon,” Sid said.
“I know, just as soon as everything the Gatekeeper needs is transferred over.”
“That includes me,” Sid said. “I'm heading over there.”'
Ervantes sighed, his chest heaving up and down, and he ran a hand through his hair. “Are you really?”
“Yeah.”
“I'm not going to stop you, but it's a bad idea,” Ervantes said.
“Why?”
“I know you like to think of yourself as First Sandreas's authority here, but Captain Baczynski can take care of this herself.”
“Well it's too late now. She said I could go on her ship, so that's what I'll be doing.” Sid felt mildly put out that Ervantes wasn't just going along with this. “And I'll be back on Emerri as soon as we get an ansible up and running.”
“That could take months.”
“There's nothing that pressing happening on Emerri,” Sid said.
“You don't know that. Being stuck out in space without communication is harder than you might think,” Ervantes said. “But like I said, I can't stop you.”
“How is it any different than this trip we've already been on?”
“Length of time, mostly,” Ervantes said.
Sid sat down on the bed, pushing Ervantes's unmade sheets out of the way. “I'll miss you,” Sid said.
“You came here to say goodbye?”
“Uh.”
“What?”
“I actually came to ask a tiny bit of a favor,” Sid said. His face heated up a bit, and he fingered the data stick in his pocket. “Please don't be mad.”
“God, Sid, what is it this time?”
“I know you said you don't want me putting you in Sandreas's path, but--”
Ervantes shook his head, sitting down and leaning onto the side of his chair, resting his temple against his spidery hand, in a really comical pose.
“You're the only one I trust,” Sid finished, feeling like he was being plaintive.
“I find that hard to believe. Is this about Mejia or BarCarran?” Clearly Ervantes was picking up on the troubled relationship between the apprentices.
“Kino, but please don't let either of them find out.”
“I hope you're not doing something stupid,” Ervantes said. “I don't want to be party to some sort of childish revenge.”
Sid flushed hotly. “I'm not out to get her. I just want to stop her from doing something stupid.” He fished in his pocket for the data stick, and passed it to Ervantes. “This is a letter for First Sandreas. Can you just, I don't know, request a meeting with him and give it to him?”
“You really don't even trust the regular infosystem? You could just send him a message, you know. I doubt anyone has hacked into the Impulse’s computers to read your mail.”
“I don't know. Maybe I'm being paranoid for no reason. Maybe I'm just hoping that you won't be able to get a meeting with him for weeks, and by that time the ansible will be set up, and I can tell you to call it off.”
“Is this a 'shoot the messenger' type situation? Is this going to come down on my head?”
“Look, if you don't want to give it to Sandreas directly, give it to his bodyguard, Halen. He'll take care of it.”
“I'll get it to where it needs to go,” Ervantes said. “But if you're really thinking it's that stupid, why don't you just not send it in the first place?”
“I don't know,” Sid admitted. “I've just got a bad feeling. I'm worried that Kino is going to do something that we'll all end up regretting.”
“Like what?”
“I tried to run away, once. She could do the same.”
“That's hardly an offense requiring a secret letter.”
“Ervantes, none of the three of us, because we're Sandreas's special project, we don't have the same secrecy requirements that you do. She could do anything.”
“I'm sorry, but do sensitives have some sort of vital piece missing in their brains?” Ervantes asked.
“I mean, it's because during the selection process, you're supposed to find people who will mesh with you the best, so there shouldn't be any security concerns...” Sid said, but he realized how dumb he must be sounding and stopped. “I don't know. I don't think she's going to do anything bad, I'm just saying that she could. So that letter is just to tell Sandreas to keep a closer eye on her.”
“Fine,” Ervantes said. “I'll deliver your letter.”
“Thank you so much,” Sid said. He felt slightly relieved, though that relief was accompanied by an equal weighing of guilt. He didn't actually want Kino to get in trouble, and telling Sandreas to keep an eye wasn't itself inherently a punishment for her, but... His thoughts swirled unpleasantly, and he bunched up the fabric of his cassock in his hands.
“Not a problem,” Ervantes said. “But I can't guarantee it will get there in any sort of timeframe. If you think she is going to cause trouble, I can try to rush it, but I don't have a lot of clout, you know.”
“I'll tell Yan to tell Sandreas to summon you,” Sid said.
Ervantes shook his head. “I'm going to miss you.”
