Iceland 3: Antithesis
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“I need to talk to Dana.”

 

That might not be the worst idea.

 

They stood on the corner of the street, wearing clothes that were entirely too large. They were, after all, clothes that had been bought for a much more masculine shape. He--... no that didn’t fit. Couldn’t call himself a He looking like this. 

 

I can take care of that for you. Give you your shape back. Having you look like this was just a refl--

 

“NO! … No, no I… I want to… make sure I don’t forget anything. I don’t know if… if I’ll remember what I want to say I… I need to make sure I feel everything correctly.”

 

Mmm-hmmm.

 

They didn’t say anything else, just got their phone out of their pocket. Tried to unlock it with a finger print that was someone else’s and resorted to using the pin code. It’d been a while.

 

“Do I… call her?”

 

And say what? 

 

“Can… can you change… just my voice? For a second, and then turn it back?”

 

Of course.

 

Their finger hovered over the dial button. It had never been an easy one to press but it seemed like an almost insurmountable obstacle right now. Everything was happening, too much, too fast. They were overwhelmed and they needed… stability. A voice of reason. Someone to guide them through this, a nugget of wisdom. Anything to make sense of this. Someone to validate their new reality. The alternative was that they’d gone insane, and that was unacceptable. They pushed. The dial tone went on for longer than they were comfortable with, but their therapist finally picked up.

 

“H--... hey Dana?”

 

They’d forgotten just how aggressively low their voice was. God, how could anyone stand to listen to them? Let alone be in a room with them for any extent of time? They’d said two words and already wanted to take a cheese grater to their brain, it was infuriating. 

 

“Marcus, I wasn’t expecting to hear from you so soon.” 

 

They felt Penumbra strain, as soon as Dana had said their name. Not quite sure why, it was their name after all. But they felt a pang of annoyance, fear… a whole cocktail of unpleasant emotions at the use of it. It wasn’t right with how they looked. Right now. So once they’d gotten it all out and they’d change back, the name would feel normal again. Obviously.

 

“Doctor Miller I… I had an accident. I need… I think I need to see you. Urgently.”

 

They heard a slight gasp on the other side of the line. They felt bad about worrying Dana but, to be entirely fair, they did get hit by a truck. That was some form of emergency, surely. Even if they could walk perfectly fine just hours later. 

 

“Oh my word, Marcus, yes, I-- Hold on, one moment.”

 

There was a rustling. Again, the name seemed ill-fitting. Penumbra didn’t offer any advice, but they felt Penny was listening intently.

 

“Do you have some free time in half an hour? I have a gap in my schedule if you need me to.”

 

They nodded.

 

“I’ll see you there, Doctor.”

 

The walk there was uncomfortable, to say the least. People stared at them, what they thought was a woman wearing the clothes of someone quite a bit heavier than her. She looked out of place, people noticed. That she was holding the boots of someone with feet that might well be twice her own size didn’t help. It was quite the walk of shame. 

 

What will you do when you get there?

 

“I’ll… think of something. She’ll listen. Dana’s good.”

 

Dana is good, Penumbra agreed.

 

Finally at the door, they hesitated. 

 

You’ve come this far.

 

That was true. They rang the bell. Dana opened, confused at the sight of the befuddled and frumpy girl in front of her. 

 

“Can I help you? I’m waiting for an important client right n--”

 

“Marcus sent me.”

 

That cut her off. They felt like shit for interrupting Dana like this but right now she mostly just wanted to get off the street, get somewhere safe, inside, familiar. At least the voice fit the face again. That had felt really weird and uncomfortable. The Doctor eyed her with suspicion, but she wasn’t willing to take a risk with a patient.

 

“You’re aware I can’t discuss anyth--”

 

“I know, Dan-- Doctor. He just asked that I speak to you first, and he’ll be here shortly.”

 

Dana hesitated for a moment, then looked at her clothes. They saw that Dana recognized them. They gritted their teeth. This probably looked like something… very different. Once inside, Dana guided them to the sitting room. They pretended not to know the way.

