Anna was amongst the first ones to arrive at the cafeteria, her friends weren’t there yet. After grabbing her plate and filling it with whatever fancied her attention today, she sat at their usual table and checked her phone while waiting for her friends to get there.
Her parents hadn’t called again since yesterday evening. She didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.
Urgh, the greens tasted even worse than usual today. The cafeteria food was never high standard, but this was just awful. She put aside the vegetables on her plate and focused on the three sausages she’d taken. A bit too greasy, but somewhat raw, slightly sanguine. It was like a taste from heaven, she thought, to her own surprise.
Lucie arrived first this time. She accelerated her pace to sit down next to Anna. “Are you doing fine?”
“Yeah, I am.” She noticed Lucie only took vegetables. “Urgh, these taste horrible today.”
“Is that so?” she asked, quizzical, before grabbing a bite. “Eh. Not worse than usual. Actually, I don’t think I took enough.”
“How convenient!” Anna said before lifting her plate to hers. “Is it okay if I dump mine in yours?”
“Yeah, go ahead, that way I won’t need to go fetch some more.”
“Thanks.” She dropped the vegetables to her friend’s plate and went back in line to get some more meat.
When she came back to the table, Jules and Sam had arrived and taken their seats. Good, she could catch up on the missed classes again.
“...And he said that was gonna be on the test next week, so mark it as important.” finished Sam.
“Okay.” Anna scribbled a little cross next to the section she’d just copied.
“Speaking of tests, how’d this morning go, Anna?” Enquired Jules.
She thought for a moment. “I don’t really know yet. I fell asleep in the middle of them.” She paused. “I guess we’ll go see Mr. Robert after classes and he’ll tell us… Oh, I do know i can see ultraviolet though, apparently.”
“Freaky.” Commented Jules.
Lucie looked very surprised. “Wait, like…?” Gears spinned in her head as she put something together. “Do you think the collar is done transforming you or is there more to expect?”
“I don’t know…? I have absolutely no idea.” Said Anna.
“Let me see the scarab for a bit.”
“Uuh… Sure.” She dropped it out of her hoodie and Lucie pulled on it to look at it closer. Anna felt a bit embarrassed and looked around the room as she moved her chair closer to her so as to not be strangled.
“It definitely has changed a bit. Super subtle though. Look, there’s a small hole at the bottom, and its proportions are a bit more round.”
“I-I can’t see the bottom. The link’s too small to turn it towards me.”
Lucie released the emerald and Anna was able to sit back down on her chair.
Sam leaned forward a bit. “So… Trouble is not over yet.”
“No it isn’t.” Lucie confirmed, leaving Anna a bit tense.
“Speaking of trouble,” Jules said. “Are you sure you want to go to class this afternoon? I mean, you could just stay in Mr. Robert’s lab for as long as necessary.”
“I don’t wanna.” She pouted, thankful her expression was somewhat obscured thanks to her disguise. “I want to be in class. Like normal.”
“You really are too studious for your own good, Anna.” He grimaced.
She wanted to change the subject. “How did it go for you this morning, Sam?”
“A looooot of weird looks.” They answered. “But as I expected, it all went according to plan. I was brought to the administration and just stayed silent, and on the student side nobody asked any question.”
Jules laughed. “Sam, masteress of silent coercion!”
“Oooh, I like that word.” They cooed.
Anna smiled, relieved to know it went well for them.
“You think I could do the same? Just… Go in and pretend that’s how things have always been?”
Her friends stayed silent, none of them really finding the right words. Sam leaned forward again to caress her hand in compassion.
“...It’s a ‘probably not’, then?” She muttered, her voice cracking a bit.
“Sorry.” Answered Sam.
“If only magical over-night sex changes were more common and understood, right?” Said Lucie in an attempt at gallows humor.
It didn’t really make her feel better.
“Anna… Anna look at me.” Jules managed to obtain her gaze. “I might not be in your shoes and all, but… I want you to know no matter how hard it’ll get, even if it does not go like you wish it could, we’re here for you.” Sam and Lucie nodded in agreement.
“I know, but...” She trailed off, not wanting to be a downer. “Thanks. I love you guys.”
The mood didn’t particularly improve after that, but small talk laboriously resumed. They eventually finished eating, and Anna, lifting her empty tray, felt like this was her last moment to back out of her plans for the afternoon. She took an instant to reconsider Jules’s proposition, and, solemnly, deposited her tray on the pile and prepared herself for her classes.
I'm tired. Need to sleep.
Heya, thanks for the comments. I just wanted to tell you a few things.
