catching up — by Denebola — Everyday Sweets #6
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Santa's Secret Transfic Anthology Vol. 2 / Everyday Sweets #6

catching up cover

catching up

by Denebola

Content Warning

discussion of bullying, homophobia, and transphobia

[collapse]

A newly-out trans woman attends her high school reunion, where she comes across a familiar face who's been wanting to talk.

Denebola

 

“Hello?”

“Kathryn! Ugh, thank god.”

“Hey! What’s going on, don’t you have your thing right now?”

“Yeah, I’m like, here. At the thing. Or, well. I’ve been hiding in the restroom for like fifteen minutes cuz I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here.”

“Shit, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“No, not really. Just. I’m really nervous all of a sudden again. Like. Ohh my god, people are gonna be looking at me. Why did I come to this; what was I planning to show off even, I’m like… I’m so sweaty.”

“I mean, I’m sure you look amazing, sis. What dress did you end up going with?”

“Oh, the… the teal one. I figured the pockets were like. Ideal.”

“Mhm, I like it, I like it.”

“I can’t quite get my hair like you did it though. The bun is like, super messy.”

“I mean, ‘messy bun’ is a style in its own right. But I’m sure you look fine either way, Hannah. Not to be rude, but knowing you I’m pretty sure you’re just overthinking it.”

“Kathryn, when have I ever been known to overthink things? Ugh, you’re probably right. But what am I supposed to do here? I don’t even know anybody here.”

“Uh, you could probably just treat it like you would regularly going to the bar, like, I dunno. Mingle and stuff, and then if you bump into someone you know, then you can talk to them.”

“You know I hate mingling, Kathryn.”

“Well, I’m afraid there might not be that much else to do at your high school reunion, unfortunately.

“Fuck, okay. I guess I’ll do that then. Thanks.”

“Just don’t get super smashed though, okay? If you need me to pick you up, I’m not gonna be able to be there until like, closer to eight.” 

“Yeah, I’m not gonna. I took the car here anyway.”

“Okay! And you can always text me if anything happens!”

“Thanks. I’m still really sweaty though.”

“Eh, it’s summer, I’m sure everybody else there is too. Okay, I—I have to like, get back to work, Hannah, but I promise you, you’re gonna do great! Just have some confidence in yourself!”

“Mm. I’ll see… what I can do. Bye, Kathryn.”

“Text me!”

🙟  ‧  🙝

“I swear to God, I fucking know this,” I muttered to myself as I squinted at the bearded man sitting at the bar. “What the hell is his name? Gra… Grant? Or Graham, or… Brian?”

The guy sitting next to him was Nathan something, I knew for sure. I’d definitely been in a class with him at some point. He was a hockey player, if I recalled correctly, or maybe some other sport. Was the bearded guy one too? He looked like he could’ve been. I didn’t recognize his face at all.

I grabbed another French fry and glanced around the rest of the room, searching for any sign of that familiar face here or there without much success. Just more and more people in the crowd I couldn’t put names to. I could’ve sworn I remembered my classmates better than this, but apparently not. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I never actually talked to anyone in high school. But still, I’d been around some of these people for some four-odd years. I wondered if any of them recognized me at all.

It was probably for the best if they didn’t. I wasn’t particularly wanting anybody to connect me with whatever image of that one weird loner guy they had me filed away in their brains as. Though it probably wasn’t helping that for me to just sit here the entire evening.

“Maybe I’ll go check out the patio or something,” I mused aloud. “Lemme like, finish my food though.”

“Yooo, it’s you assholes!” announced a tall, ginger-haired man as he strolled, drawing looks from just about everybody else in the place. Seemingly oblivious, he crossed the room and made his way over to the bar. “Starting without me, huh?”

“Grant Adams, the man himself! Where the hell’ve you been, buddy?” Nathan called back, turning around. So that was Grant. I had no fucking idea what the other guy’s name could be, in that case.

I watched Grant take a seat at the bar alongside Nathan and the other guy, who gave him a friendly clap on the back as he sat down. A few stools over, I could see a woman in a flowy blue cocktail dress standing up to leave, drink in hand. “Yeah, that’s probably a good call,” I said as she walked in my direction. “Probably about to get pretty loud over there.”

