The Main Man lowered his scope and thought about the situation, he didn’t usually let targets escape after he found them, but, well, he did have a more pressing problem right now, like making sure no bastich clone was still running around, those fragging lizards could wait.

It had been easy enough to find the girlie, what with those hero simps flying in and out of the place from time to time, but he wanted to do things personally, Blondie was fun like that.

In truth, he could brew some kinda virus or sumthing to kill Blondie, and her little brother too but, after eliminating his own species, he had always found such things unsatisfying. Really, he kinda regretted killing his race with that virus, it had been far too easy, kinda took th’ fun outta the whole thing. He should have fragged them personally, made a game of it.

Besides, the Main Man was many things, but he ain’t a cockblocker, let Blondie have her fun, heck, maybe he could get a threesome out of it?

Bastich, the last time he had been with more than one girl was when he dated Triplicate Girl when he was sent to the future, it would be a tragic fraggin’ waste to turn Blondie into meat right now.

Jumping out of the building, Lobo fell heavily on the street, his ‘acquired’ boots managing to survive the fall, adjusting his ‘new’ jacket, he found the correct bar and kicked his way inside.

“Awright, ya dweebs! The Main Man is here!” he pushed some chump out of the way and dropped heavily on the bar stool, grabbing the guy behind the counter, he said. “Yo, Barkeep, get me a bottle!”

Breaking the cap on the bottle with a thumb, Lobo poured the drink directly into his mouth and wiped it with his arm, releasing a deep sigh. People quickly started giving him wide room, but Lobo couldn’t help lifting an eyebrow at the amount of weapons they were sporting.

“Heh, seems like this city ain’t as boring as I first thought, ain’t life just wonderful sometimes?” Finishing the bottle in his second drink, he let it drop to the ground. “Awright, what ya got for me?”

“Please, sir, over here,” A man said, causing a wall filled with bottles to swing open and reveal a hidden room. “We have a fine selection for your pleasure, compliments from Intergang, if you wish for anything specific, we could arrange that too.”

“Spare me th’ bull! Obviously, yer got some secret agenda or sumthing. Well, ‘s no skin off th’ Main Man’s snoot! Just get me the guns!”

Entering the room, Lobo was led further down a set of stairs to reveal a reinforced place, filled with weapons, most were the usual Earth crap, some packed a little extra punch, but Lobo had to smile when he hit the jackpot, there were a few Apokolips gear.

“Well, ain’t that sumthing?” Lobo caressed a giant gun pulsing with red light, “Y’know, I’m starting to like my chances, I just bet this gonna feel real weird! Ain’t many guys get ta’ kill themselves an’ still stay alive ta boast about it! ‘s gonna be a blast!”

.

.

.

.

.

Naked as the day he was born, Lobo finally entered the little town in the middle of nowhere, looking up at a lamp post, he saw several corpses of men and women impaled on top of them, their bodies twisted around the pole as if they were boneless.

“Huh, what a nice welcome for the Main Man,” Lobo commented, looking at the bodies until he found a fat fella with a mostly intact pair of pants.

Jumping up, he grabbed the meat and pulled it out of the pole before stealing it’s pants for himself, the pair didn’t fit him perfectly, but walking around naked got old after a while.

In a great mood, the Main Man entered the little town whistling, enjoying the sights of carnage and destruction all around him. It really warmed his cold heart to see such evil.

Or maybe that was just the bonfire.

“Hmmm, I didn’t think I missed anyone?” Said a cold voice as an entirely white man dropped from the sky in front of him, his back straight and wearing a white overcoat with a small cape.

Lobo gave it a 4/10 on the entrance, but the reception was almost an 8. “Ah, nothin’ like the smell of burning meat fer giving the Main Man a good mood,” Lobo said, putting his arms at his waist and taking a big whiff of the giant pile of corpses burning in the center of the city. “And ya didn’t miss anything; I just arrived from outta town.”

“Very well,” the albino nodded, crossing his arms in front of his chest and putting a hand on his chin in thought as he looked at Lobo. “Say, what do you think about my art? Such memorable deaths, isn’t it beautiful?”

“Hey, I like yer attitude m’mam! The Main Man is all about th’ killing,” Lobo turned to enjoy the destruction. “Though I never really cared about the presentation, just turn the chumps into meat and be done with it.”

“No, no, that would be so boring,” The man shook his head. Extending his hand, he used telekinesis to obliterate the small houses around the burning pile before using the broken wood to feed the fire. “Death must be memorable, it must be Epic! With care given to style if it is to mean anything! To just… die without reason and in such a boring way, something people would forget in a day or two, that would be such a waste. Death is art my friend!”

