First, let me preface this by saying I am not a god of Chaos. (That’s a fun word though, isn’t it? Preface. Preh-fah-se.)

I am Novus, god of Interesting things. And my current focus is on Tess. Let me tell you, this woman is a straight-up badass.

I caught wind of her one day while scanning the multiverse for something new to watch. At first, she didn’t look like much, but it was interesting to see this five foot nine inches slip of a woman attempt to start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. She got the fire working, too.

Sure, her sleeve caught fire in the process but that’s not the point.

No, the point is that Tess saw her sleeve was on fire, calmly placed it on the ground, and snuffed it out with a quick application of dirt while everyone around her panicked. And that was only her first foray into badassery.

See, Tess grew up in that conservative Christian upbringing that was one step away from the Amish faith. Her parents shunned most modern technologies and had that whole mindset that women and men had separate places in life. Tess grew up thinking that her lot in life was to find the right man, have kids, and raise them right. It was why she went to college for education. That way when she had to teach her kids she had some background knowledge.

Yeah, that didn’t stick. The college had this thing where everyone had to take one capstone course each year. To teach them something but I’m not sure what. Tess’s first class was a survival camp. Yes, the same camp where she burnt her sleeve.

I forget exactly what the class was supposed to be about (something about early nomadic life maybe? I don’t know the teacher leading it had one of those voices that put people to sleep) but Tess learned a lot about herself in that class. Mainly, that she liked the outdoors.

Suddenly, she couldn’t stomach the thought of home life and changed her entire major to study forestry. Her parents weren’t happy of course, but she learned to mollify them by saying God called her to do it. (He very well could have too. I know I was cheering when she decided to switch majors.)

Graduation came and went—which I skipped in favor of watching a nature documentary by some guy with a buttery-smooth voice—and Tess left with a new degree and a new career as a forest ranger.

Boy, did she get up to some stuff.

It turns out that people are kind of idiots when it comes to nature, and Tess was more often than not called to search for some idiot who got themselves lost in the mountains. Being a natural at survivalism, Tess tended to quickly find people.

And animals. Lots of dangerous animals.

She punched a mountain lion more than once on her searches. Sure, she had sprayed the animal with bear spray beforehand, but it still counts!

At one point I had hoped to see her take on a bear, but alas it was not to be!

It happened like this:

I was watching Tess hike across the trails one day, searching for this group of teenagers that decided they were going to be the next Bear Grylls. The group had left most of their equipment behind and were attempting to ‘live off the land.’ Yeah, that didn’t work out.

The second day into their trip, one of the teenagers arrives ahead of all their friends and tells the rangers that everyone separated after an argument. Tess sighed when she got the call but made her way onto the trails with the other searchers.

It was well into the evening when Tess came face to face with the largest mountain lion she’d ever seen. This one was nearly reached her chest in size and had teeth like razors. I almost thought a saber-toothed tiger had spontaneously come back to life.

Tess, ever the badass, stayed calm. She did everything she was supposed to. She backed up slowly and tried to show she wasn’t a threat.

That lion was having none of it. This mean creature wanted blood, and thought Tess’s looked mighty tasty.

It lunged forward, their snarl echoing across the mountains. I leaned forward in my seat, wishing that I had a bag of popcorn near me, because Tess was about to unload a can of Whoop-Ass on this unsuspecting menace.

Tess roared right back, grabbing her bear spray and standing as wide as she could. The lion stayed on course, leaping to bite down on Tess’s unprotected neck. The woman skittered to the side, unleashing the can of bear spray right into the lion’s mouth!

The mountain lion sputtered and flailed as the spray did its work. Tess stowed the bear spray and calmly walked to the lion, keeping her hands up and her stance wide. The lion didn’t back down. Even with a can of bear spray this bulky creature refused to give up. It attacked again, the large paw carving an arc through the air.

Tess stepped backward, avoiding the paw. She then reared a foot back and swung with all her might. Her sturdy hiking boots connected right with the lion’s jaw, resulting in an audible crack!

I winced, imagining how much pain that lion had to be in.

Tess wasn’t done, though. Once her foot touched the ground the woman pivoted, sending her other foot on a spinning path toward the lion. I watched in awe as the other hiking boot made a dent in the lion’s face.

The animal flew off the trail, landing in a sprawl on a shrubbery below. While I cheered, Tess centered herself, letting the adrenaline of the moment wear off.

Then, the ground cracked underneath her.

She blinked. I blinked. The ground blinked out of existence as a landslide brought Tess sliding down the mountain.

“What!” I shouted. “Are you telling me she beats the biggest lion I’ve ever seen and dies to a mountain slide?!”

Well, that just wasn’t fair at all. Tess couldn’t go out like that, not in a million years. No, she needed at least fifty more years of badassery! Maybe even a hundred with how the technology was advancing.

No, I wasn’t done watching Tess and her exciting adventures. Luckily, I’m a god.

Now, you genre-savvy people know where this is going. Person A dies, God A brings them to a new world of their creation. Person A becomes super powerful and a total threat to the world.

We all know the plot.

That’s why I gotta make this interesting. (Or else I wouldn’t be me, you know?)

Before those stupid rocks crushed Tess underfoot, I whisked her away, portaling her to a new world. And before you ask, no, I didn’t create this world. Heck, I don’t even know if the people there know I exist?

I do know there’s orcs there, though. And some genie-type race. Oh, and tieflings, because I’m a sucker for those rainbow-skinned devils. (Don’t judge, everyone has a kink.)

Tess is going to land somewhere in a forest, probably near the Genasi (or is it Jenasi?)

And because I’m, well, me. I gotta make sure the boon she gets is interesting.

One of your Earth games should do it.

I wonder if Tess has played any GACHA games?