“Oh, uh. Yeah,” she said. “Uhh…” 

“Oh, are you looking for a table? Um.” I looked back to see if there were any that hadn’t already been claimed. “Uh, there’s one over there in the corner that’s open, I think? Or you could like, use this one if you want, I’m not really doing much with it right now.”

“Uh, I’ll sit here, then. Thanks,” she said with a shy smile. “Yeah, like, no offense to those guys, they’re just… a bit too much for me.”

“No, yeah, I totally get it, I… yeah. Yeah, I usually am decently okay with like, noise and stuff, but yeah, I wouldn’t want to be right there either.”

“I guess like, good on them for at least like, adulthood hasn’t gotten them down or anything. Cuz they were pretty much exactly like this too back then, weren’t they?”

“I think? I’ll be honest, I don’t remember them that well. I just know they were hockey players.”

“Yeah… they were always kinda loud,” she said. “I had Dominic Mueller in my English class for like, the entirety of sophomore year, and I remember he screwed around a lot and stuff.”

I glanced back at the trio of guys. “Ohh, Dominic Mueller, that’s who he fucking is!” I said, looking at the bearded guy whose name I hadn’t been able to place. “He grew a beard. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t place him.”

“Hm.” She paused. “Um, I’m so sorry, have we met before—or like, where do I know you from? You look super familiar but I can’t place you either, I’m sorry.”

I laughed and waved a dismissive hand in the air. “No, it’s totally fine. I have like, such a bad memory, I totally get it. I’m not sure if I remember either, what was your name again?”

“Oh, I’m, uh… Hannah. Hannah Levesque?”

My heart stopped. “Lev… esque?”

“Um, Hannah Levesque, yeah. But I—I kinda sort of went by something different back in high school, so you won’t know me by that name, uh…” She trailed off. “Like, uh, I’m transgender. But yeah.”

I gaped. It couldn’t be her. There was no fucking way. But looking at her now… she really did look so much like…

“Holy fuck, look at you,” I whispered. “It’s you, isn’t it?” 

“U-um. Probably? Do we know each other?” she asked. “I’m so sorry, I really can’t quite remember who—"

“Paige Riley,” I said quietly. “But you also… kinda knew me as something else.”

“Oh! Are you… or, wait.” She looked at me with a confused tilt of her head, furrowing her brow like she was struggling to place me, and then her eyes went wide. Slowly, surely, I saw traces of recognition dawning in her expression. I bit my lip. Here it fucking was.

“Oh my god, no. No. You can’t be serious,” Hannah said. “Are you serious?”

I closed my eyes and gave a faint nod.

“…yeah. It’s me.”

🙟  ‧  🙝

“Hey, Levesque. Levesque. Levesque!”

“Fuck off.” 

“Hey, Levesque! Where’re you going, huh? Trying to ignore me?”

“I said fuck off, asshat. Leave me alone.”

“Hey, hey, heyyy, no need to get so mad, pal. I’m just trying to say hi.”

“No, you’re not. Please, just leave me alone, I’m not in the fucking mood for this today.”

“Aww, come on, man. I’m not even doing anything, I’m just trying to—”

“Fucking—”

“Whoa, holy shit—”

“—don’t fucking touch me, asshole!” 

“Yo—dude, are you fucking crying? Haha, what the fuck?”

“Fuck you!”

“Haha, what happened, bitch? Did Mr. Johnson call you out in gym again for being a little bi—” 

“I said fuck you! Jesus Christ! Don’t you have anything better to do with your time than follow me around like a fucking creep? Fuckass.”

“…the fuck was that, Levesque?”

“Just fuck off, please.”

“Hey, hey, no no no, Levesque? Levesque. Levesque? Hey, Levesque—”

🙟  ‧  🙝

“So, are you like… going to say anything, or are we just sitting here in silence until they kick us out.”

I covered my face with my hands. “Ugh, yeah, I—yeah. I… fuck, I had like a whole thing I was planning to say and stuff and I completely cannot remember it. I swear to God I had something.”

Hannah sat back in her seat and folded one leg over the other, holding her glass casually in one hand. “Well, no rush from me.”

“You don’t… ugh, yeah, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said. “You don’t have to sit here and listen to me, I’m sorry. You can leave.” 