 

“Why did Marcus send you ahead? I thought he mentioned being able to make it.”

 

They swallowed. 

 

“He… had an accident. I to--... I think he told you. He wanted me to… prepare you…”

 

“What’s your name, if I might ask?”

 

“Zoe.”

 

That came out quick. It really fit the shape of their body, though. Zoe just fit a woman’s body and a woman’s face and a woman’s voice. It wouldn’t make sense for a man’s name to come out of their mouth.

 

“And you’re a friend of Marcus?”

 

“Y-es. We’re… close. Listen I…”

 

“What’s wrong, Zoe? What happened to Marcus that he had to send someone to prepare him? I’ve seen a lot of things in my life I’m sure I--”

 

That’s about as long as they managed, really. They broke down. Dana was deeply confused. They guided the weeping girl to the sofa.

 

“What happened, Zoe? What’s going on with Marcus?”

 

They sniffled.

 

“I-- It’s me, Doctor. I’m Marcus.”

 

Dana recoiled in shock, then pulled up her nose.

 

“This isn’t funny, Zoe, if that’s even your name. I’ve been treating Marcus for a long ti--”

 

They frantically thought of a way to explain, to prove it, now that the cat was out of the bag. 

 

“Penny!”

 

Dana froze.

 

“He… told you about Penumbra? That’s…”

 

They weren’t listening. They were listening to someone else.

 

Yes?

 

“Can you come out? I need--”

 

“What do you mean, come out? I’m not sure…”

 

“She wasn’t talking to you, Doctor Miller.

 

Dana was completely taken aback, now. That voice was… most definitely not the voice the woman had had just a moment previously, so it was normal that she’d be confused. 

 

“Zoe… are you Penny?”

 

“I think you’re confused, Doctor.”


Penumbra stood up. 

 

“This body belongs to the person you know as Marcus. ‘Zoe’ is a name… they chose to go with the recent… changes.”

 

Slowly, a dark, purple-ish material leaked out of the body’s eyes. Dana sat frozen in abject terror on her couch. Fight, Flight or Freeze had kicked in and in a previous life, Doctor Miller would have been a deer in headlights. The substance expanded to cover not just the face, but their entire body, and Penumbra stretched to their full length. Tall. Amazonian. A mawful of teeth and two milky white eyes. 

 

“Good to meet you, Dana Miller. I believe you’ve heard a lot about me. My name is Penumbra.”

 

Dana Miller, of course, screamed.

 

---

 

Malice didn’t run. Running was something animals and people did when they wanted to get from one place to another quickly. It was a way of moving with the least possible amount of resistance. 

Malice, however, didn’t run. Malice rampaged. They moved across the northern US border, slaughtering wildlife and unlucky travellers alike. They uprooted trees and houses along its path, a creature of blind rage. Their plans had been thwarted, and They were going to take it out on anything and anyone in their way. The seedling would be found, it would be torn apart and would finally fulfill its role. 

And if that failed, Malice thought, they would devour every living creature on this planet and find a new way to go forward. But that seedling had better be there. 

 

When they rested, in a treetop, a cottage they had “emptied”, or a cave hastily abandoned by local wildlife, they had begun to wake up their host. After a few times, they had gotten her to stop screaming. The screaming was loud and annoying, but they weren’t going to let her know that. She might scream just to spite them, and they hated the screaming so damn much. 

 

They had started talking to her, explaining to her what they’d do to her planet. Whenever she screamed, they turned her off, like a malfunctioning radio. After a while, she listened, listened to the stories of conquest. Malice had been a conqueror. A devourer. They had sent seedlings out into the universe and used them to conquer entire planets, entire systems. Their seedlings like unborn children, spread across the galaxy like a bomb requiring only activation, like a plague needing only a vector. 

