“… And that’s how I wound up here!”

 

Cat’s tale was as unbelievable as she was.

 

“I told you before,” said an unfamiliar voice from behind us.  I turned to see… a woman with pale white skin on half her face, dead, blue-gray skin on the other, just as Cat had described.  “Sappho cannot have been here. She should be in Hades where she belongs. And get out of my chair, you little pest!”

 

Cat leapt to her feet.  “And here she is now! Everyone, I’d like you to meet… oh, how did this go?  ‘Hel, Queen of Hel, Goddess of the Dead and Mistress of… of…’ Dammit! I almost had it that time!”

 

“Mistress of the Damned,” Hel finished, rolling her eyes.  Her dead eye was covered over in a cataract, and if that was her only eye it would have been difficult to tell she was rolling it.  “And I can confirm that, at least, Cat turning up in my bed unannounced is true. Sappho, though,” she added with a barking laugh, “that part is most certainly wraith excrement.”

 

I looked at Astveig with a shrug.  “I honestly don’t know what I expected.”

 

Astveig, for her part, rushed forward and embraced Cat in a big hug.  “Don’t you ever do that again,” she scolded with a shaking finger. “We were so worried!”

 

“Aww, thanks, Mom,” said Cat with a laugh.

 

This was probably the most emotive I’d ever seen Astveig.  It was short-lived, however, as she quickly recomposed herself.

 

Hel coughed to get our attention once again.  “So, now that you’re finally here, can we get down to business?  Cat tells me you wanted to discuss my good-for-nothing father.”

 

“Uh, yeah,” I stuttered, not sure what the proper etiquette for addressing royalty was.  “I, um… I’m looking for a way to break my betrothal to Loki.”

 

Hel appraised me with a discerning eye.  “Hmm, so you’re the unlucky wench he’s supposed to marry, eh?  And you want my help… But what am I supposed to get in return, hmm?”

 

I looked to Astveig, who decided to speak up now.  “Well, we’re willing to negotiate. We have a lot to offer…”  Astveig was bluffing, I knew. We hadn’t even considered what Hel might want in return.

 

Hel seized on that.  “Indeed? Such as?”

 

The question hung in the air like the Sword of Damocles.

 

Finally, Cat interrupted the silence with her own stalling tactic.  “How about we discuss this over dinner? I’m starving!” She gave Astveig and me a look that screamed, “You didn’t think this through very well, did you?”

 

Hel sighed.  “Very well. Follow me to the dining hall.”

 

****

 

We sat at a long dining table in the shadowy hall, the walls lined with great statues of figures wearing great cloaks that concealed their features.  I’m not entirely certain they’d even been sculpted with faces. Hel had a real “Queen of Goths” thing going on. Even the servants who brought us our food were dressed in dreary, if well made, finery.

 

“So,” began Hel, “Cat tells me you’re quite the warrior, Crystal.”

 

Uh-oh.  I don’t know what stories Cat has been telling behind my back.  “Uh, I guess so. I sort of defeated Fenrir…”

 

“Ah, my dear brother,” Hel said wistfully.  “I hope you didn’t hurt him too much. He and I were never particularly close, but I never agreed with what the Asgard did to him.”

 

I grimaced, reminding how beat up I was after the battle on the beach.  “Actually, he probably gave me worse than I gave him. But I suppose you’d say I won the battle of wits.  He’s working with us now.”

 

Hel speared a piece of some unidentified poultry and placed it in her mouth, chewing slowly.  I can’t help feeling like she’s contemplating what I might taste like if properly roasted. “If Fenrir is working with you,” she said at last, “why did he not come here with you?”

 

Astveig decided to step in to answer this one.  “Well, we, uh, had to ask Odin for directions, and we figured Odin wouldn’t be too keen on seeing the creature prophesied to kill him.”

 

Hel laughed a great, cackling laugh.  “No I can imagine not! What I wouldn’t give to see his face if you had, though.  He may have gifted me this realm, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think he’s a great big blowhard.  His family is almost as terrible as my own.”

 

Cat gave me an awkward look, but I couldn’t tell what she was thinking.  “Maybe you can come with us next time we pay him a visit. We can bring Fenrir along.  It’ll be funny!”

 

Hel grimaced.  “Much as I’d love to, I’m bound here.  This may be my realm, but it is also my prison.”

 

I imagine the look of horror on Cat’s face echoed my own.  Astveig remained as straight-faced as ever. “What do you mean?” I asked.

 

Hel let out a long sigh.  “Well, as you can see, I’m half dead.  I was born this way. My… father has a sick sense of humor.  He thought it was terribly funny to see me struggling to cling to life.  Odin gifted me this realm as much out of pity as anything. In the land of the dead, you see, the woman who is half alive is Queen.  However, beyond the Underworld, I’m just half dead, and being half dead will quickly make you entirely dead.”

 

“Wow,” I said, stupidly.  “I guess that explains why you and Loki didn’t get along.”

 

“Indeed,” replied Hel with a nod.  “He’s often found humor in other peoples’ pain.  Probably why he killed Baldur and set off this whole, bloody mess.  To him, it was just a big joke. He probably doesn’t even understand why everyone’s angry at him.”

 

“Wait,” interjected Cat, “you can’t leave the Underworld because you’re half dead, right?”

 

“That’s what I just said, yes,” answered Hel dryly.

 

“But it’s a limitation of your body,” Cat continued.

 

“That would be correct.”

 

“What if I told you we could get you a body that wouldn’t fail you outside the Underworld?”

 

Oh, Cat, I really hope this isn’t going where I think it’s going.

 

“Then I’d say we have a deal,” said Hel.  “IF you could deliver on that.”

 

That gleam escaped Cat’s eye.  The gleam of inspiration. The gleam of invention.  The gleam of absolute chaos.

 

“We can rebuild her.  We have the technology.  We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic goddess.  Better than she was before. Better… Stronger… Faster.”

 

Astveig’s face was buried in her palms.

 

“That line was bad even by our standards, Cat,” I told her.  “If we can do this, how can you break the betrothal?”

 

Hel looked at me with a dead serious face, offering me her hand.  “Why, we get married, of course.”