10th March, 2015
Sunday (10:12 PM)
Today at Mr.Jansha's suggestion I decided to start writing a diary, I don't know how this all works but Mr.Jansha gave me a general idea of what to do here. Apparently I am supposed to write something about myself and everyday occurrences here, so hmmm let's start with writing about myself I guess. Yeah...that could be a good start
I was born in Mohali, Punjab on 2 March 2004 so I guess I am 11 years old right now. I don't remember much of when I was an infant but I do have memories of when I was in LKG and after. During my LKG days I saw children coming to school with their mother and father, though I knew what a mother is supposed to be I didn't know what a father is, so I asked mother about this 'father' existence and with an angry expression she said, "That son of a bitch died when you were born" though I still don't know what that 'son of a bitch' means. Every time I brought up the topic about this so-called 'father', mother would always get angry and would start yelling and throwing stuff so I stopped asking after I reached 2nd grade.
But from all of the mother's tantrums and her slip of the tongue, I got to know that she became pregnant with me when she was 15 years old with her classmate. At that time much awareness about birth control was not there so when mother became pregnant she was thrown out of house because her parents were old and narrow-minded but mother was given a rented house and monthly allowance by them so that she could take care of herself and me, so I guess they did care about mother but at the same time didn't want their reputation and image to suffer. But I still don't know the exact reason, maybe they hated mother the same way mother hated me.
But continuing the story, My father unable to grasp the situation became paranoid and ran away from responsibility by declining every claim of him ever being in a relationship. It also seems like this 'father' was a powerful human, so Mother couldn't do anything against him. I still wonder that power means....and how an I obtain it.
After that mother was devastated. She did take good care of me when I was in LKG, UKG but after that monthly allowance stopped coming and she started working as a housemaid for the next 2 years and slowly started ignoring me to the point that we just had dinner together and nobody would talk. I started noticing when I was 8 years old(3rd class) that the mother was becoming more and more strange each day and she also started having panic attacks.
Every day she would say that it was because of me that all of this was happening and threw tantrums at me but at that time I didn't know why was it my fault, but now I know "why" i.e because of me mother didn't get to do anything in life and everybody abandoned her.
So I kept hearing things like that for almost a year, and when I became 9 years old I also started getting annoyed by mother's tantrums and blaming me for everything, so I started messing with my classmates to vent off the frustration and I realized how fun, calming and pleasurable it feels to make others cry and sad because then I wouldn't be the only one who is sad, everyone around me will be like me. I wouldn't have to feel like an abnormal existence then....I still remember it being so much fun.
Punching my classmates, pouring mud and water on them, stealing their things, making them cry.....ah! so good!.
But apparently, it seemed like I was doing bad things even though I wasn't, so teachers called mother every week to complain and after that, at home, she would complain to me more, this cycle went on for 3 months before Mother couldn't take it anymore and started beating me. I didn't feel anything at that time, I just remember being happy that Mother finally looked straight at me......I smiled more she hit me, and somehow by seeing my smile, Mother went crazier. The blood coming out of my nose and mouth also felt so refreshing and sweet. I think this went on for nearly 30 minutes and after the beating, Mother was lying on the bed and I suddenly got an amazing idea.
I took the knife from the kitchen and threatened Mother to kill myself with it because if I died then Mother wouldn't have to suffer anymore and I who was not supposed to be born would cease to exist, so everyone will become happy. At that time it was a wonderful idea and I still do but apparently mother made a horrified and frightened expression and started calling me 'witch' or something like that. Later that day she left home and the next day orphanage came and took me in when I was 9.
Hmm, I think that's how you are supposed to write a diary maybe it got a little big but whatever, for the first time I think it's ok so let's go to sleep now.