“So, ya don’t just frag the losers then?” Lobo wondered, watching as the bodies burned away, leaving only the bones. “Y’know, I’m not gonna say killing is boring, but it has been growing a little stale lately. Ain’t many guys capable of putting up a nice fight Y’know? Maybe I’ll try yer way once or twice.”

“And to think I was just considering how your death could be a masterpiece, but now you’ve got me curious, and it is rare to find someone that appreciates my work,” the white man said, turning back and using his power to pull a skull out of the pile before it burned completely. “I’m called Blanque and I’ll be looking forward to hearing about your work.”

“Name’s Lobo,” the Czarnian nodded, watching as more and more skulls floated out of the pile, clean of flesh. “Say, ya know where I can find the vilest city on this Planet?”

“That would probably be Gotham City, it’s that way,” Blanque pointed, causing Lobo to turn that way. “May I ask why?”

“First rule of hunting, make your prey come to you,” Lobo explained, looking around to see if he couldn’t find some booze and a better change of clothes. “That’s probably where I’ll be going, eventually, so I gotta get there first. ya mind if I look around a little before leaving?”

“No, go ahead, look around and appreciate my art a little before going.”

Whistling still, Lobo left the bonfire and started looking inside the damaged houses for some better fitting clothes, it was always nice to meet such a nice fella.

.

.

.

.

.

In a jungle in Africa, a large Czarnian wearing some leaves tied into clothes fell to the jungle floor, causing a small tremor all around him and creating a crate. Patting his leaves into place, he looked around. “Feetal’s Giz! Not a piece of cloth or a bottle of booze in sight! Where the frag am I?”

From behind him, he immediately heard the sound of an alarm and smiled, where there was an alarm, there were also bastiches he could steal from, or at least get some direction.

Instead of jumping again, Lobo started walking towards the noise, from the jungle floor, a large gun was lifted, starting to rotate and shooting him with bullets, they bounced off his muscles, but they actually hurt! “Mine!”

Rushing the gun, he endured the shots and kicked at its base, causing the metal support to break and allowing him to grab the weapon. From both sides, four other turrets lifted and immediately started shooting.

With a maniacal laugh, Lobo turned his new gun at them, pelting them with a wave of metal. “AHHHHHH! The sound of gunfire, how I missed ya! KILLRENDDESTROYFRAG!”

In his defense, Lobo hadn’t killed anything interesting in a long time, first having to wait until he regenerated and then being lost in the jungle. He really needed some stress relief.

Finding another intact gun, he ripped it out of its support and stole the remaining munitions, carrying each machine-gun in one hand. From further where the siren was, Lobo heard a troop of gorillas screaming as they made their way towards him.

Pointing with both weapons, he started laughing. “FRAG! FRAG! FRAG! FRAAAAAAAG!” He unloaded, the bullets cutting through the tree’s, and the incoming gorillas like a hot knife through butter, painting the jungle red with their splashed blood.

The creatures were incredibly powerful, tanking several shots, and a few even reached him, their muscles bulging and filled with wounds, gashes of red muscle breaking out from under their fur, Dropping the empty guns, Lobo got ready to receive them. “YEAH, come at me, my fragging fur coats!”

The Apes hit with surprising strength, but The Main Man was on another level, Bastich, the fur coats were fun to hit, and could take a beating… in the sense that they survived more than one punch.

For a second, Lobo thought about skinning the creatures, but he decided that it probably wasn’t worth it. There was a building right in front of him. The bastiches would have booze and a way out of here, pants would be nice too.

Seeing a gorilla wearing a cap in front of the building and holding a large gun, Lobo frowned, did that mean he just killed sentient gorillas? He hated fragging… Well, no, he didn’t hate fragging random people, he just really liked to be paid for it first.

Stepping away from the tree line, Lobo saw four poles lifting from the ground in a wide area around him and then he felt the attack, electricity running through his body.

“AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHH!” Lobo screamed, his fingers curling into claws as he held his head and fell to his knees.

With an air of superiority, the gorilla stepped closer, a box on his chest releasing a robotic voice. “Mallah, bring me my new test subject, he has cost me a lot of troops already,” the gorilla grunted, pulling out a grenade from his belt.

Lobo curled down, his forehead almost hitting the ground. “ARGHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Just kidding!” Suddenly, he looked up, the electricity still running on his body, but only causing him pain. Jumping ahead, Lobo used a hand to grab the grenade, and the other to squeeze the ape’s neck. “Fer shame, can’t believe ya fell fer it!  Real disappointing, now, ya got exactly one minute to led me inside and provide me with what I want… or I’ll squeeze yer fragile little neck.”

“Perhaps I could be of help?” Said an elegant male voice from his side, causing Lobo to force the Ape to his knees and glance at the newcomer.

