11th March, 2015
Monday (9:30 PM)
I wanted to write about my orphanage days as soon as possible because they were just so fun. It was also the time where I discovered something important or you can say discovered something crucial about myself. Hmm...So, from where should I write......I guess from the start would be good.
So, after mother ran away an orphanage picked me up, they told me that someone called them and said that there was a child living alone in a house so they came to pick me up. I guessed that it was probably the mother who called.
When they asked me where my mother is, I told them that she ran away. I still remember feeling a sense of satisfaction at that time after seeing the disgust that formed in their eyes towards my mother. I guess I just wanted someone to feel hateful towards that mother I never felt any animosity towards. I wanted to hate my mother but no matter what I tried it didn't happen, so maybe I told them the truth about her abandoning me so that someone else can feel that hate for me.
After that, the nurse started crying, was she crying for my sake? did she think of me something pitiful? did she instead feel sorry for mother, for giving birth to a child like me? even though the last one sounds ridiculous but at that time I couldn't help but think that too. I asked the nun about the reason and she told me that she was crying for me but I didn't get it, I mean it's not like I was sad or anything, on the contrary, I was happy, because now mother wouldn't have to suffer because of me and can live life like she wanted to, someplace else.
I remember the nuns asking me, why wasn't I crying?
I simply replied with, what's there to cry about?
and I still think that there was nothing to cry about
After that my 2 years in the orphanage began.
The first month was fine as I made some friends, 2 girls and 1 boy. The girl's names were 'Shreya' who was 13 years old and had dusty brown hair and brown narrow eyes with a small nose and thin lips, if I have to write about her body appearance then I don't know, as I still don't know much about that kind of stuff but my new older sister Mehak knows about this kind of stuff so maybe I will ask her later. The second girl's name was 'Mana' who was also 13 years old and had black hair and black slightly large eyes with a small nose and slightly thick lips. If I have to compare I think Shreya was more pretty but that's just my judgment. The boy's name was 'Aran' who was 14 years old and had black hair and eyes if I have to talk about how handsome he was then I don't know because I can't precisely tell who is good looking or not.
The four of us played a lot inside the orphanage and during that time I became a little attached to Shreya, always going where she goes and doing what she does, now that I think about it the attachment was probably because I wanted someone to rely on and follow their lead because during orphanage days I would often pull hair of other children, fight with them, mix stuff in their food or push them down here and there but I was told I was being bad child and that I should stop doing this kind of stuff, just like back in 2-3rd grade.
But I still don't know, why? I mean I got so much enjoyment and fun out it and apparently the ones I did this stuff to would feel sad, humiliated and depressed but when they themselves did this stuff to me I didn't feel anything at all, I didn't feel humiliated or sad, the only thing I felt was happiness because it meant that they were thinking about me while doing this stuff, I was in their minds and it made me feel secure.
I thought this kind of stuff was normal and that there is nothing wrong with me. The nuns told me I am abnormal, the children of orphanage scorned me by calling me twisted, weird and freaky behind my back, but in my mind, they were all wrong but it all got shattered when Shreya, the only one I trusted and relied on, told me that I was the one who is not normal.
My mind went blank and I also remember crying rivers at that time, it was probably the first time that I cried after mother started throwing tantrums.
At that time I thought it means that the reason why my mother ran away and why I don't feel what most other children do is because I am really and actually abnormal, the thought of being different from others around me scared me, I just needed a place where I can feel a sense of belonging, where everyone is just like me or I'm just like them
So, to fix that I started doing whatever Shreya did because she was the normal one. I kept following her and started doing whatever she told me to, at that time I didn't realize but now I know, that I practically became her slave and I stuck to her like a parasite, always trying to copy her and do whatever she does to fit in with others and feels that sense of something. I did name that sense, 'belonging' but now feel like it's not something like that...it was a sense of wanting to feel something completely different. Maybe, one day, I would be able to name it properly.
But anyway, just like that 1 and a half years passed. I became normal as that's what I think happened because now no one scolds me and everyone gets along with me, the nuns don't get mad at me, the children of Orphanage don't show be animosity and call me by weird names. I play with everyone, fake laughs with everyone, pretend to be having fun while going along with their stupid ideas.
But I didn't get any feeling of happiness, pleasure, and fun anymore. Every day was just boring, I think that's the time I truly ever felt sad and depressed. It's like I became an empty shell that only exists to become what someone tells her to be, then during the December of 2014 something happened and I finally broke out of that disgusting shell and realized that it's not me who was abnormal but those children, it was to those nuns, who were abnormal for thinking about me like that.
I realized that Mother always lived a pretend life. Pretending to take care of me, pretending to be virtuous so that people outside can accept her. Even though she eventually stopped pretending at home but outside she still put on a mask of a hardworking and sweet mother.
Wasn't I just following her example?
I also started pretending, started caring about other's opinions about me and became sad. I didn't want to be sad, I wanted to be happy but more than anything, I didn't want to become like that Mother.
Yes, it was that incident that made me realize something crucial about being me
"AAAAAAaaaaaw!... " that's a loud yawn, I guess I am getting pretty sleepy.
Let's write about what happened during December tomorrow.
"mmmm.. " just thinking about that makes me feel strange things all over my body
Maybe I will write it the moment I wake up Tomorrow
"yeah let's do tha aaaaaaaahhh... "