I Will Not Wait
One Lifetime is Never Enough by runexi
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What kind of normal person in their right mind would like the notion of death?

Death... is the end of everything.

I still do not understand why I am here. Why I have Mia Simmons' life memories.

Is she, me? Or am I, her?

Yet, none of that really matters now.

Mia Simmons' life ended with the plane crash. Her death was the end of her life. None of the people, and her past life-worth of joy and pain with her loved ones, matters to my life now. I can no longer see them, they can no longer see me.

She has become me, Bai YuLan; but Bai YuLan, is my own person.

My life, carrying a lifetime worth of my past - Mia's - memories, is my own.

When my father, Mia's father, died, I watched my mother crumble. I watched her try to stand. I watched her struggle as she walked on.

He was her whole existence. When he was gone, her daughters became her sole reason for her existence.

My sister and I carried that burden, because we loved her.

Death is easy.

What about the people left behind?

*** *** ***

The herbalist's nephew and his death.

The grieving pregnant wife with a child that will grow up without ever knowing the father's face.

I could not help but to be angry.

What use is your stupid hero title? What use is your name written on a golden plate on the family altar? You will no longer be there for your wife. You will no longer be there for your child.

All you will become is the wisp of smoke from the incenses they will burn for you, in front of your nameplate. All that is left of you, is dust without bones, inside a cold porcelain urn in front of your memorial plaque.

Even when your widow would tell your child in the future while facing your memorial tablet, "Pay your respect to your father." 

Or, "Your father is watching you from heaven. He loves you very much."

What empty words they were, considering you'd no longer be around. Your existence... is no more.

Did you even think when you embraced her at nights in the past? When you left the seeds of your existence in her belly? Did you even stop to think that this seed will grow up to be another person? Did you think that you are very almighty, that you are an immortal, that you will never face peril?

In all your pride as a soldier? Did you think that you would never leave them behind?

Selfish. If you were very proud about dying for your country, for your leader, for your heroic conduct --- then die!

Don't tie someone else to your existence!

All you have left behind is a home without the pillar.

And a lifetime of grief.

*** *** ***

Ji ChanFang.

For everything that is holy, old man; if this is still the twenty-first century, I would have punched you.

You have not lost a single limb. Everything that you are, is intact.

All you won't be able to have, is your swordsmanship.

Your wife and your daughter have been crying until their eyes resemble those of raccoons'.

And you kept sulking like a big baby.

Holyshit, I was about to lose my mind when I saw Ji LanBai's puffy eyes.

For them, it is enough that you are safe. That you are alive. That they can still see you.

You selfish bastard.

As a mighty General, you kept them waiting; you have been going everywhere you fancy; you strike down countless bodies.

You fought for the country, for Zhang Empire, for the Emperor.

Exactly where do Wu JianRui and Ji LanBai's names appear on your list?

Even a damn sword is ranked higher than them.

You cannot even properly take care of two women.

*** *** ***

Ji SongLi.

...

...

You see, there is just a tiny, tiny desire inside of me.

That I want to keep seeing you.

That I want to see you everyday.

That I want to see your smile everyday.

Ever since you have been persistently laying your eyes on me, I don't know when, your shadow is all my eyes have been searching for.

Seeing you safe after your long journeys have become my salvation. But I know I cannot keep feeling this way.

SongLi,

You are a General's son.

More so, now, you will be a General soon. Only a fool would think otherwise.

If what you have sung was meant for me;

I am ninety-nine-point-nine-nine-nine-percent sure it was;

That you will accompany me forever;

SongLi, how I wish I can let you do that. I wish I can do the same towards you.

Well shit, Mia Simmons, Bai YuLan, aren't you getting mushy.

But the past weeks and months are reality.

As a General and all your obligations that come with it, you will always be away from me.

And I will always be waiting.

And there is a fear; and I know it can become a reality, that even if I chose to keep waiting for you, you'd never come back. If that happened, my memories of you would be the only thing I live with.

And what difference would that kind of life be, to death itself?

--If I tied myself to someone that's no longer there?

You see, I am a selfish person.

I do not want to wait.

I do not want to want. Wanting something, wanting someone, that can never be a hundred percent belong to me. And for me only.

Screw the country and the Emperor.

SongLi,

If I stayed here longer, to see you and not to see you, waiting all the time... .

I would be miserable.

I will become someone you will hate.

I will become someone I will hate.

I am... just a human.

Hence before this tiny warmth inside my heart becomes raging fire that will destroy me, that will destroy you;

I have to go.

Mia Simmons would not wait for anyone.

Bai YuLan... will not wait for anyone.

 

-----------------------------------------------

 

WARNINGS! AUTHOR'S LONG(ISH) RAMBLINGS BELOW.

When I posted this story on Wattpad, I also put this author's note. I had been contemplating whether it's OK for me to put it here. But I decided to also put this author's note on this platform.

First of all, dear readers, if any one you or your loved ones are involved/have occupation in the military, or any kind of service for your respective countries, please be known:

I have only respect for you. None of what I have typed here is meant to demean or discourage your/ your loved ones' way of life.

This of course includes the precious lives lost in their line of duty.

There's a lot of the unspoken that I could not put into words.

You see, death is another flip side of the coin, it is the other side of the mirror.

It is as sure as birth itself.

Humans suck.

We are the only mammals on the planet that kills - because we can;

That hurt - because we can;

That create all things destructive - because we can;

That cause wars, struggles, the dark side of humanity (or whatever is left of it) - because we can.

 

Humans are amazing.

We are the only beings on the planet who love - because we are able to;

That create all things beautiful - because we are able to.

That can stand after a storm, that can offer our hands towards other people in need - because we are able to.

I know some of you are probably thinking 'Well, apes or dolphins are also as (or can be) intelligent as humans. How arrogant of you Runexi, to say that only humans are amazing.' Now of course this is true, but in all pride and privilege humans possess on Mother Earth, our race is sitting at the top of the food chain, be it because of our wisdom (or lack thereof for some), our intelligence, and our strength.  This is the context of my rambling here.

 

We all have interest and love towards fantasy/ novels/ stories about second-chances, reincarnations, rebirth, transmigration (hey, otherwise you will not be reading this novel, right?)-

After all, how enticing is the notion of being able to right the wrongs, to better the future, to choose better paths.

But you see, despite all that, we only have this one life - beyond the computer/phone/tablet you are reading this on.

And that life is so damn short.

After this short life ends, there is no more. Despite all our differences in religions or faiths in life after death, everything is the same: After death, we can no longer go back to where/when we thought we should have done something different.

Time is the only thing absolute. It will never wait for you. Every each passing second can never be rewound. Every each passing second is the last of it.

Life is short.

Humans are destructive. Humans are extraordinary.

Which end of the spectrum do you want to live your life in? Which balance do you want tip your life in?

Love hard. Care hard.

When there is hate, when you think that the whole world is against you, you don't have to forget. But try to forgive. And keep that light.

Life is too short for hate, for struggles.

You don't have to change the world.

Just be yourself, but a better you. And perhaps, you may touch other people around you to be better themselves.

The tiniest ripples, when happening constantly, can cause surging waves.

Lastly, If no one told you yet today;

I love you. Thank you for being born.

Thank you for existing.

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