 

They took great pleasure in her horror, fed on it. Malice realized, after a while, that her fear and horror was nourishing. Not to the degree of physical food, but it could probably sustain them if it was needed. They shuffled this knowledge away for a later date. The day they realized this, life for Melanie got a lot worse. They kept her awake, a helpless observer, looking out of Malice’s eyes as they conducted their symphony of horrors on others. Her pain was delicious. It almost made them forget about the seedling. 

 

But not quite. 

 

Malice moved, inexorably, to the coast.

 

---

 

Just like that, Penny retreated. Dana petered out like a trumpet player running out of wind. Her mind was about to either bend or snap, where Penumbra had chucked a new reality at it. They sat down.

 

“You… saw that, right? Penumbra is real, right?”

 

Even now, they were questioning their own sanity. It was only natural. It was entirely possible they’d just made a creepy face, maybe? 

 

Don’t hedge your sanity on the approval of a single person.

 

“You’re literally a voice in my head.”

 

“W-- what?” Dana looked confused.

 

“Sorry, nothing. I mean, not you. Penumbra.”

 

“I-- it’s inside you? Now?”

 

They felt Penumbra roll their eyes internally. They didn’t like being referred to as “it”. I’m a person, thanks.

 

“Yeah. I think it has been the entire time. Since shortly before our first sessions.”

 

“Marcus? I-- it can’t be you, can it? How…”

 

“I… don’t really understand myself. I was… in an accident. Penumbra has the power to… heal me? But they accidentally healed me based on… a woman from TV?”

 

“What woman?”

 

Maxine. There was the idea of a wistful sigh.

 

“Their old host. The first person they bonded with.”

 

“But… if they can change you… why not make you look like, well… Marcus again?”

 

There was a pause that hung in the air like a glass knocked off the table. For a second, everyone knew something was about to shatter, a deafeningly silent anticipation.

 

“Since I woke up I’ve felt very… off. I mean, I always feel off but… I felt off about feeling off. A lot of the pressure in my chest it’s… not there. I didn’t want to lose that feeling so I asked Penumbra not to change me back yet.”

 

Dana looked at them for a second. The panic was, very slowly, starting to wear off. Years of professional experience made slipping into therapy-mode almost a comfort. 

 

“Why do you think the pain isn’t there, Marcus?”

 

They winced. The glass fell, inevitably, towards to the ground.

 

“I think… I think…” Deep sigh. Deep breath in. “I feel like I’ve been having a lot of trouble figuring myself out and… My face has a lot of… memories and identity tied to it. That doesn’t feel like me. Being someone else… It was a relief?”

 

“That someone being this… ‘Zoe’ person?”

 

“Kind of?”

 

“If you could be Zoe, what would she be like?”

 

The invisible glass tumbled in the air, waiting to hit the ground and crack.

 

“S-- she w-- would…” They stuttered. Dana put a hand on their shoulder.

 

“It’s okay. If it’s not coming out, it’s not happening. Don’t force yourself.”

 

“She would be kind,” they interrupted. “Sweet. Someone with a-- a laugh, and a smile, for anyone. Someone who brightens other people’s days by being there for them. Someone… good. Like a… a light. A warm light.”

 

“That’s… definitely someone worth being, I would think.”

 

They nodded. Dana looked at them thoughtfully.

 

“Do you want to be Zoe?”

 

Their eyes flickered back and forth. It was hard to focus. Thoughts happened all at once. Repeated what she said over and over, until they were softly mumbling it to themselves. Dana had seen this before, so she simply waited patiently for the loop to dissolve.

 

“Do I want to be Zoe?” They looked at Dana. She smiled, reflecting the question back at them.

 

“Can I be?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“And I can… look like this?”

 

She nodded.

 

“Do you want me to call you Zoe?”

 

“P-- please. I want to see how it… tastes.”

 

“Very well then. It’s good to meet you, Zoe.”

 

Zoe looked up at Dana, and she cried.

 

---

“Who was she, Penny?”

 

Who?

 

“The woman, from the television? She was on some kind of platform. Your old host.”

