Sing Your Soul Out — by underFlorence — Everyday Sweets #11
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Santa's Secret Transfic Anthology Vol. 2 / Everyday Sweets #11

Sing Your Soul Out cover

Sing Your Soul Out

by underFlorence

Content Warning

A slight bit of depersonalisation/having emotions taken away

[collapse]

Sometimes, all you need to fix your problems is a magical lyre that forces out the parts of you that you keep hidden.

This isn't one of those times. Progress isn't always linear, and rarely can mystical artifacts solve all your problems by themselves.

What they can do, though, is kickstart a story about a depressed cleric and a self-confident demoness, and how the former comes to terms with themself through both their own strengths and the support of the latter.

underFlorence

 

The wooden door to the tavern creaked open. With a confident stride, Helena stepped in, me following in her shadow. All of the patrons’ eyes were on her, and for good reason: With her size at well over six feet, she was usually the tallest person in any given room. She was wearing heavy armor, so much so that the only sign of her purple skin was her face. And what a face it was! Fierce eyes, horns like a goat’s that immediately demanded attention, and black hair that usually reached to her shoulders but was currently tied up in a ponytail. All in all, she was a person whose very appearance demanded attention.

In other words, the polar opposite of me. I was more than a head shorter than her and my appearance was, quite frankly, so generic that it was almost noticeable again in its blandness. Messy hair that did its best to obscure my eyes, an entire wardrobe of muted colors—the only thing that stood out was my goddess’s amulet. And, really, all that was by design. I couldn’t stand to be in the center of attention, not like she could. She was brave; she was an outgoing person; she could make friends with an ease I hadn’t seen before. And yet, for whatever reason, she’d chosen me of all people to be her adventuring companion. I was rather proficient at divine magic, I supposed, but as far as my positive qualities went, that was it. Certainly nothing that should measure up to her, and yet, we nonetheless made a good team. People knew of our exploits! Well, they mostly knew of her exploits. And that was alright by me: At first she’d tried her best to promote me as well, to give me equal attention if not more, but that had been such an uncomfortable experience that I’d promptly asked her to stop. Where the timid me had gotten that confidence from in that moment, I couldn’t tell you.

As to be expected, most of the guests got bored of staring at Helene after a few moments, and thankfully none of them thought to glance at her metaphorical shadow. I heaved a sigh of relief, once again thankful for her absorbing any and all attention coming our way. With the footsteps of her iron boots reverberating throughout the dimly-lit building, she made her way to the innkeep, with me following behind, keeping lockstep to the best of my abilities. Couldn’t risk falling behind and having someone see me!

The innkeep, a burly man with an amount of scars to rival Helene, looked us over before nodding to himself. “Helene and…” He paused for a moment. “Lucas, right?” It wasn’t right, but there was no way I was going to correct him.

“Actually, the name is Lucius,” Helene corrected him. The mention of the name inevitably made me cringe a bit, but I did my best to keep a straight face.

“Ah, excuse me. How could I have forgotten such a powerful adventurer’s name?” He smiled down at me in an entirely fake and unpleasant way.

Helene leaned down on the counter. “So, you said you’ve got, and I quote, the ‘job of a lifetime’ for us? You better make this worth my time, Gus.” Although she was looking up at the innkeep now, it only made her resolute stare more threatening. I was extremely happy that I’d never been on the receiving end of one—if anything, knowing that she for some reason had taken a liking to me made me feel safe.

A hearty laugh from the innkeeper. “Of course, of course, no need to summon the fires of hell on me now.” Helene didn’t laugh at that. I agreed with her; it wasn’t particularly funny. “Alright. Tough crowd. So, here’s the deal…”

Apparently, a young and ambitious dragon had begun to punch above his weight. Not only had he been terrorizing Ravensvale, a local town, but in his young overconfidence he had also taken from towns with their own assigned dragons. In one case, he allegedly had even stolen from another dragon’s hoard. As to be expected, the other dragons were quite upset at this, and if they had their way, they would liberate their treasures themselves—and kill the culprit while they were at it. However, letting any dragon get killed would also open up a huge power vaccuum. In the ensuing fight over it, the citizens of Ravensvale and other nearby settlements would surely be collateral. As such, it was now our job to show the dragon its place and return the treasures to prevent such a disaster.

