I woke up on the second day of the outing at my usual hour, at around 6 in the morning. To be more precise, I probably rose from the bed a bit earlier than normal, since I couldn’t let me alarm keep ringing and snooze through it, for fear of disturbing my drunk roommates. Hence I proceeded with my morning ritual as though it was a normal day.

The difference, though, from a normal day was that I was in quite a somber mood that morning. My talk with Shirley the previous evening had inadvertently made its mark on me. It wasn’t really something new, or even something I had not known prior. Everything she said and implied were things that had already crossed my mind before. But there was a stark difference between just having it in thought and having it pointed it out to you face to face.

I could never understand why I was so unwilling, and so incapable of doing something when it came to subject of love. On one hand, I had always remarked to myself how boring of a life I had been living. For sure, I wanted to fall in love and someday get married. So I knew I had to actively do something about it. I had to put myself in a position where something could happen.

Yet on the other hand, I was still so stubborn with my reluctance to take risks. I refused to do anything that I wasn’t sure of, even as I had no idea how to become certain. I had a plethora of excuses on standby to use to convince myself not to do anything:

I’m in no rush.

The timing doesn’t seem right.

If it’s meant to be, it will just happen.

I can’t see us ending up together.

I’m not sure if I like her that much.

They were excuses, excuses to run away from making a decision. I had known that. And yet I was still insistent on clinging on to them. Perhaps I was afraid of making a mistake. Perhaps I was afraid of trying and failing. If I never try, I would never fail. But I also knew that if I never try, I would never succeed.

That’s why Shirley’s words had sent me spiraling down in the labyrinth of my overthinking. Wasn’t it about time for me to risk myself? Wasn’t it about time for me to change? Wasn’t it about time for me to do something?

It wasn’t like I had any concerns with Vivien. Even as I tried to downplay it, the fact still remained that I liked her. She made me feels things I had never felt before. I was certainly attracted to her. And if fate had it that we would end up together, I could not think of any reason for me to be unhappy about it.

So I thought that maybe that was it. Maybe she was the one, even as that sounded cheesy. And yet for the life of me, I was still afraid of admitting it, even to myself.

My thoughts weren’t getting anywhere that morning, so after taking a shower, I decided to have a stroll along the beach before having my breakfast.

* * * * *

There were only a few people up and about at 6:30 in the morning that day. There was Albert, who was already going for a morning swim at such an early hour. Then there a few girls from our admin department heading to the dining area, presumably to make sure we will have something to eat soon. Then there were some of the health nuts from the office who frequently join marathons already out on a morning jog. But the oddest sight to see was Carl, who was sleeping in one of the huts along the beach.

* * * * *

“Carl is sleeping outside?” I asked Marvin, who I met along my walk. He was friends with Carl.

“Yeah, someone vomited on his bed.”

“What? Who?”

Marvin gave a shrug. “Just heard it being mentioned. A lot of people were wasted last night.”

“Oh… I’m surprised you’re up early,” I remarked, given that Marvin was one of the occasionally late and usually buzzer-beating employees.

“I haven’t slept yet.”

“What? Why?”

“Sleep is for the weak,” he joked. “I’ll sleep after breakfast and on the bus.”

* * * * *

“Jude!”

I heard a call from above as I was walking along the cottages. I looked up to see Vivien, with a book on hand, peering out the balcony.

“Are you going for breakfast?” she asked.

“Yeah.”

“Wait up, I’ll join you,” she said as she went back inside her room.

I stood there, waiting for her, wondering where life is taking me towards.

* * * * *

“Everyone’s still asleep,” Vivien complained as we walked towards the dining hall. “I couldn’t find anyone to eat breakfast with.”

“Right, you never eat alone,” I joked. She had mentioned it before that she disliked eating alone.

“That’s just sad.”

“It’s just food,” I teased.

“So, no hangover?” I asked Vivien.

“I’m not a big drinker. Just had one bottle of beer. I was busier taking care of the drunk people. Joyce was pretty wasted.”

“Oh yeah, I saw her last night. She was… pretty out of it.”

I resisted the urge to tell her about Joyce’s drunk tirade over mushrooms.

“Yeah, no corkage means no limit on drinking, so lots of really wasted people last night. Even some of the admin girls were really drunk last night. I don’t know if management will have an issue with that.”

“Wow, seems like I missed a lot.”