 

Maxine Powers. She was… She is amazing. But she was in pain, and I couldn’t help her. I… my being there made things harder for her, for a while. And I’m… I needed a new host. A special kind of host.

 

“Like me?”

 

Yes.

 

“What makes me special?”

 

You’re enough like Maxine to be compatible. Different enough for me to… I have some things I need to do, Zoe. Maxine changed. You changed, even though I never intended to force this change on you the way I did.

 

“D-- don’t be sorry, Penny. I want this.”

 

Regardless, it was a mistake. We’ll just have to hope it doesn’t do any lasting damage. But soon it will be my time to change. I can feel it. I felt it for a while but I can’t ignore it any longer. 

 

“In what way?”

 

Grow. Become more than what I am. 

 

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

 

I… I’m not sure you can. But maybe… I hope it’s not too soon. Or too late.

 

“Penny?”

 

I think I need to see Maxine.

 

“Like…”

 

I think I need to go to Iceland. I can’t make you, but I think that, maybe, my life might depend on it. Or someone’s, at least. It’s hard to explain, Zoe. It’s instinctual.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Hmm?

 

“You keep calling me Zoe. It feels good.”

 

I’m glad it does. It’s your name.

 

“Th-- thank you.”

 

It suits you.

 

“I chose it myself.”

 

Great choice. 

 

“You said you can feel something? Like a danger?”

 

Something like that. Something is pulling me home. And I need to go. 

 

“Will… will I go back to being… to that old name? To looking like--”

 

Do you want to?

 

“God no.”

 

Then no. I… I’ve done this before, Zoe. With Maxine. I gave her the power to change, and by being scared, scared of not being good enough and not deserving her change, she hurt herself. A lot. I want to keep that from happening with you. 

 

“Thank you. So I can only change when you make me?”

 

I’ll never do it without your permission, Zoe. Though… are you sure about that face? I can make it look a little bit more than your old self. Like your own sister, or cousin.

 

“No… no, this one feels good. I don’t want to change it.”

 

Maxine’s gonna be so mad at me. 

 

“What’s she like?”

 

When I met her, she was vulnerable. In a lot of pain. Incredibly strong, but she didn’t see that. Weary. But also kind. Sweet. Funny. Smart. Loving. Incredibly understanding.

 

“You sound like you were in love.”

 

I think you could say that, in a way. We were connected more deeply than most people could possibly understand. You and I have been together for a year but I’ve taken serious measures to ensure that my mind and yours didn’t get as… wrapped up as Maxine and I did. 

 

“Why? Would that be bad?”

 

It’s invasive. I’m not a parasite. I want to build a symbiotic relationship with my host, and I‘m not going to invade your privacy. Your mind and innermost thoughts. 

 

“But you know all of them.”

 

Because you told them to me. Freely. When I first bonded with Maxine I… didn’t understand terms like consent, boundaries. I simply gave and took what I thought was right or necessary. Maxine got hurt.

 

“In what way?”

 

The same way you might, because I changed your body the way I did.

 

“How would giving me what… what I didn’t even realize I always needed, how would that hurt me?”

 

People don’t normally get to change like this, Zoe. It’s a very slow process, that involves learning to love yourself as you are, learning to accept that some things you can’t change. 

 

“I think I understand. I’m going to keep seeing Dana.”

 

I’m glad to hear it.

 

“But you need to go to… Iceland, first?”

 

Yes. You should meet Maxine. And I need to go home. It’s time for me to change.

 

---

 

Malice slowly digested a carcass of… something. They hadn’t bothered to consult Melanie about the species of animal. It genuinely didn’t care. It provided sustenance. That was the most important thing. As they sat in a cave, just off the highway, they roused Melanie from her sleep. She had gotten less… afraid of them. Malice still enjoyed torturing her, of course, and they did so at many opportunities, but she was clearly getting used to it in some way. Perhaps, Malice considered, humans were flexible not just in shape, but in mind, too. They might provide a more excellent host than Malice had originally even considered.