Firstly, biology doesn't matter for 99% of real life. They don't check your chromosomes to know which bathroom you should go in, do they? Heck, have you ever had *your* chromosomes tested? How do you know you're even XY? Inters*x people exist, biology is neither perfect nor reliable.
Secondly, hormones *do* change your biology in all the ways that do matter. A trans person, after their transition, has medically more in common with people of their gender rather than their birth sex. A trans woman will generally see drugs work on her like they would on a woman rather than on a man (bit of a simplification but that's the general rule).
Thirdly... Why shouldn't identity trump biology? If you don't feel neither male nor female... Why shouldn't that matter more than what's in your pants? Heck, if we *did* have a magical button which you could press in an instant to change what set of genitals you have, and it could also make you have both or neither, can you conceive of people that'd want one of these options? If we had a magical button which at a press can completely reconfigure your body down to the chromosomes, could you conceive of people that would want breasts, but no hips? Or no breasts, but all other feminine markers? People that'd want to mix and match male and female, or create stuff that looks like neither? It's not a mental illness. It's just... people, doing their best with the limitations of our time - because that magical sci-fi button doesn't exist yet, so we use the second best thing, hormones.
I have plenty more to say about your feelings on sharing a body with someone else, and disliking being human - but I've probably given you enough to chew on already :)
Thanks for sticking through the story. I still have a few chapters left to upload, technically, before reaching the hiatus point.
@Taxouck All of what you said certainly makes sense. I'll try to integrate it into my ignorant youthful world-view. Maybe it'll make me more open-minded.
It's just, this whole idea of having more than two genders, was ruined by radical third-wave feminist videos I have watched to laugh about them.
These people are ignorant and want to force their views on other people with their overly loud and screeching voices, that is what is disgusting.
Because I, myself, am also kind of interested in actually "being" the other gender, I can totally relate to people wishing for their body to be different. But I am not at the point where I can say that I really, really, really, "feel" as if I am of a different gender.
Currently I cannot say for sure whether I am female, because I have been male my whole life. My way of acting is male, my habits are male. That's for sure.
But then again, at some point I also tried wearing my mothers underwear and stuff, which might sound disturbing at first, but I was just exploring my sexuality after all. That's what you do as a pubescent teenager after all. And to be honest, I feel no pleasure at all by having a male genital. This might be a totally different medical condition, but there are so many aspects of life that make me "dislike", "hate, but not really hate" being a male.
I just feel as if being a female would be more enjoyable. Maybe transitioning would be an option, however ... my body is too big, my face wouldn't suit a woman, it'd make it worse than it is now. Because if I'm gonna go through with all that, then I better look the part after that, otherwise I'd just feel even more weird.
Life is really too hard. There are too many things to think about and it's tiring. After almost 18 years of life, I am truly exhausted. After age 12, there hasn't been a time where I haven't had any kind of negative thoughts.
At age 12, I was opened to the wide range of "fantasy" through the internet. After that I couldn't help but wish, desire and pray for a "magical" change. Quite immature, but I just can't shake it off. The real world is unimaginable underwhelming. It is literally devastating, how boring reality is.
Let's leave it here. There are really too many things I would need to say and explain to be able to truly let you see my thought-process.
Thanks for explaining some things tho, I'm really too lazy to look anything up. Maybe as a girl I'd be too lazy to do any kind of makeup or make myself look pretty and cute, which is what I actually want. Life is too hard.
@IHadSoManyNames ...Hey. Sorry for the rough teenhood, I can relate. If I can allow myself one more bit of advice right now, please go read the alchemist’s potion, another of my stories. I think it’d help.
I get how it is about being poisoned by “ANGRY SJW DESTROYED” compilations. It’s not my personal experience, but some of my friends had to claw themselves out of the shitty antipathic thinking those put in their brains.
Stay cool, alright? It’s a hard path out there.
@Taxouck I'll add it to my reading list, thanks.
@IHadSoManyNames Oh, wait, one last thing! If you have a reddit account, I recommend you check out the subreddit egg_irl. It’ll probably be uncomfortable but I’m thinking it’ll help.
@Taxouck It's not really uncomfortable?
Like, I can certainly relate to some things, but the feelings aren't strong enough for that I think?
@IHadSoManyNames Hey, 1 you should definitly read The alchemists potion. 2 I was once in a lot of those anti sjw circles when I was younger and I kind of get where you are coming from. If you need to talk about it I'm here.
@DetectiveRed Thanks I guess. I'll read that novel soon, it's quite short after all.
