Fade inside of the cave where Lopez is standing in front of Simmons. His armor is maroon with a brown trim. Simmons wakes up, chained to a stone ball.

Simmons: (moans) Ugh, what happened?

Lopez: Hola. [Hello.]

Simmons: What, am I dead? I see my body, am I in heaven?

Lopez: Estoy tomando su lugar en el equipo Rojo.[I am taking your place on Red Team.]

Simmons: (moans) Ugh, why is my body speaking Spanish? Oh no, did I go to Mexican heaven by mistake? That's like white people hell.

Lopez: No. Reemplazándote es la única manera de que obtenga acceso al equipo que requiero para estudiar estos terremotos.[No. Replacing you is the only way I can get access to the equipment I need to research these quakes.]

Simmons: I knew it! You just wanted to become super popular so you take my place!

Lopez: No tendría que ser súper popular para hacer eso.[I wouldn't need to be super popular to do that.]

Simmons: You're gonna regret this Lopez.

Lopez exits the cave leaving Simmons alone inside.

Lopez: No veo como.[I don't see how.]

Simmons: (yelling) We'll all regret this!

Lopez: ¡Eso ni siquiera tuvo sentido![That didn't even make sense!]

Cut to Sarge and Grif atop Red base.

Sarge: I still don't understand, how does more breaks make us more efficient?

Earthquake briefly occurs

Grif: It's simple, if we have less hours to do work, we got more done in less time. It's all ratios.

An explosion goes off within Red base.

Lopez-Simmons walks up to the two.

Lopez: (Spanish) ... Hola. [Hello.]

Sarge: Simmons, where in Sam hell have you been?

Lopez: Estudio...de cuevas.[Cave... study.]

Grif: You sound weird.

Sarge: Yeah, almost like he's speaking a foreign language, but he's speaking very slowly and clearly, so I understand what he means.

Grif: Me too.

Sarge: What have you been up to?

Lopez: Ya sabes. Las cosas típicas humanas como: orinar, y equivocándose en problemas de matemáticas sin razón alguna.[Oh you know. The usual human things like: urinating and getting math problems wrong for no reason.]

Grif: Sounds boring.

Sarge: I didn't understand that one.

Grif: Me neither, but boring is always a safe bet with Simmons.

Sarge: Good point.

Lopez: Por favor discúlpenme.Debo revisar algunos equipos.[Please excuse me. I need to check out some equipment.]

Grif: Okay. Bye Simmons.

Sarge: Good luck at whatever you're doing.

Lopez: Gracias.[Thank you.]

Lopez leaves and goes inside the Red base. Cut to Blue base where Tex meets up with Church, Tucker, and Caboose, who are all disoriented.

Church: Ooh man. Instead of a big white blur, now everything's just a big black blur.

Tucker: Man, my head should only hurt this much if I had more fun the night before.

Caboose: WHAT?!

Tucker: Ow, Caboose! Stop yelling! Someone get me an aspirin.

Tex: You guys are babies.

Church: Babies? You chucked a grenade at us you stupid bitch. What do you expect?

Tex: Hey, there's a big difference between a flashbang and a grenade.

Tucker: It doesn't seem like it.

Tex: Well, if I threw a grenade at you, I wouldn't have to have this stupid conversation right now. I would just be stepping over some disgusting puddles.

Tucker: (to Church) This is your girlfriend I take it?

Church: Oh yeah, Tucker, Tex. Tex, Tucker (mumbles)... there you go.

Tucker: Sup.

Tex: Hello.

Caboose: (yelling) Are people meeting other people?! I want to meet people!

Tucker: No you don't, and stop yelling.

Caboose: (yelling) Nice to meet you, MR. YELLING!!

Church: You know, why would you attack us? Aren't you coming all the way out here to help us?

Tex: Hey, I needed to evaluate the situation. I heard someone was dead, I show up here and three idiots are standing around arguing. I'm not walking into that blind.

Tucker: So you made us blind?

Earthquake briefly occurs

Tex: (mockingly) Oh, boohoo. It's not lethal.

Church: So what! That's wha- is that supposed to make us feel better? A kick in the balls would be non-lethal too.

Tex: That depends on who does the kicking.

Tucker: Is that a threat?

Tex: Heh, how 'bout we call it an experiment. See what happens.

Tucker: How about we agree to disagree.

Tex: Good idea. So, who's dead?

Tucker: Oh nobody. We just made a mistake. We thought-

Church: (coughs) Uhh, we thought we should bury our dead teammate and then take his name off the roster so that no one could prove he was never here.

Tucker: We did?

Church: Yes, because that's what she is here to investigate Tucker. And if that guy didn't exist, why would she stick around?

Tucker: (plays along) Oh right. Yeah, I thought she meant some other nonexistent guy, who didn't die. Not the one guy who did die.

Tex: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wai- why did you remove him from the roster?

Church: Uhh, I don't know. Seemed appropriate at the time. You know it's like a respect thing.