The bastich was a tall human with blonde hair; he wore a white costume like those Justice Simps, and had a large green cape at his back. “I’m here to offer you a deal, Lobo, a very… profitable deal.”

“I already got a contract in place, but ya can call me later… just gotta deal with a clone problem first,” Lobo said, dismissing the spandex junkie from his mind.

“You ‘Will’ need my help with that, all it would take is your soul,” Neron said, his smile widening a little. “Together, we could spread chaos, my influence would bring such darkness to the world you could run rampant to your heart’s content, all for such a small price.”

“Cool, only got a problem, the Main Man don’t need no help with that kinda shit, say, Clyde, ya look like a Clyde, I’ma call ya Clyde,” Lobo said, accidentally squeezing the ape’s neck too hard and breaking it. With a shrug, he dropped the beast. “Well, Clyde, fact is, the Main Man never got to play with a soul so, how bout it? Fair exchange an’ all that guff, my soul for yours?”

“I… do not have a soul,” Neron said, a little taken aback by the Czarnian.

“Then frigging fragg off, you blonde-haired evil bastich, I ain't got time for ya! I got people to murder, clones ta hunt an’ all that,” turning his back to the demon, Lobo turned back towards the building, then he heard the roar of a motorcycle. “Aw, bastich.”

“I did say you’d need my help, such pity.” Neron shook his head and disappeared.

Suddenly, Lobo’s head exploded, quickly followed by the rest of his body. After that, a missile hit what remained and blew it up, spreading the pieces all over the clearing.

Parking his motorcycle in the air, Lobo dropped to the ground, his heavy boots sinking into the jungle floor, a large cigar in his mouth. Looking around, The Main Man lifted his arms and pulled out a flamethrower. “Huh, could’a swear I heard someone else here? Frag it. Let’s get this over with quickly. Gotta go back to Gotham soon.”

Using his cigar, Lobo ignited the weapon and started burning everything in sight, reducing the entire jungle to ashes.

A few meters away from there, in a prison cell under the building, Neron stood with his arms crossed, a magical window floating in the air in front of an emaciated gorilla in chains and showing the result of the fight.

“There is still time you know,” Neron said with an even voice. “Your mate is already dead, but your son wasn’t on the alien’s path, Brain is already preparing to flee the facility, do you think he’ll leave anyone alive when he does?”

“What… huff… is your price?” Grodd asked, his bulging muscles struggling against the chains to no result, he was starving, he was dehydrated and he was in pain.

Perhaps he would have died with his mate had he not tried to organize a coup, seeing Brain’s retreat from his other base and The Light’s distraction as a chance to fight off his enslaver. He had failed, and he had paid for it.

“Why, my price remains the same, your soul in exchange for the power necessary to escape,” Neron said, collapsing the magical window. “Is it too much to pay?”

“Another… huff… chain at my feet,” The gorilla said, feeling the Kobra-Venom running through his veins. Sometimes, Grodd wished Brain hadn’t ever increased his intelligence, that he had remained a simple beast, but those times were rare, no, what he really wanted was revenge.

“Perhaps, but it would be a loose one and, really, would it be too high a price for the chance of freeing your son? If you are fast enough, that is,” Neron shrugged, his cape waving at his back as he extended a hand towards the ape.

“I… accept.”

.

.

.

.

.

Floating in space, millions of miles away from Earth, Lobo moved, his body completely naked and his arms crossed in front of his chest in boredom. He had tried to rip out one of his limbs and throw it away to change his direction, but he couldn’t get much speed that way.

At least he wasn’t creating new clones, he could choose from which part of his body to regenerate when he concentrated on it, it was when he was in the middle of a fight that problems could happen.

So he floated there, slowly moving in Mars’s direction. Even from where he was, it was still likely to take him a few months to get there, months without booze, without death, without even a tiny little fight… Lobo was in hell.

At this point, he sincerely hoped one of his clones would pass by and blow his own head, it would be better than this bastich boredom!

“Excuse me, sir Lobo; have you heard the word of our lord and savior, the Triple Fish-God?” A gentle voice said in his mind, Lobo was just about to try and kill the damn bastich trying to preach to him when he saw it.

“Awwww, ain’t ya just the purest thing? Come ‘ere li’l buddie, what’s yer name?” Lobo said, gently lifting his hand towards the most beautiful thing he had ever seen, those wet, black eyes, that cute nose, it was the greatest space dolphin he had ever seen.

“I am the envoy of the Triple Fish-God,” The dolphin said in his mind, floating closer to Lobo and letting the bounty hunter touch his sleek body. “Our lord and savior has a mission for you, Lobo, do you accept?”

“I do.”

That said, Lobo put a hand on fishy’s fin, he was gonna call him fishy, and they swam away through the stars to start Lobo’s new life as a member of the greatest cult in the galaxy.