Sarah couldn’t have told you pretty much anything that had happened in the sci-fi thriller that she and Olivia had just watched. That was partly the movie’s fault for being a bit generic, but mostly her fault for looking at Olivia rather than at the movie. She wanted to say there was something about a time loop?

Anyway, she breathed in and out again, trying to calm herself down as suggested by her therapist. 

“...That sound okay?” she caught Olivia saying.

“Uh, I’m really sorry. I think I was zoning out. Can you repeat that?”

“Oh, I was just asking if Thai sounded good.”

“Sure!” Sarah said. “Although I’ll remind you that you’re probably going to get something really spicy and then regret it later.”

“Sounds like a future Olivia problem,” Olivia said. Both girls briefly chuckled.

“So… what’s been up in life for you? Just, like, in general,” Olivia asked.

Sarah sat for a moment thinking about her answer. “Well, I was going to college, but now…”

“Did you want to go, or did your parents want you to go?” Olivia asked.

Sarah shrugged. “I want to be able to get a job in the future, I guess, and people have told me that’s hard without at least a Bachelor’s degree. But I can’t say I was having a great time doing that.”

“Yeahh…” Olivia said. “I guess I was initially taking a gap year, because I was… I had some other stuff going on in my life that I was trying to figure out, y’know? And I guess it’s ended up being a pretty long gap. I’m not really sure if I want to go to college or not, honestly.”

“I feel that,” Sarah said. “I… I’m kind of taking a break from college right now. I’m not really sure if I want to go back. I just… I hate this fucking depression. I know I’m being useless and I hate myself for it and that just makes everything worse.”

“You’re not useless,” Olivia said, gently laying a hand on Sarah’s shoulder. Sarah felt her heart beat faster. “You’re cool, and kind, and you make the lives of people around you better. I mean, I doubt I’d have gotten through middle school without you around. And high school…”

“Yeah?” Sarah asked.

Olivia sighed. “High school was a nightmare.”

***

2012

O glanced around anxiously. He hated how it felt like being around judgmental eyes made him forget how to come off like a normal person. He couldn’t even do basic fucking things like walking normally.

He realized he was clutching his pile of textbooks to his chest and forced himself to lower them. He really didn’t know why, but apparently the other way was how girls carried books, and he really didn’t need to give people a reason to make fun of him.

Not that anyone even really talked to him. Maybe it was his own fault but… he just couldn’t muster the energy. Everyone around him just seemed so normal and happy and he just… wasn’t. He had to wonder if something was wrong with him, or if he was normal and just bad at putting a front. 

He finally reached his locker and shoved the books in after extracting his lunchbox. He sat down on the low wall in the quad where he always ate, alone.

He felt his eyes grow moist but successfully swallowed the urge to cry.

***