“I mean. Do you have something you wanna say to me or not? Cuz I maybe have a few things I’d want to say, but if you wanna tell me something…” She waved her free hand vaguely in the air. “Now’s your chance.”

I stared down at the table, clutching my drink tightly in my hands as I tried to figure out what the hell I was saying. I’d rehearsed this, hadn’t I? All those years I’d been imagining this exact scenario in my head, picturing what I’d say if I ever saw her again… there was so much I wanted to tell her. Where did I even begin?

“So, um. You’re… trans.”

“Yes. I am. And you?”

“Yeah. I’m trans, as well… uh. Paige. She/they.”

“Hannah, she/her,” she said offhandedly. She was barely even looking in my direction. “Pleased.”

I found myself nodding absently in lieu of a response, before I realized what I was doing and tried to refocus. “Fuck, sorry, sorry, I’m so sorry. Why—I didn’t really think you’d even come to this. I didn’t think you’d want to.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning to, originally. It was sort of a last-minute thing,” Hannah said. “I could say the same thing to you though. I never especially got the impression that high school was something you’d ever care to reminisce about.”

“No, not… really. I kinda just showed up to see if you’d be here, so I could…”

I trailed off. I needed to pull myself together. Just tell her what I needed to tell her, and then accept her response with dignity, whatever it was. That was all I could do.

I took a deep breath. 

“I wanted to see you. Because I have had a lot of time to reflect on myself, and who I was in high school, and who I want to be, and… fuck. I’m really sorry, for everything. I said a lot of awful things to you, and I did awful things, and I knew even back then I was awful and I still did it anyway. And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“…okay,” was all she said. But she didn’t move.

“I had like, a lot of stuff going on at the time with like. Gender. And… sexuality. And family stuff. And I didn’t know what to do with any of that, and I didn’t really have anybody to talk to, so I just kinda went pretty hard in the, um. Angry asshole direction,” I continued. “And—and that’s not mean to be an excuse, or self-pitying, or anything. But that was why. You were just kinda there, and…”

“I was convenient,” Hannah finished. I managed a small nod.

“Yeah. And I’d like to think I’ve changed since then. I’d like to think I’m a better person now. But I know that doesn’t undo anything I did to you. Like, I’m not asking or expecting you to like me or forgive me or want anything to do with me just because I say I changed or whatever. I know that’s not how it works. I just… wanted to show you who I am, and take responsibility for all the things I said and did back then. And I wanted you to know that I’m so, so fucking sorry. And I wish I was better to you, cuz… you deserved so much better.”

Hannah was silent, and in my head I was half-preparing myself for her to just up and walk away. But then, after what felt like forever, she sighed and leaned forwards, setting her glass down and resting her chin in her palms. I hesitantly looked back and met her eye.

“Well. Thanks,” she said. “Uh. I dunno. Like you said, doesn’t exactly make anything better, but… thanks. Good to know.”

“Mm,” I said, for lack of anything better to say.

“I… I don’t really know what to say. Like… yeah. You probably know. It… sucked. A lot.”

“Yeah. I know.”

“Like, to be clear, I also had a lot of other stuff I was dealing with in high school. It wasn’t like you were the one singular shitty presence in my life that ruined everything for me. But you know. You didn’t exactly help.”

“Yeah.”

“But I dunno. Thanks. If you’re like, looking for my permission to like, move past that and get on with your life, then I mean, yeah, sure. Go ahead, move on. I release you,” she said dryly. “Just, yeah. It still sucked.”

“Mm.” I cleared my throat. “Yeah, of course, I really wasn’t expecting anything from you or anything. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised you, like… are still listening to me, but. Yeah. Thank you.”

Hannah shrugged. “It’s whatever. Not like I have anyone else here I’m dying to talk to,” she said. “Plus… sorry if this sounds weird, but to be honest I’m still totally reeling from you being trans. Like. What the hell.”

“Yeah, uh. It was a trip,” I said with a slight smile. “Rest assured, the feeling’s definitely mutual. I had like, literally no clue you were either.”

“Really? You were the one who was always calling me gay and a girl and everything,” Hannah said, her tone light but bittersweet. “And all this time I just thought you had the best transceiver in the world.”