“That’s… a lot of responsibility…” I mumbled to myself, thinking over the assignment.

Helene turned her head down at me. “Do you think we can handle it, Luc?” she asked, seemingly lost in thoughts herself. While from any other person, I would’ve assumed sarcasm behind such a question, I could be certain from experience that Helene valued my opinion.

I pondered the situation for a few moments. Young dragons tended to think themselves smarter and stronger than they really are, which thankfully made them easier to outsmart and outmuscle. In isolation, it’d certainly defeat me and may defeat Helene, but with the two of us together… “I think we’ve got a fighting chance. Not guaranteed, but… a decent shot.”

Helene nodded and shot me a confident smile before turning back at the innkeep. “Alright, Gus, we’re in.”


Just as we had expected, the dragon didn’t pose too much of a threat. While he was taller than Helene, even on all fours, we had him thoroughly outmatched. That wasn’t to say it was easy—even if this creature was young, overconfident, and sloppy as a result of that, he was still a dragon. If any of us had made a mistake, that would’ve been it for us.

But Helene wasn’t the type to make mistakes, and I’d gotten lucky enough to do the same. There’d been one tight moment where the dragon had thought he’d gotten Helene cornered against a wall, only for her to fully unfurl her wings, jump with all her might, and fly over the confused usurper. Other than that, though? The two of us were a coordinated team, with Helene striking the dragon and me helping divide its attention with small but annoying spells.

Once Helene finally managed to land the blow to knock the despot out, I felt a rush of pride surge through me. These sorts of fights, with our lives on the line, when every move counted… Those were some of the few times when I could feel truly alive. It got my heart pumping and required that I give it my all. And, best of all, there was nobody there to witness it. Sure, there were opponents we were going up against, but they tended to be busy with a demoness running around in front of their faces and slashing at them.

While I was out of breath from the fight, Helene went straight back to business—made even more impressive considering she’d put her body under way more of a strain than I’d done during the conflict. While her zooming through the air may look effortless to an onlooker, it had taken a lot of strength and training for her to fully utilize her wings. Instead of taking a rest, she merely wiped beads of sweat off her brow and went back to business.

“Y’know, I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy…” she said, studying the monster before us. She began pacing around him, looking over his wounds.

“Come on Helene, I saw how you hit him. You were being nice to him—too nice. I be he won’t feel a thing once he wakes up.”

Helene paused, a frown passing over her face. “I’m not worried about that. It’s the other dragons. They’re gonna want to ‘discipline’ him, and he’ll be lucky if he gets away from that with just a few extra scars.”

I approached the dragon, trying to get a better look at him. “Fair. But what can we do about it? This is already the more merciful option compared to letting the elders get back at him.”

A sigh. “You’re right, you’re right. It’s just the system that sucks.” With a clap of her hands, Helene went back to the topic. Clearly there was more she’d wanted to say, I knew from experience, but she’d stuffed that away for now. “Alright, onto the hardest part—taking inventory.”

If there was one thing that could be said about dragons, especially the ones that had lived long enough to accrue a large hoard, it was that they were lazy. If it was up to them, they’d be lounging around within their lair all day without a worry in the world, snacking on any foolish intruders that had come for their riches.

So, naturally, they could not be bothered with such busywork as “accounting” or “taking inventory of your treasure hoard”. The elder dragons, in this case, barely knew what the usurper hard stolen; good luck asking them about the exact value of the goods that were taken. And, naturally, our dear usurper over there hadn’t thought to do any bookkeeping either. So it fell to us to do so, lest the dragons would fight over it. And we certainly didn’t want that to happen.

I cracked my knuckles. “Let’s get to it then, the hardest part of this whole thing.” I scanned around the room, trying to get a grasp of the size. “Alright, the area is around 500 square meters. Most of the coins are…” I approached one of the many piles of gold, grabbing a fistful of it to get a good sample. “Seems to be around two gold per coin on average. Maybe two-and-a-half. Let’s sample a few more places and see what those values are; but two point five gold is probably a good enough baseline.”

Naturally, counting every single gold coin within a dragon’s hoard, even one as small as this one, was a fool’s errand. So we estimated. And we had to estimate well, because if the dragons even so much as thought that we were ripping them off, that’d be it for us.

