〈 Chapter 4 - Self-Worth Metrics 〉

Over the course of a lifetime people develop confidence in themselves whether or not they are confident individuals. At the very least, they find a set of skills that they can do competently. Building a small amount of pride in their abilities it comes to define them or they begin to identify with their skills thinking, "This is who I am. This is my talent." However, this is nothing more than a delusion.

Success is often artificially well-defined within an arbitrarily chosen small cage of expectations. Some call the cage school where success is defined by their grades, friends, or family. Others restrict their cage to their unique skill, such as artwork, where the success or failure of their lives is the confidence they hold in their creations. And for most adults the cage is simply career success and what socio-economic position they hold in life. However, all of these are self-chosen, self-defined metrics of success. All it takes is for the person to change their mind and start measuring their own success or failure by another metric. Such a simple change could cause their entire world to come crashing down and their confidence to turn to self-deprecation, and Garnet had begun to realize that all the metrics she had evaluated her sense of self worth were now inconsequential to her new life.

*I am an incompetent.*

A polished, oiled rapier leaned against its stand in the corner of the room with its sharpened point pressing into a soft leather base to protect the tip. It had an ornate rounded plate hand guard that would surround and protect the hand. The knuckle and pommel were encrusted with the red gems of her namesake. It's leather scabbard stood to the blade's side on the stand and was likewise decorated with more of the red gems and engraved silver metal plates.

Garnet had been gifted at swordplay and fencing. Unmatched by the female students of the academy. But the new Garnet could barely swing a stick.

In the background against the wall of Garnet's bedroom were bookshelves lined with expensive tomes. Various academic titles based on history, literary arts, magic, and philosophy lined the shelves. A hardwood writing desk complete with book stands, papers, quill pens, and corked ink pots neatly arranged. If one looked more closely they would find drafted letters and poetry written with beautiful calligraphy.

Garnet had been gifted in academics and the literary arts. Competing with the brightest young minds of the Kingdom and unyielding in her diligence as if she was possessed by the expectations and demands of her social status. But the new Garnet had not even known the name of the Kingdom she lived in until two days ago.

Framed against the walls of the room were numerous paintings of professional quality. Paintings which elicited a large variety of strong emotions were displayed. Vibrant paintings, somber paintings, portraits, pastoral landscapes, paintings of the changing of seasons, and abstract productions were all produced with the humble easel, brushes, and paint palettes stored near the corner of the room.

Garnet had been gifted in the visual arts to a professional level. Her works were worthy of being displayed and admired. But the new Garnet was mediocre at best with her drawing and had only ever touched a paintbrush a few times in her life.

A large harp stood proudly in the room. Hand carved brass plates decorated the pedestal while the pillar and crown were finely shaped and embellished by a master craftsman. A small stool rested next to the instrument for a player to sit and a lacquered violin rested on a deep red wooden stand placed quaintly to the side.

Garnet had been gifted in the musical arts and had performed before crowds on several occasions. She competed with the best and even composed her own musical pieces. But the new Garnet had zero rhythm and would not even be confident enough to play the triangle.

Though it couldn't be physically seen in the room Garnet had been naturally gifted in magic. But the new Garnet did not even know what magic was.

Fragments of the villainess' previous life had slowly come together to reveal her shortcomings. It wasn't as if the new Garnet was a fool; it was simply that every single skill she had tempered and all her lifelong knowledge she had learned was useless in her new reality.

She was an incompetent. A few days earlier she had even been a cripple who could barely walk unassisted. Besides the immediate inconvenience was her paranoia about her parents.

Neglectful, cold, selfish, entitled, greedy, opulent, and arrogant, those were the defining traits of her parents. It was exceedingly odd how she had not seen them in several days. Their own sick daughter, who until just recently was in a drowning induced coma had woken up and then promptly been ignored. Garnet had no good feelings about these parents and even understanding that this was an otome game setting she failed to understand their mentality or reason for being so cold.

She could only speculate that they were likely to be scum. Something had to be wrong with them. Embezzlement, misgovernment, fraud, illegal businesses, human trafficking, treason, Garnet had no idea what kind of vices they had, but she could imagine that merely being related to them was enough to bring her to ruin as an otome game villainess eventually: should their evil ever come to light she may end up as collateral damage through association.

It was natural for Garnet to imagine the worst possible outcome for herself due to her paranoid personality. If it came to light that she was unfit for her position as the crown prince's fiance ... an incompetent and a cripple ...

*Even if the mind and mobility is bad, the body is still quite beautiful.*

Her parents might be the type of scum to sell her to the highest bidder after her engagement falls through. It was within the realm of future possibilities, but she absolutely refused to find herself as the dutch wife of a depraved old man.

As unsightly as it was, she had struggled all the way to walking with a cane as of late. A woman who can't run away is doomed to a slow demise. She was certain it was only a matter of time and effort before she regained full mobility, but as one problem was cut down more would crop up like the mythical hydra. Life is war, and now her unavoidable battle against her circumstances was starting.

*The wise know how to use silence, while the foolish don't know how to close their mouth.*

Garnet had used this guiding principle to maneuver through her new life. Several days of minimizing contact with others. Planning her words ahead of time before each and every situation she could foresee. She had requested to eat all her meals in her room giving her poor mobility as an excuse to avoid the dining room. However, no matter how much she tried to avoid uncertainties there would come times where even her best attempt at improvisation would fail. Her lacking common sense, her awkward actions, and her complete failure to perform as she should at critical moments due to ignorance would surely be plain for all to see sooner or later. A few misspoken words to the wrong person would be all that was necessary to expose that something was amiss.