“Yeah, no…” I stared at my hands. “It was a weird time.”

“Yeah.” She paused. “Um. Sorry to bring it up.”

“No, no, I mean… I was the one who said that stuff. It’s like, really funny in retrospect, isn’t it? Or not like, funny. But. Y’know.” I gestured down at myself. “Whoops, I’m queer as hell now.”

She laughed. “Funny how that all works out.”

“I know, right? And like, I’m—cuz I’m like, pan. And enby,” I said. “Which is like, I dunno. Top tier helicopter stuff, right? High school me would’ve been aghast.”

“If it’s alright for me to ask, when did you transition? Or like, when did you start?” Hannah asked. “Just curious.”

“Oh, um.” I tried to remember. It’d been a while. “Five-ish years ago? Going on six. Was when I started HRT. And then I started presenting full-time like a year after that.”

Hannah raised her eyebrows. “Six years? Damn, that’s a pretty long time.”

“Yeah. I—cuz like, I actually I sort of cracked in college? Or I started questioning in college. But then I went back and forth on it a lot for a while before I actually did anything about it,” I explained. “I kinda had a lot of things I had to work through first before I finally got over myself enough to be like, okay, yes, I’m going to do this. And then yeah. That was like five years ago.”

“Hm. Yeah, I didn’t start until like, right at the beginning of this year,” Hannah said. “Not nearly that long.”

“Oh, really? Just this year?”

“Yeah, I just cracked last December and then basically just speedran starting my transition and everything right away. I’ve only been on E for like, a few months.”

“Well, you do look really good though,” I said. “Like, seriously. I definitely didn’t look that nearly that nice a few months into my transition.”

“Haha, thanks. I got some advice from my sister, cuz she’s like an actual stylist and stuff. Usually I don’t look this put-together. These tits are fake,” she said, adding the last part in an unsubtle whisper that I couldn’t help but snicker at.

“Happens to the best of us.”

“Oh, don’t I know it. But just you wait, in eighteen to thirty-six months, y’know…”

I laughed. “Hell yeah.”

“But yeah. Just started,” she said. “I was kinda nervous about coming to this and having everyone see me at this point, but eh. Who cares. I mean, I care. But y’know.”

“Yeah, I… god, yeah. I like, went absolutely nowhere until I was a while into presenting fem,” I remembered aloud. “It’s really scary. I definitely wouldn’t’ve gone to something like this just a few months in.”

Hannah nodded. “Oh, I mean, I totally wasn’t going to come to this at first. Partially cuz of the like… um, you know. But also, yeah. I can hardly correct the lady at the bank when she calls me sir, I’m not going to my fucking high school reunion.”

“Oh, yeah, you said you decided to come like, last minute, didn’t you? What made you change your mind?” I asked. 

She paused as if to think about it, filling in the silence with a sip from her drink. “Uh, I dunno. I had the weekend off, and I was in a shitty angry kinda hating-myself kind mood, so I just decided to fuck it, I’ll go,” she said. “Like, maybe I don’t pass or look my absolute best. But I’ll be damned if I let everyone remember me as just that one scrawny nerd boy.”

“Yeah,” I said with a knowing smile. I remembered that, that spiteful little urge to just make yourself known. Maybe that was part of why I’d come here today, too.

“And then I proceeded to doubt myself for the entirety of this morning right up until I got here,” Hannah continued. “But yeah. I’m here.”

“Well, it’s good that you came,” I said. “I, uh. It was good, to see you again. You look really good, for what it’s worth, uh, coming from me.”

“Thanks,” Hannah replied with a smirk. “It was nice to re-meet you, Paige Rose. For what it’s worth.”

I smiled and drank some water as Hannah extracted her phone from her dress pocket and began typing something out. I’d said everything, right? Hannah was actually here, and I’d gotten to tell her what I’d been wanting to tell her for years. And… we were cool. Maybe not cool. But I’d said it. And that was that.

Taking another quick look around, I realized that I did recognize a lot of people here, actually. The ex-hockey players at the bar, a group of former theater kids crowded around a cluster of tables they’d all pushed together. It was kind of funny, seeing everybody now. I’d never talked to most of them, of course, but… there was something that was still kinda nice about this. To just sit here and be myself around them like this. Around her.