“Same.” Sid wasn't sure if this was a 'this relationship is over' type conversation, or a 'I'll see you in a couple months, and we'll pick up where we left off' type conversation. He didn't actually want to bring that up, just in case the answer was the former.
Ervantes seemed to have no such problem broaching the subject. “I don't know where I'll be reassigned to, once I go back on duty,” he said. “So I don't know if we'll be able to see each other anymore.”
“I know you don't want me to mess around in your career,” Sid said, internally wincing, because he had already specifically requested that Ervantes be assigned to Emerri. “But...”
“I'll think about it,” Ervantes said, face cautious. “Once you're back in contact, send me a letter or something. I think having some time will help me figure out what I want to do with my life.”
“Maybe figure that out before you go talk to Sandreas,” Sid said. “He's probably going to ask.”
Ervantes shifted a little uncomfortably in his seat. “Fine.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it's fine. It's an opportunity. I should see it like that.”
There was an awkward pause in the conversation. “This day has been a real ride, hasn't it?” Sid asked.
“How long have you been awake for?”
“Too long,” Sid admitted. It was probably approaching three shifts, but he barely even felt tired. He still had a lot to do.
“You should get going, so you can get onto the Gatekeeper and take a nap,” Ervantes said.
“Is this you kicking me out?”
“No, but you should go see BarCarran.”
“I'm procrastinating on saying my goodbyes to you,” Sid said. Awkwardly, he reached out across the gap between them, and put his hand on Ervantes's knee. Ervantes covered his hand with his own. “I don't really want to go.”
“Can I give you a kiss goodbye?” Ervantes asked.
“Of course,” Sid said, and leaned forward.
There was a newfound lightness in his step as he left Ervantes's room. He was a little sweaty, and he stopped in the bathroom to wash his face. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His eyes had deep shadows underneath them, though the pallor of his face probably wasn't helped by the harsh industrial lights above. His tattoo was stuck in its plain black mode. He took a second to hide it, going back to his normal bald skull. Over the past few days he hadn't bothered doing anything fun with it. It hadn't been worth the effort.
Overall, he looked worse than he felt, but that was only because he enjoyed being with Ervantes. Thinking about his next destination, going to see Yan, brought him back down to reality.
Talking to her when she had just gotten off the ship had been first awkward, then scary as he felt the wreckage of her power. It felt like it had been torn apart, like the edges of it had been ripped off. He had never seen or felt anything like that, not even when the Emperor had sealed his power away. That had been annoying, but it hadn't been painful like that was.
Something boiled inside him. He felt angry at whoever had done this to her, and that justified and motivated his stay aboard the Gatekeeper. He took a moment to calm down and compose himself in the mirror. He didn't want to bring any of that to go see Yan. She probably had enough to deal with without having him weighing her down with his weird secondhand revenge fantasy.
Sid left the bathroom and headed down towards the medical area. He discovered that Yan was not there, because she had been given a (mostly) clean bill of health and assigned a room. He took that information and went to go find her.
Sid knocked on the door of the room she was assigned. After a moment, the door opened a crack, and Calor came out.
“What do you want?” she asked.
“To talk to Yan?” Sid said. He was completely taken aback by Calor's hostility. She was shorter than he was, but with her hands on her hips she still seemed formidable.
“Are you going to upset her like the other one did?”
“Sylva, knock it off,” someone said from inside the room. Sid obviously couldn't identify the speaker from words alone, but after a moment, Iri Maedes stepped out.
Calor seemed to deflate a little bit at Iri's appearance. Iri put her hand on Calor's shoulder and steered her slightly out of the doorway, shutting the door behind her, perhaps so Yan wouldn't hear their conversation.
“What did Kino do?” Sid asked, feeling slightly resigned to cleaning up her mess. If she had burdened Yan with taking her side on her little crusade, Sid would find her and kill her himself. Yan didn't need that.
“She apologized for forcing Yan to go on the trip alone,” Iri said.
It had been so long that Sid had almost forgotten the original purpose of Yan's departure: to go consecrate a new colony. She had asked for company. Sid couldn't go because of his punishment, and Kino couldn't go because she claimed to be cursed, and so Yan had been forced to make the trip alone. He could imagine that Kino felt slightly bad about that, but really, was this the time?
“I'll tell her that she was being inappropriate later,” Sid said.
