Fade in to Church and Tucker outside Blue Base

Church: Tucker, c-come on man, help me. I need to find a way to have her stick around a bit longer.

Tucker: Oh yeah sure, no problem. Maybe you and your girlfriend can find time to go on a killing spree. Do some real bonding.

Church: Tucker.

Tucker: Oh, that's right, not your girlfriend. Just the girl that you're stalking, through multiple planes of existence.

Church: Hhgh.

Tucker: Romantically.

Church: Please, I just need a little more time.

Tucker: Why, who cares?

Church: I do, I'm supposed to do this.

Tucker: Fine, where is she now?

Church: She's talking with Caboose.

Tucker: Well that should keep her busy for at least a few minutes. Half an hour if she starts asking him math problems.

Tex: Hey, I'm gonna stick around a while longer.

Church: You are? I mean... you are?

Tex: Yeah. Caboose here said you guys need some help with the tank, so I figured ah, I could help with that too. What can I say, I like the kid.

Caboose: Plus I paid her a hundred dollars.

Tex: Yeah, that too.

Tucker: Money - why didn't I think of that?

Church: Because you don't have any money?

Tucker: Good point. Hey Caboose, give me some money!

Caboose: Oka- wait. S'this a trick. I'll pay you a hundred dollars to show me how it works.

Cut to Grif and Simmons

Simmons: I can't believe you guys didn't know this was Lopez, and not me.

Grif: What do you expect, he had the perfect disguise.

Simmons: He painted himself maroon. Badly!

Grif: Exactly! How could anyone be expected to see through that?

Simmons: He spoke Spanish, no one else does.

Grif: That did seem weird at first, but, you always go through those annoying phases. Like, remember that time you were gonna learn to play banjo, or the time you were gonna be a vegan?

Simmons: What do you mean phases, I am a vegan. And I can play the banjo.

Grif: I know, and isn't all that annoying?

Simmons: But you couldn't figure it out. Hawh, you don't know me at all.

Grif: To be fair, we didn't know Lopez either. We knew you both equally as little, so, you can see how we'd get confused. Also, we didn't really care.

Simmons: Yeah, but Lopez was here a day. I've been here for years.

Grif: You have? See, I'm learning new stuff about you already. Now the next time an evil robot tries to take your place, I'll have questions to ask it.

Simmons: Shut up. Why the hell am I the one cleaning up my own body? This is insulting. Hey what do you think he was using all this equipment for?

Grif: I don't know, boring stuff? Who cares?

Simmons: Hmmm...

Grif: Oh, wait, I forgot, you like boring stuff. Never mind what I said, I'm sure it's something for sports.

Simmons: It looks like we have a mystery to solve.

Grif: What're you, twelve?

Cut to Tex at the tank, and Church approaching from the background.

Church: Hey uh, hey you got a second?

Caboose: Sure! What do you want to talk about?

Church: No, not you Caboose, I want to talk to Tex.

Tremor

Caboose: Oh. Go ahead.

Church: I wanna talk to her alone.

Caboose: You can't talk to someone alone, there has to be two people. Those are the rules, I don't make them.

Church: By myself.

Caboose: Well, I- I suppose she could stand pretty far away, and then you can yell. That might, that might work.

Church: Caboose, I would like for you, to leave.

Caboose: Oh I, I get it, I'm so- I'm so embarrassed, I'll just go over there for a little while.

Church: Thank you.

Caboose: Come on, Tex.

Church: No no no no no, Tex, Te- please, can you help me out here?

Tex: Hoho, no no no. I'm sure this conversation is a lot more entertaining, than whatever you wanna say to me.

Cut to Red Base. Another tremor occurs

Sarge: Men, thanks for gathering so quickly. It appears we have a crisis on our hands. I'm now going to turn this meeting over to our Chief Science Engineer, Simmons.

Simmons: Houh, finally some respect.

Sarge: ...who is gonna talk for a little while, but not too much. And he's not going to over explain things in that way he does, and then he's gonna stop talking and turn the meeting back over to me. Simmons.

Simmons: Thank you Sarge. Men, I have made a grave discovery. Analyzing equipment that Lopez was using, I have found that the planet is undergoing a total seismic breakdown. There's clear evidence of an unstoppable chain of events which is leading to a full systemic collapse. Now I realize this may cause some of you to panic.

Donut Ash, and Grif: ...

Simmons: Or, it may confuse most of you because you don't understand what I said.

Sarge: Can we wrap this up please.

Simmons: The world is breaking, we're all gonna die.

Grif: What!?

Donut: Why would you tell us like that!? It's like ripping off a Band Aid!

"That sounds fun!" Ash says.

Simmons: You know what, fuck you guys. Stupid people get to live a life of worry and fear, you're all doomed.

Grif: This is the worst news ever.

Sarge: Men don't worry. We've got a plan in place to resolve the problem.

Simmons: I can't wait to hear this.

Sarge reveals a board entitled: "Sarge's Plan to Kick the Planet's Ass". Another tremor occurs.

Sarge: Now we all know that the planet is trying to kill us. So we need to strike back, and quickly! Scare the crap out of it.

Simmons: What!?

Sarge: Grif, what's that bad sci-fi movie where they discover a natural disaster and their first attempt to solve the problem is to use a huge bomb?

Grif: That's... every bad sci-fi movie, Sir.

Sarge: Exactly. So that's what we're gonna do. Now here's the plan. We're going to build an enormous drilling machine, and institute my three phase plan. Step one, bust through the crust; step two, skedaddle through the mantle; step three, bore to the core. Once in the core, we'll set off an enormous bomb to stabilize the planet.

Simmons: How will a bomb stabilize the planet?

Sarge: It won't; duh. But through a series of dramatic setbacks, calamities, and yes, hopefully a few of us dying on the mission, we'll find the true cause and solution to the problem. And, save the world.

Simmons: Seriously?

Grif: I like the plan.

Donut: Me too, let's do it.

Sarge: Great, I'll get to work on the drill. Donut, you find the deepest darkest hole where we can stick it in.

Donut: I have a list of candidates right here!

Sarge: Grif, I need you to build us a bomb.

Grif: How the hell do I do that? Why not Ash?

Sarge: Find a way, Son. Time is short. And I need Ash for something else.

Grif: Okay, huhh, I guess I'll look on the Internet?

Sarge: Excellent! Let's get to work men, we've got a planet to fight! ...I mean save. Whatever

Back in the past with the Freelancers. 

The target building is falling down and something is moving down the side of it.

The moving object happens to be Agent Minnesota driving a Warthog down the side of a falling building. A gravity hammer is in the passenger seat.

"This has to be the most insane thing I've ever done!" Minnesota yells.

"Minnesota, Minnesota, do you copy?" Carolina says over Minne's radio.

"Yeah, I copy." Minne swerves to the side and avoids  some rubble.

"Where are you?"

"I'm um.... driving down the side of a collapsing building."

"....Just meet us at the overpass on the main highway!" Carolina says over the radio.

"Roger!" 

A part of the building explodes next to Minne and his Warthog nearly flips. Minne screams as he drives on two wheels for a few seconds.

The Warthog rights itself and something crashes into the Warthog and the Warthog begins to spin. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

Minnesota slams a petal and hard turns the steering wheel and the Warthog turns around and continues driving down the building.  Suddenly Minnesota hits something and he becomes airborne.

"SHIIIIIIIIT!"

The Warthog lands and continues.

Minne looks to the side and sees a ramp made of rubble. "I hate this!"

Minne drives towards the ramp and flies through the air and lands on the highway.

"Yes!" Minne yells as he speeds off down the highway, avoiding cars.

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07-18-2022