*Everything that doesn't have to do with survival is meaningless.*

That was the conclusion that Garnet had arrived at the moment that she realized impersonating the former lady was impossible. Her mind began to turn and devise a plan to assure her safety.

For thousands of years, possibly from the very start of human civilization, stockpiling necessary supplies to overcome future disasters was a supreme strategy for survival. Imagination, because the human race had it they could conjure up future possibilities and dangers in their minds, and due to their cleverness they could concoct ingenious solutions to overcome their own helplessness. Thus Garnet pressed her mind, to overcome her own future and feebleness, in desperation.

*I'll become a squirrel.*

The numerous expensive items within her room were all resources available to her. All she had to do was make sure that they remained available. It was highly possible that all of her family's current property could be confiscated in the future if they where to fall into ruin due to crimes or any other reason. However if she secretly started storing and hiding away all the glittering jewels, precious metals, and valuables now, then when the time came she could collect them to pawn. It was a fair plan to financially sustain her life even after the Valeria house falls, and naturally she wouldn't be there for the fall.

Garnet desired only one thing, especially since she was a coward.

*I want to run away. The sooner the better.*

This was currently her preparatory stage. She should gain all the knowledge she possibly could before the time came. Why stay and die? Once she knows what she needs to she should flee. Even if she should lose her privileged life and status it's no problem if she can save herself.

*It's a trade. My future safety for all this excess.*

The key to success is learning.

By learning how common citizens of the country lived she would be able to assimilate and disappear into society. Hopefully she would become untraceable.

Geography would teach her the lay of the land. She could figure out travel paths to flee along, as well as finding a safe destination to aim for. Knowing more would help her identify high danger locations beforehand. After all, it was pivotal for a woman traveling alone to take both animal and human threats into consideration.

Common skills were also necessary. She had to know what was edible, the price of goods, how to cook, what foods were easy to preserve, and how to mend her clothing.

It was in Garnet's interest to simply not focus on anything that doesn't have to do with survival. Namely, she shouldn't waste her time on learning how to dance, how to paint, how to sing, or any other type of art. She should solely focus on useful skills, like magic and protecting herself using force.

At times she would have no other choice than to try her best to pretend to be the original Garnet, but she should try even more fervently to simply not talk to anyone under any allowable circumstance. Garnet believed it to be more likely that she could accept the consequences of rudeness. The original Garnet was known for her poor temper and people had come to expect such behaviour from her. However, consequences brought about by serious mistakes made due to her ignorance couldn't be justified as easily, and those mistakes may end up being more grievous than she could handle.

Her current plans weren't enough to make her relieved and it was likely that nothing would completely calm her heart until the day she could verify her own safety, but it had taken some of the bite out of her anxiety. Without knowing anything about her current life and future peril she could only resolve herself to run away as the best chance at dodging a possible bleak bad end. It was the fear of what could be and her inability to conceive alternative options that pushed her to this conclusion.

If her family should fall to ruin during the period of time she was not present then perhaps she could escape responsibility by association. By biding her time away from the events of the story, she could physically remove herself from harm's way in the most extreme manner possible. Also, her self-imposed exile didn't have to last for the rest of her life; she wouldn't have to hide forever. It was entirely possible that she could return to high society ... or at least return to society without criminal charges after her family had fallen to ruin and left the stage.

It was premature to say anything. However, after watching how events unfold from a safe distance she would be able to determine a better course of action than trying to ignorantly guess at this early stage.

*And I won't forget that a survivalist should always plan for the worst case scenario.*

Garnet looked around the lavish room one final time. Yes, she was more than willing to give up every luxury she had if it meant living.

Although she shouldn't be happy in such a situation she couldn't help smirking as she looked over at her maid. Mira trembled at her her master's expression. Unfortunately with a face like hers, even if she says kind words to others it will be misunderstood. There was only the hard way remaining if she wanted to elicit assistance from others. Bribery and threats. Her unfortunate thought process was the result of her intrinsic mistrust in others and Garnet had already exploited Mira at every possible opportunity by taking advantage of her for information and her objectives. So, what was one more time to her? Maybe fangs and claws that didn't leave scars were more or less benign.

〈 Author's Notes 〉

Holy molly. This author stuff is hard, but I am persevering! I feel it is critical for me to have my main character and main antagonist and heroine and main supporting characters right or I will make a mess of my story. I must give my best for this story!

The beginning of this chapter sure felt good and bad. Stings like life. Life is war. Whoa.

I have spent so much time this week planning out my story and characters. I have even tried asking otome game fangirls on chat sites and forums for their expertise (for many many hours).

Let me tell you all, delving into the hardcore otome game fanbase is like visiting an alien planet. Ohohoho ... Mind blown.

It was a place where I was just a leaf floating in a stream of warped reality. Forced to second guess my own existence and consciousness as I conversed with otherworldly celestial beings existing on another plane of existence in the twilight.

It was a very foreign country where I have learned to speeeka their language. "LIs", "steamy bottoms", "Girls are vulnerable to handsome young men going through trauma", and the very realistic older woman's comments "Come on, what is this Teacher X Student shit. What is this shouta crap!" Ohhhh damn.

It was a world where all the otome fangirl memes were self deprecating and extremely funny like, "Otome games are not coping mechanisms for your dysfunctional relationships and problems." or like "Me: I should probably go on a real date and get a boyfriend ... Me to me: Just keep fulfilling your need for love and affection with more otome games." or like "You love fictional stories and otome guys because you can't find what you're looking for in real life, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" =D

It was a planet where girls spend hundreds of dollars per month on their otome game addictions. Yes, hundreds. These are the best of the best. They know their shit. I have begun my pilgrimage on the long path of otome. XD