 

“What do you want?”

 

Melanie sounded more annoyed than afraid. Malice’s voice, like nails on a chalkboard, answered her regardless. It was better than finding a cabin and listening to the radio. There was nothing on that little device that interested them. They couldn’t exactly make it talk about Iceland, or the seedling. Melanie had mentioned the idea of the internet before, but one foray into its crusty bowels and Malice had flung the monitor through a nearby wall. It was a repository of all human knowledge but also of every inane thought ever conceived of. No wonder this species couldn’t get off their rock. So now they resorted to grilling her when they got bored.  

 

“What is Iceland?”

 

They felt Melanie roll her eyes, which should not be possible considering her complete and utter lack of a physical form. It was annoying, but also interesting. The human had found a way to express itself through physical expressions through a purely mental medium, sending the feeling or concept of a gesture. They were learning a lot about human behaviour.

 

“I don’t fucking know. It’s an Island.”

 

“Not satisfactory.”

 

“Then go fuck with a geography teacher and let me go, you bitch.”

 

“Not necessary. What is Ell Eye Tee?”

 

“Like, the one from the TV program you were so into?”

 

Melanie thought for a second. She’d found that cooperating with Malice would keep them off her case for a bit. Let her sleep while they hunted, or not force her to be aware of the monstrous shape her body had once been in. It had been such a nice body, one she’d spent years doing what she could to feel good in, years of forcing it to fit into dresses. And now it had too many limbs, too many eyes, too many teeth. It was monstrous and she could feel it, when Malice wanted to hurt her. She couldn’t turn it off, and her entire being wrestled against this new shape. So she was doing what she could. 

 

“So the woman on the TV, she said they were like, a humanitarian organisation, right? But, like, I think I heard about something like them at the New Year’s party at Steven’s house?”

 

“I have seen the memory. I do not understand how it is relevant.”

 

Melanie rolled her eyes again. Malice had full access to every one of her memories, and had violated that space with the same glee and callousness as it had her physical body, but they didn’t understand. Not really. They were a conqueror and saw her as a tool for conquest. They weren’t interested in learning, in understanding. Like a driver not really knowing or caring how their car works, only interested in making it go fast. Whatever. 

 

“Okay so like, Jake, right, he said he was working out of London when some guy from like, the US Embassy, I think, had gone completely crazy, right? Now, Jake didn’t like, see it, or anything, but he’s got a friend there, right, who says the guy turned into like, a werewolf? Like, you know, old school shit.”

 

“Old school shit.”

 

“I mean like, Harry Potter, shitty fantasy novel kinda stuff, you know? So anyway, Jake, right, says that these people showed up? They had a talk with like, the ambassador or something, and everyone had to evacuate the building? And the next day the whole building was like, wrecked. And he says his friend went to go see at night, and that he saw a big monster when he looked through a window, but he says he doesn’t believe his friend because Ray, that’s Jake’s friend, by the way, that Ray is too chicken to do something like that, but apparently the whole place was covered in curry sauce the next day. The ambassador said it was an explosion in the kitchen but I don’t buy that to be honest.”

 

“Explain.”

 

“Well, those people, right, he says he didn’t see any kind of like, official stuff or anything, but a lot of their clothes had these like, patches, you know, like the army has. And the symbol was like a, a white flame? Like the one from the people on TV. That’s gotta be them, right?”

 

“Perhaps.”

 

“So anyway then at the party, right, at Steven’s, this other guy, from work, he’s also called Stephen but PH, he says that last year this factory in like, Russia or something, one of those eastern countries, it blew up, right? But nobody got hurt, and that people were saying they were carried out by these glowing blue angels? And like, of course, the government covered it up and a bunch of these people got assassinated and they said it was a mass hallucination, but that can’t be right, right? And they said there was a big plane with a white flame painted on the side was close by and that after the factory exploded it immediately took off. And then a bunch of people told these stories of weird shit happening and a group of people that were always there? Anyway I think that might be your company.”

