PrincessPenelope

CW: Dysphoria

AKDHJAJHKDAHJSKAHAK

Did Nora really just kiss me on the cheek

Why?

She's a lesbian so it can't mean much right. Just a good ol' platonic kiss.

I stood there in silence still not believing what just happened. The girl I liked just kissed me on the cheek. And her lips were so soft. I couldn't help blushing at the memory. When I had finally recovered from the shock, I ran home.

"Looks like you're feelin' better. Did something happen on your little date? Your face looks like a tomato" Marcus teased as I walked in. Damn, I was still blushing. 

"It wasn't a date. She's a lesbian. So she's not interested in me," I tried to hide my disappointment at that fact. "And it was just a kiss on the cheek. Girls do that with friends all the time I think." Marcus chuckled a little.

"I wouldn't be so sure. That you're off the table I mean. Have you ever even told her your gender?"

"Isn't it obvious? I look like a guy, I sound like a guy, I act like a guy. I am a guy"

"Even if that were to be true, all you've told her about your gender is that you use they/them pronouns and go by Kay which is generally used as a feminine name. As far as she would know you're someone who is unsure of your gender"

"But just look at me. I'm so obviously a guy" I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes again

"Maybe to you. I believe that perception of gender can often be informed by someone's gender. It's like how when a woman voices a male child character in a cartoon, the voice will be interpreted as masculine even if minimal change was given to the voice to make it sound more masc. Nora may see you as masculine, but I feel it's much more likely that she sees you as androgynous or even feminine." I blushed as tears started to fall. Knowing that she may not see me as a man felt oddly reassuring. Am I that head-over-heals for her that knowing that she sees me as feminine or androgynous makes happy even as a man just because it means I have a chance with her. My heart stopped. Oh gods. I'm a creep. This feels so manipulative. It feels like I was lying to her. 

I felt that I needed to know how she saw me so I can clear up the fact that I am a guy. I ran up to my room to text her in private

K: Hey

Nora: yo

K: Sorry if this is weird but....what'd that kiss back there mean

Nora: I felt like you needed it. It was hard seeing you so sad.

K: Ah cause Marcus thought it meant that you were interested in me. Which I thought was weird cause I'm, y'know...me

I started to cry. For some reason.

Nora: what's wrong with being you? I think you're cute and kind and really cool to hang out with

I couldn't help but blush at that.

K: It's just that I'm a guy so I don't get why you'd be into me. That feels like it goes against the whole point of being a lesbian

Nora: I don't blame you for feeling that way. A lot of queer folk do, sadly. But there's no "point" to being a lesbian. It's simply a form of self-identification with no inherent meaning or restrictions. But that's not really the point. I don't get the vibe that you are a guy. I could be wrong and correct me if I am, but I've seen you get super uncomfortable with being referred to with he/him and how euphoric you got at being referred to as Kay. I don't want to seem like I'm telling you what you are, but it feels like it's an option you haven't truly considered. Which I get. It's a really scary thought, I know as someone who's gone through it. 

I couldn't read past that as the screen got covered in water, blurring the text as my vision also blurred. Could Nora have been right? Am I trans?