Maya struggled to keep up with the pace Karen had set. The three bags she had weighing her down would be a good excuse, except for the fact that Karen had twice as much to hold and was still walking at double her speed. It was the pair’s first time on a shopping trip, or a girl’s day out as Karen had called it. Maya agreed right away, of course. A way to clear her head? Buy some new clothes? Get some more bonding time with her only female friend? It sounded amazing. And besides, Maya hadn’t been to the mall in this town yet. Though she wished Karen had a shorter stride. Eventually Maya had to admit defeat and stop trying to keep up.

“Karen,” Maya gasped between breaths, “Can I get a second?” She let her bags slump to the floor.

Karen came to a halt and turned back. “Sorry, hun! I forget you’re such a frail little thing!”

Well, at least she heard me… Am I really just a wimp? Is blaming my zero stamina on hormone levels just wishful thinking?

“No no, it’s fine!” Maya started to regain her composure. “Sorry for slowing you down.”

“Oh, don’t worry one bit, sweetie. I’m happy you came to keep me company! My mall trips are usually so lonely.”

Maya nodded and looked around. Empty benches and sad plastic plants formed a line in the middle of the walkway. Every third storefront was locked and abandoned. It had been years since she stepped foot in a mall. Her friends never went to any to hang out and she never had the spending money to go on her own. A small pang of regret hit her, that she never got to see malls in their heyday. They seemed fun! Though to call the whole place a ghost town would be a lie. People passed by often, and clearly they were enough customers to keep the lights on.

With one final deep breath, Maya hefted her bags back up. “Okay, I’m ready. Where to next?”

“So I wanted to head to the bookstore and get a gift for my niece, then I was thinking lunch?”

“Perfect! Where’s the bookstore?” Maya was eager to get to the eating part of their trip.

Karen pointed a few stores ahead of them. “It’s that one right over there!”

Great, now I look like a massive wimp. Couldn’t make it an extra two hundred feet without needing to stop.

The two headed inside and began to wander apart. Karen seemed to have a general idea of what she wanted, while Maya drifted from aisle to aisle.

Maya found herself staring at shelves and shelves lined with autobiographies ranging from the most famous people on earth to nobodies desperate to be famous. It was always a mystery to her who bought those. She walked past the smug celebrity faces toward the cookbooks, which also mystified her. Were people not able to just look up any recipe they wanted to on the internet? She couldn’t tell if she was missing something or if the whole market for them was the less tech savvy older generations.

The young adult fiction section brought back memories of hiding under the covers with a flashlight at 2am in a race to the end before the next school day arrived. The nostalgia made her pause and skim the titles. Most she didn’t recognize, but one or two seemed familiar. It made her happy that some of her favorites as a kid were still kicking.

Maya had felt very isolated as a teen, and as pathetic and backwards as it sounded, reading fantasy stories filled with magic and wonder had kept her grounded in reality. Those stories gave her the perfect escape when everything felt like too much.

But isn’t that selfish? It’s not like nobody cared about me at all. Mom and Dad were always supportive. And Ethan… 

The mystery section. Other than Nancy Drew, she never got into it. She did start a tally of how many book covers used a magnifying glass, though after ten she stopped counting.

Then came romance. Immediately the image of Ben popped into her head. Wait, why Ben? Why not Ethan? After all he was the one who had just asked her out and–

She shook her head. Up next was the section for manga. Maya wasn’t sure what the appeal was. She knew that Ben had talked about it once. Something about his roommate getting him into it. The exact ones he recommended were impossible to remember, probably because the titles were in Japanese, but the entire time he had talked she was just looking into his eyes and thinking about–

Gah! No, stop, bad brain. No more thinking about guys.

Soon she hit the back of the store, where a tiny collection of movies and records were stacked in sloppy piles. But before she could look through them, she heard Karen calling her name. At the front of the store she spotted her waving with another shopping bag added to her collection.

 

The walk to get to the food court was a little more complicated than Maya was hoping for. Karen was back to her usual speed, while the bags were still as heavy as before. The escalator ride up to the second floor was nerve-racking as her hands were too full to hold the safety rail and she was unsteady at the best of times.

Maya started to pick up a whiff of their destination. She didn’t know what it was, and she was sure it wasn’t healthy, yet her mouth started watering all the same. It was obvious that the second floor had all the action. Many more people walked around from shop to shop, and lots of entangled conversations could be heard coming from up ahead.

