Karen plopped down into the seat next to Maya. “This has been the most boring shift ever,” she said. And she wasn’t wrong. Normally they loved a quiet shift, but there had been less than ten customers since opening. A person can only straighten a shelf so many times before losing what makes them human. 

“That’s why I’m hiding here until someone comes in,” Maya replied. The break room was hardly big enough for the furniture crammed inside of it, leading some employees to joke that it was a repurposed supply closet. It served its purpose well enough for her though. Two folding chairs, a tiny card table, and a mini-fridge. Who would dare ask for more?

Maya had hoped to kill a little more time before having to work again. Luckily, Karen seemed happy to help. Afraid of appearing rude, she rushed to finish a text to Ethan before setting her phone on the table. He wanted to hang out again which was becoming very common. Over the last two weeks he had asked to meet up at least every other day. Even with classes starting the week before, she didn’t necessarily mind. It was… different from how he normally behaved.

“So, has your first week of classes been fun?” The question floated over Maya’s head for a moment until she straightened her posture and turned to face Karen properly.

“Yeah! Really easy stuff so far, except for my lab.” Her expression soured.

“Oh? Already sick of working with test tubes and all that?”

“It’s not only that,” Maya sighed. “They just make you write a bunch of stuff before and after, even if it’s the simplest experiment ever. Lots of hypothesizing and analyzing and blah blah blah.” She made sure to put extreme emphasis on any word over two syllables.

“Ew, yeah, don’t blame ya. But isn’t that a big part of biology?”

Maya threw her head back and groaned. “I know, I know. I’m hoping I can get used to everything. It’s only been a week, right?”

“Yup, stay positive, girl! You’ll get there.”

Maya had to fight the urge to smile. Girl. She really doesn’t see me as a guy, does she. She’d worked there for over a year at this point, and was clearly stealth, but still could not shake the feeling that everyone secretly pitied her. They just don’t want to upset me, there must be a rumor going around at least. Passing was nothing more than a pipe dream from the very start of her transition. It wasn’t actually possible, right? Just an unattainable goal to help her progress but never actually meant to be achieved.

No, that’s silly. She obviously passed, her co-workers would have slipped up by now otherwise. From day one they’ve treated her as a woman. Maya knew she was insane for doubting herself after such a long time, but always found herself doing it when her mind wandered too much.

“What would really help you,” Karen said, pulling her out of the spiral, “is having some fun! Get out of the house, away from work or school. See a movie with friends, go to a party, let loose!”

“I’m not really super social…not a lot of friends to do stuff with.” Before transition she had a small group of friends, and now it was just Ethan. Oh, and Ben. I guess we can say we’re friends now.

“Oh don’t say that, you have friends! What about that Ethan guy, you’ve talked about him before. And you insist he isn’t your boyfriend so what else would you call him?”

“I guess so, but I already hang out with him and it hasn’t helped with stress too much. And he’s sort of acting differently recently.”

“Different how?” Karen asked. She was fully facing Maya with her elbows on the table.

Ah jeez, how do I do this…

Maya thought back to every interaction she’d had with Ethan recently. Lots of getting food, watching movies, normal friend stuff. But she noticed little changes each time. He gradually shifted to more compliments instead of typical banter, like he was afraid to upset her. His tone was different too. The gloomy voice she knew for years had more purpose in it. Some newfound source of confidence she wagered.

She figured the biggest change was that he didn’t talk about girls anymore. Before, he would talk Maya’s ear off about crushes, celebrities, random strangers they passed would be brought up moments they were out of earshot. She never liked it, truth be told, but she also didn’t see it as a huge deal to put up with. Even after she transitioned he would do it, then he just suddenly stopped one day.

Obviously she was not about to complain. It was nice to talk without having to see through the lens of a straight guy’s mind. And she wouldn’t admit it, but it made her jealous every time he would ogle another woman in front of her. Well maybe not jealous, inadequate was a better word, as if she could never compete with a cis woman.

