** Taylor **

 

“Here it is, in all its glory,” I laughed self deprecatingly, opening the door to my room and letting April inside.

She stepped into my room like she was walking into a new room in a dungeon, staring around at everything like it might bite her. Her huge cape of hair shifted as her head spun this way and that. My room wasn’t particularly impressive. An old physical screen sat against one wall that I used to play old games, and my big king sized bed sat opposite it.

Around the room were the normal pieces of furniture you might find too, a dresser, bedside table, small coffee table that sat on a big shag carpet. I’d spent a while turning my room into a nice little home when I still lived her regularly. Sadly, when I’d moved out, I’d taken my horde of plush animals and the few figurines I’d had. I’d limited myself on figurines because, one, they weren’t very huggable, and two, I didn’t want to seem too much like the nerd I really was when I brought friends over.

The plushies and figurines were gone now, leaving a few less loved photographs dotted around the various surfaces of the rooms. I still had the various celebrity sources of confusion around the room. The posters looked a little faded now. It had been hard back then, trying to figure out why I was so interested in such and such actress and another actor at the same time. The sexuality journey had been a wild one, that is, until my even more wild sister had come in and helped me out.

“You don’t live here anymore do you?” she asked softly, turning to look up at me with nervous eyes. Shit those eyes were huge.

“Not normally, no. I like to spend a few days here every so often to visit Mum and Dad,” I told her, walking over to sit on my bed and leaving the door just slightly ajar behind me so she wouldn’t feel trapped.

“You have a loving family,” she murmured. “I’m jealous.”

I shrugged, “It’s nice yeah. They’re good. Feels like the default these days is garbage parents. Like, people have kids purely because they think they’re meant to, rather than because they want to.”

April only nodded as she continued to stand there staring at me. Her eyes kept flicking to points across my body like she wanted to stare, but wasn’t sure if she could, or where to look in the first place. Tami was definitely right, the poor girl was gayer than she thought she was.

“You can sit on the bed if you’d like,” I smiled after a few moments, shifting myself up to sit against the headboard.

“O-oh… if you…” she said awkwardly.

“Just take those little shoes of yours off first and pop em next to the door,” I smiled, motioning for her.

“Okay,” she said softly, doing as I’d said like it was an order.

She placed her shoes carefully next to mine, then all but tiptoed over to the bed, climbing up onto it like it was alive and might eat her if she woke it up. Damn, just what kind of hurt timid woman had Tami found in Cora?

She carefully sat next to me, then honest to god wiggled her toes for a moment before she settled in. So fucking cute. I was having massive difficulties keeping my arms at my sides instead of around her.

I’d been sort of taking her in all day. This person next to me. Her name was April, she was a streamer like me, and she was also like a confused, frightened animal. But more than that, more than the almost childlike Alchemilla persona she seemed to use as a shield, she was also an incredibly intelligent woman under it all. There was a tragic sort of underlying maturity hidden under the surface that one only acquired by being forced to grow up too fast.

Maybe that’s what she was trying to do with the whole cutesy streamer thing, recapture her lost childhood, or her lost teenhood. It was a common theme with trans girls, and with those whose parents had not done their duty. She was both.

She was also very pretty, in a mousey sort of way. She obviously didn’t do anything for her appearance, but it almost didn’t matter. Sure, she’d be drop dead gorgeous if I could do the salon rounds with her, but the look she had now was just, April. No frills. It was endearing, and honestly, quite attractive. Not attractive in the way you’d look for someone to have a casual hook up with, but attractive in a far deeper way. The kind of attraction that spoke of commitment, soft and sleepy words in the morning, a thoughtful gesture when you least expected it, that kind of thing.

“You okay?” I asked softly, clamping down with an iron will on a hand that had been about to stray into her hair.

I hated my heart sometimes. I hated it so much. I would be fine for months, years, perfectly content with myself and my single life. Then… disaster. Someone comes into my life and a crush hits me like an ogre’s club to my face. If you looked close enough, I bet you could see splattered bone, cartilage and brain matter. It was that bad. I had it that bad, for this small little bean next to me.