Maya decided not to rush, allowing Karen to race ahead. She could see the food court from there anyway, it would be difficult to lose sight of her. The sheer amount of options for food was overwhelming. The scents were all mixing around, making Maya realize her stomach was growling. She hadn’t eaten the entire day and the last hour had been a great test of willpower. Chinese food, fried chicken, two places for pizza, hot dogs, some generic fast food places, even ice cream and coffee. For a split second, all of it sounded delicious.

Eh, not hot dogs, that’s gross. And fried chicken is too messy. I had pizza the other day…

Karen had already charged toward the line for Chinese food, putting Maya out of her indecisive misery.

She caught up with her shopping partner and set her bags down.

“So, what did you get for your niece?” Maya asked.

“Some cute little picture book about animals,” Karen said. “She’s three, she’ll love it.”

Maya almost dozed off while they waited in line. Despite there only being a short line ahead of Karen, the past few days had left her exhausted. On top of that, the whole morning with Karen just reminded her of having to run laps in gym class. If she was ever going to fall asleep while standing, it would be then. The line moved forward, causing her to jolt awake and keep moving. Things moved quicker after that, and the two soon had their order numbers and found an empty table to sit at, of which there weren’t many.

Lots of younger people were filling the tables in the food court. Maya had always heard that malls were dying out and obsolete to younger crowds. It was a welcome surprise, though.

She played with her food, regretting her order. It was the first time in years she decided to try something new, so of course she hated it. Little lumps of breaded chicken covered with a weird thick sauce. No noodles in sight either; it was a disaster.

Her bags on the floor next to her caught her eye. She leaned over to peek in them, half from boredom and half from paranoia that something could be missing. Of course, it was all there. Embarrassment struck her as she was reminded of her purchases earlier in the day. A couple of t-shirts, nothing wrong with that. Some new underwear, somewhat uncomfortable but it was nothing crazy. It was the item in her third bag that concerned her.

 

Somehow, Karen had convinced Maya to purchase a lingerie set. The way it went down was fuzzy in her head even though it was only an hour ago. She remembered trying it on and refusing to let Karen see, as much as her friend begged. It already made her feel gross to look at herself, she couldn’t imagine how disgusting it would be for Karen to see her like that.

Part of it was realizing she hadn’t come as far as she thought she had. It wasn’t the first time Maya wore something extra girly. While she tried to keep it a rare occasion, that bridge was crossed and done with when she spent the summer wearing sundresses. Though even that came with difficulties at the start.

All she wanted was to feel attractive. Even if it was just to one person, not feeling like a freak around them would be a dream. But she knew it was frowned upon for someone like her to want that. And she also knew it wasn’t even out of reach. Plenty of trans people were in relationships. In fact she just turned down a chance at one from…

None of that counted. It was impossible to explain why, but it was true. She was gross and unattractive, and Ethan was being deluded by her fake persona. If she had said yes, he would realize what a mistake it was.

 

She returned to reality and glanced down at her food. Sadly, it didn’t look any more appetizing than before.

“Something wrong?” Karen asked between bites.

Ugh, she’ll want to share her food with me if I say I don’t like it. Do I steal food from my friend or lie? Which is worse?

“No, nothing. Just thinking…” Maya said.

“Ah, boy trouble.”

Maya dropped her fork.

“You can’t hide anything from me, girl,” Karen laughed. “I’ve been there and done that, I’m practically a professional. Tell me what’s up.”

“Well…” Maya started. Was she really going to open up? The whole point of the trip was to distract her from her troubles, not confront them. Still, if anyone would be able to help her, it was Karen. Ah, what the hell.

“So remember Ethan?” Maya said. “He sorta asked me out the other day.”

“Ah, that’s great! You two will be so cute togeth–”

“I said no.” Maya interrupted.

Karen tilted her head and set down her chopsticks. “Now why did you do a silly thing like that? You guys have been friends forever, right?”

“Yeah.” Maya started poking and prodding her mushy chicken lumps. “I’m not sure. Maybe I panicked? I just pictured being with him for the rest of my life, and it wasn’t clicking, ya know? Like I think our futures will be too different. We won’t mesh well in the long term… Is that a dumb reason?”

