“You sure you got everything?” Sarah’s mom asked for the tenth time.

“Mom, yes, it’s fine!” Sarah said. “I’m not even planning to stay with you for that long. Worst case scenario if I forget a toothbrush or something is just buying a new one at CVS or whatever.”

“But you did pack a toothbrush, right?”

Sarah resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Yes, mom.”

“And everything’s in the minivan?”

“Again, yes!”

Her mom looked hurt. “I’m just trying to make sure we’re all ready to go. You don’t need to snap at me. Did you make sure the stove is off? Did you take the trash out? You don’t want it to smell when you get back.”

“I’ll take the trash out now. I wanted to make sure it was only one trip. Then we can get going, yeah?”

After returning from the dumpster and double-checking all the things that her mom seemed to have irrational anxiety about, Sarah made sure all the lights were off and then locked up before joining her mom in the front passenger seat of her Toyota Sienna.

After a few minutes of driving in silence, her mom seemed to suddenly decide it was conversation time. “So… do you think you’ll be going back next semester?”

“I don’t know, mom,” Sarah muttered. “Depends how I feel by then, I guess.”

“I thought we had dealt with this issue,” her mom said. “I mean, you’ve been going to therapy for years. Is it not working?”

“That’s not how therapy works, mom. You don’t just go for a bit and then you’re suddenly not depressed. It’s better than in high school, at least.”

“I just wish I could do something to make you feel okay,” her mom said. “Anyway, are you planning to see any of your high school friends while you’re back in town?”

“Well, a lot of them are off at college, or we haven’t really been in contact, or I don’t even want to interact with them.”

“Ah. That’s a shame,” her mom said.

Sarah yawned and slumped down further in her seat. “Sorry, but I think I’m a little behind on sleep. Might try to take a nap now, if that’s okay.”

“Of course!” her mom said. “Get some rest.”

Sarah closed her eyes and made a conscious effort to slow her breathing. After a few minutes, she drifted off to sleep.

***

“Sarah? We’re here.”

Sarah blearily opened her eyes, seeing her mom leaning over her. For a moment she thought she was back in high school being woken up in the morning, before she remembered that she was in a car.

Looking around, it was almost sundown, with gold-orange light casting long shadows from all the trees planted along the wide suburban street. “Oh, I was out for a while,” Sarah said.

“You want to help me unload?” her mom asked.

“Uh, yeah, sure.” Sarah creakily boosted herself to her feet, her butt a bit sore after hours of sitting. She stretched for a moment before heading around to the back of the car and pulling out her big rolling luggage.

A few minutes later, her stuff was inside and she was sitting at the kitchen table and eating some leftover pasta and sauce that her mom had insisted on microwaving for her.

After she’d emptied the bowl, she turned to her mom. “Is Sam home right now?”

Her mom shrugged. “No, I think he’s out with friends, even though he knew we’d be getting back tonight. He’s going through that phase, you know?”

“Yeah,” Sarah said noncommittally. 

“I washed the sheets in your old room, so the bed should be ready whenever you want to use it.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Sarah said. “I might go lie down, actually.”

“Alright. Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“I will!” Sarah said before heading upstairs. Secretly, instead of sleeping, her plan was to lie in bed half under the covers and watch random videos on her phone.

Instead, she ended up accidentally falling asleep halfway through a video about pyramid schemes.

 

***

Sarah awkwardly looked around the grocery store, irrationally afraid that she would run into someone from high school and they would somehow know what a failure she’d been in life since then. 

A really unusually tall girl–she must have been about 6’3”--caught her eye as it skimmed past. Looked like she was one of the cashiers. Something about her felt vaguely familiar, but Sarah couldn’t quite pin it down. To be honest, she’d probably have remembered a girl like this, because she was absolutely her type. Reminded her of the other main character in that Kristen Stewart lesbian Christmas romcom. The one who was also in San Junipero. Whatever that actresses’ name was. 

“Anything you need?” her mom asked her, jolting her out of her vague, gay thoughts. “There’s a sale on ice cream if you want.”

“Mom, you already have several containers at home.”

“But it’s on sale! And I’m worried you keep losing weight. Didn’t the doctor tell you to eat more?”

“That was like two years ago, Mom. And I’ve been trying. I’m just not very hungry most of the time. But I eat enough. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“If you’re sure…” her mom said. “Do you want any tea? I don’t think I have any at home.”

“Sure, Mom,” Sarah said. “That would be nice. Thanks.”