Helene nodded her head. “That matches up with my impression, too. I’ll check the south end, you stick to the north, alright?”

And so we each went onto different sides of the lair, taking samples in different locations and checking the height of the many money piles. Additionally, I made sure to take note of any extraordinary objects such as gemstones or artifacts. Their values couldn’t be back-of-the-napkin-mathed; the discrepancy in the price of a single gemstone could be gigantic depending on the exact tone of green.

I was estimating the quality of a golden statue by weighing it and calculating the proportion of gold within it when Helene called out to me.

“What’s up?” I shouted back across the room.

“You should have a look at this!” her voice echoed through the lair.

I put a pin in my current endeavors, left my notebook to mark the spot and slowly marched towards my adventuring partner. When I got to her, she was impatiently stepping on the ground next to a gilded harp. “So what’s the deal with this?” I asked, looking over the object. I could tell immediately that it was not made of pure gold, but merely covered with a layer of it. A layer that was already chipped in many places. Not very valuable.

The voice splashed out of her in excitement. “It’s the Harmonic Harp, can’t you tell?” That name was vaguely familiar, though I couldn’t fully place it… “I can tell from the look on your face that you can’t.” Me not matching her energy seemed to take the wind out of her sails. “Well, this harp used to be the pride of the royal theater! It’s said that whoever plays it would sing out their emotions in perfect clarity, and pitch-perfect at that. The royalty made a big deal out of getting commoners out of the audience to perform on it, with the rest of the orchestra improvising alongside them.”

“Woah…” All of a sudden, the chipped gold of the harp took on a more refined appearance in my eyes. The irregularities weren’t blemishes, no, they were signs of the history behind this instrument. “How in the world did it get here?”

Helene shrugged. “No clue honestly. It vanished a few decades ago, and our dragon here must’ve stolen it from the thief, assuming there weren’t any further thiefs between them in the chain.”

I stared wide-eyed at the harp, awestruck by its now-apparent beauty. I’d never been good at singing, so perhaps… No, this was a terrible idea, I shouldn’t— “You should play it,” Helene interjected. I looked at her, raising an eyebrow. “I mean, only if you wanna. But it looks like you wanna. I’d love to hear you sing.” She paused for just a second too long to be natural, clearly considering her following words. “I’d also be interested what those emotions of yours are. You barely show any even when we’re alone, not to mention around other people.”

A blush rose upon my face. “It’s nothing. I’m just— I’m just not an interesting person.” I averted my eyes from the harp, trying to look anywhere but at it. Unfortunately, my gaze inevitably landed on Helene, who was studying me intently. “It probably wouldn’t sound good anyway.”

Helene stepped closer, now towering over me with all her height. The way she looked at me… I couldn’t parse any emotion from it at all. “You know what I think?” She began circling around me, like a predator stalking her defenseless prey. “Do it. I’m not gonna judge you on the off case you’re the only person on which the harp doesn’t work.” It was clear that she was convinced I would sound good. Me? My voice? Well, stranger things have happened. Not that I could think of any.

Then I realized she was still pacing around me while I’d been lost in thought. Surely she was waiting for an answer. I had to say something. But what? “Uhhhhhhhhh, sure.” The words fell out of my mouth, and it was too late to put them back in.

I resigned myself to my fate and stood at the harp. Of course, at that moment it also occurred to me that I had no idea how to play a harp. It’s got strings, sure, but how do i strum them? Helene stood a few feet to the side, watching with gleaming eyes and thinly-veiled excitement.

I took a deep breath. I’d just… do my best. The harp would lead my body, or something like that, and things would work out. I repeated that mantra in my head over and over. Maybe once I thought it enough, I’d actually believe it. In all honestly, I was terrified. I had been ever since this idea popped into Helene’s head. But here I was, about to bare myself to her. I put a finger to one of the strings, clueless about which tone it would produce, and strummed it.

As soon as my finger touched the harp, my body began moving on its own. My hands moved around the strings like a dolphin swimming in the ocean, my fingers diving out of the sea to hit a note. It was hypnotizing, almost. And it sounded amazing. It began with a simple repeating structure, but there was this underlying sadness behind it. It was slowly creeping up, seeping further into the repeating structure, and then my mouth began to move.

