Chapter 42

The ledger wasn’t a ledger for the church and its daily expenses or anything like that. It was a ledger detailing the selling of the orphanage’s children to various buyers both in the city and outside of the city. This whole building, this whole place was a front for a human trafficking ring and these papers were the evidence for their atrocious crimes. There’s even a letter here from Alira asking the director how his business is doing and that he has a noble partner who’s very interested in becoming a client. Disgusting. It’s all so fucking disgusting. 

Bertrand hasn’t said a word since we found the papers and started going through them but I can tell he’s livid. Based on how he treats Ilya and how it seems like he becomes a completely different person around her, he seems to love kids and finding out all of this has to be tearing him up inside. Hells, he even told me the reason we’re here tonight is because he didn’t want to wait for Derriv to get back before he checked up on the kids here. But what do we do? What can we do? If this was a normal city, we could turn these papers into the city guards and they’d be able to take care of it but if we do that here, the fucking guards might even be a part of it. When I get to the end of the ledger, Bertrand points at the latest entry and it’s a girl's name, Mary. “That’s Ilya’s friend’s name.” 

Horrible. It seems this poor girl was sold to a noble in the city a few days ago and Ilya still thinks her friend’s at the orphanage. Reading through the short profile for the girl, my heart aches each word I read as an image of a little girl nine winters old forms in my head. I keep reading and stop abruptly when I read her father’s name: Kayman. No… no. There’s no way. There’s no fucking way. But the more I read, the more I can confirm this is the same Kayman I know, “Her father, Kayman, was employed as a miner at the Wellock Mining Outpost northeast of the city but died in a mining accident mid-June. Her mother received a small settlement from the Wellock Trading Company but she didn’t want her daughter harming her chances of a second marriage or scaring off potential suitors in the future. Mary’s custody was given over to the orphanage by her mother a week after her father’s death was confirmed.” That’s… heartbreaking. Heartbreaking and incredibly sad. Holy shit. Her mom’s fucking evil. I don’t even know what to think after reading Mary’s profile. Do I have some sort of obligation here? I don’t think I do but there’s a feeling of guilt deep inside me that I can’t seem to get rid of. But what can I even do? “Is there anything we can do?”

Bertrand eyes me for a second and says with a flat tone, “Realistically? No. If we try to save every kid on this list, we’ll probably need to spend the rest of our lives tracking them down and rescuing them. Remember who you are. You’re a bandit now. Your hands are covered with blood from last night’s incident. You can’t let this small of a thing stop you in your tracks. Remember the kind of city we’re in. This is just a glimpse of how dark this city’s insides truly are. Even if you can save one or two kids off this ledger, there’s countless ledgers exactly like this one throughout this city and new ones are being made every day. What are you gonna do with all those kids? Are you gonna be the one who takes care of them all? You’re gonna feed them? Buy them clothes? Are you gonna turn our compound into an orphanage? Responsibility over another living person is probably the heaviest burden in this world and you’re just an infant barely 14 winters old. There’s nothing you can do for them. The sooner you realize that and accept it, the sooner you’ll be ready to dive into this city’s darkness and make ripples.” 

There’s a silence in the room that makes me uncomfortable. I think I know what this is. I feel like this has happened to me before and I’ve heard these words before too. You’re gonna be here for the rest of your life, the sooner you realize that and accept it, the easier your life will be. It was Augustine who said these words. He said this to me one day after I tried running away and he beat the shit out of me. I don’t why I thought of Augustine just now. Bertrand and Augustine are two very different people. Bertrand is trying to help me by molding me into someone who can survive in this city. And I agree with him on everything he said. He’s right about it all. I can’t help everyone in this ledger, not like I wanted to in the first place, just Mary because of our strange connection. But even if I do, she doesn’t have anyone to go back to since even her mom abandoned her. If I look at this rationally and logically, I’m better off forgetting about her and moving on, just like Bertrand said.

… Why can’t I? Why can’t I move on from this? I didn’t even know she existed until a few minutes ago but why can’t I get her out of my mind? Why can’t I smother this feeling of growing guilt inside of me? I didn’t even feel this fucking guilty when I killed her fucking dad. Bertrand’s right, he’s right about everything. If I do save Mary, is it fair to the rest of these kids in this ledger? It’s not. Am I supposed to become some sort of fucking messiah or something? Sorry, but that’s not for me. I can’t stop all the human trafficking that’s happening in this city and will continue to happen in the future. Sure, I’ll admit I hate it, it disgusts me, and if I could get rid of it, I would. But what does that solve? Nothing. Bertrand’s right and he’s nothing like Augustine. 

The room’s still silent as Bertrand waits for me to make a decision. He’s standing right next to the office’s door leading further into the church, listening for any sign of someone walking outside as he awaits my response. My mind’s flummoxed as a war between guilt and indifference takes place. I try to think about anything else to stop myself from losing my mind and all of a sudden, a question crosses my mind like a star through the night. Why are we even here? Why are we here? If everything Bertrand said was right, then why are we here in the first place? For Ilya? I think Bertrand’s the type of person to go pretty far for someone he cares about and he does care about Ilya a lot. But would he do all this just to check if Ilya’s friend’s alright? I’m not sure about that. Why take the risk of pissing off Alira when he’s still on a warpath to do all this? Every memory of Bertrand runs through my mind at this moment but one phrase he said to me before we even got to this church stuck out, “Kids should be happy and laughing and if that church is fucking that up somehow, they’ll pay for it.” If I’m supposed to realize I can’t do anything and that it’s better for me if I just accepted and normalized all this as a part of being a bandit, then why make the church pay for it? Revenge? Like Bertrand said, there’s countless places, operations exactly like this in Midriver and stopping all of them is impossible. Killing this place’s director isn’t going to do much if that’s all we do. Another exactly like him will take up the position in a few days without any problems. I can’t figure it out. Not by myself anyways. Then why not ask the source of my mental turmoil himself? “Then why are we here? Why’d we even come here tonight?” 