“Nnngh.” Hannah stretched her arms out above her head. “Hey, do you happen to know how long until this ends again?” 

“Um, I think officially they said like, four till eight is when like, they reserved the bar until for the event?” I said. “Though I can’t imagine they’re just gonna like, kick us out right at eight if we’re still here.”

“Right. Yeah, I was just thinking I probably don’t wanna stay out too late. Can’t stay out all night drinking with the buds like I used to,” she joked. “I’ve got like, an hour and a half drive back to my place, so.”

“Oh, jeez.”

“Yep… so I was just thinking I might leave a bit early. Probably gonna get something to eat first though.”

“That sounds like a plan.” Anxiously, I took another drink of my water, more for the sake of having something to do with my hands than me actually being thirsty. “Hey… Hannah. Could I like, tell you something?”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Oh, um. This isn’t really anything super important,” I said. “I was just thinking… you know I like, sorta had a really big crush on you, back in high school?”

She stared at me blankly, eyes wide and mouth agape. “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Um. I just kinda realized in retrospect that that was a thing, and it was maybe kinda like… why I like, followed you around so much and stuff. I mean, I know I was like, still terrible, but… yeah. That was kinda why.”

She said nothing, and mentally I cursed myself for opening my dumb stupid mouth and thinking that it was a good idea to tell her that. “Um, I—I’m sorry. Sorry, I didn’t mean to make things weird or really mean anything by it at all. I swear I’m not hitting on you or anything! I was just kinda, I had it on my mind so I said it, but… yeah. Sorry. Forget that.”

“You…” Hannah began, and then stopped, still with that same confused expression. And then, finally, she looked back at me and laughed. “Fuck, you really haven’t changed at all, have you, Paige?” 

“What?”

“Or—no. I don’t mean you haven’t changed. Sorry. You’ve changed a lot. But you’re still kinda the same, too. Still have that big ol’ mouth of yours.” 

I rubbed the back of my neck. “Oh. Yeah, I guess so. Sorry.”

“No, it’s… mm. Here.” She returned to her phone for a moment, then turned it around and slid it across the table towards me. It was open to a new contact page, labelled under my name. I stared at it blankly. 

“…what?”

“You can like, put your number in. I’m pretty busy during the week so I can’t guarantee I’ll respond, but you can text me if you want and I’ll probably see it.”

“What? Y—you really don’t have to,” I said quickly. “You really don’t owe me anything—and like, I don’t mean that in a way to sound like I’m trying to guilt you into having a relationship with me or anything. Just. I wasn’t asking you to. You don’t have to.”

“You’re not guilting me,” Hannah said simply. “Look. I’m not like, entirely warmed up to you yet, Paige. Like… y’know. I can’t just really forgive and forget everything that happened. Definitely there’s still a lot more we haven’t talked about.”

“Yeah.”

“But I enjoyed talking with you today, Paige. Even if it was like, about all this mess. Genuinely. And if you wanted to try being friends, then… I’d be willing to try.”

“Are you sure?”

“I mean, if you want to,” Hannah replied. “I’m fine either way. Do you want to?”

I stared at the phone. Being friends with Hannah…

“Yeah,” I said. “I’d like that a lot.”

🙟  ‧  🙝

“Hello?”

“Hey, Kathryn. I just left, I’m on my way home now.”

“Oh! How’d it go, you said you found someone to talk to?”

“Yeah, Paige. She’s… someone I kinda used to know.”

“Oh yeah? What’d she think about seeing you now?”

“She was… cool about it, I guess. Or I mean, not I guess. She was cool about it. She said I looked good. She’s trans too. I got her contact info.”

“Oh, shoot, nice! Finally got a trans friend, huh?”

“Yeah, maybe not friends yet. We kinda… well, she’s kind of like, a dork. But I guess we could be.”

“Well, that’s good. Did you have a good time, overall, then? Everything turned out better than expected?”

“…yeah. It did.” 

 

Thanks for reading! You can check out more of my work over at my profile below. Just be sure to like, subscribe, and *smash* that notification bell for updates when I write something new *finger guns*

Denebola

 

Santa's Secret Transfic Anthology Vol. 2 / Everyday Sweets #6
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