Returning home, I was relieved to come back. It truly felt like I had escaped hell. Yet, I felt empty. I had only lost more, in this journey for revenge. It was raining out, with thunder and lightning. I could see the old man waiting for me at the entrance to the estate.

 

“It’s been five years, my lord.” he said. Though he is my servant, I don’t know anything about him. His family comes from elves, they have served our house for generations. 

 

“My son?”

 

“He is in his room, my lord.”

 

Room, huh? I’m guessing he never got out of there. Well, it’s only right that I check up on him.

---

 

“Var- Son, I- I’m home.”

 

“.....” as expected there was no reply.

 

“...come...in...” did he say something?

 

“I’m coming in.” I went in, yet I couldn’t see my son anywhere. I found him. He was curled up in the corner of his room, covering both his face and body. His fingers looked like they were of a decaying corpse, his body emitted a nasty smell. Yet, I didn’t feel disgusted. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t even sympathize with my son who was suffering.

 

“He- Hello father… It’s been… a whi-”

 

“Take care of him.” I just left the room unable to face him.

 

“As you wish, my lord.” Did I care about my own son? No, I abandoned him. Even now. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. I was pathetic.

 

I then went to bathe, yet when I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t see myself. Only a disgustingly empty shell, that had lost all purpose.

 

That was also the faithful day when I met her. A simple maid. But she was determined. She wouldn’t settle down without finishing her work. A hard working and happy person. A far cry from me. I truly envied her.

---

 

“Oy! Lilia… What are you doing!” she said. The maid.

 

“I’m sorry…. I didn’t know what to do..” replied her friend.

 

Even though I was walking by, she didn’t notice me. 

 

“Forgive my impertinence, my lord.” Or rather she did.

 

“It’s fine.” I wonder. Would I have been happy just like her, if there wasn’t a war. There’s no point in this.

---

 

Wiping my body, and wearing casual clothes, I went to sleep. Yet I couldn’t. 

 

I wanted to be a loving father.

 

I wanted to be a good son.

 

I wanted to be a dependable husband.

 

I wanted to be the funniest little brother.

 

I wanted to be a respectable and dignified lord.

 

But, I’ve lost all those aspirations. I’ve now become something akin to trash. No, maybe something worse.

 

Yet, she changed something in me. She was one person who was never afraid to talk back to me. In the beginning, I had thought she was just a person who didn’t have respect for me. But, I didn’t bother to do anything to her. Certainly if this was years ago, she would’ve been executed immediately. But, now I had no intention of doing that. Soon, I realized that she was just someone who was looking for the best for her lord.

---

 

This girl was very interesting, and for that I hired her to be my personal maid. And of course I gave her full rights to talk to me freely. She also took care of Varkhaz of her own accord.

 

“My lord… Are you really going to wear this..?” she asked me. What was wrong with it? Certainly, it was old and a bit dusty. But it was a good pair of clothes.

 

“Yes, is there something wrong?”

 

“My lord… for someone of your status, you don’t seem to be caring about how you look.”

 

“Ah well… I have no interest or point in that.”

 

“No! We can’t let our handsome lord look so dull, you have to look dashing!” she said. How funny. This servant seems to care more about her lord than the lord himself.

 

“Haha…. Well fine, I give up.”

 

“Finally! Let’s get tailors to stitch you the best suits!”

 

It will take a few weeks to arrive, so I had to postpone the meeting with the nobles by a month.

 

After the suit had arrived, the maid told us that they’d need a week to prepare, and we had enough time, and so my face was then ‘redone’, my long and unmaintained beard was completely cut down. My hair was combed back. My mustache however was left untouched, and all my clothes were now new. She had even ordered a spare sword for me, just for the sake of the meeting.

---

 

But all of it was pointless.

 

We both loved each other, I had truly thought that this was when I could turn my life for the better. Yet… 

 

After I had left for war, I had received news that my innocent maid had died. I came back to the territory using special permission. I was finally back. 

 

Even though I had come back.

 

I couldn’t even find her body, it was obvious. She was afterall a random maid in the ducal household, nobody would bother. Would she have been alive, If I had announced her existence. 

 

The only thing left of her was a child, this child was being taken care of by the maid’s friend. Even she did not know whose child it was. I knew that this child was mine, I had soon announced that: I wouldn’t make another mistake. Yet, even then they’d question the authenticity of this child. I did my best to shut all the nobles up.

 

Looking at this child, I was afraid. I didn’t want to give her the pain of being abandoned…. I had named this child Estrelle. She was named after her mother. She looked beautiful.

 

I held her in my heart and cried for days… I couldn’t bear to see this child alone… 

 

Yet, I had given this child to my maid’s friend. Perhaps this child will be happier that way. Being the child of someone like me, is a curse.

 

I hadn’t seen the child since. I didn’t want to see her. I didn’t want to remind myself of my failure. From the reports of the head maid who was appointed after my maid’s death, apparently my child was happy. I knew this was a lie. The numbers were never made up, I have never seen the child in this house, nor have I seen my maid’s friend. 

 

I wanted to never see this, so I lied to myself. I told myself that she was happy. I was never prepared to take care of this child. My son had also lost his only maid who ever took care of him with love. 

 

I didn’t do anything, and just went back to service. I had once again left my territory in the hands of Arbor, I wouldn’t be able to return for 6 years.