A smile spreads on Bertrand’s lips, “We’re just here to check up on Ilya’s friend. That’s all.” 

That’s a lie. I already eliminated this possibility from my mind. Would Bertrand do all this because he cares about Ilya to the point he’s willing to go through all this to check on Ilya's friend? Maybe. Would he do all this while risking the possibility of a war with Alira to check on Ilya’s friend? Never. I know how much he hates Alira but that hatred has never shown itself on the surface. Quinn told us when Bertrand heard Alister was missing, he jumped for joy. But that was all behind closed doors. No matter how much bad blood they have between the two of them, Alira is still considered one of the big three, his power and influence in this city is paralleled only by two other factions and Derriv’s outfit is neither one of them. Would Bertrand really put the whole outfit and himself in danger for his love and worry for the kids here? He might but that’d be putting Ilya in danger, right? What the fuck is going on here? 

The reason no one else came with us is because if they found out this church had ties with Alira, they’d stop Bertrand. But wouldn’t Bertrand stop himself when he found out? Is he really crazy enough to risk himself and all his friends for his love of children without telling anyone else? He doesn’t seem that way. I’ve known him for a little over a month now and I can tell he’s eccentric but he’s not stupid. If he’s not crazy and he’s not stupid, then what? Wait, that’s the answer. Why would he do all this and risk everything for the kids on this ledger if he’s just going to look me dead in the eyes and tell me I can’t do anything for them and to forget about them? Then what the fuck’s the point? There’s no way he’s doing all this and brought me with him to only teach me about this city’s darkness and to get me to learn to accept it as the cold reality of this city. But what if it’s the opposite he’s trying to teach me? Once again, why are we even here? What was that he said again? “I can already tell there’s a darkness inside you that you’re desperately trying to hide from everyone else. I’ve seen countless people like that in the past and I’ve seen how they end up too. I thought I’d try helping out this one time.” Then when I asked him how he was going to do that, he responded, “Wouldn’t you like to know? Where’s the fun in telling you?” This whole night’s been about him helping me with my personal darkness, not the city’s darkness. Does that even make sense? I don’t fucking know, my brain’s nearly fried at this point. But he still wouldn’t be doing all this just for me. I’m a nobody and we’ve only known each other for a month. There’s something else, but what is it? 

I still can’t figure it out after thinking for a long time and instead I ask, “You said yourself the kids here can’t wait for Derriv to get back. Are you going to abandon them now even when you’ve found out what’s happening to them?” 

“There’s not much I can do for the kids on this ledger, they’re already gone. We only came here tonight to check on the kids still in the orphanage. Once we’re done with that, we’ll get out of here.” 

But that still doesn’t make sense. Alright, I’m clearing everything from my head, the discrepancies, the things that don’t make sense, everything. In my heart, what do I want to do? I know how filthy this city is, I’ve known since the day I got here. I know I’ll never be able to save everyone, not like I want to anyways. But if there’s a person right in front of me that I can help, someone who’s absolutely innocent in all of this, would I help them? I think I would. All this time since I’ve been here in this city, I’ve been trying to harden myself against the city’s filth and not let it break me down. I thought I needed to be heartless to survive and I’ve been heartless. The old man in the stash house and the man with the broken jaw who Quinn caught. I killed one of them in cold blood and I was ready to kill the other one too. Even now I still don’t regret either of those because they knew what they were getting themselves into when they joined Midriver’s Finest. I guess all this comes down to one question in the end: do I want to save Mary? I do. “I know you’re right, everything you’ve said to me tonight has been right and I agree with it. But there’s a feeling inside of me that I can’t get rid of. I know I’m asking for the impossible here but I can’t help but feel I’ll regret it if I just accepted that I can’t do anything to help the kids on this ledger and turned my back on them.” Even if Mary’s the only one I really want to help. 

Bertrand eyes me for a moment with a grin on his face and I can’t look him in his eyes right now. I know I’m weak. I know I’m pathetic. I thought I changed over this past month since I met him but I haven’t. I’m still the old me. “You know, I think I knew from the moment I met you that I’d like you. It wasn’t just your natural skill with the sword, that just made me more enthusiastic to train you and more willing to drill my swordplay and all the tricks I’ve learned myself into you. No, I think it was your eyes. No matter how badly I beat you down, you got up every single time with your eyes showing me how determined you were. Not just an eagerness to learn how to wield a sword but a sort of thirst to learn how to survive in this city. Nevermind me, I’m just spouting out bullshit now but it’s been a real joy training you this past month and getting to know you, the real you. It’s with great joy and anticipation that I now welcome you officially into Derriv’s outfit, Candle in the Dark.” What!?