Why? Why is she not here? Did I mess up in the ritual? No, I definitely did not, I’m sure the summoning circle is functioning properly… Did she get embarrassed by my chant and decided to not come?

... Or did something happen to her? No, that’s impossible, the plane of fire is a lot safer than the material realm, Iris told me that directly, she wouldn’t lie to me. I was the one that did the lying… I’m sorry.

Then, maybe… Is she mad? I did chase her away while we were inside the dream, I chose her copy instead of her actual self… Oh, dear gods, she’s totally mad at me. What do I do? I need to apologize, I need to beg for her forgiveness… But how can I apologize if she doesn’t answer my summon!?

I’ll try again, maybe she’ll come if she notices I’m serious at this, that I really do wish to have her by my side, that I love her above all else.

Nothing worked. I tried to make different chants, tried to apologize while within the summoning process, tried to make a different summoning circle… No matter what I tried, Iris would not come. And with each attempt I made, my body started aching more. This doesn’t look good, I’m hurting myself for her sake, she was never happy when I did this, she’d want me to rest and not overdo it…

But how can I rest without Iris!? How can my love reach her if I don’t have her by my side!? I’m really sorry, I’m sorry for not realizing you were the one that stayed my life with me, I’m sorry for being stupid and giving up on you for the sake of a life within a dream… I’m sorry, please come back…

I said those words, and many others while I tried to summon her, even while I knew this would only wound me more, I had to keep trying… Otherwise, how could I meet Iris again? How could I declare my love if she wasn’t here to hear it?

At some point I collapsed, I originally thought I had taken a nap, but when I looked outside, it was already night. My body ached all over and it was hard to move, there was some blood on the floor, so I probably coughed it up while I slept… Or was it when I was still drawing sigils in the floor? I’m not sure, my memory is fuzzy… I should try some more though, a few internal wounds are nothing if I can show Iris that I care for her.

Just as I was about to start though, my stomach rumbled… I suppose I should eat before continuing, I’ve got to replenish some energy at least. I left my room and ate, in the meantime, Shaina reminded me that tomorrow was the last free day for my stay and that I should be sure to pay up afterwards… I had forgotten about that, I need to find a new job.

I’ll do that later, Iris comes first. Besides, I doubt I’ll be able to find any job in the capital after failing the king, so I’ll probably need to move away anyways. So much for being a heroine… It can’t be helped, at least I helped those people out, so I can go away with a clean mind.

Or I would, if Iris was by my side… I need you, Iris, please answer my summons tonight. I beg you…

It didn’t work. I had run out of ideas for new circles and for chants, so I just said my honest feelings to her; how much I loved her; about how sorry I was that I chose the dream over her; that I was a fool for not realizing the real Iris was in front of me while I protected a dream copy of her; and how I wished to be with her over anything else; how I’d do anything she wanted if it meant we could be together again. I lost count of how many times I said each of those things.

However, she refused each and every summon. I wonder if the Fire God is mad at me for making this many attempts already… I don’t know what I’d do if he forbid me from summoning Iris again, but what’s the difference if I can’t have Iris anyways!? I need Iris, I can’t afford to stop!

Yet my body refused to hear me, when I tried to make the next circle, my shaking hands didn’t get to draw it properly, it could barely resemble what I usually made to connect our planes. I tried pouring my mana over it anyways, but the poorly made portal did not work properly… Instead of taking Iris to me, it took the flames of her plane.

They came at once, flying towards me and burning my flesh, the pain numbed my mind and I could only roll through the ground to erase them because my body was already habituated to the movement… It hurts, Iris, the gifts from your plane hurt. Why couldn’t it be you instead? I wouldn’t mind being wounded if it meant you’d be here with me, I’ve never minded it… And I hurt you because of it, I’m sorry.

It took longer than usual, but the flames eventually faded out. I wanted to try summoning one more time, but I had no strength to get up… I could only cry. Cry while thinking of Iris, of how much I wanted to apologize, of how much I wanted to show my love for her… Of how much I wanted Iris to let me love her again.

My consciousness started fading, I realized what was happening, but I didn’t resist it. My body couldn’t move anymore, and everything was aching… If I slept, I’d at least evade the pain. And maybe, I’d flee from my loneliness a bit, even if only a small bit…

Something was unusual. I was no longer in my inn’s room, I was in front of Nyllia’s Mage’s Tower. I shouldn’t be here, we were so far from this accursed place.