 

“Very good. Sleep.”

 

Listening to Melanie for extended periods of time could be exhausting for Malice. But this was, perhaps, pertinent information. They didn’t know how, or why, just yet. If Melanie was right, the seedling had been here for years. They didn’t know what had gone wrong, but they had to mull this over. It kept heading east. One way or the other they’d get their answers. 

 

---

 

Are you sure you’re ready, Zoe?

 

“I have to be, right?”

 

You never have to be anything you don’t want to, Zoe. Not anymore.

 

She sat on the bed. Everything in her house was wrong, now somehow. Her clothes didn’t fit. They didn’t smell right. Dana had given her some things to get her started, a couple of outfits. They fit. In more ways than one.

 

“How can I just… be Zoe, now, Penny? Just like that?”

 

Does it hurt? 

 

She ran her hands over the insides of her arms. There were scars here, scars she hadn’t had, before. A reminder of someone else’s pain, perhaps. But her skin… it was so soft. Everything felt different now. Even the sheets she was sitting on felt coarse, now.

 

“N-- no. It doesn’t. It feels right but… it feels… easy. Like I don’t… Like I don’t deserve this?”

 

Dana is a good therapist. She has experience with transgender people.

 

“How do you know?” 

 

I checked the day we met. She’ll guide you through this. 

 

“You knew?”

 

I suspected.

 

“I can stay like this, right?”

 

As long as you like. 

 

She thought of her life, as it was. Nobody at work would recognise her. None of her friends. She was trying to figure out how she’d explain all of this. Then she realized she wouldn’t even be let into her old job. 

 

“There’s stuff that needs doing, right? Legal papers? Shit, my ID. My driver’s license.”

 

It’s not going to be easy. But Maxine, LIT Inc, will help you. They have a division in the US to help queer people, especially pushing paperwork past red tape. Leftover funds are sent there directly. You’ll be taken care of while you figure this out.

 

“I don’t know how to thank you.”

 

Iceland?

 

“How will I get on a plane? I don’t really have ID that looks like me.”

 

There’s options. You can look like anyone you want to, Zoe. 

 

She nodded. 

 

“Penny, you’ve already given me so much… if it means getting you home, I can look like… like M--...”

 

She took a breath, steadied her breathing.

 

“Like I used to. For a day. It’ll be hard but you’ll be there for me. I know it.”

 

I can’t ask you to do that, Zoe, I--

 

“You’re not. I’m offering. I can survive one more day like… that. And to pay you back? It’ll be worth it.”

 

Only if you’re absolutely sure. There’s… other options. I promise you’re a lot sneakier now than you were before. 

 

“This is the easiest way. I don’t want to get into trouble, and you’re worth this.”

 

I… Thank you, Zoe. You’re a very kind woman.

 

She blushed. Her heart leapt, like it had been leapings since Dana and Penumbra had started calling her Zoe. She smiled, softly. It had been a while. The muscles in her new face had never smiled before.

 

“S-- say that again?”

 

You’re a woman, Zoe. A kind, gentle woman. 

 

“Thank you.” Her voice was small, but the emotion behind it was very big indeed. 

 

---

 

Malice smelled the salty sea-air. It smelled like nothing they cared about, and they didn’t care about this smell either. Inside of them, Melanie smelled it too, and reveled in a sensation that wasn’t horror or pain. They scoured the horizon. No clear idea where Iceland was, except for a vague feeling and a memory of a map they’d seen. But somewhere, out there, was an echo of the seedling. They could almost taste it, like a shark tastes blood in the water. At the edge of the water, all of Malice’s limbs seemed to melt, become pliant, until they were a mass of disgusting green tentacles and toxic slime. Their mouth now a circular maw, they slithered into the ocean. Melanie was disgusted. Distraught. But she wasn’t allowed to sleep, forced to witness as her body once again changed, and Malice was very fast in the water indeed, poisoning the ocean where they went. They hunted, now, shooting through the water with grim determination, towards Reykjavík.

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