Karen smiled for a moment before responding. “No, Maya. I think that’s a very smart reason. You’re a lot more responsible than I was at your age, that’s for sure.”

That helped. Maya felt better about her decision and comfortable enough to make eye contact again. “Thanks. I’m just worried that he’ll be upset and–”

“Oh, and you have that other boytoy anyway, I’m sure that was a part of your decision.” 

“What?” Maya’s face grew red.

“Yeah, Ben was his name, right? It’s pretty clear he’s the one you’re interested in. Can’t believe I thought you were more responsible than me, that’s a relief.” Karen chuckled to herself and resumed eating.

“That’s not… I didn’t…” Maya stammered. “I’ve only known Ben for a month, it’s not as if I could know him well enough to even want to like him. And I’ve seen him be kinda just straight up rude to some other people in the club. It would be, like, endorsing it if I decided to like him.”

Karen snorted. “Is that how you think liking people works? That you have any say in the matter? Sweetie, surely you’re old enough to have realized by now how wrong that is. None of us know how any of this works. If we did then lonely people wouldn’t exist.”

“Okay. So what if I do like him, what are the odds he likes me back?” Maya asked.

“Oh please. You’re young and cute and pretty, what reason does he have to NOT like you?”

Maya sighed. “I just don’t know…”

Karen took a deep breath and reached her hand out to hold Maya’s. “Here’s what I know. If he hasn’t asked you out yet then he might need a shove. You should make it clear that you like him, okay?”

Maya nodded.

 

***

 

The sound of her fingers tapping on the table was drowned out by her classmates clattering around. It was going to be their first day doing actual pottery and not just planning and learning. Maya had given an old shirt to Ben last week, as promised, and she was nervous to see him in it. Well, not nervous about the shirt as much as him being in it.

She had promised Karen two days prior that she would come clean to Ben about her feelings for him next time she saw him. That was today. But the shirt did give her some worries too. What if it made him picture her pre-transition, as a boy? What if he felt bad about how big it was on him?

Deep breath. Karen said to take a big, deep breath if I started second-guessing myself. Maya inhaled, counted to ten, then exhaled, just as advised. It sort of worked. Her stomach was just as uneasy as before, but her mind had calmed a lot. She did it once more. And again. She kept taking deliberate ten second breaths until she felt completely at ease.

Ben entered the room in the corner of her vision. The nerves came back, though not as strong as before. She made a mental note to thank Karen for her technique. He was wearing it. The shirt she gave him, the shirt she used to own. Just a boring gray t-shirt with a yellow smiley face on it. A favorite of hers for lounging around the house. Giving it to him made her feel like she was sharing a private, comfortable part of her life with him. It made her happy.

“Hey!” Ben said and sat next to her. “Today is clay day! Hope you’re ready to spend the whole class teaching me what to do.”

Maya giggled. That was what she was hoping for. A whole class of spending time with him, talking with him, having fun making shitty clay pots. It sounded too good to be true.

“And don’t get me wrong,” Ben said. “I appreciate you giving me this shirt, but did you have to douse it in perfume?”

“Huh? I didn’t…”

“It smells like a flower shop. I’m pretty sure a blind guy on the bus thought I was a seventy year old woman. Not exactly the vibe I’m trying to give off.”

“Oh, sorry about that.” Maya blushed. It was true that she used some extra laundry detergent when washing the shirt for him. She didn’t want him to think it was gross if it smelled like her! Though she obviously overdid it.

“So…” Ben looked around the room at the other students gathering materials. “What are we supposed to be doing?”

“Oh!” Maya stood up. “We need to get out clay and a dish for water.”

“Ah, of course. Lead the way!” He stood up and moved close to her.

Maya did a silent ten-second breath to try and prevent herself from blushing. Although she couldn’t see her own face to check, she was hopeful. She walked over to the cabinets and grabbed two lumps of clay she tucked under her arm, and two empty bowls which she handed to Ben. He quickly filled them at the sink and reported back to Maya for his next assignment. Finally she remembered they would need string and had Ben grab that too. Once they had everything, they met at the potter’s wheels where they would be sitting. Luckily the class was small, and each student could use one at the same time. It was also lucky that two were open next to each other, since Maya and Ben were the last two not at one already.

“Okay,” Maya slapped her clay blob down on the wheel. “First, slam that shit down.”

Ben mimicked her and tossed his clay down. “Like this?”