A carriage passed right through me, as if my body was ethereal, as if I wasn’t here… As if this was a dream.

No, not as if. This is a dream, but how am I so sure of it? I have never been conscious of my nightmares before, so why am I this certain this is not real? Is it a side effect of staying years in this realm?

The carriage stopped and its door opened, a smaller version of myself came out of it. The younger me was clearly scared by this point, an unknown place, near unknown people… Of course I was, what child wouldn’t be?

… Well, the nobles in this tower had never shown any sign of fear, so maybe I was the weird one; or maybe they never had to worry because of their aides that flooded this place. It doesn’t matter, it’s all in the past anyways, why am I dreaming of this time? The nightmares usually covered different moments of my life.

The child me was dragged inside, she tried resisting, but she couldn’t compete with an adult man’s strength. She tried burning him, but he threw a huge amount of water back at her and completely erased her tiny fireball, with the rest of the water hitting my younger self’s face… I had forgotten this one, I entered this tower drenched and it took so long for them to let me dry myself, that I woke up the next day with a big fever… Such a nice way to welcome a new student they had.

The scenery changed to a courtyard, the young me was actually smiling while eagerly looking at the surroundings, even though everyone else was snickering at her… I remember this, I was happy to see the new environment and joyous at wearing some new clothes that were fancier than anything I had ever seen before, I felt as if I was… Special. Yes, that’s what I felt, maybe mom hadn’t sold me off to become a slave, I wasn’t even wearing any chains after all. Maybe I was special and was going to be a noble now, I was recognized as someone so special that my status would have been raised above.

… Seems like I have always been an idiot, no wonder I never relived those days. They might have not been traumatic, but were definitely a way to show me that we shouldn’t live in a dream and had to accept reality as it was… I wonder if that’s why I’m seeing it now, to remember this lesson I had already forgotten.

While the young me skipped around, the surroundings changed again. And now there was a lot of people surrounding her, she was holding a thick book and there was a professor telling her something. His words were distorted though, so I couldn’t comprehend what he said.

Yet I already knew them, there was only one thing he could have asked of her… He asked her to read. It was the first time I was laughed at that I couldn’t fight back against. The first time I was shamed for something I had no control over, that I never had any opportunity to learn in the first place… And the first, of many, that I felt incredibly lonely within this place.

The scene changed once more, we were at an open field. In this place, I vividly remember trying to think of different ways of running away, of going back home… And of the beating I took the first time I attempted it, which stopped me from trying again. It was almost funny that the noble children wondered why I was afraid of the towers’ guards, if I didn’t remember how scared I was of those men, maybe I’d actually laugh at all this.

While my younger self wondered if there was a way to sneak away, the other students were, one at a time, making different magic circles in the ground. They used those to summon different kinds of magical beasts, and then the teacher praised them for summoning such amazing servants in their first attempts… Servants, I had forgotten about this disgusting word, they called Iris that… Over and over again they said it, I wonder how many times I wish I could just shut them up. Though I could never do it, my meager fireballs were always erased by the gushes of water; or thrown back at me by their gusts of wind… And then they laughed at me while I rolled on the ground to extinguish the flames, just what was funny in that? Those kids were crazy.

Ah, it was my younger self’s turn now. Back then I had no clue on how to make a summoning circle, so I just modified the design made by the child that came before me until I felt it was cute, put my mana into it and prayed for the best… And who came out of it, was none other than Iris. A beautiful fairy that looked the exact same now as she looked back then. The young me was certainly happy with who came out of the circle, even if the people surrounding us were laughing at how weak my ‘servant’ was.

I slowly approached the two, the young me was hugging the newly summoned Iris and chatting with her non-stop, she didn’t even realize she was being burnt by Iris’ body yet. Meanwhile Iris was struggling and complaining about being hugged too tight by this weird child that summoned her… She has always been so cute! Although it’s funny to think she didn’t handle the young me well, as she’s had me in the palm of her hand for a long time now.

