Ash, a 20 years old, an orphan that had been abused by his uncle and aunty for as long as he can remember one day died due to his uncle drunken behaviour, having pissed off after losing a bet in a round of poker with other fellow alcoholic, he vent out his anger towards Ash, and as Ash had enough with it, he retaliate back when his aunty hold him, while the husband, having a vase in his hand, repeatedly slam into into his face, even taking the fragments of it to stab his eyes. His aunty, tried to make him stop, not out of pity but out of greediness, so that they can have Ash's parents inheritance (as they wanted to force Ash to give up the inheritance), so, after kicking his husband in the jaw and knock him out cold, she called an ambulance, where Ash were rush to the nearest hospital, with every minute passing by, Ash started to lose his consciousness as blood started to ooze out from his eye, as well as losing blood due to unseen internal bleeding, and just as flash of memories of the past events started to played back inside of mind, he can hear a female voice calling out his name
"You have done well, hearing out my call" [?]
"And you are?" [Ash]
"The God of Achalasia, and this is the God of Death" [God of Achalasia]
"..." [God of Death]
"I see now, I have died right" [Ash]
"Unfortunately yes, but I will give you a second chance, that's if you wanted too" [God of Achalasia]
"But why?" [Ash]
"Well, thanks to your parents" [God of Achalasia]
"Huh?" [Ash]
"When I asked the both of them whether they wanted to be reincarnated into my world, they opt out the option, saying that I should give it to you" [God of Achalasia]
"!" [Ash]
"They know that their early death will only lead to your suffering on earth, and with how your uncle and aunty behave, they had a feeling this will happen and thus they chose to give you the second chance instead" [God of Achalasia]
"I see..." [Ash]
Ash cried for a while and once he have decided
"Yes please, I would like to be reincarnated" [Ash]
"Excellent, but I must warn you in advance" [God of Achalasia]
"And that is?" [Ash]
"..." [God of Death]
"That reincarnation isn't a simple process, even with the two of us here, there's a chance that you simply won't make it" [God of Achalasia]
"I see... but it's better than not having another chance right" [Ash]
"That's also true, and since you still choose for it, I suppose being born into a family will be nice, or I can just make you younger a bit, said around 17 years old and then had you reincarnated with your current body. And of course you still will receive our blessings regardless of your method of reincarnation" [God of Achalasia]
Having heard of the two options, Ash opt for the first one
"I see, any reason why? Just out of curiosity" [God of Achalasia]
"Well, this second chance come to me thanks to my parents and as such, it will feel like I am betraying them if I chose the second option" [Ash]
"As expected, not that I mind" [God of Achalasia]
"..." [God of Death]
"Well, before the reincarnation started, we will give you our blessings, and since both of your parents give up their chance, I will give you two blessings" [God of Achalasia]
"I see now, thank you very much" [Ash]
"My first blessings involved your physical and mental fortitude, that is you can use any magic that you want with a strong body, and let me tell you it will be way OP in my world" [God of Achalasia]
"Really! But then why you gave such blessings to me then?" [Ash]
"That's because of a reason, a test if I must said and it's up to you to find out in that world." [God of Achalasia]
"I see, and the second blessings?" [Ash]
"Greedy aren't you, but it will also depend on your actions at my world, if you do good deed and become an upstanding member of society, I will tell you then, but if you misuse it..." [God of Achalasia]
"I understand! I won't do such thing!" [Ash]
"..." [God of Death]
Ash become afraid after seeing those scary smile
"Well, with that out of the way, i wish you good luck and have a good life, don't waste it alright!" [God of Achalasia]
"Thank you God of Achalasia, God of Death!" [Ash]
"You are welcome, just don't forget what I had said" [God of Achalasia]
"..." [God of death]
"Yes!" [Ash]
With that, the God of Death, akin to that of a grim reaper swing his scythe to end Ash life on earth, where he died before even reaching the hospital, as he close his eye on earth, he open up his eye, in the world of Achalasia
P/s this is my second series (first isekai series for me though...) My first series --> can a holy hero be born from such a person?
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I only have one thing to say besides its good. They gave him 2 options 1)be reborn into a new family or 2) be younger but with the same body (in that order). He picked 1) (new family) but the following statements say he picked be younger (which is option 2)
I did read this chapter all the way through first; but ... if I may give a few critiques on writing style and grammar and such?
Your first paragraph ... wow, all of two sentences. It does look hard to read. I will say, the software I use for my own writing will hint, paragraphs may not need to be longer than three hundred words, and each sentence does not need to be longer than thirty words. This goes to 'readability'. The longer a sentence, and the longer a paragraph, the harder a read it may be. -- I am not saying this is terrible, so much as ... eh, I do wish it were more concise, more manageable to the eye. Break up the longer sentences into more 'readable' contexts.
Actually, since I notice this now, more and more of your sentences do also 'run on' in this manner. Mostly on the lines marked as being spoken from [God of Achalasia]. An alternative too, to repeating this moniker, would be to have the god name himself up front, and then use that instead.
This may also be only my own impression, but would it look better if the 'speaker' tags were before the words spoken, instead of at the ends of the paragraphs?
I see most of the paragraphs also do not have an ending punctuation, such as a period. The places where you do have an ending punctuation are really by necessity -- a question mark, an exclamation point, an ellipsis of periods. For my own personal reading fashion, I do notice the difference, of what is there versus what is not.
I do also see how you are going for a 'screenplay' or 'script' style; but when it starts out with a brief paragraph of description and then just ... switches to the narration/screenplay style, it does take my mind a second to adjust to the next paragraph. I know, it's difficult to mix and match; I will read further chapters in this story too, just to see if I will still like it.
"Well, this second chance came to me thanks to my parents and as such, it will feel like I am betraying them if I chose the second option" [Ash]
As Jeanray said, 2nd option is to be younger with the same body. After reading chapter 2 it's obvious he chose that second option, so...
I suppose he betrayed his parents?
No it's a "second chance at life", not taking the second option!
Babu
As in dad?
@muhammadazmee94
Tell me he doesn’t only have one eye even after being reborn
Is this the way you’re going to continue writing dialog? I’d like to read a story not a discord chat log.
NO: “Yes!” [Ash]
YES: Ash assures him, “Yes!”
I’ll read a couple more chapters and then bail out if this continues.
First chapter is really good. I’m hooked
what country is this supposed to have taken place? if this was the U.S. he would have gotten his inheritance at 18 in which case i don't see him not moving out especially since it the aunt's actions suggest it was a sizable inheritance. then again, as his guardians they would have had control of it until he came of age anyways which would have given them plenty of time to squander it.