@IHadSoManyNames Heya! I hope you don't mind if I butt in on this. And there is a chance, that your questions have been clarified since way back January. Buuuuut maybe I can help anyways:
You seem to have a similar problem that I used to have for a large part of my life: A distinction between "I want to be a girl/a woman" versus "I *am* a girl/a woman". (Or something in between, maybe not quite all the way. That would be valid too.) It can be quite troublesome to see both of those feelings as one and the same.
What had helped me to find myself was this: Most people don't desire to have a body or even just aspects of what they see as their gender. If you feel such a desire, that means, there is already a "seed" inside of you. Imagine this seed to be your true potential. Imagine, the seed is that of a mighty oak. But it has been accidentally planted in a pot that is labelled "strawberry". Now, you can try to satisfy everyone's expectations and be a strawberry. You may manage to take the shape of that plant and everyone applauds you on what a fine dessert you can make. But don't those fruits taste quite a bit ... bitter? Imagine that there is a way to break your pot and grow roots, unfold your full potential, blossom how you feel right with it. Imagine that you become more powerful than you have ever felt, not in mere muscle strength, but in confidence, in connectedness with yourself, in lesser and lesser awkwardness. Imagine that one day, you look into the mirror (after a - to be honest - very awkward changing phase) and things just click together of which you had no idea that there was anything supposed to fit like this in the first place. Imagine waking up one morning, stretching your limbs and just. feeling. right!
Mind that I am in no way saying that you are trans and should transition. That's solely up to you. Also, there are safe, slow, and reversable ways of testing the waters. This is what I suggest. Is there anything keeping you from making up an other-gendered online persona? Why not start a nice RPG with a character that's so unlike your worldly outerior? Or learn to meditate and try to visualize the full spectrum of sensations that would come with a body that you would like to try. Try to masturbate, not to po*n on a screen or in a magazin but with closed eyes while you imagine your body to be so different.
Maybe you find out that you are a guy after all. And that will be totally fine.
But remember that you are free. Try things. Find yourself. Good success!
@Lexi Thank you for your comment! I indeed have huge troubles with the feeling of wanting to be a girl but not automatically feeling like one. It just really doesn't work like that for me. I wonder how others do it so *easily* (it's not easy, I get that, but some people make it seem like it is).
I'm trans. Most likely. 99,99% chance. But there's always doubt in everything anyway.
No matter how many times I realize that I need to do SOMETHING, I never do anything. I recently stumbled upon the term "executive dysfunction" and ... found myself doing one of these idiotic tests on the net again. Which, by the way, said that I definitely have this disorder. Whether that's truly right, I don't know, but I do see the patterns.
I don't do anything. I never do. That's the key problem. I don't know if I can't do anything or if it's indeed laziness ... but does laziness go this far? I don't think so. At some point, people just really ought to reach out and move. Not me though. I don't. Never.
At this point, I'm already feeling ridiculous for even writing about this because it just sounds like an excuse. Sigh, whatever. At this point, I've told myself to not do anything about things I can't change too many times. I won't even dare to try anything because it *won't work anyway*.
I've most likely conditioned myself to love being miserable or some sh*t ... that's literally the only way I could explain all this. And recently I've not been sad anymore. Probably because school is done now and I can finally sit at home and do absolutely nothing but waste my time away. Perfect. Just the life I want to have. I don't need to look into the mirror. I don't need to shower all too much, though even I do care a little. I just can't be bothered, or is it because it's just too much work? For something that's not worth it anyway.
Sigh, I'm just the same person I was months ago. Just less "dark" in my mind because I don't NEED to think about it every day. I can just IGNORE it all and I get through the day just fine lately. I don't even have any music to listen to. I still haven't tried cutting myself just to see how much it hurts. I don't know anything because I never bothered learning and the best thing is, I probably won't ever bother learning even though I know I should probably know how to do some things.
At this point, I'm already way too tired. I want to be tired. The more hopeless I am, the more motivated I'll be to finally off myself, but I won't ... because of many reasons, but mainly because it's too much work. I don't do anything after all.
Honestly, the government should really allow those that do not want life to choose death instead and that through means that actually work well. One pill, sleep, death. Perfection. Any other way is just too bothersome. And all that in 3 minutes please, not too fast or slow, still enough time to look at the sky one last time.
So, I've once again talked about lots of things, but in the end, said nothing.
My english is deteriorating, I can't speak german anymore, just what is going on. Why am I not a cat yet, or a fox, or a bunny. I'm just writing whatever thoughts come to my head right now.