“Oh, she already got an earful,” Iri said, gently pushing Calor, who frowned. “I can't blame her, really.”
Sid gave Iri a questioning look.
“I don't think there's a single person who knows Yan who doesn't feel somewhat responsible for what happened.
“I don't,” Sid said. Lucky him, he guessed.
“Well, I do. And that comes with a compulsive need to apologize.” Iri bit her lip slightly. “She's been through a lot.”
“Do you know what happened to her?”
“Not everything,” Calor said. “She doesn't like to talk about it, so don't make her.” She glared at Sid in warning.
“I won't, I swear. I'll be on my best behavior.” Hadn't they seen he was capable of being normal when she first arrived? Why were they being so overprotective now? Was it just because of whatever nonsense Kino had pulled?
“I have a report that I've been compiling. I'll give you access to it,” Iri said. “But again, sensitivity is the key word.”
“I know,” Sid said. “I mostly came to say goodbye.”
“You're leaving?”
“You're leaving, I'm staying. I'm transferring to the Gatekeeper, and the Impulse is going back to Emerri. I didn't want to leave without getting a chance to really talk. Alone,” Sid clarified.
Calor glared at him. “I don't trust you.”
“Clearly, and I don't really know why. Maedes?”
“You can call me Iri, you know. I'm not technically an employee of the Empire any more.”
“I know. I got your resignation letter.”
“Hah. Yeah.” Iri looked bitter. “That's neither here nor there. Sylva, he's fine. Take the time you need.”
Calor looked as though she was going to say something else, but just shot him a foul glance instead. Iri led her off down the hallway.
Sid went in and shut the door behind him. For some reason, he had thought that Yan would be laying in the dark, but the room had all of its lights on, and Yan was sitting at the desk. In front of her, a computer was paused on a frame from a movie that Sid vaguely recognized: some romcom his sister had once made him watch with her. She had headphones on, but she pulled them off when Sid came in.
“How's the movie?” he asked.
“Fine,” Yan said, turning to look at him as he came in. She gestured for Sid to have a seat on the bed.
Someone had given her a Fleet uniform (without any rank insignia) to replace the strange tunic she had been wearing. She looked much more normal in a uniform, any uniform, than she did out of one. This one in particular was meant for someone a good deal wider than she was, but it covered her body, which was the goal of clothing, and more than could have been said of what she was wearing before.
“Glad to see you dressed in real clothes again,” Sid said.
Yan shrugged a little. “It's all still borrowed.”
“I'd've given you one of my cassocks if it had any hope of fitting you.”
“Remember that time you wore one of mine?”
Sid smiled. “That was a long time ago.”
“Yeah.”
It seemed like the conversation was bound to be stiff and awkward. Sid was determined to tiptoe around anything that might upset Yan. It was nothing like the easy camaraderie that they had enjoyed before. Even when they had suffered together, they had been able to talk to each other. Yan picked up on his apprehension and spoke up.
“How have you been? I assume your punishment is over.”
“Ages ago. I've been mostly alright. Trying to be responsible and stuff. I almost died when we went to deal with the Guild ship, but that's the most exciting thing that happened.” Aside from all of this, anyway.
“Guild ship?”
“I forgot that you basically don't know anything that's been going on with the Guild. It's a bit of a mess.”
Yan leaned forward a bit, curious. “The Dreams isn't involved, is it?”
“No, no. You remember that Ungarti Vaneik died, right?”
“Yeah. Who became Guildmaster?”
“Technically Wil Vaneik did, but Nomar Thule has been running things behind the scenes.”
“I guess that's not that surprising,” Yan said, leaning back in her chair. “How's Yuuni Olms doing? I always liked her.”
“Ha. She's fine, just involved in drama up to the ears. Let me backup to the funeral a bit.” He did not mention Olm's fear of assassination. That probably wasn't something that Yan was interested in hearing about at this moment.
“Alright.”
“So, when Sandreas and Halen were at Vaneik's funeral, they discovered that he was murdered.”
“What? How?”
“Yeah... Thule did it, or was responsible for it, anyway.”
“Sid, if you're making up some story--”
“Why would I lie? You can look it up as soon as you get back to Emerri.” Admitting so early that he wasn't going back with them was a slip of the tongue and a mistake, but Yan didn't seem to catch it, or at least she didn't comment on it.
