[Mayuri's POV]
"So, what do you think about this? Big sis" it took me a few days to think of it
"I....don't know.......it's just that......I don't think I like the idea of Mayu starting a gang"
hmm...so that's the issue, but
"Don't worry about that, it's only hypothetical. And I won't start it without big sis's consent"
"Well......then that's ok...I guess. So, from what I understood.......basically, you don't want to go to college, right?"
!!!
h-how did she guess that!?
"I-I didn't say anything like that!"
Jeezz....why are you smirking now.....big sis really can see through me
"You said that you don't like studying, don't like thinking about other people, and many more dislikings.......but all of them just point to Mayu not liking the college. All of your dislikes have something crucial to do with college life."
"Th-then......yes! me getting things for your torture impulses. That doesn't have to do anything with college life!"
hehehe, got her
"It does. This gives you an appropriate reason for skipping college. You would skip college in the name of doing something for me"
....or maybe not.
"Oh, c'mon. Don't hang your head down like that......Ok, tell me. Why doesn't Mayu like college?"
"because.....I feel lost there" yeah....I remember feeling a sense of suffocation on the very first day of college, though I didn't understand it at that time. But now I do.....
"Lost?....how? tell me. Maybe, your big sis can solve it"
No, it's not something big sis can solve.....it's my own problem, which only I can fix. But it may lead me somewhere if I talk to Big Sis about it.
"We-well you see, Big Sis, until now.......I just wanted to stay with Big Sis. Just being by your side was more than fulfilling for me.....but I have realized that.....I want more. Seeing people around me having a clear goal, aiming for something high....I think, made me feel envious. I only had one goal...and it is already fulfilled. Now, I don't know what to do in the future."
"But...isn't our plan for taking over the company, a future goal?"
"Yes, it is......but, I want a goal that's only for myself. Like, even if I didn't say...Big Sis would have end up becoming CEO in the end, like you wanted since childhood. So, it's just Big Sis's luck that her own goal aligned with our combined goal........but what about me? "
"..."
"I choose Computer Science because Big Sis picked it, choose this college because Big Sis picked it......so I thought I would be happily fulfilled......but seeing Jyoti and other people in collage having their own independent goal......made me feel jealous of them all."
Big Sis gripped my hand, telling me to continue
"but thanks to that, I also realized that I don't like going to college......I want to do something else, something that I really like doing by myself.......maybe....that's why I thought of that stupid idea of starting a gang."
"Hmmm......so stuff like that is going through Mayu's head. And as I see, Mayu still hasn't figured what she wants to do"
"Yes"
"Good, it seems like Mayu is starting to Mature a little bit. But don't worry too much, Mayu still has so many years left.....and if Mayu still doesn't find anything in the future, then rest assured! Your future CEO big sis will support her cute little sister in any way possible"
Big Sis......
Ahhhhh! where does she pick this sort of lines from?!
Saying stuff like that.....making me go crazy for her....
....but then again, I'm already crazy for big sis
AH! I just remembered!
"Nei....Big Sis. Why didn't you help me, when my problem was just starting out?"
ah! she suddenly shook, her eyes cast downwards...it seems like she regrets the reason
this time, I grip big sis's hands firmly and say, " Big Sis knows that her Mayu won't ever hate her, no matter what happens"
suddenly, Big Sis's shoulders relaxed a bit...but I could still feel the tension coming off from her
Still, Big Sis worked up enough courage and said, "I-I....wanted to .....e...ex...ex-experiment on Mayu....."
So, Big Sis does acknowledge that she was somewhat treating me like a test subject
"and why? was it Big Sis's desire to play with people"
"I...don't know clearly........I just know that I made various excuses to bury the guilt from thinking of experimenting on Mayu with various things"
"and...what about now?"
"I think....I still have that feeling of experimenting on Mayu, so that she can show me various interesting things"
Big Sis's voice is whimpery, it seems like she sill regrets it .......and it's not like I would also make excuses again....saying stupid stuff like 'I don't mind being treated like that by Big Sis'
ahhhhhhh! I wanna punch myself in the past for saying shit like this
I should just be honest and selfish
"I don't like being seen as a test subject by Big Sis, even if it's just a little bit."
Big Sis's eyes opened wide and after staring at me for some time, she smiles a little and says, "I really am a dumbo"
"Don't worry Big Sis, we both are!"
"pftt...yes, we are....."
Yes, is this what people call growth? or do I just want to praise myself for nothing
but still....what do I want to do?
what do I personally want to do?
Study? Go to college? graduate? .....well, that's what most people do
....but I know, that, I'm not most people
It's scary to deviate from the normal, but it could be just that my way of thinking is wrong
what if? they are the abnormal ones?
and I'm the only normal one.
It's because I'm normal that I find their behaviour so strange and hard to follow.
I still don't get why I should think about not hurting someone other than the people I care about...even though it's only big sis.
They say I should keep another person's feelings in mind while speaking, but why? ....I'm just telling them the truth
The truth that they should all just drown themselves, kill themselves, leave me and Big Sis all alone.
They label my playing with other children 'Bullying', but why? I didn't do anything wrong or bad. I'm just enjoying myself....is it that bad to just enjoy life?
They call me crazy or whatnot....but what if they are actually crazy ones? I should have at least found my actions somewhat abnormal, but I don't. I only know they are abnormal because it's labelled as so, by the 'normal' people.
Or, there isn't any need for racking my brain so hard, is it?
The answer could be simple
Yes, it is simple
what if?.......
....
what's normal varies from person to person?
what's normal for one, may be abnormal for another.
Hmm, that does sound kinda correct.
They find, studying, forming various relationships, helping other people, taking care of parents....normal. But it's all abnormal for me...I mean, why the fuck should I do that? isn't it just better to spend all that wasted time on myself? discovering various things about myself, honing my skills?
Yes, that must be it.
I'm the normal one.
They are the abnormal one
or....
we all are just abnormal...
...then....who's normal?
what is normal anyway? which asshole decides what's normal?
While I was racking my brain with useless stuff like this, Big Sis who has been silent for some time...maybe thinking? suddenly spoke
"Mayu!"
"! Y-yes!?" I also suddenly shouted in surprise
"I found your mother last week! Sorry, for not telling you all this time!"
heh?
don't bow like that Big Sis
but...
huh?
Mother?
hmm...........
so she's alive
Thx
Thx for reading