The one thing you that you need to know about Lucifer is the fact that he (or she?) has been my therapist since 150 A.D.

For a lot of people, 1900 years is a long time to know a divine existence, but for immortals and gods this is merely a speck of time in the cosmos.

Cain, for example, has known the Father since almost the beginning of creation. That’s hundreds of millions of years (yes, I said millions, I’ll explain at another time). Yet, despite Cain having been under employment for that long, he’s still clueless on what to expect. That being said, things are made harder for someone like me who’s only known the being for much much less than that.

“So what you mean to tell me Matt is that the child in the cradle over there is your niece?” Lucifer looked at me bewildered.

 

That’s right. I lied to Lucifer. The irony isn’t it? Lying to the Master of Deception.

 

“Yes that’s right. Err, well technically my sister-in-law’s cousin’s nephew’s cousin’s wife’s daughter.”

Lucifer walked over to the couch and looked me straight in the eyes.

“Hmmm, cut the bullshit Matt.”

“Fuck, I thought I could fool you.”

“Matathias, who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?”

“The Prince-ess of Darkness?”

“For crying out loud Matt, you don’t even know my title. It’s Queen of Darkness right now.”

“Wait, like no joke?”

“Well since the Father identifies as a masculine deity, I have to be the interpretive opposite, so I’m identified as a feminine deity. It doesn’t really mean much, but if you prefer a non-binary title for me just call me Doctor.”

“Ok I get it, I get it, it doesn’t matter.”

“Great well, on to the more important matter at hand, then.” As she said that, a helix of matter formed on queue (dramatic as always).

“Who is that child? And why are you lying to me?”

 

Dejected and defeated, I responded, “It’s the Father.”

“The Father?”

“Yes, the Father.”

“The Father...THE FATHER??”

“Yes. It’s Jesus.”

Lucifer looked back and forth from me and Jess in the cradle.

“But, but, but…”

I tensed up. I began to realize maybe calling my therapist first wasn’t exactly the right call. I also began to think about other “not exactly right calls” like a moment in 1492 A.D. when I accidentally encouraged a horrible man to sail across the ocean blue. 

“Luci, I can explain-”

“WHY IS IT A BABY GIRL?!” Lucifer exclaimed with no care for waking the child.

Jess heard the noise, and opened her eyes. Thankfully, she didn’t cry, but she began to make baby noises to indicate she was awake.

 

“Blap, blaap, yibleepbla.”

 

Once again, I sighed. I finally understood that this was a mistake and I should probably take the child back to my home.

I began, “The Father sent me a message again, and he sent this baby Jess to me to take care of until she’s ready to be the messiah again.”

I paused. I looked at Lucifer who was still intently staring at Jess, and ironically Jess was completely unshaken while Lucifer was at the brink of tears. 

Regardless, I continued, “This is my last job. After this I’m free to end my contract.”

 

Lucifer turned her head to look at me. It appeared she didn’t hear my statement and her eyes seemed to fixate on the question she previously posited. As a result, I said,

“I don’t know why the Father sent his daughter this time. I know this is Jesus, since he’s no longer appearing on PrayChat, but I truly don’t know what’s going on.”

“Can I hold her?”

“What?”

“You heard me, can I hold her?”

“Luci...please be careful-” Before I could finish, Lucifer was already cradling the child in her arms.

Jess was unabated by the sudden lift, but was curiously staring into Lucifer’s eyes. Normally, I would advise against any mortal from looking into the eyes of a deity for too long, but this was the Father and Jesus incarnate herself.

“Such a cute child…I want one.”

“Lucifer, are you sure about that?”

“THE FATHER PROMISED.”

“Ok that’s fair, but aren’t you a little too late to do something?”

“Buzz off Matt, I’m going to- Uh Matt why does she have a tail?” Lucifer stopped herself and was extremely puzzled by the realization as she felt something soft curly around her arm. The tail was like that of a monkey’s with brown fur (I was getting suspicious that the Father had done something seriously wrong this time).

“Yeah so here’s the thing. Uh Jess is an alien?” I was really tired at this point, I just wanted to go to bed and hope that this was all a dream.

“Uh excuse me?”

“Yes, an alien.”

“Like from a different country?”

“No like from a different planet more like.”

Lucifer’s eyes went wide and it looked like something in her mind clicked. I couldn’t really figure it out, but I guess even the divine have some things they don’t know about.

“Liar!!! LIAR!!!!!”

“Uh Lucifer what are you going on about?”

“That goddamn Father!!! He did this so I wouldn’t know until it was too late!”

I was really confused at this point, I’m only immortal, it’s not like I’m a deity or something.

“I’m really not going to inquire anymore because I don’t want to be sucked into this family matter, but I think I’m now too tired to vent, so I’m just going to go home.”

Lucifer was fuming, but she still held Jess up gently. Unsurprisingly, Jess was just staring at Lucifer, it was evident that she still had subconscious sentiments lingering after having just reincarnated.

 

Paying no mind to the child, Luci began muttering under her breath, “I’ll show him...I’ll teach him for deceiving me.”

 

I was afraid that Lucifer might be going mad, so I stood up and gently took Jess away from her arms.

"Uh I think I’m going to go now."

As I started to leave the office of Lucifer, Lucifer paid me no mind as she ran to her desk and began furiously shaking a rosary. I knew that she was about to give the Father a very angry piece of her mind.

Once I exited the door, the scenery immediately changed and I was back in the middle of the grapevine where I started.

PrayChat was still open, so I grab the beads from the air and made the sign of the cross. 

 

See you again Matathias!

 

I wasn’t sure how long I spent inside that office, so I looked around and saw that the sun was beginning to rise. It’s hard to tell how much time passes while you’re in Hell, so I guess I was with with Luci for about 6 hours?

For those of you curious when I said Hell, yes that was Hell. Despite the appearance of a psychologist’s office, that was undoubtedly the place where souls are supposedly suffering for all eternity.

But it’s not quite the same fiery pits of Dante’s 9 circles of Hell, rather than that, it’s closer to being a 9 story campus. Incidentally, 6 is Lucifer’s favorite number, but years ago the Father told her that adding 3 more stories for a better view wouldn’t be too bad of an idea. 

It was pure coincidence (though I would argue that the Father works in mysterious ways) that Dante had been able to guess the number of circles (stories). 

 

Anyways, I looked down and Jess was still staring at me with her pink irises.

Ok wait what. 

I turned over the child to take a look.

Pink irises. 

Monkey tail.

 

What the hell have you gotten me into Yahweh?