She nodded slowly in reply to the question that I had asked what seemed like three years ago as I sat and admired her, but was really just mere moments.

“You sure? It’s not intimidating being here is it? No, that’s a dumb question, of course it is… um…” I said, my words faltering as my reserves of them ran dry.

“Yeah,” she murmured softly. “It is a little… but it’s nice too. I feel kinda strange. Warm and wild inside, nervous and scared, but also happy. I think I’m okay.”

“I’m glad,” I smiled, finally losing my battle of willpower and running a careful hand over her head. Just a single pat.

Her eyes fluttered closed and her left leg gave a little quiver for a moment. Then she opened her eyes again and smiled. “You keep touching me like that.”

“Ah, yeah. I can stop if it makes you uncomfortable,” I said, pulling my hand away, chastised.

She just hummed in response, and surprised me by reaching out with her hand to mimic what I’d just done. She didn’t stop with one pat though. Her eyes were wide and curious as she nestled her fingers in my hair. It felt nice, but I was more interested in her reaction to this than anything else.

“Your hair feels nice,” she mumbled, her breathing hitching and stuttering. My, this girl was doing things to me. Could my heart and brain slow down for a second? I didn’t like losing control like this.

I didn’t move, letting her explore a little. I didn’t want to disturb her as she followed whatever feelings were bouncing around in that mind of hers. If me and my body were able to help her with her discovery, then she could go anywhere. Please go anywhere? My thoughts turned decidedly sapphic in the most delicious way for a moment, and I had to clamp down hard to keep myself in check.

I closed my eyes as her hand fluttered down to land delicately on my cheek, where it rested for a second or two before it moved again to my arm, just below where the sleeve of my T-shirt ended. She trailed her fingers slowly down my arm, sending exquisite shivers and goosebumps across my whole body.

“Are you like Tami?” she asked in the barest whisper.

“In what way?” I murmured, still dealing with the way my world was focused entirely on the point on my arm where her fingers were resting.

“Do you like girls?” she asked in the same little voice.

I shrugged, opening my eyes a little and smiling. “I like anyone I like. I’m pan, as far as labels go.”

“Oh,” was all she said in reply. Her hand didn’t retreat, but neither did it roam further.

“When I like someone, I like them. I have broader aesthetic attributes I find attractive, as well as personality ones. Then when I notice someone, I see more things about them that I find attractive, but on a more… I don’t know entirely how to explain it. I might hit it off with someone, and the more I like them, the more of their features I find attractive,” I continued, wanting to try and get her to understand my sexuality.

She was silent for half a minute, and it made me restless, so taking a deep breath, I tried to clarify myself, “It’s… hard sometimes, my sexuality. The definition for pan always seems so ephemeral. I talk to people who are pan and whose hearts work completely differently. I just… like people. No need to add more definition than that I guess? The people I like. I like them based on a set of characteristics that could be masculine, feminine or neither. I like soft skin, which a lot of girls have, but so did a lot of guys.”

“You don’t have to explain it,” she said softly, her hand finally retreating to sit in her lap. “I think… I think I actually really do understand”

She stared at it for long moments as we sat in silence. While her eyes were on her hand, my eyes... were all over her again. What did she mean by that? Was she trying to say she thought she might be pan too? That would be great, even if… this feeling within me went nowhere.

The silence stretched on, with April seeming lost in thought the entire time. I was content to wait in silence and let her think. I felt warm and soft, content and happy. The girl beside me felt like a gentle campfire, content to do its own thing but providing warmth and comfort for me all the same.

I closed my eyes again and relaxed. Time skipped, I’d fallen asleep, and when my eyes fluttered open again, I had April tucked against my side. Her head rested on that soft space between my shoulder and my breast, one hand nestled partially under me while the other lay across me. On my part, my arm was around her with my hand resting lightly on her hip.

