You ever got stuck in a rut in your life? Felt as tho there was nowhere to go, nothing you could do to change things? Like there was no escape? Did you feel sad? Well, hows about you toughen the fuck up ya whiny bitch! Try getting stranded on a damn mountain, naked, covered in stinky griffin pleasure juice, with no food or water, surrounded by corpses and the only way down is via a sheer drop over jagged rocks. Gives you a whole new perspective on your piddly little problems, doesn’t it.

It could've been worse I guess. I could still be bleeding from the talon wounds but those had healed completely as if by magic, which on this world probably made sense. My MP had been restored to full too. I had wondered how that worked, which made a tutorial message appear. Apparently, leveling up upgrades your body thus returning it to a fresh state. The only other way to heal oneself are items and spells.

I retrieved my cosmic panty, returning it to my spatial inventory with a thought. I stepped to the edge of the plateau I was on and looked down again, hoping I could find some sort of safe path to climb. Yea, this was just not going to happen. Goddammit, what do I look like? An experienced, mountain climbing Chad?

Actually, I looked more like a skinny coke addict, which I had been in the past. Not something I was proud of. I had lived a hard life and had needed an escape. Got clean and got my life back on track to the point I could live peacefully and even travel to exotic locations like Japan. It was why I had wanted to be revived on Earth so bad. I had fought for a good life. Whatever, no use dwelling on that anymore. I can just make an ever better life for myself here instead.

There was an icon flashing in my vision. Apparently I have a bunch of unread system messages so I check them out.

Defeated 3 griffins

Received 11 000 exp

Level increase 1->7

Received 6 Level point (1 per level)

Received 12 attributes points (2 per level)

Niceeee. Not too shabby for my first crack at this here system thing. The fact that I defeated three large creatures by myself even tho I’m a city dweller with no fighting experience outside of a few bar brawls made me feel like a badass. If male machismo could be measured, mine would be over 9000 right now.

That feeling disappeared damn quick after I read the next string of messages.

Ingested orgasmic fluids from different species.

Body rejecting foreign contaminants.

Sexual deviant class reacting to body fluid.

New system possibilities discovered.

Upgrading system… Upgraded!

New skill nodes available.

Learned skill Orgasmic Fluid Forensics - (learn spells, skills, affinities and racial traits from the dna found in ingested orgasmic fluids. Ingest more and fill out dna profile to raise levels)

Learned Aero, Fly, Swipe and Enhanced Sight (passive) from lv 22 Griffin

Gained Air magic affinity. Air magic cast power and resistance increased by 1%.

Earned the title Cross-species fluid taster. -50 charisma

OH, HELL NO. I launched into a 15 minute tirade, shouting and cursing at the sky, hoping the system heard me. If I ever find out that there’s a system administrator behind all this, I’ll give that cunt the ass whooping of a lifetime.

This was so messed up. Heck, was this technically considered bestiality? I don't want to be associated with those people. …Fuck my life.

After simmering down some, I opened the inventory to check the other 2 items I had received. I took out the stacks of paper. The first paper was a note from Lace Papa.

“Hey bro,

If your seeing this it means you survived. Good job. I had to drop you in a high level area both to test you and also because there’s something you need to get which is found around here. I’ve left you a stack of patterns used to craft magical panties using resources from this world, mainly gotten from monsters. The sewing machine is also magical and needed to make them. You need to get webs from the psychic, aether spinning spider clan so you can make a pair of communication panties. We'll be able to talk to each other when you do and I can help out more. I am connected to all panties in the universe, but it’s only the psychic link created by this particular pair that will allow you to hear and speak to me. They live in a forest south of your current location. Git her done lad.

P.s. I went ahead and pre-selected your class, hope you don’t mind ;)

P.p.s. How do you like the g-string? Pretty sweet, ain’t it. One of my most prized possession in my collection. Take good care of it, I’ll want that back when you’re dead.

Your Pal, Lace Papa.”

I looked through the patterns. Panties of various designs and colors, all of them built out of some weird items. One was made out of Quicksilver Camel pelts, another made from poisonous Treant leaves, and much more. On the back of each paper was a list of things needed to make them, scribblings on were to find some of it in the world and directions on how to actually craft them.

Got to admit, as nuts as all of this was, and as uncomfortable it made me, it was nice to have a goal. One thing I learned in my substance abuse recovery meetings is that the road to recovery is one step at a time. Much like this adventure I suppose.

I put the patterns back in my inventory. I didn’t see any “get off a mountain” panty build so I still had to deal with my current problem. The only solution I found was the fly spell but there was a hiccup. It cost 75MP for a ten second duration. I only had enough mp for one cast and it didn’t last long enough. I’d stop flying halfway down the mountain, then I’d just be falling. Can’t just jump off and activate it further down either as there’s jagged rocks protruding from the mountain everywhere. I’d hit something sooner then later.

I spent an hour trying to come up with another way but I had nothing. My stomach was rumbling, I was famished. Man, I could go for a large pizza, or a cheeseburger or…

I suddenly remembered that nasty, fluid forensics skill’s description. Spells can be leveled up the more fluids you ingest.

I walked over to where the female griffin had gushed out earlier. Some of it had evaporated but there was still some soaking the ground. Maybe it could power up my fly skill? I was going to die here if I didn’t do anything drastic so might as well try.

I didn't have any cloths or containers handy so the only way I found to get the liquid was to rub the cosmic panties on the area till it absorbed some of it. I wimped out as I was about to wring it over my mouth.

I paced back and forth, muttering to myself like a crazy person, then lashed out.

“WHY… DO… I… HAVE… TO… DO… THIS… FUCKKKK” I said, punctuating each word with a kick to the nearest griffin corpse. In the middle of taking my anger out on it, I realized that it had a faint glow that I hadn’t noticed before. When I put my hand on it, I received a message.

Loot available: griffin feather x 10, large talon x 2.

Interesting. There was a “loot all” option so I used it. The items appeared in my inventory, same items stacking in one space. A note below their descriptions said they could be sold to the system for cash. I do like money. Did the same thing with the other bodies and ended up with 30 feathers and 6 talons.

As for the fluids, I managed to talk myself into just going for it, twisting the panty until the liquid dripped in my mouth. It wasn’t as bad as I’d previously thought. Don’t get me wrong, it still sucked and the juices tasted like death but I learned that I didn’t actually have to swallow the stuff. The second it touched my tongue, it dissipated, absorbed by the skill and adding exp to spells and affinities. Not much of a silver lining but I’ll take it.

After repeating the process a few more times, I was able to level up all griffin related skills to level 2. Fly now cost 70 mp and lasted 20 seconds. Still tight but I think I could deal with it. With nothing else to do here, I activated the fly spell and jumped off the mountain.

20 seconds was not long enough to get me to the bottom safely. Damn spell winked out when I was still a few dozen feet in the air. I hit the ground hard and tumbled down for a while before I slid to a stop in a bloody, panting heap. Half my hp was gone and I think something was broken but hey, I was off the mountain. Yea for small victories.