“Why would Thule kill his own master?”
“As far as I know, that's the ongoing mystery. Maybe it has to do with sensitives needing a sensitive master to keep them on a leash, and Vaneik didn't have the power.”
“Seems unlikely. Olms isn't crazy.”
“She isn't?”
Yan's face was calculating. It was a nice change from the general distressed look that she had been wearing. News from the Empire was a good and distracting topic of conversation. “You say Thule is still manipulating things. He hasn't been arrested?”
“I think the rationale on that is that since there's very little concrete evidence, it would make a very bad image even worse.”
“Hmm...”
“Kino knows more about the whole situation than I do,” Sid admitted. “She'd probably be able to give you more detail.”
“So what does this have to do with you almost dying?” Yan asked.
“So, as it turns out, for at least a few years, the Guild has been working on linking stardrives together. They were building a supership out at a secret station. We found out about it, and Kino and I were sent to go shut it down.”
“And my family has nothing to do with this either, right?”
“Awfully suspicious your family's up to something, aren't you?”
“Captain Pellon, I trust. My uncle Maxes, I emphatically do not,” Yan said.
“Apparently Sandreas, Halen, and Kino got to meet both of them at Vaneik's funeral.”
“Oh, great,” Yan said, her mouth pressed into a flat line.
“I'm sure they had nothing but good things to say.”
“Yeah.” Yan rubbed the back of her neck. Sid winced slightly, remembering the lump of scars back there. He forged ahead with their previous topic of conversation.
“So basically,” he continued, “Kino and I took the Impulse to this station to deal with the issue.”
“Were you successful?”
“Kinda? The ship got away-- we didn't know it had drives installed yet-- but we took control of the station pretty easily.”
“But you almost died?”
“One of the station crew, he decided to hijack a Fleet shuttle. We think it was to take him to a designated meeting point, in case something happened. Anyway, he picked the shuttle that I was on, and I got to experience some hard vacuum.”
“Fuck,” Yan said, face looking more green than brown.
“I'm fine,” Sid said. “And I got a boyfriend out of it, so, you know. Worth it?”
“Congratulations,” Yan said, looking confused and rather unsure. Probably he was saying too much at once, and none of it was making sense, but he forged on anyway.
“To be honest, the whole thing was over in less than two minutes. I barely remember the actual action. Hold on, let me show you my rash!” Sid reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, swiping through the pictures until he found one where his vacuum exposure rash looked particularly lurid. He held it out for Yan to appreciate.
“Wow.”
“Yeah.” He hoped he wasn't misinterpreting her 'wow'. Her body language was fairly restrained at the moment. “Anyway, that's been most of the exciting stuff that's happened.”
“It's a lot,” Yan said. She rubbed her temple.
“It probably only feels that way because I'm dumping it on you all at once. I should have given you more time to get acclimated.”
“No, it's fine. I just-- I felt like for so long I was in some kind of dream world. It's hard to remember that the real universe exists and has been going on without me.”
There was a lot to unpack with that statement, but Sid bit his tongue, keeping his promise not to press Yan on the details.
“I'm glad you're back.”
“That's what everyone keeps saying.” She leaned back against her desk.
“Are you--?” He wanted to ask if she was glad to be back, but the words died in his throat.
“I don't know. I know it's stupid, but I just-- even though everybody's here for me, I feel like I’m still gone somehow.” Her face was twisted and her eyes darted everywhere as though she could somehow use their movement to escape.
Sid reached out a hand, wanting to put it on her leg, but stopped, hovering just above her, in case she didn't want to be touched. She grabbed his hand, gripping it tighter than he had expected.
Her power reached out to him. It was raw and bleeding on the edges. He did his best to stay still and not push her away, no matter how much the touch of it made his skin crawl. He was at least prepared for what it would feel like, since he had felt it before.
Even though he could stay still, he couldn't quite bring himself to reach back with his own power. It hurt too badly. Her power seemed desperate to latch onto his and take something from him. Knowing Yan, she probably just wanted to join their minds together and find some peace in his. Knowing himself, he didn't think he wanted to dive into the mess that was Yan's head. It probably wouldn't do either of them any good.
But he could sit there, and hold her hand, and let her know with his presence that she was back in the real world.
They just sat quietly for a while.
“Thank you for not pressing it,” Yan said, breaking the stillness.
