High pitched shrieks and shouts shook the large cavern. It sounded like the entire goblin camp was stampeding up the slope towards me. Somehow, despite the loud roar, I heard Reginald running in his heavy armour.

“Petra, where are you? Has a goblin attacked you?” he shouted.

If I could have moved my arms, I would have slapped my head in disgust. He still thought I was a helpless victim. If he ran away now, he could probably slip away or get to a place where he'd have a chance of holding them off. But if he was going to go looking for the innocent 'maiden' to save, he was a dead man. Biting my lip I silently willed the idiot to start running.

“PETRA! COME OUT I SHALL SAVE YOU!”

Groaning, I hit my head against the solid rock. “Idiot!” Thud. “Moron!” Thud. “Suicidal jerk!” Thud.

Before I beat a hole in the wall, or cracked my skull open, the cavern was filled with the sounds of combat. Spells flared, turning the cave from a dim twilight to as bright as day. Goblins shrieked in pain as they died, and Reginald bellowed. All I could do was pray to all the gods and demons that my hiding spot would remain a hiding spot and didn't become a convenient death trap. From the cries of pain at least Reginald seemed to be doing a good job of killing the little monsters. Now if only he would lead them away from me.

Slowly but surely the big hero did start retreating. The screams and shouts became softer and even the clanging of weapons seemed to have gone around a corner. Cautiously I crept out of my hiding place trying to ignore the blood, body parts and most of all the stench of goblins, as I made my way back to the cliff overlooking the camp.

I took a moment to get an idea of what I was about to get into. The trash filled paths were mostly deserted. A few goblin children wandered around snarling and snapping at each other, while some goblin women did chores, it looked like the way to the golden idol was clear. I looked over my shoulder where Reginald was shouting curses at the goblins, but there really wasn't much for me to do. I could handle a few goblins, not the whole camp.

Pushing the hem of my nightgown between my knees, I slid down the steep cliff on my butt. Using my oversized goblin shoes to keep me from going too fast, while my hands got scratched up helping me stay sitting up and in control. Reaching the bottom safely, I got to my feet and rubbed my sore butt, only to realize I didn't really have a backside for my nightgown anymore. My cheeks heated up at that bit of knowledge. At least my underwear was still reasonably OK.

Ignoring the fear gnawing at my belly, I jogged into the village and promptly fell to my knees gagging and vomiting at the smell. The garbage roiled, much like my stomach, as bugs and vermin chewed and burrowed through it, releasing a stench similar to liquefied chicken stored in the sun for a year, mixed with a bag of sweaty gym clothes, and several hundred skunks.

Ripping off my sleeve, I wrapped it around my face, tying the ends together to help cut the stench. Making my way through the twisting paths, I waved my club at a few of the children who came too close. They threw filthy mud at me, which felt greasy and burned slightly as it clung to me like glue. Yelling and charging a couple of steps had them fleeing in terror.

Soon enough I made it to the golden idol. It was a cup with some green flame shooting out the top, sitting on a large obsidian pedestal. There were pitch black steps leading up to the cup, and I'd have to step on it to get the prize. I was just about to put my foot on the first step, only to stop at the last second. It couldn't be this easy.

Looking around, I saw a big beetle as large as my hand crawling on the rocks. I carefully flicked it onto the black metal pedestal with my toe, where it let out a squeak, while smoke rose from its convulsing body, then it shrank into a pea size ball, before exploding like tiny fireworks. All in all, it looked extremely painful.

Circling the pedestal, I didn't see any buttons, cracks, strings, runes, convenient carvings, or anything except pitch black metal.

“OK, this can't be too hard, Petra,” I said. “They can't kill everyone before class begins.”

It was a simple problem, don't touch the pedestal. What was the simple solution?

I went to a wretched house and grabbed a stick from the refuse pile. Going back to the pedestal, I threw it at the gold goblet knocking it off its perch and causing it to roll onto the safe stone floor.

Smiling at my success, I heard the sounds of battle again. Reginald was probably trying to reach the village in hopes of finding me.

“That's not my problem,” I told myself.

Finding another bug, I placed it on the cup. The bug didn't die, it just looked up at me, shook its wings angrily and crawled back into the garbage. Feeling pretty smart, I picked up the cup.

Just picking it up didn't do anything. Flipping it around the flame stayed lit and pointing straight up and down. Not wanting to risk my life, I grabbed another bug and dropped it into the flame. It popped out of existence as soon as it touched the greenish light. So that was my ticket home.

All I had to do was touch the flame.

Yep, just put my finger in it and I'd be home free.

Well as home free as you can be when your school is trying to kill you.

Nothing else to do but touch the flame.

“Dragon Spit!” I swore. “I'm an idiot!”

Keeping a firm hold of the goblet, I jogged towards the fighting, I had to save the heroic idiot.

**

Somehow Reginald was still alive.

His armour was dented and no longer shiny, he was limping and his shield was sagging, but the meat shield was still standing and swinging.

