Chapter 1: Sleepiness Makes You Sleepier
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It was morning by the time I woke again. Relaxed and more comfortable than I had felt for years. I snuggled deeper into the pillows and quilt enveloping me, sighing in content despite my achy limbs and head. As I began waking up I gradually became aware of just how uncomfortable my body truly was. My mouth felt like cotton and tasted like rotten fish intestines. My eyes were bleary and aching, while my whole body felt lethargic and tender. It was altogether rotten, and I didn't want to move. So many things had happened these past few days that I didn't even care that I was in an unknown place sleeping on an unknown bed, waiting for who knows what to happen. I had long ago given up. I just lay there trying to keep my mind empty. It was then a sharp pain struck my already throbbing brain, there was a rush and my mind was filled with images and sounds. Memories of a soft caress, the pain of being hit, all bundled up together in a tumult. Involuntarily, I cried out in pain, whimpering at the intrusion of a whole other existence’s lifetime in my memory.

Focused on my suffering I didn't realize when strong, warm arms encircled me, coaxing. It took a few minutes for the agonizing torment to die down and another for me to catch my breath. All the while the man--who I had caught a glimpse of last night--caressed my back soothingly. 

Apparently, that man taking care of me wasn't just a fever dream. 

I took my time to ground myself and look through the swirling memories, stowing them away when done with. I'm not sure how long it was, but the comforting arms stayed with me the whole time, wiping my sweat. The visions in my head were so immersive that it was like falling into a never ending, horrible dream. In my own world--since this apparently wasn't it--I had encountered sadness and misfortune, betrayal. but it was nothing compared to the sheer abuse this body had endured. Towards the end of the memories I couldn't help sobbing as it's original owner was flung into the cold depths of a winter lake, ice floating on its surface. They had beaten and starved him, demeaned and broken him, only to throw him away when he was no longer useful as a punching bag. This body was a wreck, thin limbs and brittle bones from growing up with constant abuse and malnutrition. But the most striking fact was that this body was intersex, a male that could give birth. Androgynous and pretty, he would have grown up with suitors and a bright future if not for his wretched fate. I had somewhere, involuntarily begun weeping. Crying out in sympathy and pain, I could no longer tell who had suffered those torments.

My mind came back from it's trance and I finally registered the quiet murmurings of reassurance that the man belonging to the secure arms around me, issued. My sobs quietened and my body relaxed, gradually melting bonelessly into the embrace, accepting what was freely given to me. It had been so long since someone had just held me, or helped wipe my tears. As vulnerable and defenseless as I was. I couldn't muster the strength to be wary, I felt a strange sense of belonging. I felt safe.

My eyes were swollen and hot and my skin still felt feverish, I wasn't totally recovered from last night's bout of illness. Although I wasn't sure how long I had been sick. After a few minutes he let me go, and I was able to catch another glance at his appearance. He was indeed good looking, but the daylight made me able to observe more than I could at night. 

His clothing looked like the plush robes a noble would wear, but slightly faded and worn. His stature was tall, taller than this body and taller than I would have been before. He wasn't burly, but lean and well-built and looked to be in his early twenties. 

When he let go his hold, he gently helped my weak body into a sitting position, propping up pillows and tucking the covers around me. It really was a little too thoughtful, but he did it with such nonchalance I was tempted to accept it just like that.

“Thank you,” my throat hurt from everything that happened making my voice hoarse. He handed me a cup of water, but stopped me from saying thanks again.

“No need for thanks.” His voice was deep and calm, saying the words smoothly, but it felt perfunctory to my skeptical and untrusting mind.

“No, I should thank sir, it’s only right. Let me repay sir in some way.” I had no money and this body was relatively useless for hard labour, if I couldn't thank the man with words what could I thank him with? What did he want?

His brow furrowed. “No need, speak of this when you recover.” In a tone that brooked no argument his words seemed displeased, and I was dissatisfied, wondering what he was after. I nodded reluctantly.

“Wha-what’s sir’s name?” I asked, voice cracking. How embarrassing.

Xiao Lifeng (萧力冯),” his replies were all sparse of verbage. I really didn't like the idea of being the one doing all the talking, I wasn't much of a talker myself but I liked to hear others speak.