So no, it wasn’t a bad change in her eyes, but it did make her think something was off. Maybe he finally picked up on how uncomfortable it made me? Or maybe he’s finally mature enough to be done with all that. Both good thoughts, yet it still felt like wishful thinking.

If she wasn’t trans she might have assumed Ethan had a crush on her.

Well, could he? No. He’s dated actual women before, he wouldn’t waste time with me.

There was also a conversation they had last week that Maya had tried her best to block from memory. It really wasn’t a huge deal. He just phrased some things… strangely? They were at their go-to pizza place when the mood got weird.

 

“Have you thought of dating anybody? Sophomore now and you still haven’t had a college boyfriend.” Ethan asked. He was always a little forward with his questions.

“Wha– umm– I don’t…” Maya didn’t expect to get caught off guard while waiting for her pizza. She had been trying to fold a napkin into her lap, but found herself shredding it into a mess. “I’m just worried, you know. Since I’m trans…”

“Ah, yeah, that would complicate things. If they didn’t know.” Ethan took off his glasses and wiped them with a cloth he kept in his pocket. Maya admired how he never had a hair out of place. Not only hygiene, but his whole vibe. Stylish, sleek glasses, obscure but affordable clothes brands, his shiny slick hair was kept trim and styled in whatever trend was going on at the time. He was more well put together than most people a decade older than him, let alone compared to college students.

He certainly cares about appearances… which makes it even weirder that he would be okay being seen in public with me.

“But you know,” Ethan continued, “this is a pretty progressive school. I doubt most guys would care, and those that do wouldn’t be especially rude about it.”

“Maybe… not really anyone I’m interested in, anyway.”

“Nobody? No one in any of your classes? Or what about your gay club?”

Ben.

“Nah.” she said.

I like Ben.

“No one has caught my eye or anything,” she muttered.

I like Ben a lot.

“I’ve met a couple cool people at the LGBTQ club, but no sparks.”

But I can’t talk about guys with him, that would be weird, right? And we just met, we don’t really know each other. I’m being too optimistic.

“What about you? It’s not like you have a girlfriend yet.” She turned the pressure back to Ethan.

“You know, I’m just figuring some stuff out first,” he said.

“Stuff? What, like if you want to date a blonde again or not?”

“No, I mean important stuff. Like if pursuing something could ruin something else.”

What? Does he mean–

Thankfully the pizza had arrived before she could finish her thought.

 

Karen was still on the other side of the table, eager as ever to hear Maya spill her secrets. “How was he acting different? You think maybe he has a girlfriend he’s afraid to tell you about?”

“Actually,” Maya realized how impossible it would be to explain to her without outing herself. “I think he’s dealing with, umm, family issues?” Another lie told to Karen. She felt bad each time it happened. Better than telling a gossip lover my biggest secret.

“Oh, well, let’s hope things work out okay for him.”

“Yeah…”

“Even without him, you’re in a study club now, right? Try talking to some people there! That’s the beauty of clubs, making friends you can keep outside of them.”

“I know, you’re right.” I guess there’s no harm in telling her about Ben, right? I’ll keep the details light. “Actually I did meet someone there who’s pretty cool.” Karen’s face lit up. Here we go.

“Seriously? Tell me about ‘em! Everything, seriously, there’s nothing else to do, so spare no details.”

I am just digging hole after hole over here, huh.

“He’s umm, getting an engineering degree. He’s a year above me.”

Karen rolled her eyes. “Wow, so interesting. What does he look like? Is he cute? Are you in love with him?”

“Karen!” Maya almost choked.

“I’m joking! Relax, girl. But you like him, right? I can see you blushing. You need to stop befriending so many men, you’re becoming a real heartbreaker.”

Maya’s whole chest tightened up. I hate you Karen, I hate you so much. “He’s umm… cute. I guess.” Her stomach began to tie itself into knots.

“Tell me more!”

Maya nodded her head, buying time for her nausea to die down. “So we actually have a class together.”