I was singing. Oh goddess, I was singing. And it sounded terrible. It sounded like my voice. In its defense, it sounded pitch perfect, and it accentuated the melancholic melody that my fingers were producing. But it was still my voice, ultimately, and you can’t polish coal into becoming a diamond.

And the things I sang about… they were all so vivid, and yet, they felt so foreign. When I sang about my parents, it was as if I could see their faces, and yet it felt like somebody else’s memories. My childhood training as an acolyte, feeling as if I’d watched a stranger grow up and train at the temples.

As I kept singing, more and more of these memories were conjured up from my mind. And slowly, these memories, ghostly images floating in the air in front of me, rising up over the harp, united with one another. They formed a clump in the air, and I could tell these were more than just memories now. Even if they weren’t tangible, they looked almost real.

But the harp was not finished yet, and the memories kept flowing. I sang of my early adventuring days, too awkward to hold my own within any party. I sang of my troubles trying to go solo, and then finally, me going back to looking for partners, out of any other options. The clump was slowly expanding, verse by verse, memory by memory. The images kept adding onto it, giving it a defined shape, making it look almost human.

And then I sang about Helene. It was an unusual meeting, me absent-mindedly running into her on the street. But we talked, and despite my shyness, we somehow hit it off. Around her I could feel confident. She made me feel confident. Of course, all that confidence faltered around others, but as long as it was the two of us… I could manage. All the while, images of Helene, of her in armor, of her in casual clothes, of her dressing in her finest clothes for an audience with a dragon… Those images added onto the semi-transparent figure floating in front of me, forming two wings at its back. While the rest of the figure was a mishmash of colors and memories, the wings were a solid purple color thanks to all of the appearances of Helene, accentuated by the gray of her iron armor.

And then my fingers stopped, falling limp at my sides without a magical harp controlling me. There were beads of sweat rolling down my face and I was taking deep breaths. I hadn’t realized how taxing this was.

As I looked up, though, I saw that the figure was still there, floating over the harp, looking at me with an empty face made up of irrelevant memories. It was reaching its hand out at me, and… a part of me knew that even if it was just an ethereal creation, this meant something. Hesitantly, I stretched out my hand to meet its own, almost touching it, when I realized something.

Next to the harp, next to me and the figure, stood Helene. She’d seen everything. She’d heard everything. All of my memories, all of me laid bare. All of my embarrassment, and most of all, all of my near-devotion for her. I began pulling my hand back. What would she think of me? I was being such a creep. I was moving it back faster now. Playing this stupid harp was a mistake. I finally pulled my hand back fully, hiding it behind my body as if the figure even looking at it would mean validating it. I didn’t need these feelings.

The figure turned its back towards me, slowly phasing away. As it did, I began losing consciousness. The last thing I saw was Helene’s face as she tried to catch me before falling, reflected among dozen of copies within the figure’s wings.


When I woke up again, all I could feel was the stinging pain of hunger in my stomach. How long had I been out for? I looked around where I was, only to find that it was my room at the place we rented. I tried sitting up in my bed, but the aches didn’t make it easy. I knew I should go and eat something, but it’d gotten to the point where even that felt unattainable.

As if on command, Helene walked into the room, dressed in a casual shirt and pants. Part of me wanted to smile at seeing her again, but I couldn’t muster up the energy to do so. 

“Oh thank the goddess, you’re finally awake.” She sighed, and the relief in her voice was palpable. 

I couldn’t muster a smile at her. I merely nodded and “mmhmm”-ed at her. I really was happy to see her, I just completely lacked the energy to show it.

Or wait. Was I happy? I felt like I should be; after all, normally seeing her would always bring a smile to my face. But I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t sad, either. I simply was. I would’ve been shocked at this revelation if I was remotely capable of feeling that emotion.

“You ok, Lucius?” asked Helene, head tilted to the side. “You’ve been out for a few days, so I guess it makes sense you’re a bit loopy… I managed to categorize the lair on my own, so you don’t have to worry about that.” Oh. She’d had to do that all by herself. Again, I felt like I should be feeling guilty over this, but I just… didn’t.

“Oh. Sorry,” I said out of obligation more than anything. I wasn’t really sorry, as much as I wanted to be.

Helene sighed. “It was fine, honestly. I’ll get you some food.”