“Perfect.” She could see a passionate look in his eyes and wondered if he was just as excited as she was. “Now, put your foot on that pedal but don’t press down on it yet, okay?”

Ben looked down to find the pedal she had mentioned and hovered his foot above it. He mimed the action of stomping on it, stopping just an inch away.

“So funny.” Maya rolled her eyes. “Anyway, once you step on that the wheel will start spinning, and you’ll have to deal with the mess that comes with that.”

“Right, and that’s why I have to wear your old shirt? Ya know, it’s normally the other way around.”

“What?” Maya said, perplexed.

“Nevermind, what do I do next!” Ben whined.

Maya sat at her own wheel and began to instruct. “Okay. Lightly press down on the pedal.” She also did as she instructed, and both of their wheels began to slowly spin. “Now get your hands wet and start to form your clay into a circle.” Her hands splashed around in her bowl before moving to her clay. She was too focused to see what Ben was doing. The lack of any loud crashes was a good sign though.

“It’s already a circle.” Ben said.

“A better circle!” Maya raised her voice, still not looking his way. “Don’t be afraid to push down a little hard. It’s good if you compact it a bit.”

After Maya was satisfied with hers, she looked over to Ben’s wheel. It wasn’t as neat as hers, of course. Nevertheless, it wasn’t too bad considering he had never done this before. She watched him for a few seconds before moving on to their next step.

“Alright, that looks good!” Maya turned her attention back to her own clay. “Now we’re going to squeeze it kinda, and make it taller. So push down on your pedal a little more to speed up.”

She heard Ben’s wheel whir louder than hers then slow down to an appropriate pace. He’s such a dork.

Maya steadied her clay, and hoped Ben was watching and copying her as she rose it up and down to ready it for molding. The first time she used the wheel it was a mess, so she wasn’t expecting much from him today. Still, she wanted to help him the best she could. At the very least they were making a memory together.

“Uhh, we have a problem.” Ben said.

Maya looked over and had to stop herself from laughing. There was very little clay on Ben’s wheel, yet a large amount built up on his hands, shirt, and a couple bits on his face. The sight of it amused her to the point she nearly forgot to help him.

“Stop your wheel!” She said while pointing to his foot.

Ben lifted his foot entirely off the pedal and the wheel slowly came to a halt. He looked at Maya and held up his clay-caked hands. “Was that not supposed to happen?”

“Not exactly.” Maya stopped her own wheel and stood next to him. “It looks better if you keep it on the wheel.”

He smirked for a second then looked down at his chest. “At least he’s still happy.” The yellow face printed on his shirt, despite being covered in flecks of clay, remained smiling.

“Here, go wipe that clay off while I get you another lump to start over with.” Maya pointed him toward the paper towel.

Maya helped him reset his station and get ready for another attempt. The other students in the room, and even the instructor, didn’t seem to pay them much attention. They were having just as many difficulties with shaping their projects.

After Ben was seated and back at the first step Maya decided to stay near him and watch over his second try. The start went as well as last time, with him wetting the clay and getting the very base shape correct. She just had to intervene at the right time, before it could all turn into a goopy mess.

“Okay, so this time go slower when you start raising it, and if I say stop then take your hands away immediately, got it?” Maya asked.

Ben nodded and sped up his wheel, this time more steady. A good starting point, but Maya instantly noticed the issue. Both of his hands were essentially choking the clay in an attempt to get it up.

“Stop!”

As promised, Ben’s hands shot away from the wheel. He looked at her, “Already? What was wrong?”

“Too much force. You should do most of the work with just one hand and use the other to guide things along. Try it like that.”

Once again Ben nodded. This time his left hand stayed on the clay, while his right just lingered over it. Maya was impressed at the fast adjustment. His pile was much neater than his first time around.

“Okay, okay, stop again.” Maya said.

Ben sighed, though with a smile on his face. “Why do I get the sense this is harder for you than it is for me?”

Maya looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath. “Can I just, like, show you first?” She asked.

“Sure, but I’m more of a hands-on learner if I’m being honest.” He started to stand up from his seat when Maya put a hand on his shoulder.

“Perfect.” She guided him back down into his chair and sat behind him. Her palms slid over his arms and stopped on the back of his hands. Gently guiding them to the clay, she rested her head on his shoulder to get a proper view. “Is this okay?”

