I couldn’t believe my eyes for a moment. I blinked, once. Twice. Thrice. Still she was there, her eyes staring right into my soul. Erica and Aubrey looked like two deer in headlights as they turned between the two of us, and I quickly realized that this was the new girl they mentioned. I suddenly felt incredibly self conscious of everything I was wearing and doing. Here I was in a baggy sweater and my pajamas, my hair a barely held together mess, while Luna still looked immaculate despite having just spent her morning moving.

Our silence was cut off by Aubrey roughly pulling Luna into our living room and quickly shutting the door behind her. “Alright! So Luna, Kara, Kara, Luna. Sorry, girl, we tried to keep it quiet.” Aubrey looked genuinely frustrated with herself for failing at keeping my secret, even though it wasn’t her fault, and frankly her calling me ‘girl’ more than outweighed any blame she might have had in my book. 

Luna looked between us and nodded to herself, as if that introduction answered all of her questions. What did they tell her? Obviously not the truth, but with how nonchalantly Luna was taking this it almost seemed like she’d expected this outcome. Did she? She always gave off the impression that she took me at my word when I said I was cis, as evidenced by how hard she put down the discussion or arguments about my ‘egginess’, but the look on her face told a different story.

“So, Kara? How’d you pick out that name?” Luna seemed awkward as she spoke, like she was unsure of where she wanted to go with the subject. I felt so guilty for making her feel that way, but it wasn’t like I had a choice. I just never knew how to come out, and I was hoping I could have gotten more than a handful of days since my realization before being forced out of the closet to anyone.

And then the way she was just casually trying, like she didn’t have the right to call me out for not telling her. She was my best friend, and trans herself, she had deserved to know before anyone else. She deserved a friend who could be open and honest with her, a friend who wouldn’t give radio silence for days without even giving a reason. 

“It just kinda fit, I guess. I’m trying it out, but I like it. It feels, well, it feels way better than…” My voice died in my throat. In the few days since I came out to myself I realized I couldn’t stand my old name. Saying it was practically impossible, and hearing it in reference to me hurt like hell. Mom called two days after I hatched, and I barely held myself together long enough to end the call once she called my by the name that so utterly wasn’t mine.

“Way better than the other one, I gotcha. That’s normal.” Luna didn’t move from her spot, and I could tell from her softened voice that she was trying to comfort me. She was always good at doing that back when I had regular panic attacks. “I should have known such a cute girl would pop out eventually. Your hair could use a bit of a touch up, and some makeup would make those beautiful eyes of yours shine, but I’m so glad that the pretty girl hiding inside of you finally got to come out.”

I blushed, and the dark voices in the back of my head screamed that I was being mocked or shown pity. I hadn’t even done anything yet, it had only been a few days, what did she mean? Almost everyone else in my life saw the boy that I obviously looked like, so why would she even pretend otherwise?

“Oh, and that blush. Seriously, where have you been all these years?” My worst thoughts didn’t want to believe the words that left her mouth, but she sounded so pure and genuine. They screamed that she was just pitying me, that she was a liar trying to make me feel better about my disgusting form. Maybe she was, but a growing part of me clung to the belief that every word that came out of her mouth was pulled right out of her heart. 

“Thank you…” I barely let out, not wanting the wrongness of my voice to cause me to spiral again. It was almost androgynous-sounding and therefore tolerable, but every word still bit at me piece by piece, slowly tearing apart the weak wall holding back my dysphoria. My feeble attempts at voice training had caused me to break down every day, but I knew that if I didn’t bother trying at all, I’d just feel worse at the end of it all.

It was then that Aubrey and Erica finally decided to change the subject, thankfully. I didn’t know how much longer I could take Luna’s compliments or the sound of my voice. Erica spoke first, her awkward attempt to interrupt things obvious but appreciated: “So now that we’ve all gotten reacquainted, how about a movie? There’s this lesbian superhero movie that just came out, and Aubrey’s been waiting for weeks to watch it.” 

Luna looked like she wanted to continue our conversation, but she didn’t argue with the attempt at ending the subject. I took a seat on the floor in front of the couch so Erica and Aubrey could have it to themselves, and Luna took a spot right next to me. I felt an odd blush creep up my cheeks at the closeness to my friend, but the discomfort my body made me feel was more than enough to outweigh whatever emotion was causing me to feel that way. 

I only needed to last two more weeks. My first visit with a gender therapist was scheduled, and once she gave her approval I was going to a body repair clinic and starting my transition. Some might have called that turnaround too quick, but even the handful of days I had been stuck aware of how utterly male my body was were too much. I was terrified of the looming classes, and how I was going to have to present male for each of them. I desperately needed more time to stay hidden in my room, being called my actual name. 