“Very nice! Have you spent any time together outside of school stuff?”

“Not really, just club and class. We are working together on a project for the club, with a couple other people.”

“What sort of study club gives you extra projects?” Karen raised an eyebrow.

“It’s volunteer only. Just a little thing for the activities fair.”

“Huh, okay. Sounds fun, maybe I can come see it while the fair is runni–”

“No!” Maya shouted. Very normal reaction, great job, Maya. She tried to smooth things over, since Karen was looking at her much in the same way a normal person looks at someone in a full Star Wars cosplay. “It’s supposed to rain. So you probably wouldn’t want to check it out.”

Her explanation did nothing to change how Karen was looking at her. “Why is the fair planned for a day with rain? Isn’t it in a month anyway? They have flyers all over the store here.”

“Well, it might rain. They aren’t sure. Weather can be pretty unpredictable, you know how it goes.”

“Yeah Maya, it might rain every day, that’s how it works. Anyway, it seems you don’t want me meeting your new ‘friend’ so I’ll leave it be.”

Karen turned away and started scrolling through her phone. Great, I’m such a nervous wreck that I hurt her feelings.

“That’s not it, Karen, I promise.” She sighed inward, knowing she might regret telling more details to her co-worker. But she preferred it to losing the connection she had with her. “Hey, want to hear about how our first class together went? It was kind of cute. In a fun way! Like a friend way.”

Karen smirked and turned back to the table. “Well if you really want to tell me, yeah, let’s hear it.”

Maya took a deep breath. Okay, which details do I leave out…

 

Ben had yet to respond to Maya that day, which was putting her on edge. It was only 11 a.m. and they were supposed to see each other for class anyway, but it still hurt.

Why did I ask him that? She set a brisk pace that morning, afraid if she were any slower her anxious thoughts would catch up with her and take her down. He probably doesn’t even like coffee, or he met someone cooler, or he dropped the class and didn’t tell me. It would make sense, why else wouldn’t he have at least said something?

She paused when she noticed she was panting. Maybe I could slow down a touch. As she slowed and caught her breath, she looked around. The leaves on the ground were withering, the sky was overcast, the sidewalks were nearly deserted. She did see the brown speckled duck from before, but it was a few yards behind her. The stream bubbled and flowed quietly while Maya waited for her feathered friend to catch up.

She wondered if the duck minded how cold the water was. It was the first day of the year cold enough to warrant a jacket, and the duck didn’t seem very cozy. It let out a little quack every couple of seconds until it was swimming alongside her. Now walking side by side with her friend, she continued to her class. Her thoughts were calmer now, not as hectic and depressing. Still, the events of the morning replayed in her head.

Ben and her had a good back-and-forth going in their texts. Nothing more than a handful a day, and they kept it light. So why did I mess things up? Maya felt confident that morning and excited to talk to Ben. More than that, she had cooked up an incredible plan for their first ceramics class later in the day. No, it was clearly an awful plan, look what happened. A simple text asking if he wanted to meet up before class for coffee. No response in three hours.

Immediately after sending it, Maya felt confident. Why wouldn’t he say yes, they were clearly having a good time together. Then twenty minutes passed. Her confidence began to wane. Maybe he was in the shower or slept in super late? After the hour mark she had to just listen to music on max volume to block out any thoughts. By the time Maya left to head to the class, a truth became apparent: it was over.

He didn’t like her. Of course, it was all obvious from the start. There was never any chance of them being more than friends, he just wanted someone to hang out with at the club. Was he cute? Yes. Was he funny? Yes. Did Maya melt any time he gave her the slightest bit of attention? Absolutely not… from here on forward.

Ceramics class was a closer walk than the club building, and soon Maya found herself ready to go inside. Physically ready. Mentally, she could have used a few more minutes. She waved goodbye to the duck and headed inside.

The classroom was claustrophobic and musty. There were no more than five tables, each one with two stools behind it. What are the odds we both got in here in the first place? She thought as she wandered to the back of the room. Only two other people were there, sitting at the front table and quietly murmuring to each other.