***

It was just her luck that her mom picked the checkout aisle with the hot cashier. She was probably imagining it, but she could swear the girl was staring at her. As she scanned a carton of ice cream, she seemed to have a sudden epiphany. “Sarah?”

“Uh, hi,” Sarah said, feeling incredibly awkward that she didn’t remember this girl or her name. “How, uh… how have you been?”

The girl shrugged. “Eh. I mean, better than I used to be, you know? Can’t say this was my dream job but it pays the bills.”

Sarah suddenly realized that, thank god, the girl was wearing a little employee badge with her name on it. Olivia. Cute name.

“Oh, did you go to East High?” Sarah’s mom asked. “Maybe I know your parents.”

“Ah, no, I ended up at a different high school. But Sarah and I had the pleasure of suffering through middle school together.”

Sarah had to make a concerted effort to avoid entering panic mode. This kind of social situation was her worst nightmare. This girl clearly remembered all about Sarah, but Sarah didn’t remember her at all.

She racked her brains trying to remember any middle school friends who had gone off to a different high school. There was mostly just one, and he…

Slowly, her idiot brain figured out the situation. This girl was, uh… her first (and only) boyfriend.

***

2010

“I dunno, O,” Sarah said nervously. “I mean… I’m not really into boys like that, y’know? I mean, most of my friends are guys. But I don’t wanna date them.”

“It’s not like a real date!” her friend O tried to explain. “It’s just kinda lame to go to the dance single, y’know? Also…”

“Yeah?” Sarah asked.

O sighed. “I heard Zach saying you were a lesbo.”

“What? That little asshole!” Sarah said. “I hate all the girls around here. They’re all so, like, vain and shallow and obsessed with Twilight. Boys are just so much less drama.”

“Look, I’m just saying this might help both our reputations,” O said. “I mean, he also called me gay.”

“He’s such a lame prep,” Sarah said. “I think it’s cool that you have black nails and eyeliner. You look better than Zach does, for sure.”

“Thanks,” O muttered, scuffing at the ground with the toe of one shoe. “I think your hair looks cool. It’s like people I see on Tumblr.”

“Wish my mom agreed!” Sarah said. “She was like so mad when I came home. Said I looked like a boy. She, like, made me wear a wig during Thanksgiving when my grandparents were visiting and during my piano recital.”

“God, that blows,” O said. “Parents are the worst. Mine definitely don’t get the emo aesthetic. My dad said I look like a girl.”

“I mean, if I was a lesbian, I’d rather date a girl more like you than any of the preps around here,” Sarah said. “You know, someone who’s cool. Someone who gets it.”

“Yeah, I can’t see myself with anyone around here either, but if I knew a girl who was cool like us I’d consider it.”

“I’m a girl who’s cool like us,” Sarah pointed out.

“Yeah, but you’re not, like, a girl girl, y’know? You’re more like one of the guys.”

“Aw. Thanks,” Sarah said. “Anyway, any chance your parents will let you go to the midnight premiere?”

“I wish!” O said. “The only time they’re okay with me staying up that late is on New Year’s. My dad always says I’ll stunt my growth if I don’t sleep enough. What if I don’t care about being tall, huh, dad? So materialistic of him.”

“Totally,” Sarah said, even though she wasn’t really sure what the word materialistic meant. She didn’t wanna sound dumb. “Maybe, uh… you could sneak out?”

“Heh. Maybe. Although if I get caught I’d be grounded, like, forever,” O said. “I’ll try to figure out a jailbreak route.”

“Let me know if you need any help with that,” Sarah said. “I could, like, try to catch you if you jump from the window.”

“Yeah, like you could pick me up,” O said. “Like, you are still a girl.”

“Fuck you!” Sarah said. “I bet I’m totally stronger than you are.”

“Arm wrestle?” O said. A moment later, the battle commenced.

“Hey, that’s not fair!” O loudly objected as he lost. “You went before I was ready. We should do it again.”

“Yeah right, dude. Don’t be a sore loser. It’s not my fault you have little girly arms.”

“Take that back!” O said.

“Never!” Sarah yelled. The two started wrestling to establish dominance over the old, shitty couch.

A moment later, footsteps sounded down the stairs to the basement rec room. “You kids okay?” O’s dad asked breathlessly. Sarah tried not to be grossed out by his hairy chest and beer belly sticking out above his boxers.

“We’re fine, dad,” O said, sitting up. “We were just messing around. Jeez.”

“That reminds me, we might need to have a little talk.”