As I reached them, I tried touching Iris for a bit. I knew it was just a dream, but I wanted to touch her, I wanted her to acknowledge me, to realize I was here… But my hand went through her tiny body. Of course it did, this is a dream, and I’m an outsider to my own dream… I wonder why this is happening; this stinks.

The scenery changed again, we were now inside my room and Iris was watching me bathe from afar, I remember wanting her to join me, but she was absolutely against getting close to water, so I just insisted she stayed near as we talked… Looking back on it, the young me should have had a bit more shame and never made this request... Or maybe not, it was because of this kind of thing she didn’t seen to mind too much when I started to ask we slept together. Besides, seeing Iris’ embarrassed face is always cute, so I can thank the young me for that.

Next, different scenes started flashing by one after the other, Iris teaching me how to make my spells better, how to properly control my mana flow, explaining me some basics of glyphs after the one summon per week limit was established, on how proud she looked at me when the teachers were impressed at some spells I made… And it showed how uncomfortable she felt when Rose started approaching me, kissing me, and bringing me to her room… Dear gods, why hadn’t I noticed it back then? Why can I see it in the dream, but couldn’t see when I was right next to her?

Is this what she means when she said she loved me? From this early on? But she kept refusing me, she said she couldn’t love me… That she could not substitute my previous lover, that she was not Rose… I wonder if she’d have accepted my feelings if I had realized them before I got my virginity taken away… Why was I such a fool? Why am I such a fool?

The scene changed once more, this time the young me was flying through the courtyard, testing my broom out. It was unstable, she steered the broom slightly wrong and its tip hit the ground, which made her lose control and get thrown off it. She fell right in the middle of the bystanders, and they laughed, laughed at her pitiable sight, all dirtied over after a failed flight attempt.

The young me looked for help, for some support, for some relief… But nobody offered it. Even Rose and her Fiancé were laughing, the one human I thought I could trust in back then had broken the last bit of trust I had… I have to wonder why I didn’t give up on her even after I found out she had a fiancé, it seems like I really have always been an idiot.

However, among all those hideous people, there was one speck of light. Iris. Iris flew next to my younger self and offered her tiny hand. She helped the little me get up, gave moral encouragement, and tutored me on what I had to do to make the enchantment work next time… She was the only one that had not given up on me, the only one that had always been there for me and that genuinely wanted my best.

And yet, after all that, after she helped me so much… I was the one the give up on her, when she refused to give up on me, when she went all the way to the dream realm for me… I let her go. I pushed her away… I made the one being that I loved the most, the one who had always been by my side, turn her back on me…

I started crying, I cried while the young me grasped her hand and started working on a new broom to enchant, to fly properly throughout the skies, to see this world from Iris’ perspective.

If only I wasn’t such a fool… What can I do now to make up to you, Iris? You always came here for me, you stayed by my side and endured the pain caused by your own feelings while I only hurt you time and time again… I’m so sorry.

The scene changed again, to my room within the tower. We were both next to it, my bag was over one of my shoulders and Iris was in the other… I see, this is the day I left, the day I flew over the walls and reobtained my freedom… I wonder what would have happened if I had stayed there, maybe I was just going to become a servant to some noble; maybe I’d just spend the rest of my days rotting there; or maybe they were actually raising commoners’ magical potential for the sake of becoming a warring tool.

I don’t know. I’ll never know, because I escaped. I took my fate into my own hands and no longer allowed it to be dictated by their whims, I ran away with Iris towards my new life with her.

And yet, what am I doing now? Begging her for help again, just like I did when I first summoned her and wanted to learn more about magic… I’ve regressed to being a desperate child that cannot survive without Iris.

Or rather, have I ever been able to survive without her? Even when I thought I had Rose with me, it was still Iris that I relied upon to grow; to take care of me; and to comfort me in times of pain… I need Iris, I need her above all else.

While I thought of it, the two of them flew away in the broom, quickly getting farther and farther from me… And I was here, still locked in this tower, as they quickly got out of reach, I stared at their backs that got smaller by the second… I see. It’s this simple, isn’t it?

I just need to fly away too, fly to where Iris is. She has always rescued me on her own, it’s about time I at least went after her to be rescued, isn’t it?

I wonder if it’s a nice place… The fire realm must be pretty… I mean, Iris came from it, so it has to be, right?

In that case, I should waste no more time sleeping.