Maya swung her bag onto the table and sat down on a stool. Immediately it creaked and wobbled. Lovely. She hopped over to the stool next to her and pulled her bag towards her. Still creaky but no wobble.

Class did not start for another ten minutes, but this was still the emptiest she had ever seen a room at her school. The silence was beginning to damage her. Every insecurity from the morning, plus some from the past week, swam around in her head. In a last ditch attempt to escape them, she planted her face into her bag on the table. It worked a little bit. The darkness made it easier to zone out if nothing else.

She hoped the other people in the room weren’t staring at her. Of course, any new person walking in would see her. Whatever. I’ll exist in my own personal void. Nobody will ever  talk to me again, it will be perfect. More footsteps started filling the room. The sound of someone approaching her almost got her to look up, but one of the stools in front of her creaked and became quiet again. Hopefully nobody sits next to me. Except Ben. Though I doubt he would even want to sit with me if–

“Hello, Earth to Maya. You okay?” There it was. His voice.

Maya shot up, grabbing runaway strands of hair and forcing them back into place. “Ben!” She coughed a couple times, expelling any flem from her throat. “Hey, what’s up. Just umm, a little tired is all.”

He was standing over the other stool she had abandoned earlier. “I get ya, I’m pretty exhausted too. I dropped my phone while walking home from the library last night. Took all morning to find it and now it’s dead.”

Yup. Of course. Of course there was an explanation. I’m deranged, what is wrong with me? Why is it always the end of the world at every hiccup?

“Oh no! Good thing you found it,” she said.

“Hopefully I didn’t miss any important calls. I’m gonna have to charge it when I get home and catch up on everything.”

“I thought maybe something was wrong when you didn’t respond to me this morning… I asked if you wanted to get coffee before class, not a big deal.”

“Damn, now I’m sad. That would have been great, way better than crawling around in the grass for two hours. Next week, okay?”

Maya smiled. “Yeah! Definitely…” He’s so sweet, I knew he would never do anything like that. I get the dumbest ideas sometimes.

Ben copied Maya and set his bag on the table. She thought about stopping him, but ultimately let him sit down on the stool.

Again, it creaked and wobbled.

“Woah!” Ben started flailing his arms around. Maya reached out to grab his arm, stabilizing him until he stopped wobbling. “Did you know about that?”

She smirked and tilted her head. “What, that the stool wobbled? No, of course not. I wouldn’t let you embarrass yourself like that!”

“Uh huh, for some reason I don’t believe you.”

They both giggled for a moment then Maya looked down. She was still clinging on to his arm.

“Oh,” she frantically dropped it and leaned away, “sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, you saved my life! Imagine how messy that could have been.”

“Right, because wiping out in the old art room would have killed you.”

“Hey, you never know. There’s probably ancient diseases in all the dirt on the floor. And I think I’ve already seen two cockroaches since I walked in here.”

Maya rolled her eyes at his exaggeration. She did note that her stomach was in much better shape than the morning prior. I wonder if it’s because I’m getting more comfortable around him…  Many crushes in her past caused her stomach to act funny, but none of them ever helped her relax. It was certainly a first.

A few minutes and some small talk passed before the instructor entered. She was an older woman, not frail old, but intimidating old. Ice white hair in a bowl cut around her head, absurdly large cat-eye glasses on a chain around her neck, chaotic floral print pants, bright red lipstick. Definitely the type Maya would have expected to teach an art class when she was younger, but not at this age. She wondered how joyful she might have looked a decade or two ago, and how it slowly transformed to the fierce, stern look she kept on her face now.

“Hmm. Good turnout this year,” the woman said under her breath.

Ben looked around and whispered to Maya, “Seriously? We still have an empty table.”

He was right. Maya counted only eight students there, including the two of them. “Is this really more than they had last semester?” She whispered back to him. “I didn’t think they would let a class run with this tiny amount of people.”

“Maybe it’s a grant thing, I don’t know how colleges run.”