Tex: What was his name?

Church: Anderson.

Tucker: Smith.

Tex: Well was it Anderson or Smith?

Church: Uhh... Andersmith. Private Andersmith.

Tex: Andersmith?

Caboose: Ohh, Mr. Andersmith, I'll always miss you! You were too young to die.

Tucker: Yeah, he was like ten seconds old.

Church: (angrily) Shut up, Tucker.

Cut to Red Base where Grif is seen standing on a hill, Donut walks up next to him.

Donut: Hey, Grif. Have you seen Simmons?

Grif: Yeah, we're working on some equipment together.

Lopez (disguised as Simmons) is seen scanning the area, using a green glowing device.

Donut: Together?

Grif: Yeah. He went up the hill, he said he needed my help, so I said, "No problem. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Donut: When was that?

Grif: About 5 hours ago.

Donut: Oh... so, how is the project going?

Grif: Well, he hasn't asked for help again, which means I haven't had to think of a new excuse, so, I'd say it's going great!

Donut: What's he doing?

Grif: I dunno. He's got some new toys or something up there, I guess he's testing them out.

Donut: Toys?

Grif: Yeah.

Donut: "Toys" is a broad term Grif. It can mean a lot of things.

Grif: Gadgets.

Donut: Go on.

Grif: Electronic devices.

Earthquake briefly occurs.

Donut: I think I'll go check this out for myself.

Grif: You do that.

Cut to the cave where Simmons attempts to escape from his chains.

Simmons: (struggling) If I could just wiggle free a... little..., maybe I can... loosen... this! (Unchains himself) There, I'm free! Now to take my place on Red Team again.

Simmons leaves the cave.

Simmons: Man, Lopez was right, I do say my thoughts out loud a lot. I wonder why I do that? I'm still doing it! I really should try to stop. Okay, that was the last one. Hey I did it! No, I mean-

Radio sounds. Cut to Blue Base where Tex is standing on a hill, talking on her radio.

Tex: Command, do you read me? This is Freelancer Tex reporting in.

Vic: (over radio) Roger that señorita! We read you loud and clarita! How you doing?

Shift to Church, Tucker, & Caboose, all watching Tex from afar.

Church: Okay, I just need to make sure she sticks around for a little while. You know, so I can... talk to her a little bit more; and investigating this dead guy, is gonna be a good distraction.

Tucker: It doesn't bother you that you made up a guy out of nowhere, and then killed that guy, just to have a chance to talk to your girlfriend?

Church: No, no, no, it's like a ne... ing... to... er, whatever you call it. I-it's even. You know, he didn't exist before and he doesn't exist now. No harm, no foul. Right?

Tucker: Dude, you seriously got to look into this "stalker" thing.

Caboose: I miss him.

Church: You miss who?

Caboose: Andersmith. He's a reminder of how close we all are just to not being here one day.

Tucker: He wasn't here any days, idiot. He doesn't exist!

Caboose: Oh how could you say that? (quietly) Don't you believe in the afterlife?

Church: Wha-? Afterlife implies life at some point. He didn't have one.

Caboose: (sobbing) Because he was so young. He had hopes and dreams.

Church: He was a dream.

Caboose: Yes he was... to all of us who knew him.

Tucker: Okay, I'm actually less worried about you now, and I'm more worried about Caboose.

Church: Caboose, he didn't exist. You never knew anyone named Andersmith. None of us did.

Caboose: Denial is an important stage in grieving.

Church: Yeah, apparently denial is an important part of reality too.

Tucker: Yeah, take it from the guy who calls that chick his girlfriend.

Cut back to Tex on hill, talking on her radio.

Tex: Roger that. Over and out Command.

Tex turns off her radio and begins heading towards the others.

Church: Oh shit, she's done with her call! (panciking) Quick... uh, talk about something else! Uhhmm...?!

Tucker: Like what?

Church: (panicking) Anything! Anything! Uhh... uh, okay! Uh, you know what, I think you're right Tucker! Cows can't talk, but maybe they can't talk because no one ever taught 'em how to do that. Right?

Tucker: That might have been the worst ad-lib ever.

Caboose: You just blew my mind with the cow thing.

Tucker: That ain't hard dude.

Tex walks up to the three.

Tex: Alright, here's the deal: I'm gonna stick around until we get this "dead guy thing" solved.

Church: Ohh, really? Well that's great! Isn't that perfect Tucker?

Tucker: Don't gloat.

Caboose: Yes, Ms. Scary. I have a question. Um, how are we going to fix the dead... guy... being... dead?

Tex: Oh we're not. We're gonna even the teams. Come on, let's go up the hill and kill one or two of the Reds. Then I could get out of this mud puddle.

Church: Oh...?

Tex: Hey, I'll even let you pick which ones. Come on let's go.

Church: Well this sounds like... fun?

Caboose: Let's pack a picnic.

Tucker: We could always just eat the Red we kill. Hey Church, pick the fat guy!

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07-18-2022