We reached the end of the woods to find it had already become evening. The sun basked all the world in a light wash. We were thoroughly spent of our energy. In the distance, a few of the servants were searching the gardens. They looked over to us and ran our way.
“Prince Yurva, the King calls for you!” they said.
It was no wonder to me that my father was worried. He was one to assume the best in qualities but the worst in external affairs. Especially those out of his control.
“It would seem you’re in trouble, prince,” laughed Varey. “But we’ll side with you, for now we’re friends!”
And indeed we were!
We made to my father’s study, where Kings Desyar and Anyur, the ministers, aristocrats, and various officials were all gathered. It wasn’t often I visited the study. Usually if I went, it was because I was in trouble or was to be given a lecture, but I did my best to stay out of other’s notice.
I hadn’t all that often paid attention to the space. But for some reason, it seemed that the pillars grew taller, and that the furniture loomed above me.
What was a pristine space seemed masked with darkness and dread, mirroring the state of my heart. I felt small and insignificant. One who was to be tested by the figureheads and be sentenced by its end. A sentence possibly leading to another downfall.
My expression became sullen, and I hung my head low. Varey and Viruka looked to me with worry.
My father approached me. He looked to the visiting prince and princess with sternness. He sighed and then smiled.
“It would seem you have some newfound friends.”
I looked up in surprise.
“But you had me and their father worried. To where did the three of you disappear?”
I explained all the circumstances leading to our flight to the forest, doing well to obscure or hide our conflict, our visitations of the celestial deer and celestial dragon, and the test that was imposed on us.
All in the space listened attentively. When I had finished, there was silence.
“While I don’t deny your meetings, of what forest do you speak?”
This had us confused. For the forest was in plain sight to all who were in the vicinity. Indeed, one could see it even at a distance from the palace.
“The forest past the gardens,” I said. “You don’t mean to tell me you’ve already forgotten about it, have you, father? That’s the forest I always saw you enter when you went on hunts.”
I should’ve better phrased my words, but given the haste of my mind, I spoke rather accusatively. Minister Druzhat, in particular, held his hand to his head and shook in disappointment.
The others didn’t pay attention. My father bent down and held my shoulder, “I know of no such forest. I know you would not lie, so what is this forest really?”
I grabbed my father’s hand and ran from the study. With my father following behind, as well as all the others, we made through the halls until reaching the gardens on the backside.
But when we arrived, to my shock, the forest had disappeared. There were only the flowers, meadows, trees that dotted the landscape, and rolling hills that stretched into the distance.
“I do not lie, father,” I said; “there really was a forest!”
Varey said, “He is right, sire. We indeed journeyed into the forest that must have been at the ends of the immediate garden. I know not why the forest has disappeared, or why you do not remember, but it might have something to do with the characters that revealed themselves to us.”
“While it may not be my place to speak,” said Viruka, “my brother is right. We indeed encountered strange beings and visions. By the time we returned the full day had already passed, though to us it only felt a few hours.”
I was glad at my friends’ words. But my father seemed unconvinced.
“I do remember the serpent you spoke of, yet scarce an idea of where he could be now. As for my hunts, I only remember going to the forests out of the city’s bounds, though it has been long since I ventured that way. The expeditions had taken much of my energy and almost surely sapped my strength.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt ashamed trying to defend myself. It wouldn’t have been wise to lie or hide information. At the very least, I could’ve owned to my faults instead of making excuses. But what was done was done. No more to be pressed.
“Whatever the case may be, glad am I that none of you are hurt. Worry not this old man. Though he be a king, his heart is as fragile as glass!”
We walked to the palace and went to our quarters. Business was not yet done between the two kings, so for at least a few more days, I could spend my time with Varey and Viruka.
The two of them slept with me in my chambers. All of us on a bed that I should say was fit more for a giant than a boy.
The sun passed into darkness, and with in a few hours, the lights of the palace were lowered. The flames were snuffed and there was a lull that night. We slept close to each other. And while their warmth cooled my senses, the worry and anxiety I felt hadn’t yet left.
I felt no closer to progress than when I first arrived, only biding the time to what I thought to be both a certain and eventual death. My short life in this world would come to a close, perhaps in the next couple of decades.
All I could resolve is that I should leave a mark that wouldn’t disdain my house. It was all I could think or pray.
As the night progressed, Varey fell to deep sleep, while I remained awake. I didn’t move, but I felt uneasy. I suspected the princess to be asleep as well. All I could think to distract me from my troubles was her beauty reflected in my childish eyes.
I felt the same fear when I beheld her and closed my eyes to think more dreadful things. Then under the sheets I could feel my hand grabbed and squeezed.
I looked to my side to see Viruka had grabbed it! Her eyes were closed, but her face held a smile. She muttered in her sleep, “Be always a friend to us, Yurva.”