Unfortunately, nothing interesting happened throughout the whole hour. Mostly just the instructor, who they now knew as Elise, talking about kiln safety and her history of teaching various art subjects. Apparently she started as a high school art teacher, but got offered a position at the university to teach art electives in her early thirties. For a brief moment while reminiscing, Maya thought she caught a smile on Elise’s face.

The class ended with a promise to actually work on the potters’ wheels in their next class, along with a warning to wear old clothes they didn’t care about. Maya and Ben left the building at the same time and agreed to walk to the bus stop together, even though they weren’t getting on the same bus.

“I’m excited to see what cool stuff you make,” Ben said.

“What makes you think I’ll make anything cool?” Maya tugged her jacket closed.

“You said you loved pottery, right? Surely you’ll make cooler stuff than I will.”

“Just because I enjoy it doesn’t make me good at it. I mean you have hobbies, right?”

“Of course. Who doesn’t have hobbies?”

“And are you really good at all those hobbies?” Her question hung in the air for a moment.

“Not exactly…” The conversation halted and a tension started building.

Did I hit a nerve? What happened, what’s wrong? I should say something qui–

“I like to run. You know, track and stuff.” Ben said before things built up too much.

“Oh, well that’s fun. What, are you not as fast as you want or something?”

He took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak. Nothing happened though. They were getting closer to the bus stop, and Maya didn’t want things to end awkwardly for the day.

“Actually, do you want to miss a bus?” Maya asked. “There’s a bench by a really pretty stream just past the stop and I really want some more fresh air after being in that dusty room for so long.”

“Sure, that sounds like a good idea.”

The two walked past their stop and another hundred feet or so to sit down on the wooden bench she mentioned. Ben pointed out Maya’s bus approaching but she brushed it off.

“They come by every twenty minutes, it’s not a big deal,” she said. “So running, right? I can’t even jog for a few minutes without needing a break and a gallon of water.”

“Yeah, it’s sorta something I’ve always done since I was a kid. Not really a big deal.” His gaze was aimed at the stream ahead, avoiding eye contact with Maya.

“Were you on a team? Like in high school, or I think we have one here, actually. You might improve a lot if you were looking to get better.”

“I’ve been on a team before, Maya. I’ve just already hit my peak.” He started running his finger over the pattern etched into the bench. “It’s really fine, I still go for runs here and there. I don’t need to be competitive to enjoy it.”

“What do you mean you’ve hit your peak?” Maya asked. “Did you get in an accident or something?”

Ben gave an annoyed sigh. “If you count being trans as an accident, then yeah, you could say that.”

“Oh… right,” Maya whispered. “Sorry, I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.”

“You’re fine, I’ve just had a hard time coming to terms with it all. The fact I’ll never be at my full potential or have a chance to compete at top level, just because of how I was born.” He lifted a wood chip off the ground and chucked it toward the stream. “I don’t know, it just really sucks. Sorry for being rude.”

“Don’t hormones help with that though? I mean you look completely normal, you have muscles and all that.”

“They do help. A lot, really. I can actually compete at lower ranks. But they don’t make everything perfect. A slight tilt of my pelvis and I’m handicapped from the whole thing forever. And don’t get me started on locker room bullshit.”

“I can relate there…” Maya said. “Sorry again, I really am.”

Ben chuckled. “Okay, okay, let’s stop with the apologies. I’m alright, I promise. It’s good to talk with you about trans stuff, my friends seem weirded out whenever I do it.”

“Same, honestly. Well, most of my friends didn’t want to stay friends after I came out, actually. And my co-workers all think I’m cis… I hope.”

“Jeez, that’s terrible.”

The pair sat in silence for a bit, recovering from the personal talk. In the distance, a duck was quacking loudly. Maya could tell it wasn’t her duck friend though. It had a very distinct quack, as if duck accents were a thing.

“I should grab some thrift shop clothes before next class, huh?” Ben broke the silence.