“My name is Xi Yunchen (习昀晨).” He nodded at that and began wrapping my body up with blankets in preparation to carry me. I made a small sound in token protest, but my body was too weak to move on it's own. He scooped me up with ease that made me seem weightless, and I couldn't help but squeak when his arms were the only thing between me and the hard floor.

“Where are you taking me?” I swiveled my drooping head with great difficulty to his face. Looking up was already a big task.

“Bath.” He looked at me with unfathomably deep eyes, and I shivered under his scrutiny.

Then I panicked slightly, “B-but you can't! I-I’m not--it's not proper!” I originally liked men, so being intersex was just something I had to get used to, not something I couldn't accept. But that didn't mean I had no shame.

His cheeks colored a little as a slightly bashful look crossed his face for a few seconds before disappearing. The slight blush remained. “Already seen everything.”

I sputtered, blanching and then reddening. “When? I mean, how--why?”

He paused a few minutes before answering “...You were too cold. Had to warm you up.”

What did that mean? That implied any number of actions, but there was only one at the forefront of my mind when he said it, and it made me blush like a tomato. He looked down at me nervously like he was afraid I would be angry. I huffed softly, trembling a bit. I was angry.

“Not mad?” He asked tentatively, as if trying to apologize, but too awkward to get the words out.

He looked so innocent I couldn't stay upset. I decided to give him an olive branch, “...I suppose not really... Just a little embarrassed. You didn't do it to defile me, but to save me, so it's okay. My body’s not much to look at besides.” His face showed surprise, if not a little hope. I turned my eyes away, since my neck was too heavy to move at the moment. The short silence that followed made me nervous. It startled me when his arms tightened and he carried me into another room. 

The bedroom I was in originally had two doors, one leading further in, at the back, and one that led to the rest of the house, from what I could guess. We were headed for the former. 

The room on the other side of the door was filled with steam and gave off a dreamy atmosphere. I didn't really have the strength or the awareness to look around before, but the whole house gave off an air of affluence. But it was all somehow, ancient feeling, despite being things that I recognized from daily life. The bathtub was big and the room had good ventilation, the decorations were tasteful, but not gaudy. 

Once in the room Xiao Lifeng gently laid me on a small settee and began unwrapping my many layers; I felt like an onion. I tensed when he got to my underclothes, unconsciously gripping his arm. He stilled and looked in my anxious eyes.

“It's okay, I won't touch you.” Brow furrowed again, his sincerity shone through his deep, dark pupils and somehow I felt myself relaxing, trusting him. Even though him touching me wasn't what had me on edge. Whatever, I closed my eyes before inclining my head in acquiescence. His hands were always gentle, carefully taking all the cloth off my body. With each layer more skin showed, and then there were the scars

Some were terrifyingly large, while the small ones were so numerous it made my skin crawl just seeing them. Even if I was aware of some of the abuse this body had endured, it was too hard to process all at once, so I had blocked most of it from my mind. Now, seeing them, I could recognize each one and recall clearly how “I” had gotten them. Each scar sent my mind reeling into a past I had just come to know. It was too much. It sent chills down my spine. How could someone be so ruthless? 

 

“You worthless brat! Who said you could eat?!” She angrily flipped the table, pushing a small six year old boy to the ground along with it, bowls of cold rice and slimy vegetables clattering and shattering.

“I-I’m sorry!”

“Shut up! Son of a whore! Your very existence is dirty! Who allowed something so filthy sit at the table with normal human beings? Sit on the floor like the bitch you are!” the woman kicked the small child mercilessly, sending him sprawling and gasping for air. Seeing him cringe in pain made a cruel smile curl at the corners of the woman’s mouth. She laughed softly saying in a quiet, commanding tone, “Come here, little dog.”

The little boy hesitantly crawled towards her, too afraid to disobey. The woman elegantly sighed and picked up a broken dish, before using it to engrave deep bleeding wounds into the boy’s arm--

 

Turning to a servant, a beautiful boy said in a soft tone, “Yi-er, give me my sword.”

“Pl-please young master! I d-didn't mean to! It was an accident!” crouched on the ground before him was the same boy from previous scenes. He had grown and looked about 10 or 11. His body was so thin it was hard to tell if he was actually older. He grovelled and pleaded, hoping and begging for mercy. The boy standing before him was at least five years older and was dressed very rich and ostentatiously. He gazed coldly at the “mutt” at his feet.