“It's not my job to pry. You deserve your space.”
“Distance is the last thing I want. But I don't want to think about it either. But it's all in my head anyway.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Not your fault.”
“I know. I just wish that none of this had happened.”
“We can't go back to the past,” Yan said. When Sid looked up at her, her mouth was twisted like she had eaten something bitter.
“I know things aren't going to be the same, and I probably can't ever understand whatever happened to you, but--”
“What?”
“Maybe it's too soon to start handing out the comforting platitudes,” Sid said.
Yan laughed, the first genuine crease of a smile on her face. “Say what you want to say.”
“I just think we can still be friends, and the future will be better, and all that.”
“Of course we can still be friends.”
“You say that now, but you're going to be mad at me in about thirty seconds,” Sid said.
Yan was suddenly alarmed, sitting up straight in her seat. “Why do I need to be mad at you?”
“I came here to say goodbye,” Sid said. “The Impulse is going back to Emerri, and I'm staying here with the Gatekeeper.”
Yan deflated, the air rushing out of her lungs, her shoulders slumping downward. “You're leaving?”
“Please yell at me, get it all out,” Sid said.
Yan rubbed her face with the back of her hand. “You're the only one who could ever understand.”
“What do you mean? You have Iri and your girlfriend, and Kino will be going back with you.”
Yan's power reached out to him again, and he touched it ever so lightly with his own. Not enough for anything to cross over the boundary between them, just a mutual acknowledgement.
“Sylva doesn't like to use the power. I've never-- Kino and I--”
“Maybe you just have to ask her. Get to know her in a new way.”
“I don't want you to leave,” Yan said.
“I'm sorry. I have to.”
“Says who?”
“Someone has to stay and take care of this, at least until an ansible gets set up. It won't be too long.”
“Then let me stay, too.”
“Are you crazy? Go home!”
“I am crazy,” Yan said, her face so serious that Sid was almost taken aback.
“You're a crazy person who's going home, then. I'll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”
Yan squeezed his hand, crushing his fingers a little. “Please?”
“I'm sorry,” Sid said again.
“Be careful,” Yan said after a long moment. There was resignation written plainly on her face.
“I will.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Right after I get out of here.”
“Have you said goodbye to Kino?”
“We're not on speaking terms at the moment. You can tell her I said goodbye.”
“Don't be a coward.”
“There's nothing cowardly about it. I'm mad at her, not afraid of what she thinks.”
“Then don't be an idiot. What if something happens to you, or her?”
Sid pulled his hand out of Yan's and crossed his arms over his chest.
“If you don't say goodbye to her, then I'll be mad at you the whole time you're gone.”
“Are you guilt tripping me into being a good person?”
“I'm trying.”
Sid finally laughed. “Fine.”
Yan cracked a tiny smile. “I can't believe I have to say goodbye to you so soon.”
“It won't be that long. We'll both stay out of trouble, alright?”
“Please.”
Sid stood up, and Yan stood too. He had forgotten how tall she was. She reached over and hugged him, wrapping him in her skinny long arms. He awkwardly patted her back.
They didn't say anything, really. There wasn't anything else to be said.
It took Sid a while to track down Kino. Even when she wasn't hiding, she tended to be elusive. Sid resorted to checking the Impulse's personnel tracker, which would at least tell him the last room she keyed into. She turned out to be in one of the Impulse's gyms. Sid didn't know why he was surprised by this. He hadn't thought that Kino enjoyed working out, but he hadn't not thought that, either.
The more he learned about her, the less he realized he knew.
The gym was unusually empty. It could have been because it was late in second shift and most people were either asleep or about to be soon, or it could have been that with all the excitement, people had found other things to do with themselves than work out.
Sid didn't mind the lack of people. He already felt out of place and awkward in his cassock, and he didn't really want too many people to get an earful of whatever conversation he was about to have with Kino.
She was all the way on the other side of the room, rhythmically hitting a punching bag. Kino looked up at him as he approached, but didn't stop her workout or say anything. She was wearing only a sports bra and a tight fitting pair of grey shorts that went down to just above her knees. Stupidly, she was barefoot.
“Hey,” Sid said.
Kino didn't respond, just kept punching the bag. She was breathing heavily, and her face was slick with sweat. All the flyaway little hairs that had escaped her braids were glued down to her face.