I relaxed and fell asleep. That night—of all nights before—was the most pleasant.
i really enjoy the story so far. it is well paced, has the most unique mythological basis, and a great character progression. im rly intrigued to find out what is to come in later chapters. i think you are a very good novelist, keep being passionate! i think you could definitely reach a broader audience were it not for your niche style, but i also think it's not necessary to bother changing what you like or dropping the quality, cuz more people will find you sooner or later anyways if you post more works or chapters. anyways i have never heard of a webnovel writer who draws such a large inspiration from indian culture, which is a shame but now i have your novel thank you
---- as a side note, you could also experiment with writing new novel which has a dumbed down english compared to this with a more cliche storytelling and i swear you will gather the avarage readers like flies on a **.. you know what i mean... it might not be a bad idea just to see what its like, and it would not even be hard to think it out, you would spend negative energy on chapters, and then if you want you could merge or dilute your style for broader audiences, but this novel right here i think is for the cultured people like me. but dont be afraid to experiment i know for a fact from personal experience (i was the same) that people like trash recycled cliche novels with predictable outcomes, but the most successful novels are on the middle path not on the extremes, this novel being an extreme in high quality might cut down a potential broader audience! ----
Thank you, and yup I hear you! Surprisingly, on suggestion from a friend, I tried dumbing this down quite a bit with little luck haha. This was supposed to be the "easy" lead-in to my other work, but yet it hasn't picked quite that much traction, as of yet at least. I think it will get better though, as long as I keep releasing on a regular basis. There'll be 1-2 smut chapters coming in for the next year so I can see how that pans out
If you look at my other story, it would probably be near undecipherable to an average reader on a site like this. And I only made that story to be a lead-in to yet another work, that's even more complex (literally reads like a religious text).
If I decide to write another novel that really is everything the people on WN sites crave for, I might just write the whole thing upfront and then release it slowly, and see what happens. Takes a bit of the pressure off having to keep writing another story on a regular basis on top of the two stories I already have. But there's also the matter of if I want to. I went on long rants and arguments with my writer friend about this, and whether its even worth it. I get that smash hit that everyone's looking for, only to cringe every time I have to add content lol.
Also if you got any criticisms on my writing or suggestions for improvement, let me know! I'm not impervious to mistakes and my style, being as it is, can get dry at times.
Regardless, thank you for reading my story. It means a lot!
@Tumbmar oh now i suddenly became rly interested in your other novel
as a criticism, as long as you know how to add complex problems to the story that the main protag can tacle in a relatable or a logically explained and plausable/predictable way then i don't think you have to necessarily dumb it down cuz the problem can still be complex and not cliche. or maybe you can start slow, like if a total rando from New York suddenly got reincarnated into the ancient vedic past, then how would he learn to live, i bet it would be a slow process to integrate all that into his lifestyle or idk and maybe the novel could start in a similar fashion so it's not overwhelming for an avarage reader and he/she can also learn the concepts of those times with the protag. i just mean to say that gradual introduction to a new world is neccessary for the new reader and also the first chapters should be the big catch that grabs the unsuspecting readers attention so it should be easier to digest even if the novel gradually becomes super complex it will be still okey cuz it was gradual. so this way you don't have to write dumb stuff only at the beginning and gradually introduce the complex, maybe have discussions in the comment section also about it while diluting it with the generic webnovel cliches and gradually as the character develops the plot will also evolve into the complex and it will be enjoyable for the readers too.
i hope this criticism helps and im not spouting bs, i have sincere intentions anyways
anyways back to reading
ps.: and i might also add that the vedic culture (the path to realization) and daoism (ehich the wuxia novels and chinese legends are based on) and buddhist mythology all has a LOT of interchangable terms and concepts as all these paths are a way to enlightenment at the end of the day. so as a lot of people are only familiar with wuxia novels, maybe you could write a novel about a wuxia novel reader reincarnating and then draw parallels between the two cultures as you introduce the reader to the new world and how he already has some idea about the meaning behind everything as a wuxia fan. i know it's a little stretch but im positive about it. if i may be bold enough there is a novel i absolutely adore: Legend of the great sage. maybe you could draw some inspiration from it about how to merge cultures for the masses to understand complex from the simple. im 100% certain it would help cuz it's a beast novel ehich is still ongoing and the author almost died irl, also the novel is very cliche free (or it's only there sometimes to hook you in the more complex concepts it wants you to understand) . anyways im just writing all this cuz i want you to succeed, you have such a unique style, watching it being too dumbed down i know will hurt me a little even if i will read all
@oliloc Hmm, I see, I could do that for a second pass and see where it takes me. Thanks for the input!
Hey Friend I am normally a lurker and made an account just to add my comments to your story. All in all i am enjoying the story alot and have not much to say interms of criticisms. If anything i can feel the indic or eastern asian influences in the design and story telling which is so much more different then usual stories you see here. keep up the good work I am sure you will get more readers as time passes. I will be reading your other novel as soon as i am done with this.
Wow, thank you so much! I was initially unsure whether it was those influences or writing style that turned people off as it did in my other story, but its good to know that you're enjoying them. Hope you continue to enjoy my work!
@Tumbmar See when people are accustomed to a certain type of story telling / themes you will obviously have some difficulty holding traction when the themes are wildly out of the usual comfort zone this is more so true with readers from scribble hub and novel updates. I think one thing you can improve on is make certain descriptions more concise i dont want to offend anyone but when words such as libations come up with the fight with Salam you will definitely confuse some of them. But this is also why your story is different from others and personally i enjoy it.
@karpar461 ye I could make them more concise. I feel at least in certain places it makes sense to make them more detailed and ornate. But yes, it would help to get a more fine balance toward the simpler side for the kind of audience on this website.
There's something interesting in how you tell the tale. It feels like being dropped in an Indian fairy tale. As an American, it feels both foreign and enchanting.
just binge read it, quite enjoying it! keep up the good work
Thank you!