“You disappeared way too early!” Vivien retorted.

“I… got sleepy...”

On one hand, I didn’t really like people noticing me. On the other hand, I was kind of glad she took notice of my presence, or lack thereof.

* * * * *

The breakfast served to us was a typical breakfast buffet. There was bread, rice, bacon, eggs, corned beef and others. Vivien and I went our separate ways to get our own particular choice of food.

There were already a couple of people there eating breakfast by the time we got there, mostly from people older than us. They probably were the people who didn’t stay up all night drinking. But they were still only a handful of them, so there were still a couple of vacant tables.

I sat down in a vacant table for eight, choosing a corner spot on the table. I thought that a smaller table, like a two-seater, might be a bit too awkward, so I went with the biggest vacant table there was. Shortly after, Vivien joined me in the table and sat in front of me.

“I’m surprised at Vic’s confession last night. I didn’t expect that from him,” I opened the conversation.

“Yeah, he gets really chatty after a few hard drinks.”

“Uhm… That too…”

“Oh you mean the tapirs?”

I laughed.

“Yeah, that one. I mean, I’m not trying to judge him, I just didn’t expect that he’d actually... you know, try it… for science,” I added.

“Well…”

“Although I guess at some level it kind of makes sense. His reasoning, and actually even how he went about it, they were actually quite logical.”

“Would you try it then?” Vivien joked.

“Uhm… probably not…”

I probably was leading the conversation towards a bad direction at this point, so I decided to take a turn.

“Anyway, I heard people got really wasted. Is this the normal thing for the outing?” I asked.

“Nah, last night was more extreme. Things were tamer the previous years. It really is the corkage fee thing.”

“At least there will be interesting stories from last night, right?”

“Yeah! Like Mark! He went around hugging everyone!”

“So, uhm, harassment?”

Vivien laughed. It was meant to be a joke. Mark was a friendly, slightly effeminate guy well-liked by people. I was sure people didn’t find the hugs to be with meaning.

“Nah, they were rather playful hugs,” Vivien answered. “Then Gian went nuts on the karaoke. But I’m not sure how much of that is from drinking. I’ve seen him sing like that before while sober.”

I nodded as I took a bit from my sliced bread, urging her to go on.

“Oh, what about Chris? I heard he was going to serenade Rose. I wonder how it went.”

“I heard from Desmond that it didn’t really go that well. Something like Rose didn’t really appreciate the showiness.”

“Oh. That’s sad. Oh well…”

Our little alone time ended shortly after that when Cathleen and Jane, another colleague of ours, joined our table.

* * * * *

People woke up at different times that morning. Some showed up for breakfast mid-way through the meal. Others woke up during breakfast time and simply headed straight to eat to catch up to the last few minutes of the meal. Still a few others skipped it together.

As for those of us who were awake, the rest of the morning unraveled much like the previous day. A few went to swim, while the rest just hanged out with their group of friends. The difference from the previous day was that the topic of conversation largely revolved around the various antics people did the night before.

Those conversation extended until lunch time, where people still exchanged various stories with each other. But lunch was the last item in our outing schedule, so shortly after that, it was already time for our bus ride home.

* * * * *

Much like the bus ride going to the resort, I sat beside Vivien on the bus ride leaving the resort. This time around, though, I hardly had any expectations on the bus ride. Chances are, we were both going to end up taking naps on the bus, so there was no use to be anxious over the ride. Sure, I still had all my supplies in my bag, but I was no longer looking out for opportunities to use those.

In fact, I was already quite relaxed over the bus ride that I was the first one to fall asleep on the bus.

* * * * *

I awoke from my short nap when the bus encountered a slight bump. My consciousness was still hazy, but I felt as though a weight was lifted from my left shoulder. I opened my eyes slowly and looked towards my left.

Obviously, Vivien was there. She was asleep, with her head facing slightly to her left.

Was the weight on my left side perhaps her? Did she end up sleeping on my shoulder? Did the bump in the ride end up dislodging her from leaning on me?

Or perhaps I had imagined the sensation altogether. I was still drowsy, so there was a fair chance I had simply dreamt the sensation.

I banished any further thoughts from my mind and decided to go back to my nap. After another bump on the ride, I once again felt a weight on my left side.

Perhaps it was once again my imagination. Perhaps I was just dreaming.

But then again, maybe it didn’t matter. People are allowed to dream after all.