Chapter 11 – I’m Fine, I Really Am
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The moment I read Shirley’s message, waves of various thoughts came popping up in my head. Was it a joke? Most likely not. Shirley wouldn’t have joked about something like that. Perhaps she was just mistaken? Plausible, but unlikely. It would be too much of a stretch for Vivien to show up with a guy who isn’t her boyfriend but someone who could be mistaken as a boyfriend. Also, I would bet Shirley wouldn’t misread something like that. If Vivien really did have a boyfriend, why didn’t she tell us? But then, would there be any reason for her to tell us? No one explicitly asked her about that before. Maybe this was just something recent?

My over-thinking quickly spiraled down into a mess of me contemplating various things I would never be able to answer.

Worst, I couldn’t figure out what emotions I was feeling. Was I jealous? But I had nothing to be jealous about. I never really felt any particular longing to be with Vivien. Was I angry? Angry at whom? No one did anything wrong. Regret? There was nothing I could pinpoint that I had wished I did differently.

But for some reason, the revelation just felt heavy. It was as though I lost something, something that I’m not ever sure what it was. But I felt bothered, like things weren’t how they should be. And maybe most of all I felt bothered by the fact I was bothered by it all without any good reason.

Suffice to say, I didn’t have the courage to go through with meeting up with the gang for that bookstore trip.

* * * * *

When Monday morning came, I braced myself for what was to come. I knew I had to play it cool, even though I had yet to settle my internal turmoil.

“Morning!” Vivien greeted me at the elevator lobby in our building. For some reason, fate had it that on the one morning when I didn’t want to face her, she would coincidentally arrive to the building at the same time as me.

“Hey!” I greeted back, putting on a smile that had all my meager acting skills in it.

“What happened? You weren’t able to come on Saturday?”

“Yeah, some stuff came up. I had to run some errands for my mom. I wasn’t able to finish in time.”

It was the best lie I could come up with previously. I didn’t want to meet them then, because reality might have been too harsh for me to accept. I wasn’t ready. But I didn’t want to be rude and just be a no-show. So I had to tell someone that I couldn’t come using some excuse.

But I didn’t have the courage to contact Vivien. If I message Shirley, I had to respond to her earlier message. I wasn’t ready for that. So I had no other choice but to message Josh that I probably would not make it, as I had errands to do. It was the safest route for me to take according to my scampering mind.

“Too bad, I wanted to introduce my boyfriend to you guys.” Vivien remarked.

That was it. Earlier I had hoped that I could simply escape from such a scenario. But no, fate had other plans. It ended up as the first thing to greet me in the morning.

I couldn’t run away anymore. I had to face the music.

“Oh? You have a boyfriend? Since when?” I asked, feigning ignorance. On one hand, I really did want to know the details. On the other hand, I just needed to put up a facade to ensure I wouldn’t unravel. I was in uncharted territories, and I had no idea how badly I could end up.

“I guess we became official just recently? We’ve been going out since college though.”

“What? So that’s like, five years or so before you guys became official?”

“We just didn’t want the labels that came with it.”

“So you guys were an item ever since, just not in name?”

“Something like that.”

“That’s… odd.”

Thankfully, by this part of the conversation, we already had to go our separate ways to get to our workstations. So the conversation just tailed off from there. As I was walking to my seat, though, I wondered what changed such that they were finally willing to make things official.

* * * * *

<[email protected]> you did not show up!

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> sorry

<[email protected]> had some errands

<[email protected]> is that the excuse you came up with?

<[email protected]> excuse for what?

<[email protected]> …

<[email protected]> did you receive my message?

<[email protected]> which one?

<[email protected]> gah

<[email protected]> that v has a boyfriend!

<[email protected]> oh

<[email protected]> that

<[email protected]> yeah

<[email protected]> sorry i forgot to reply

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> and?

<[email protected]> and what?

<[email protected]> any reaction?

<[email protected]> uhm….

<[email protected]> well i was kind of surprised no one seemed to know

<[email protected]> actually

<[email protected]> i chatted with v a while ago

<[email protected]> apparently they’ve been going out since long ago

<[email protected]> they just didn’t like the “label” or something like that

<[email protected]> apparently it’s only recently they made things official

<[email protected]> something like that

<[email protected]> and?

<[email protected]> and what?

<[email protected]> ugh

<[email protected]> any reaction to that?

<[email protected]> hmm…

<[email protected]> well i feel the labels thing is a weird reason

<[email protected]> if you’re a couple, you’re a couple. if not, then not.

<[email protected]> i find the ambiguity weird

<[email protected]> i mean about v having a boyfriend!

<[email protected]> uhm…

<[email protected]> well

<[email protected]> v looks happy

<[email protected]> as a friend, i’ll support that

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> but you like her!

<[email protected]> don’t you feel jealous?

<[email protected]> wut no

<[email protected]> why would i feel jealous?

<[email protected]> i mean

<[email protected]> sure i think she’s cute and all

<[email protected]> but that’s not a big deal

<[email protected]> it’s not like i’m pursuing her

<[email protected]> you’re not?

<[email protected]> no

<[email protected]> just because you like someone doesn’t mean you pursue her

<[email protected]> you can just like someone and that’s it

<[email protected]> are you sure?

<[email protected]> positively

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> tsss

<[email protected]> so you’re fine with it?

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> please don’t worry about me, i’m fine

<[email protected]> lol

<[email protected]> fine

* * * * *

Over the course of that week, news started going around on how Vivien actually had a boyfriend. It became the the talk of the town, or rather, the office. I never really found out how the news spread, or even how Vivien handled all the hullabaloo surrounding it, but that’s beside the point. I was far too occupied handling my own issues of that matter.

There were several friends who asked me how I was taking it all, some asking the question more blatantly than the others. I suppose some of them were rather well-meaning, or at least I’d like to hope so, while it was almost certain some were in fact carelessly just trying to have fun. But amidst all those awkward conversations, I managed to insist that I was fine.

But the fact was that I wasn’t. While perhaps sorting out my own feelings with regard to Vivien could be seen as something that wasn’t a big deal, what exacerbated the issue all the more were all those conversations with the people around me.

I wanted to be fine, that’s why I insisted on stating and behaving that I was. But people were implying that I wasn’t, or at least, I shouldn’t be. It was as though people around me were easily seeing through and dismissing the facade that I was fine.

I didn’t have a clear grasp on what I really felt on the matter of Vivien, or on what I want to feel, or on what I should feel. I felt rather helpless, not knowing what to do nor what I wanted to aim for. And I hated being in that state.

I had to do something about my situation. Something had to change.

* * * * *

But sometimes in life, change comes from the most obscure places. In my particular situation, what shook me out of my conundrum was the news of Chris’s resignation.

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