“You don’t have to buy anything, just get something old you don’t care about.”

“I don’t really have that many clothes, to be honest. I don’t want to ruin anything I have.”

Maya stifled a chuckle. Aww, he cares about his baggy jeans and lame shirt. “Ya know, I have a couple old shirts from before I transitioned. I just use them for pottery anyway, you could have one. If you want.”

“Sure, if you think it’ll fit.”

“Don’t worry, I bought them when I had muscle mass, still.”

Ben looked over Maya and started laughing. “You? Muscle mass? I can’t imagine you looking buff, I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t a lot!” Maya blushed. She really didn’t like the idea of him thinking of her as a guy. “I only went to the gym for a couple months before giving up.”

They were interrupted by a couple rain drops hitting their heads. They rushed over to the covered bus stop where a couple other people sat. Maya had no interest in these random people knowing she was trans but Ben’s bus approached before she had to worry about it.

“Hey, I’ll go charge my phone then text you, okay? We’ll talk!” Ben spoke all the way up to the doors of the bus before hopping on and cruising away.

Maya sat daydreaming about him until her bus arrived.

She knew she couldn’t tell Karen about all of the trans stuff, but also didn’t want to get into how anxious she was all of the time. Well, I said I’d tell her something… She focused on the basic parts of the story, leaving out any mention of her or Ben’s secret. Sadly, that meant revealing how much of a nervous wreck she was.

“Damn, you really are a mess, aren’t you?” Karen said. “You should check out a dating app, there’s dozens of ‘em these days.”

“But, I kind of like Ben. Why would I–”

“Not to date people, I’m talking about a confidence boost! You could get a dozen matches before you can blink, I swear.”

Maya thought for a moment, when the ringing of a customer entering the store alerted them.

“Finally, I never thought I’d want to do work around here.” Karen got up and left the break room.

 

The rest of her shift had enough people coming through the store that she didn’t have to think about Karen’s advice. Until she got home. She didn’t have any roommates, not that any would fit in her apartment. The bedroom itself fits her bed, dresser, and… nothing else. Technically a mirror and a calendar though they didn’t require much space. The kitchen and living room were combined into one slightly roomy area, though she had done a poor job of decorating it so far. Forget decorating, she didn’t even have a TV set up. It was nice not having the temptation to be distracted when she was working on homework, but during a moment like this, she yearned for anything to take her mind off of what Karen said. She flopped onto her couch and stared at her phone.

A dating app. Just for confidence. Is that right though? It seems mean to flirt with someone just to feel better about myself, especially on an app designed for people actually connecting. At the same time, so many people use it, would anyone be that upset? I wouldn’t talk to anyone too long. Besides, everyone else does it anyway. And maybe a confidence boost would help me calm down around Ben…

She tried not to think about what she was doing as she downloaded the first dating app she saw on the store. In seconds she was setting up her profile. Location, gender and age preference, hobbies, favorite songs. As soon as she read it she filled in what first popped into her head. This isn’t too bad, actually. I thought it would be harder. Then she got to the final part. About me… About me… What about me do I say? I already told it a bunch of stuff about me, what more could it want? Oh. Right. In the past, she always told herself she would disclose her trans status before going on a real date with anyone. Better to be rejected right away than tell guy after guy, right?

With her trans status now on her profile, she made it public. This is such a ridiculous idea. How long can stealth last when I display me being trans to the whole internet. She decided to take down her profile and delete the app when a message popped up. Oh! That really was fast. Okay Karen, maybe you know what you’re doing. Another one. I guess I should read them, huh.

The first one was a little disappointing, though expected. The classic dick pic. Blocked. Let’s hope the other one is– Maya stared at her phone for a minute.

A simple “kill yourself freak” was all it took for her to delete the app. It wasn’t the first time anyone had said that to her, but it had been a couple of years.

She regretted saying she was trans on the app, she regretted downloading the app, she was starting to regret ever transitioning in the first place.

Sorry Karen, stuff like this isn’t for people like me.