Ben didn’t respond. In fact, his arms had locked up and Maya found it harder to move them than she anticipated.

“Are you good? Ben?” Maya asked. Her mouth was right next to his ear. She made sure her voice was soft so as to not startle him.

He started to move again, and his arms unfroze. “Yeah!” He cleared his throat a couple of times before speaking again. “Yeah, sorry, I'm just uhh… trying to get focused.”

Maya shrugged it off and went back to steering his hands toward his clay. She was careful to make sure it was still his hand doing the sculpting and that he could continue this when she left.

“It’s like this,” she said. “You just prevent the clay from being where your hand is, and slowly but surely it has to go where you want.” Her eyes honed in on the cylinder they were making. She planned to give more instructions but they seemed to hit a stride where she could perfectly get Ben’s hands to do whatever she nudged them toward. As strange as it sounded, it was actually easier using his hands. His hands…

Maya stopped breathing. Here she was, holding onto Ben, the very guy she intended to confess to later that day. Darting her eyes to the side, she realized that his face was an inch away from hers. Was he looking back at her? She flicked her eyes back to their hands. Her stomach was beginning to toss around as the whole situation became clear.

How do I get out of this? How do I fix this? What was I thinking? He thinks I’m some sort of molester now, he probably feels like a prisoner. Maya’s brain presented her with a dozen reasons she was a freak for getting herself into her current predicament.

“You know,” Ben said, bringing Maya back to reality, “I wasn’t getting it before, but now with your tits pressed into my back, I think I’m getting the hang of it!”

Maya let go of his arms and took a massive step backward.

“I’m really sorry!” She blurted out. Her hands fell to her sides trembling, while her stomach started jumping around inside her.

“I was just joking, I didn’t mean to freak you out.” Ben stopped his wheel and stood to face her. “It was helping, I swear, you’re good at this!”

“Right. Well you probably can handle it from here, yeah?” Maya said as she inched back to her station.

“Uhh, I guess so. It really wasn’t that weird, sorry if my joke went too far.”

“No! No, it was funny! It was…good. I just, umm, need to work on mine, right? Gotta balance it.” Maya made it to her wheel and reclaimed her seat. She refused to look at Ben as she put all of her attention into her clay.

Without Maya helping him, Ben looked just as lost as before when he tried to resume working. She didn’t see what he was making, but from all the swearing it seemed doubtful he was happy with it.

Maya did her best to ignore and forget what she had just done. Her clay was coming along well. It looked sloppier than the one she was making with Ben but, after looking at other students, she assumed it was still one of the best in the room. She opened it up to start getting it into the vase shape she planned on from the beginning. Her hands still trembling made it harder than she remembered.

Why. Why why why. How do I keep making such awful decisions around him, I can’t stop making a fool of myself. As her thoughts spiraled, her vase started to look more wobbly. She took another deep breath as Karen had taught her. Ten seconds. Immediately, her hands returned to normal and she corrected her misshapen clay.

“Everyone!” Maya almost jumped at the sound of their instructor’s voice. Elise in a new radioactive shade of red lipstick was standing in the center of the room, looking around to make sure people were listening. “We have five minutes left, so I’m going to recommend you stop your wheels and cut your clay! You each have a named place on the drying rack to set your piece.” She pointed to a wire shelf on the opposite side of the room. “Good job, everyone! Lots of good progress for your first time! See you all next week!”

Maya felt good about her vase, or at least good enough to call it a day and mark it down as a warm-up. She slowed her wheel to a halt and grabbed the piece of string she prepared before. While her goal was to avoid any eye contact with Ben, she did catch a glimpse of what he had created in her absence.

At Ben’s station there sat a warped, slightly squashed, soaking wet mug. Though calling it a mug was generous. Maya comfortably predicted nobody would ever volunteer to drink from that thing. She felt responsible, seeing how great things were going before she left him.

How am I supposed to tell him I like him after reacting like that? I bet he’s convinced I hate him now. She refocused on her vase and used the string to cut it free from the wheel.

Out of the corner of her eye she could see Ben grab his string and start attempting the same maneuver. But instead of a tight, precise cut he somehow got it wrapped around his mug and pulled each end tight. The result was his mug falling on its side after the uneven cut, making an even more deformed finish.