“I heard Maedes yelled at you earlier,” Sid said, trying his best to strike up a line of conversation.
“Calor,” Kino said.
“Oh. I guess that's not surprising.” Sid couldn't think of anything else to say for a moment. “Have you talked to Captain Wen?”
“What for?”
“Maybe to apologize for causing a scene? I heard what you did.”
“I will not.” Kino's teeth were gritted, lips curled up. She hit the bag again with extra force, sending it shuddering backwards. She slapped it, open palm, on the rebound.
“I apologized on your behalf anyway,” Sid said.
“You shouldn't have.”
“You embarrassed me. You embarrassed Sandreas.”
“He wasn't there.”
“He's going to flip when he hears about it. You had to be dragged out of the room, for God's sake.”
“They're lucky I didn't kill them.”
Sid crossed his arms. “I don't think you could.”
Kino stopped the punching bag from swinging and stood disarmingly still. “What do you want, Sid?”
“I need you to do me a favor.”
“No.”
“You haven't even heard what it is yet!”
“I'm not sure why you think I would help you when you turned your back on me.”
“Because I thought we were friends.”
“I don’t know why you're still operating under that impression.”
“Look, Kino, I'm not out to get you.” Sid splayed out his hands helplessly. “I just don't want to see you running yourself into the ground over nothing.”
“I wouldn't call this nothing. And you can't stop me.”
“Look, I'm not trying to stop you from doing whatever. You can try to convince Sandreas of your rightness all you want, and if he goes along with it, all the better. This isn't even about that, though.” It was definitely a lie for Sid to say that he wasn't trying to stop her. He had just given that letter to Ervantes, and he felt a little guilty for lying to her, but it was better for him to leave on a tiny lie than... whatever this was.
She punched the bag again, but only half as hard as before, and it seemed more out of idleness than anything.
“What do you want?”
Sid took a deep breath. For some reason, it was almost harder to tell Kino that he was leaving than it was to tell Yan. “You have to take care of Yan for me, okay?”
Kino pursed her lips and waited for him to continue.
“The Impulse is going home, but I'm staying with the Gatekeeper until we get an ansible set up.”
“Why?”
“All my reasons are really dumb,” Sid said. “And you'd yell at me for them. So let's not get into it.”
“Fine.”
“Did you feel Yan's power?” Sid asked, going back to what he needed from her.
“No.”
“She's all messed up,” Sid said. “And she's lonely. I don't know if you're into it, but if maybe you could meditate with her, it might help?”
“I'll think about it.”
“And just be nice to her. Try not to put all your issues on her plate. Don't come to her with your little vendetta.”
“She's not your pet either.”
“I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to be, I don't know, gentle, at least until she's back on her feet.”
“Fine. Is that all you wanted?”
Sid's hands flopped listlessly down to his sides. “Do you hate me?”
“When I look at you, I see the person that you could be and the person that you are,” Kino said. “And I hate the gap in between them.”
“Is that a yes?”
“If I hated you, I wouldn't be talking to you,” Kino said. “But I wish you could be better.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because it's true.”
“I'll think about it.”
“Yeah.” She was frowning.
“What?”
“Thought doesn't mean anything if you don't do something with it.”
“And what are you doing with your thoughts, aside from making the captains angry?”
Kino frowned even more deeply. Since she wasn't wearing her cassock, her hands had no sleeves to go to to pick at, so she scratched at her wrist instead.
“Please don't do anything stupid, Kino.”
“I don't have anything planned,” she said. That was a relief. Sid smiled.
“I'm glad to hear it. Schedule all future stupidity for after I get home.”
“It would be better if you stayed with Yan,” Kino said. “She likes you better.”
“Think of this as a chance to form a closer relationship while I'm gone.”
“Okay.”
“I'll miss you,” Sid said. “When I get back we should talk. Like, really sit down. I feel like we started out wrong, and then we got a little better, and now-- I don't know where we are. I want to be friends. Or at least I want to be able to understand you.”
Kino looked him up and down, then stiffly nodded.
Sid held out his hand. “I'll hold you to that. See you in a couple months.”
They shook hands, weird and awkward, but it was something.
“Bye, Kino.”
“Goodbye, Sid.”
He headed out, glancing behind him. Their eyes met over his shoulder, but Kino turned away, returning to punching her bag.
