As far as my eyes can see, the barren land beyond the eastern borders brings a sense of isolation. It must be tough to live in this part of the world.
No wonder the Zhang empire always becomes the target of hungry eyes. With lush landscapes, fertile lands, and our rich culture, we are no doubt a mouth-watering dish that others constantly covet.
It has been into the third year since we first arrived, trying to curb the insurgences that have lately also spread to the smaller villages between the Eastern Deserts and the Zhang Empire. This mission is actually taking longer than expected.
I was truly a frog in a pond. I used to always be concerned about my insecurities, about people's perception of me, about Father's perception of me.
At this part of the world, people have to fight just to eat. People plunder; people kill; people take whatever they can from others as they don't know any other means to live.
Days turned into weeks turned into months turned into years. Time is was fast and relentless. After ensuring I could manage on my own, Father left a small garrison of Ji army soldiers where I set camp at for my disposal. He received a lead about one of the major ruling tribes, whose people more ruthless than most, utilizing a local canyon as their hideout. I just have to stay put here to make sure the smaller tribes won't wreak havoc and cross borders to our Empire's territory.
Days have been pretty boring and I mostly spend my time practicing the path of the sword.
Due to our close vicinity to the Eastern Deserts and Zhang Empire's border, sometimes merchants who come to trade to the border villages would come to our camp. They are also our way of communicating with our families, delivering our letters back and forth. It would take months for the letters to come and go, but it is much better than having no contact at all with our loved ones.
I remember a few days ago, when I read Mother's letter, I was overjoyed.
"Li-er. Mother wants to adopt YuLan into our family. I think 'Ji YuLan' sounds pretty fitting for her too, don't you think? I would like to adopt her officially as my daughter."
I remember I penned my reply straight away that night, expressing my utmost support and joy for her intention. I adore YuLan, and I would be delighted if she can be a part of our family. What will be better than giving her the status of a General's daughter? I was truly happy for her. Bai-mei likes her too, and I'm sure Father will just grow fonder of her if given a chance. If she were to be my sister, I could always be by her side, protecting her as an older brother should be. I could be closer to her as well and be an irreplaceable part of her life. I should be more than content with that kind of arrangement.
Then that very night, I had a dream.
In that dream, I was not alone. I was on the floor, but there was someone in my embrace. My fingers were softly tracing a silky smooth bare pale skin of a young woman. I could only see her back, her long dark brown hair cascaded like a beautiful rainfall on her back.
I ran my fingers through the curves of her shoulders, through her spine, and down her arching back, down to two deep dimples just above her hips.
Was there anyone else more exquisite than this woman?
When I felt her slight tremble under my touch, I caressed the nape of her neck and guided her body to face me.
Her eyes met mine; her translucent, hooded, soft eyes. Her deep brown watery orbs, lustrous as they were, beckoned for my soul to be lost. They were more beautiful than the desert's clear night sky and the glimmering stars. From her full lips, she let out a soft sigh, a voice that sounded so familiar but so foreign at the same time to my ears. It was like a song to me, the most beautiful melody that could ever exist in heaven and earth.
In that dream, I wanted to spend eternity remembering her every curve. I ran my fingers through her soft hair, through her collar bones, down to the two perfectly beautiful round mounds on her chest. As I lingered longer there, she arched her back to get closer to me, to feel my fingers on her skin more. My palm grew warm against the sensation of her skin.
She burnt me. She devoured me completely. I was completely at her mercy.
My soul was lost in the oblivion inside her crystalline eyes. And I did not have an inkling of intention to escape.
At that moment, I knew: she owned me.
I was hers, am hers, will always be hers.
I complied just a bit longer to her silent demands, teasing her breasts. When she shuddered and pressed herself closer against me to seek for more, I thought it was the greatest win of my life. I continued to trace her body down to her hips. I wanted to etch every inch of her skin to my very own existence, I want to never forget.
I felt shivers in my heart despite the heat inside my blank mind and body. All that existed in my world and sight, was her. The lower part of my body was aching. It was the most intense longing I had never felt before. She lifted her left leg; with her curling toe, she softly touched my right hip down to my thigh, seemingly teasing me. The corner of her lips were faintly curled, giving me a soft smile.
It brought me joy. I knew, she wanted me like I wanted her.
I was deprived, and only she could give me respite.
As I grabbed her teasing left leg with my right hand and set it against my hip, I reached her back with my left hand, pulling her body to mine. And with an urgent push, my body gladly melded with her, finally finding comfort inside her, relishing in the taste of her warmth and wetness cocooning me. The comfort gradually turned to indiscernible hunger as I plundered and tried to seek what I need, what I required, what I wanted to take from her. It was only fueled with her disjointed sighs and warm breaths against my skin.
And she whispered a name against my ears, a name that belonged to me, yet it did not.
Then I was jolted awake. I was drenched in sweat from head to toe. I felt dizzy. I felt an incomprehensible sense of lost.
I looked at my trembling palms. The dream felt so real. She felt so real. The feeling of her warm skin against mine still lingered at the tips of my fingers. My ears were still hot from her teasing voice.
My lower half... .
I was so embarrassed I could die. It took me a while to calm down and I had to miss my morning practice routine because of that.
The woman in my dream was so familiar, yet was also not, at the same time. But if there is anything I can always be sure of, it's her eyes, and her soft smile.
She looked much much older in my dream, but there's no doubt I know her.
"Bai YuLan," I whisper.
I walk towards my tent, shaking my head as I feel my body become warmer with the recollection of that dream. On the small desk, amongst various military documents and regional maps of the desert, was the letter I have written a few days ago before I had that dream. On it, is my handwriting at the bottom of the letter:
"Mother, this son does not have any objection to your wish for YuLan. It will be my utmost delight to have her as a sister."
I smile helplessly at my own stupidity and stare at the paper for a while. Then feeling more sure than ever, I pick it up and throw it into the burning brazier besides the small desk.
I sigh, take a blank piece of paper, and dip my brush in black ink. My new letter contains mostly the same thing that was on the discarded paper, but at the very end, I take a deep breath as I write:
"Mother. Forgive this son, but I do not agree with your wish to adopt Bai YuLan as a daughter."