Maya regretted not helping him further. Today was supposed to be a good memory, where they could have fun together, and end with–

“Sorry I was weird.” Maya said without thinking. “Next week I’ll be normal, I promise.” She looked at his mug and frowned. “And I’ll make sure you don’t make something like that again.”

“Is it that bad?” Ben inspected his own work.

Maya laughed, and he did too. She was grateful that her little outburst hadn’t ruined their chemistry.

“No! It’s not bad, it's just…” Maya tilted her head from side to side while thinking of the right word. “It seems like it would be a little hard to drink out of? Most mugs have a circular rim.”

“Mug? It was supposed to be a bowl…” Ben smirked.

That gave Maya a bigger laugh than before. “I wouldn’t tell the instructor that, assuming you want a half-decent grade.”

“Hey, I just need to pass.”

“Don’t worry you definitely pass.” It was Maya’s turn to smirk after she spoke.

“A passing grade, idiot.” Ben shook his head and grabbed his wonky mug-bowl.

The two took their pieces to the drying rack, setting them where their names were labeled by the instructor. Maya pulled at Ben’s shirt to stop him once she noticed he was aimed toward the door.

“You should wash all that clay off of your face first.” Maya told him.

Ben clicked his tongue as he headed to the sink. “It’s on my face? Is that why you’ve been looking at me funny?”

Maya nervously laughed. Was I actually looking at him weird? No, he’s just teasing. Yeah. Right? Am I that easy to read? If that’s the case, he must know I like him already. He's just messing with me. I’m so dumb, it’s so obvious, I can’t believe I–

“Alright, wanna get some lunch? I haven’t eaten in like two hours.” Ben said.

“Yeah! Sure, I’m sort of hungry too.” Maya shoved what she was just thinking into the back of her mind. “But maybe we should change first?”

Ben looked down at their shirts, both covered in flaky gray spots. “Nah, if anyone asks we’ll say it’s a new trend.”

Maya giggled. “Okay! Let’s get tacos, maybe?” She loved the confidence that Ben gave her. Just being around him stopped her from caring what strangers might be thinking about her. Of course, that made the thought of confessing to him that much scarier. Did she want to risk losing her invulnerability? Was it worth it?

“Yeah, why not? We’re already messy.” Ben opened the door and gestured for Maya to go ahead. “Ladies first.” He bowed his head as she walked by.

“Oh, such a gentleman. You’re gonna be buying my meal too, I assume?” she asked.

Ben passed through the door himself and caught up to Maya, who had just kept walking. “Sorry, I only allow myself one gentlemanly act per day. Don’t want to set anyone’s expectations too high.”

The taco place was a fifteen minute walk from their pottery class, giving Maya a narrow window to work up some courage and tell Ben what she wanted. She went through it a hundred times in her head since her talk with Karen at the mall.

First, I make sure the vibe is okay and we’re both feeling good. Check. Second, make sure we’re alone. Check. And lastly, I tell him how he makes me feel… But I can wait until we get food! Yeah, it would be weird if he turned me down and then we had to change lunch plans. Let’s wait.

The air was cooler than the weeks prior. The transition from short-sleeves to jackets was approaching quickly, and while Maya usually carried her jacket with her, she didn’t that day to avoid any clay stains. Ben must have noticed her slight shivers, as he slid closer to her after a few seconds of being outside. That, or he was also cold and seeking some extra heat.

“Hope the weather is nice enough for the activities fair.” Ben said.

Maya hummed in agreement. “Imagine if we finish our project and then the whole thing gets canceled. Would be such a waste of time.”

“We would still have a cool little art piece, though. And the time we spent making it has been fun. So not a total waste.”

Maya looked away to hide her blushing. It’s almost time. We’ll eat, and then I’ll tell him.

She could picture it perfectly in her mind. The crumpled napkins and sticky table, the hot sauce still lingering on her tongue. Ben would get up to throw away his garbage and Maya would follow him. They would head outside to say goodbye and that’s when she would… She would choke. She would take too long, he would go home without her having said anything. It would repeat the next time she tried too. Karen would lose patience with her after the fourth time it happened and Ben might move on and–

“Hey, Ben?” Maya said. She was still looking to the side.

“Yeah?”

This isn’t the plan, this was NOT the plan. I’m sewing my mouth shut as soon as I get home, it doesn’t deserve to keep working after this. Despite her brain’s first instinct to look for a way out, she pressed on. It had to be that moment, she was sure of it. She turned back toward Ben, who was now watching her closely.