And so, the coming days went by. Once I’d gotten some food inside of me, I didn’t feel so weak anymore, thankfully. And yet, even then, I couldn’t muster up the energy, or perhaps the willpower, to actually get out of bed. So I was just lying there all day, bereft of thoughts, waiting to eat. As the days went on, Helene would talk to me less and less. After all, what was the point if I’d only give one-word answers? And I had wanted to talk more; at least I think I did. But I’d just left it at the bare minimum. It wasn’t a pleasant situation, but I was also unable to feel the unpleasantness that should’ve been there.

Eventually, Helene snapped. It had been half a week now, and I still hadn’t gotten out of bed once. I’d tried, I really did, but it was futile. Pointless.

“What’s wrong with you?” she erupted at me, the frustrations of the last few days washing out of her and over me. She’d done all these things for me, she’d taken care of me, so why did I act so weirdly? I wish I knew.

All the while, I was as unfazed as a tower in a windstorm. I just muttered out a “Sorry,” but it sounded as fake as it was.

Her face flushed red. “You finally began to open up through that harp, and now this?” Her feet stomped on the floor. “I shouldn’t have kept that stupid harp. What was I even thinking…” She slammed the door shut as she left. From outside, I could hear a muffled “I’ll just return it tomorrow.”

I stayed in bed unmoving until nightfall.

This couldn’t be, I thought. I was destroying my friendship with the one person who cared about me.

So she had the harp here, huh? And she was going to return it tomorrow. That godforsaken harp that had made me like this.

Although, that wasn’t quite fair. It was me who had made me like this. I hadn’t wanted to confront all these emotions; I’d wanted to hide them, as I had always done. The harp had just made that job easier.

But this was no way to live. I summoned all of my willpower to at least get out of bed. And somehow, I managed. I was standing! It was a shaky stance, and my lethargy made me want to get back to the safe confines of my bed, but I had to keep moving now or else I’d lose determination entirely. I had to use this spurt of energy, now or never.

With uncertain steps I made my way to our treasure room. We’d stored all of our most important accomplishments here, from priceless treasures to smaller trinkets that marked milestones in our journeys as adventurers. Even now, I felt no recognition towards all these. I knew the history behind them, and yet they felt foreign.

But in the corner of the room, I could see it. The Harmonic Harp. I stared it down like a bunny staring into the eyes of a wolf. But I couldn’t back down. One step. Then another. Then a few more. And then I stood before the harp.

I didn’t have the energy to get into a proper harp-playing position, so I just stretched out my right arm and strummed one of the strings. The sound reverberated throughout the room, echoing through the walls. As it lingered, the memories from my first time playing appeared in front of me once more, in the familiar shape of a humanoid figure.

Their back was still turned. Was this figure… or was the harp… somehow upset at me? No use thinking about that. Summoning the last of my little willpower, I reached out towards the memories and touched their wings. The figure disappeared, and I fainted once more.


I stood in a black void. I looked down, but found no body. It didn’t horrify me as much as I’d thought it would. But it did at least unsettle me a little, so that was a welcome change compared to my previous lack of emotions. In front of me stood the figure once more, purple wings spread open. It was facing me this time.

“Hello,” it said in a voice that was not quite mine.

“Uh… hello?” I replied.

“What brings you back to the harp?” The figure asked, leaning in closer towards me. “Did we not give you what we desired?”

“W-what do you mean?” I backed away a few steps.

“We are all of your emotions. Back in the lair, after you laid them all out in the open, we wished to reunite with you. But you…”

“But I refused it,” I finished the sentence in a soft whisper.

“Indeed.”

“It was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done it.” I looked to to the side, into the inky blackness, trying to avert the figure’s eyeless gaze. Or many-eyed gaze, if you considered the countless faces within my memories.

“What is it that you want then?”

“I-I want my feelings back, of course!” My voice grew louder, more agitated. Why was this figure toying with me like this?

The apparition put a hand on its chin. “But that would just take you back to the status quo, wouldn’t it? And that didn’t seem like a very good situation, either.”

I sighed. “It wasn’t good, but at least I had Helene.”

A laugh. “And this one woman is worth all the pain you endure otherwise?”

But it wasn’t funny. “Yes,” I answered with resolute earnestness.

The apparition began floating in circles around me, head focused on me. “My dear, we think you do not yet know what you truly want. You can say that your time with Helene was good, but you were not truly happy even then, were you?”