I probably would have spent more time being overcome by my own thoughts, but a massive bowl of popcorn being placed in front of me brought me back to reality instantly. It smelled amazing, and it took most of my self control to keep from chomping down on half the bowl while Erica set up the movie. Some might have called it weird, but popcorn was probably my favorite food, period. If it were possible to live off of nothing but varieties of popcorn, I wouldn’t even take a moment to hesitate before replacing my entire pantry with hundreds of popcorn flavors.

I kept my self control and didn’t even touch the delicious heaven-sent snack as Erica set things up, but the moment the intro credits appeared on screen I was consuming the food in front of me. I found myself blushing again as Luna giggled at my antics, and for a moment it was as if we were both kids watching our favorite movies in her living room. I almost felt envious of the ignorant kids that we were, but that thought went out the window when I remembered how much turmoil Luna was in back then. 

Thank goodness she was able to grow into the amazing woman who sat next to me. I couldn’t have imagined her any other way, especially knowing how happy she became without her mom’s influence in her life. Her dads were so good for her, I couldn’t believe there were ever people who questioned their validity as parents or her right to be herself. Anyone who met that family could easily see how absurd it would be to tear them apart. 

“Oi. Kara, movie.” I felt Luna poke me in the side, and found her pouting at me. I easily could’ve gotten used to her saying my name, it felt so right. At first I thought Kara was just a placeholder, but each time Luna said it I felt more and more confident in my choice. 

Another poke set me back on the right track, and I focused my attention on the movie.

I tried to enjoy it, especially since it was supposedly a superhero story with a lesbian main character, but I very quickly lost interest in the film. The camera angles were too obviously made with intent to sexualize the lead women, and with every line it became more and more obvious that this movie was written by some out of touch man with no understanding of how to write real, live women. I always hated movies that tried showing women as nothing more than sex objects to just barely give the most vague idea of a character, and the movie in front of me very quickly proved that it was no exception.

Before I knew it, my eyes were falling back to Luna. She had a look like she was getting more and more frustrated with the movie with each passing second. I wanted to make a snarky comment to make her feel better, but stopped myself before my mouth opened. I didn’t want to bother Erica or Aubrey’s experiences in case they were enjoying it. 

Instead, I grabbed a single flake of popcorn and held it in front of her mouth, just like we did when we were little. I caught a look in her eyes as they met mine, one I had no idea how to interpret, before she ate the flake. I thought that was that, but the smile she gave me in return was enough to cause heat to rise up my face. I turned away before she could see me blush, but I had no idea why her smile was making me feel anything beyond my normal feelings.

Thankfully the movie was in the middle of its climax, giving me a special effects heavy distraction from the odd thoughts disrupting me. I focused on the heroine as she blasted through dozens of faceless robots with ease. It was flashy, full of what seemed like unnecessary cuts, and so boring. Maybe it was because I barely paid enough attention to care about the situation, but it felt like there was no tension at all. I was sure she was going to win, the villain was going to be stopped without cost, and the last scene would be the heroine and her girlfriend holding hands.

I was almost right. The heroine ended up getting hurt badly by the villain, to the point of being hospitalized, but everything else I guessed was on point. The final scene’s music score was good, but overall it was a single bright spot on an overall not too enjoyable movie. 

The credits were barely rolling before I heard a long sigh from Aubrey, and found everyone sharing a similarly disappointed expression. “That was not at all what I had hoped for.” Aubrey was the first to speak, and I immediately found myself nodding at her words.

“They didn’t kiss! Or even call each other girlfriends! Not once! How the fuck is that a… Ugh! Vague subtext isn’t representation!” Oh, Erica wasn’t disappointed. She was pissed. I couldn’t remember the last time she was so angry, if I’d ever known her to be so upset. I didn’t want to be afraid, I knew she was my friend and that her anger wasn’t directed at me, but it was always terrifying to hear the people I cared about upset. “Seriously, this is how they are expressing gay representation? Anyone could write them off as just ‘really good friends’, and nothing but their promise that Venus is their first openly gay character can be used to prove that! What fucking cowards.” 

I didn’t realize I was shaking, but as soon as I noticed I felt Luna’s hand take mine. That didn’t exactly stop me from shaking or being afraid of Erica’s fury, but the warmth I felt from our intertwined fingers was more than enough to at least keep me stable.

It didn’t take long for Erica to calm down, thanks in no small part to Aubrey ordering some pizza and setting up Erica’s favorite movie, Mulan. Not the remake, the original animated version. I slowly overcame my fear as time passed, and before I knew it almost felt relaxed. I eventually laid my head down on Luna’s shoulder as I’ll Make a Man Out of You played in the background, and eventually fell into a wonderfully calming sleep.