I immediately felt like I was breathing my feelings in and out, each swell of my chest bringing fresh sweet warmth to my heart. Shit, this was getting really fucking out of hand. My heart was beyond her event horizon now. There was nothing to do but endure it and see what lay beyond, be it an unrequited crush on a friend, or something that developed further.

Her eyes fluttered awake as I watched her, and she blinked in confusion for a few seconds, then bolted upright.

“O-oh! Oh crap!” she squeaked, wriggling away and out of my arms.

“You alright?” I asked in concern. Did she not like the cuddle nap?

“Y-yes. No. Yes…. no, no definitely not,” she said, stumbling over her words.

“Was that too much? Are you okay? I’m sorry, I probably pulled you in against me while I was sleeping,” I said quickly, feeling alarm surge through my heart.

“O-oh n-othing like that! I got a fright! My heart is going crazy, damn. It’s like when I found that plant that boosts your speed and agility. Gosh, it was probably a lot like cocaine to be honest, felt really crazy, made my heart do silly fruit loops like this. Fruit loops? I guess that works. Oh my fuck,” she said in a rush.

“You got a fright? From waking up next to me?” I asked wanting very badly to reach for, and comfort her.

“Yes! It’s not normal! I mean, normal for me. Like, I’m always alone, and so when there’s other people around I get all twitchy, because people can hurt me, but you and Tami don’t hurt me… won’t hurt me. Probably. Anyway… where was I? Um, yeah I—“ she babbled, before she stopped and stared at me for half a second.

Then she launched herself at me, her arms going around my neck and her lips pressing clumsily into mine. Whoooaa… what? What? My hands came up to steady the shaking girl even as I responded to her desperate kiss with more calm, assured movements. She melted against me as soon as I reciprocated, her smaller body fitting over mine so wonderfully my brain did… well, fruit loops I guess.

Her lips were incredible, and she kissed how she did everything else, erratic, confused and passionate. I was under assault, but it was the best kind of explosive, tingling attack that made me want to wrap her up and keep her going. Which I did, my arms encircling her waist and pressing her tighter against my body.

Then she backed off just as quickly, and I pulled my arms away in case she wanted more space. She did want more space, lunging back again and almost throwing herself backwards off the bed in the process. I dove for her as my own spike of adrenaline slowed time for a moment. Damn, she was going to seriously hurt herself if she kept jumping all over the damn place.

“Whoa there girl,” I said as calmly as I could with my mind thoroughly shattered the way it was. “Calm a little, let’s not go breaking ourselves. There’s no respawning out here.”

“So- Sorry! Sorry! I—“ she squeaked, but I pulled her back to me and tucked her into a more platonic embrace.

“Shh, there were two of us in that kiss. No need to apologise. I am going to keep you trapped here though, just until you’re calm, because I can’t have you leaping about my room, possibly breaking it and definitely breaking yourself,” I told her, more assuredly as I got myself under control.

“Oh! Okay,” she mumbled, her voice muffled by my breasts.

“Good girl. Let’s calm down now,” I said gently, stroking her hair with one hand while the other kept her pinned.

We sat like that for another while or two, until April’s breathing had slowed and I could feel her heartbeat had slowed to normal levels. When I figured it was finally safe to do so, I let her up out of the embrace. She leaned back and blinked owlishly at me, her legs curled up under herself. She looked frazzled and more confused than I’d ever seen of her previously… 

I’d seen a lot of her. Far more than I’d like to let on. After I’d talked to Tami that time, I found myself fascinated by the strange girl in the background, who’d been stuffing random flora into her mouth like it was going out of style. That had led me to her streams, and I’d spent a few nights binge watching all of her saved videos.

“Time to sleep properly?” I asked gently, hoping I didn’t frighten her into a manic frenzy again.

“Ye-yes… I think so. Um, do you have anything I can um… wear? I don’t want to sleep in my day clothes,” she asked with a blush.

“I’m sure we can find something, let’s take a look,” I smiled, easing myself off the bed and feeling several of my joints popping.

Damn, the cuddle nap had been nice, but that position had wrecked me. Maybe next time we could try to do it in a different position. Oh wait... no, bad libido! Down girl!