It was right. It was right and I hated it. There’d always been something I’d been missing. There’d always been this unpleasant itch whenever she’d used my name. “What, you think I have a crush on her?”

The figure erupted with laughter once more. “Oh, perhaps, but that is not the reason we’re here.” I got the impression that it was narrowing its eyes at me. “We can’t help you with this one. You have to figure it out on your own.”

What had I been missing all my life? Why was Helene the only person I’d felt comfortable with? Of course, her outgoing energy was pleasant. But also, it really felt like she could see past what I looked like and into who I was. Was the issue what I looked like? Sure, I wasn’t muscular, but I didn’t want to be ripped either. Nope, that would be awful. So what was it?

And then it hit me. “Oh. Oh. Shit.”

The apparition stretched its arms. “Finally. Sounds like you got it. I’m looking forward to being reunited with you again.”

“Wait, wha—” was all that came out of me before the figure dashed right into me, and I blacked out once more.


“Who are you?” Helene’s voice. “Wait, is that… Lucius?” I hesitantly opened my eyes only to realize I was face-to-face with the demoness.

“Whuh?” I exclaimed, and my voice sounded a lot more melodic than usual, even if it was vocalizing such an undignified response. “Yeah, it’s… it’s me,” I sputtered out.

“What happened?” She sounded concerned. A wave of relief rushed over me. Relief? Yes! I could feel relief! Happiness filled every ounce of my body, and I instinctively hugged Helene.

“Woah there, what inspired these… changes?” She hugged me back, holding me tight.

“I can feel again,” I muttered into her neck. Everything felt so vivid now, it is as if I’d been seeing the world in muted colors all the way up until now. Even this stuffy old room looked as if it had been painted by an incredible artist.

Helene didn’t say anything, but I could tell that the gears were turning in her head. I didn’t really want to say anything else in that moment, I just wanted to embrace her.

After a few minutes, she finally spoke up again. “You know a lot more changed than just your emotions, right? I almost didn’t recognize you.”

It hit me like a truck. So that’s why I was feeling so much better. The conversation with my memories was still vivid in my mind. That harp… was it really all its doing?

“If it’s what I think it is, then I’m glad.” A short pause. “How do I look?” I mumbled. 

Helene grabbed me by my armpits and held me up in front of her, looking at me as if she was evaluating a painting. “Well, pretty similar overall, honestly. Your figure is a bit more pronounced, your hair’s a bit longer, I think. Your face feels a lot prettier, but I can’t really put my finger on it… Oh, and you should take a look at your back.”

“My back?” I raised my arm behind my back and felt—feathers? A whole lot of them. I turned my head a bit, and I could see them. Two wings, adorned with purple feathers. “Woah. This is… a lot.” Helene looked a bit concerned, so I elaborated. “Good a lot, I mean. Not bad. It’s good. Just. Woah.”

The rest of the night went well. Really well. I got to talk to Helene and apologize, and she apologized for lashing out. I may have cried a little. I may have cried a lot. It was so good to be in sync with my emotions again.

We ended up cuddling in bed after all was said and done. With all the emotions I’d been feeling, I didn’t want to be left alone. Helene was hugging me from behind and looked at my wings. “So, purple, huh?” she exclaimed absent-mindedly.

“Yeah…” It felt quite embarrassing, but there was no hint of malice in Helene’s voice.

“Hmm.” She moved her hand through my feathers and it sent a jolt through my body. “Have you thought of a name yet?”

I turned around to face her. “Huh? Oh. For me. I’ve been thinking Celeste? It gives me good vibes. It feels right.”

Helene seemed lost in thought for a second before responding. “Celeste, yeah. I like it. It feels very ‘you.’”

Very ‘me,’ huh? As nice as that was, it also made me realize that I didn’t really know what ‘me’ was. I knew I liked adventuring with Helene. I knew I liked hanging out with her. To be more general, I liked Helene. But to which extent? And who was I really outside of my interactions with her?

I supposed I had all the time in the world to figure that out now.

 

Thanks for reading my story! You can find my story on itch, and you can find more of my stories at my Scribble Hub profile 

underFlorence

 

Santa's Secret Transfic Anthology Vol. 2 / Everyday Sweets #11
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