Unfortunately, because fate decided my life needed to be interesting, there were still a whole lot of goblins around him. They were staying out of reach of his sword, poking at him with spears and throwing rocks at him, trying to wear him down. While none of them were looking at me, if I tried to push through them, I'd be swarmed and killed.

I could still leave him. He did want to kill me after all.

But he had saved me, and I didn't want to kill anyone. Well if it was Micheal in there I'd be clapping and eating some popcorn. But other than that little freak, I didn't want to kill anyone or have them die because of me.

I couldn't break through the goblins, there were too many. I couldn't throw Reginald the goblet, if I did I'd be dead about five seconds later. But maybe I could distract them long enough for Reginald the Moron to get to me.

“I'm going to die.”

Straightening my back, I cleared my throat, and did the stupidest thing I could have done. I stepped out into the open with the goblet held high.

“I COMMAND YOU ALL TO HALT! OR FACE MY WRATH!” I shouted.

The goblins paused, turning to look at me with their beady black eyes. I guessed I had maybe ten seconds to think of something clever before they charged.

Unfortunately I was wrong, it took them three seconds to shout in rage and charge at me as a mob.

Screaming I shoved the goblet in front of me as I bravely wet myself.

The first goblin to touch it vanished. That made the nearest goblins slide to a stop, which let me jab them with the goblet flame. The rest of them came up and started circling me, showing surprising tactics for creatures with brains the size of a peanut. As soon as they got around my back I was dead.

And then Reginald got his big hero moment.

He was charging like a rhino through the goblins, using his shield to bash them out of the way. “Petra! Never fear fair maiden I shall save you!”

Maybe I should have let him die.

He skidded to a stop in front of me, sword at the ready. Before he could say anything else annoying, I wrapped my arm around him and jabbed the flame into my stomach.

There was the sensation of falling, then we were both in a large room looking up at Master Grieve, Lady Plague and Bob the subterfuge teacher. The teachers were looking at us with amused expressions, at least I think Master Grieve was amused, it was hard to tell with his helmet on.

“Very good, Petra! Superb use of an unknowing dupe to succeed,” Bob said.

Reginald shook himself from my hold and pointed his sword at the teachers. Seeing this I backed away to avoid getting caught up in his imminent death.

“I know you two, you're evil villains! Why are we here?” the suicidal white knight demanded.

“You're at Doom Valley Prep, because Petra saved your life,” Master Grieve said. “We're not sure why she saved you, but she did.”

Turning on me, Reginald looked incensed. “You were the villain I was competing against?!”

“Well... kind of,” I said, looking at my feet.

He starting to come closer with his very sharp sword. “So your helplessness and flirtatious ways were all part of your plan to corrupt me!”

“FLIRTATIOUS!” I shouted, anger overcoming common sense. “I didn't flirt with you at all. You wouldn't shut up long enough for me to even try! And I saved your life.”

“All part of your plot to bring darkness into my family line!”

“I didn't even know who you were until you talked about your stinking family for six hours! I just wanted to get out alive and you were too stupid to realize who I was,” I shouted back. “And there's no way I'd flirt with you or try to get into your family line. GROSS!”

Reginald lunged at me, ready to put the sword through my chest. It was so fast I couldn't possibly do anything to save myself. Fortunately for my continued existence, Master Grieve somehow moved over ten feet in less than a second. His massive, bare hand closed on the magical sword and with a tiny twitch of his fingers the blade snapped in half. Just as quickly, he picked up Reginald by his neck and lifted him up so his helmet was scraping the ceiling.

“You failed the test, boy,” Sir Grieve growled. “Be glad you survived. If you wish get your vengeance, you will have to wait until the Winter Banquet or when we put you together for another test. Is that clear?”

It seemed that Reginald did have some brains after all, as he croaked in agreement.

Sir Grieve seemed satisfied. “Good. Now return to your school, your teachers are not very happy with you.”

With that Lady Plague waved a finger and Reginald disappeared.

“So, I passed?” I squeaked as I was once again the center of attention.

“Yes,” Lady Plague said. “It was amusing to watch.”

“Great,” I said. I really wanted to let them know what I thought of them being amused by my near death, but seeing how quickly they had dealt with the white knight, I decided I enjoyed living too much and silence was best.

Bob came up, to pat me on the back, while leading me to the door. “You did superbly, I can't wait to see how you do in my class. Now go get cleaned up, there is a meal waiting for you back in your room.”

“Oh good, I'm starving,” I said, stepping into the hallway. My now favourite teacher gave me a nod and  closed the door, which promptly disappeared.

Looking around I realized I had no idea where I was. “Um, hello?! Is anyone there? How do I get back to my dormitory?” I asked.

Silence answered me.

“I hate this school,” I muttered as I chose a direction at random.

**

School of Righteousness and Light

Reginald sat in front of his teachers, his head hanging low.

“Would you care to explain what you did wrong?” the headmistress asked, her feathery wings held tight to her body.

“It was all that girl Petra's fault,” he growled. “I shall be avenged!”