“Hmph, yes an unfortunate accident. Just like you. Yi-er, my sword.” The servant brought out an exquisite blade. It was thin and meant for graceful flourishes.

Sobbing screams broke out of the child’s mouth as the thin blade carved into his flesh--

 

The sensations were so tangible, they sent my mind into chaos. Unconsciously, I started to thrash, trying to escape, to fight back. I couldn't help but cry out, trying to make these too-real illusions disappear. I didn't want to see anymore. They were tangible, I felt every sensation, heard every sound as if it was just happening. Subconsciously, my mind knew they didn't exist, but I couldn't control them, or how they effected me. Then I felt two warm palms cradle my face, trying to pacify my raging emotions. They weren't soft--covered in callouses--but they were grounding in my haze, and kind. My gaze cleared and refocused on the fine face before me. His brows were once again drawn together in concern, his lips tight in a thin line of displeasure.

I grimaced as tear after tear slid down my face and I registered the shuttering sobs wracking my weak shoulders. I didn't want to be in this body anymore, it was so tiring. I was exhausted, the memories took such a toll. In some ways it would have been better to drown to death in the ice-cold water of that winter lake and never wake up. I closed my eyes in desperation.

Strong arms once again drew me into an embrace. It was warm and encompassed my shaken body, setting my instincts in a frenzy as they somehow calmed my frayed nerves. I found myself clinging to this strange man, Xiao Lifeng. He was quiet and his steady breaths brought me a sense of longing from within my soul. What did he want? What did this mean, what was his purpose? Why did he give me hope?

Giving me enough time to slow my panicked breathing, and regain most of my calm, Xiao Lifeng placed me in the warm and soothing water. The heat eased the last of my tension, drawing a slow sigh from my mouth.

With slow movements he began washing my hair, letting my body soak contentedly as his strong hands worked through the tangled strands of my long locks. Despite me thinking he would, he didn't really touch the rest of my body, just let me soak. It was relieving.

Some time passed and I had mostly calmed from the episode. A small bit of shame washed through me, this situation was too bizarre, and my behaviour--while excusable from circumstances--was so unrestrained. I felt uncomfortable suddenly, couldn't help blushing from distress. My saviour apparent, had comforted me several times and held me naked while doing so. When I opened my eyes to look at him I saw his eyes turned away, faint blush on his ears and a look of consternation on his face. Was all this just a ploy to make me drop my guard? If so, I wasn't doing a very good job of keeping it up in the first place, so why bother? Or it truly was, and this was all part of an elaborate plan? But looking at him, although he was very outstanding, he didn't show any signs of deception. I realized, maybe he was quite innocent? In the end it didn't matter, there was no way I could refuse him. Seeing him like this though, gave me a slight reassurance. He was harmless for now, I was too drained to care. So throwing away my useless thoughts, I relaxed totally.

I hadn't realized I was dozing until he lifted me from the water and wrapped me in a large towel. Absentmindedly thinking, I must be heavy, and yet here I am the one dozing. Sickness makes you sleepy, and sleeping makes you sleepier. I huffed a spent laugh at my own thoughts and closed my eyes tiredly, feeling slightly dizzy again. He draped some inner robes about my body and then wrapped me in a blanket, bundling me up like a dumpling. Then he carried me back to the bedroom and laid me on the bed. I was very comfortable now, and felt terribly sleepy, which annoyed me. I had been sleeping too much for my own liking recently. Before I could close my eyes, a porcelain bowl was placed on my lips. An herbal fragrance wafted to my nose as Xiao Lifeng urged me to drink it. I did so and felt the warm liquid fill my body with an easing sensation, making my limbs melt into the soft bed and my mind fuzzy, while faint uneasiness congealed in the back of my mind.

“It’s medicine, for your sickness.” I still felt uneasy as my mind slipped away and his words faded. What did you give me, Xiao Lifeng?

*sigh* Okay dont kill me. About the names 习昀晨, 萧力冯, I made them up before lookin for Chinese characters for them, so though the meanings are there they dont have the greatest significance, I just liked the meanings after searching for a while. Also I dont speak Chinese and hope I havent butchered the language too much as my knowledge of it is too thin. Also also, the fact that I really want some feedback on this as I am not sure how good it is and has been sitting in my docs for months, I dont want to drop it but I'm not sure where to go with it, I dont know if I'll update regularly or not. 

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