“Ben,” she stopped walking. Luckily she couldn’t see herself at that moment, the way her cheeks were burning up, her entire face was probably a deep scarlet.

“Yup, that’s my name.” He stopped walking as well. “Are you feeling okay?” He raised the back of his hand to her forehead, but she stopped his wrist before he made contact.

“Ben, I like you.” Her stomach felt like it was trying to fly up through her throat. “And I want to… date you.” Although she felt like a child with her phrasing, it was out there now. She couldn’t take it back.

Ben let out a long sigh. “Are you kidding me?”

Maya started to panic. Well, she had been panicking all day, the difference was the severity. Now her legs felt numb and her vision blurred. I knew it was a mistake. Karen doesn’t know anything, how did I let her talk me into this? It’s over. We’re not getting tacos, we’re not finishing our project, we’re probably never speaking again.

“I was going to wait until after the activities fair to say anything.” Ben said. “I like you too. A lot.” He smiled softly, different to the cocky smirk that Maya was used to seeing.

Maya was stunned. More than stunned, she was frozen entirely in both space and time. It may have been the highest volume of thoughts and emotions she ever had racing through her head before. She knew she had to respond, but couldn’t find a way to make herself speak.

I did it. Things will be perfect now. I’m not a freak. Karen will be so proud. Best day of my life. He looks so cute when he’s being sincere. Are we still getting tacos? I can’t believe he actually likes me back. Nothing is ruined. He was just waiting to tell me at–

“Wait,” Maya snapped out of her trance. “You were going to make me wait three more weeks before telling me?”

“Well, yeah. I didn’t want to make things weird before our project was done.”

As much as she wanted to be annoyed, the feeling evaporated when she saw the joy in his eyes. Besides, how was he supposed to know the stress she was going through? And he liked her. That’s what mattered to her, there was no point in caring about the specifics of it all.

“Do you think you could let go of me, now?” Ben asked.

Maya looked at her hand that was still clenching his wrist and promptly dropped it.

“Sorry about that…”

Ben laughed. “No, it was cute, I was just starting to lose circulation.”

She found it hard to stop smiling. Every pessimistic thought she had over the past month was deleted from her head. Her stomach was now perfectly tame, maybe the best it had felt in years. It was hard to look away from him. Nothing else could be more important, so why bother? As long as he kept smiling, there was no reason to move.

A dried bit of clay on the corner of his mouth did seem uncomfortable, though. Without thinking she reached up to pick it off. Her face moved closer to his as she used her fingernail to get under it and pry it away.

Once more, Ben laughed. For the second time that day, her face was right next to his. But things were different this time, right?

“Sorry again.” Maya’s confidence wavered. “I should probably learn some personal space boundaries.”

“Don’t worry,” Ben said. “It makes it easier to do this.”

Without a moment for her to panic, overanalyze, or even think, he kissed her. His lips were on hers and she loved it. The cold was gone entirely, replaced by the warmth of his kiss. Her nose brushed against his as she returned the kiss and pressed into him. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. She wasn’t sure if he intended for this to be a quick peck or not, but she was making sure it lasted longer.

The longer the kiss went on the more Maya was sure it needed to keep going. Her lips parted more, leaned into him harder, and she absolutely didn’t care that they were on the sidewalk where a few people must have seen them by now.

Ben wasn’t phased at all, he met each of Maya’s movements with a perfect reply. When her arms went to his neck, his hands went to her waist. As she put weight on him, he held her steady. The moment her lips parted he did the same.

Then Maya’s stomach grumbled.

Oh fuck off. She was fully intent on ignoring her body’s betrayal when Ben started to stir.

He pulled away from the kiss, much to Maya’s dismay. “We should probably get those tacos we were talking about.”

Maya caught her breath for a moment before replying, not realizing how fast her heart had started beating. “Yeah… I guess.”

“That wasn’t your first kiss, right?” Ben asked.

“What? No! Why? Was I bad?” Maya looked at him, expecting the worst.

“Not at all, just checking. What about me, was I bad?”

“Hmm, not sure.” Maya grinned. “Might have to see a few more attempts before I make a decision.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Let’s get some food, that just made me realize how hungry I am.”

Maya giggled, and clung to his arm as they started walking again.