"Mother, everything is fine. The Dong tribe was finally suppressed two weeks ago. Father has set camp fifty li(1) away to ambush the tribe's smaller forces."
I can't help but smile when I read Li-er's letters. They are always so short and very stiff , very military-like. Why would I care about what-tribe and where-tribe. Three years have passed since he left as a soldier under ChanFang's and the Tiger army's care.
Letters from outside Da Lang are always slow to arrive. Not to mention, ChanFang and Li-er may not always have the best times to write. After all, they have to camp in wilderness or travel on horseback, if not subduing that what-tribe and where-tribe. I always treasure every piece of his letters.
As long as he is healthy, that's all I need to know. As long as I know my son is somewhere, thinking of me, and will one day return to me; that's all I need to know. It's a mother's job to constantly worry about her son, so I always feel amused when he writes, "Mother, do not worry too much."
I trace my fingers on Li-er's handwriting and imagine him writing this letter under the night light inside his camp. But then again, he might have written this when the army was camping in the wilderness during a short respite... .
The bold characters still carry slight cursive and that scholarly elegance he always exude through his writing.
My son is growing up.
"After rendezvous with Father, we will be making our way home. Our guess on when this can happen should be at least another six full moons away."
Finally. My baby is coming home. Though he is already past fourteen years old now, hardly the age where I should be referring him as a baby. When he comes back, he should be about fifteen... .
I begin to read the last part of his letter... .
Then I can't help but to furrow my brows in disappointment.
I should have known but to expect something different from him this time.
Feeling upset, I throw that piece of paper away, still remembering his writing I have just read,
"Mother, in regards to that matter; for the last time: This son does NOT agree. Please do not try to convince this son otherwise."
I can't help but to heave emotionally. I dare say, I am feeling very angry at this stone-headed son of mine.
I have to sigh again in sadness. From outside my room, I can hear crisp laughter of Bai-er, and soft chuckles of YuLan. Both girls' voices are always music to my ears.
This matter that Li-er is not agreeing on, is about Bai YuLan though. More precisely, it's about my wish to adopt her officially as a Ji family daughter.
Three years ago, with Li-er gone, I could only pour all my affections to Bai-er. As she is always attached to YuLan, how could I then not notice more of this girl... this silent but bright, kind, exceptionally smart girl. And just the way she carries herself, she looks in every way a nobility. A young lady.
I am sure Rui-jie also noticed. With ChanFang gone as well, our lives practically revolve around Bai-er ever since then. Because we could see that YuLan is different from normal servants, we started to pay more attention to her as well.
YuLan does not pale to Bai-er in the slightest bit. If anything, Bai-er seems to look up to her, even imitating the way she eats, the way she walks... .
Quite amusing, actually. Even all the little maids Meng-momo brought back with her from the orphanage now somehow seem to treat YuLan more like another Young Miss.
We then gave her the opportunity to learn under He-laoshi's tutelage. Even a nobility would be hard-pressed to gain He-laoshi's tutelage, but YuLan did not disappoint. If anything, it just makes everyone see how amazing this girl is.
Those melodies she produces, her expressions, her eyes, that emotion that screamed through her zither... . I dare say I actually could see tears in her sorrowful downcast eyes when she first played a score that I have never heard before.
I wanted to hug her in my arms, wanted to ask her what's wrong.
Does she miss her parents? But... she doesn't know them, never seen them, right?
Then what could have grieved her so? Why does she look like she want to cry whenever she strums the guqin or erhu? What is she remembering? Who is she remembering?
Her grief is so clearly transmitted to us when we listen to her play. It makes us want to cry.
I want a daughter.
I want YuLan to be my daughter.
Of course I consider Bai-er as a daughter, too. But she has Rui-jie.
I want to give YuLan the status of a noble family daughter. The Ji clan can provide such status. Only then, I can give her a good future, a good prospect in marriage.
Bai-er has the Yong Prince as her fiance. What about YuLan? With no status, she cannot be a bird perching on the highest branches. It won't matter how talented she is, if she's not a noble daughter, no one would want to ask her hand in marriage.
For a young lady like YuLan, she deserves no less than a son from a prestigious clan or nobility.
Rui-jie supports my decision. I was so happy after her approval that I unhesitatingly wrote letters to ChanFang and Li-er about the matter. After all, they are the two most important men in my life, and I must know their opinions on this.
This was about two years ago.
I remembered waiting anxiously for the reply. When a merchant came from the east three months later, carrying their letters, I almost cried tears of joy when I saw that ChanFang would support my decision, as long as Rui-jie, Bai-er, and Li-er agree as well.
Rui-jie and Bai-er are not an issue.
But when I read Li-er's reply, my heart broke.
"Mother, I do not agree with your intention to take Bai YuLan as your daughter."
After that, I kept writing my letters to him, and I always mention her in my letters.
I tried to convince him of her strength. How excellent YuLan is. How smart she is. How she won't bring down the Ji family's prestige at all. How everyone in the estate love her. How Rui-jie and Bai-er like her.
How I love her and I really really want to have her be registered in the family record, as my daughter.
His reply is always the same.
I have boasted how even He-laoshi and Sun-laoshi always have high praises for her. How her qin play now may probably as good as how Li-er used to be. Probably even more. Having her as an adopted sister will not give him any decline in his standing - if that is what he is worried about.
I don't understand my son. I wish he can see what I see: that YuLan is worth everything that I wish to give her.
I look at that poor piece of paper that I threw in a fit of anger. Feeling somewhat guilty, I pick it up and caress it slightly, trying to smooth out the crinkles I have caused from my earlier ire. I read one last sentence from my son, Ji SongLi,
"Mother. I know YuLan is good. But I will never accept her to be my sister."
...... .
WHHHHYYYYY!!!