“Dad!” O said. “We weren’t, like, doing anything sexual. That’s so gross you’d even think that. Ugh. I already know about stuff anyway. We have health class and everything.”

“Well, just try and keep it down, alright?” O’s dad said. “I’m trying to watch the game.”

“Well, he ruined that,” O said as soon as his dad had left. “Uh, you wanna play something?”

“Yeah! Halo!” Sarah said excitedly.

“You always say that,” O said. “I wanna play the Sims.”

“Why did you even ask me, then?” Sarah retorted, annoyed.

“Look, I just don’t feel like shooting shit right now,” O said, rolling his eyes. “Look, I’ll let you make all the Sims.”

“Ooh, I wanna make Edward and then kill him. You have the vampire expansion, right?”

“Nice! Yeah, I think I have that one. We should make and kill Justin Bieber too.”

“God, yeah, I have no idea why all the girls at school like him. If anyone looks like a lesbian it’s him.”

“Yeah,” O agreed. “I really don’t understand girls.”

***

“You look… different,” Sarah said.

Olivia laughed awkwardly. “I would hope so. Uh, you too! I almost didn’t recognize you. It’s been so long. Uh, we should catch up some time?”

“Y-yeah,” Sarah said. “Here, let’s exchange numbers.” They briefly swapped phones to enter each other as contacts.

“Well, have a nice day, you two!” Olivia said brightly. “I think I need to help another customer now but, Sarah, looking forward to it!”

“She seemed nice,” Sarah’s mom said as the two of them trudged across the parking lot to her minivan. “I don’t really remember you having a lot of female friends back then but I’m glad to see you did. I guess you must have never introduced her to me.”

“Uh, yeah, I guess you could say you never met Olivia,” Sarah said distractedly.

Her mom stopped pushing the cart for a moment, looking concerned. “Honey, are you okay? You’re looking a little pale.”

“I’m fine, Mom,” Sarah said. “I–I just wasn’t expecting to run into h–her.”

Her mom raised an eyebrow. “Oh, is there some history here I don’t know about?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it right now, Mom.”

Her mom sighed. “You never want to open up to me. I hope you’re more open with your therapist.”

“Yes, Mom,” Sarah said. “That’s, like, what they’re paid for. There’s just some subjects I don’t really want to talk to my parents about, you know?”

“Okay, honey,” her mom said. “If you two… dated, I just hope you were safe about it.”

“Mom! This is exactly the kind of thing I don’t want to talk to my close relatives about.”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I… I’m glad you feel comfortable enough now to be open about your sexuality but I worry about all the parts of yourself you hid from us for so long. I feel like I failed you as a parent”

Sarah sighed. “Mom, it has nothing to do with you personally. I didn’t even realize I was gay back then, honestly. I didn’t even feel comfortable letting myself know that. And whatever you’re thinking happened with Olivia probably didn’t, but I don’t want to go into any more detail because she deserves some privacy.”

“Fair enough,” her mom said as they reached the car. “Do you mind carrying the cake in your lap? I’m worried it’ll shift around in the back and mess up the frosting.”

“Sure, Mom,” Sarah said. She looked down at the cake. In squiggly, bright blue letters it read “Welcome Home.”

***

Sarah shifted awkwardly. “Do I hafta wear a dress?” she complained.

“Don’t you want to look nice for your date, honey?” her mom asked. “Now hold still. I’m trying to do what I can with your hair, but it’s hard when it’s this short. I still can’t believe you cut it all off.”

“I like it more this way, Mom,” Sarah said. “It takes way less time to shower. And I think it looks cool. Besides, it’s not a date. Ew. O and I are just friends. We just didn’t want to show up to the dance alone and look like losers.”

“Okay, I think this is the best I can manage,” Sarah’s mom said as she stepped back from Sarah’s hair. Sarah looked in the mirror and frowned, resisting the urge to pull out the bobby pins and rough it up to its normal semi-chaotic, spiky state. “You look nice, honey.”

“I look stupid,” Sarah said. “O is probably gonna laugh at me.”

“Well, if he laughs at you, then he doesn’t seem like a very good friend,” her mom said. “Besides, I’m sure that won’t happen.”

She glanced at the clock. “Oh, he should be here soon! Let me get my camera.”

“Mom, no! I don’t want, like, photographic evidence of this. That’s so embarrassing.”

“I promise I won’t show anyone else except your dad,” her mom assured her. “I… I just want to document my little girl growing up.”

“Fiiiine,” Sarah said. “But I’m not gonna smile.”

***