I'll go read some stuff where people have perfect lives and have lots of fun killing others~ :3
@IHadSoManyNames fwiw dealing with my gender dysphoria helped some amount with my executive dysfunction.
@IHadSoManyNames please seek help. It doesn't matter if you want to be a woman or feel like one. One way or another, you will feel so much better if you allow yourself to unfold your true potential. And the you really are, no matter what.
It will work out. It's never too late to start, either.
@Taxouck I'd love to "deal with it", but since I'm not really registering it as any big problem, it's just hard to even try to do something about it.
I don't know anymore. I just really don't know anymore.
Thanks for your input on things though ^~^
@Lexi I'm trying! I hope!
I'm honestly just rotting away at home doing nothing at all and I'm so goddamn fine with it. How? Why? I don't know.
Oh well, I'm most likely going to start studying next month or the one after ... a new social environment. I don't know how to make friends anymore, honestly, did I ever?
And how would I even seek help when I don't want to leave the house at all? Yes, I know that I'd probably get some help if I decided to actually do something about it and seek out a therapist, but I don't do things like that. I should, though, but I most likely won't ever.
Thank you, too, for your input on things and the advice ^~^
@IHadSoManyNames I think we have a lot in common. At least the current you and past me. Do you feel content with just doing your thing, fishing for a few approvals from family or colleagues, dragging yourself through a few decades of existence to function and then just stop some day? Are you afraid of losing the few positive connections you have and be unable to make new ones when you need them?
Let me tell you: That's all bogus. I talked about power before and about true potential. I meant that. Of course, not in the sense of power to force people to do something. It's hard to describe. But once you are true to yourself and go the way you are meant to go, pathes open. It's not always easy. But as you explore what it means to be truly you, you will find the means to walk it. And as you walk it, you can taste life in its full fragrance.
All you need is a push to start. So let's try this one: You probably have only this one life of yours to experience existence. Do you really want to waste it without ever feeling actual happiness? Do you really want to watch it burning out while spending all of its light on trying to not disappoint other people? People who will never be truly grateful for this sacrifice?
@Lexi We are definitely alike. However, I don't necessarily feel like I'm fishing for approval from my family, even though I definitely am, since I'm looking for "something" to do with my life just so they are quiet and stop bothering me about it. I love them though, or do I? I'm not sure. It might just be that I'm way too dependant on them, I literally couldn't survive alone. I'm sure they would've wanted a different child as well. Though, yes, I'm also of the opinion of the parent having to be prepared to have a child that is useless. Having a child is something that should only be done after careful consideration. If you are sure that you can give them everything you are, forever, then you may have a child. Just my opinion. I won't ever have children.
Either way, I need a push that comes from reality. Something life-breaking. I don't have friends, so there's nothing to "really" lose, of course, I still care way too much about their opinions. A verbal or written "push" doesn't work, it never did and it probably never will. I'll think about it for a bit, maybe even "decide" on "trying" to do something, but I ultimately never did and probably never will.
For a few months, throughout 2020, I've been waiting for the breaking point, where my life would fall apart, because that NEEDED to bring change. Why, however, did that not happen? Why is there no change?
Well, obviously because I am indeed still trying to survive and be "a normal person", which is not working because it's not what I want. And here we go, I'm talking stupid stuff again.
Honestly, I just really don't want to work. I don't want to meet new people. I don't want to have to do small talk. I just want to live in a one-room apartment, all by myself. I want to only need to go outside to get food and water and then be done with it. I might even try to regularly work out in a gym, if it's close by. There's nothing in life that I really want, because those things that I do want, are not available in the realm of reality, there's thus no reason to even try to reach out for them.
I'm talking lots, but in the end, I'll just try to survive for as long as possible. Until the true breaking point arrives and my life falls apart. Because I most likely won't ever move by myself, as long as I have places where I can just do nothing at all. As long as I have a phone, a computer or whatever, I can just sit here and do nothing and be totally fine with that.
Again, thanks for the advice, but it won't work and it never did, which is why I'm only rarely ranting on any discord server anymore, I've just done it too many times, received way too much advice that I REALLY SHOULD FOLLOW, now it's just gotten to awkward to really say anything anymore. By now, I'm not even sure whether becoming a true, cute, girl would even change anything, I still wouldn't be able to live. In the end, death is the only place where I'll ever be able to rest, at least that's what I hope for.
Nonetheless! I hope that you achieve all that you desirein life and find satisfaction! I also hope that you may even be able to reach out for actual, long-lasting happiness
@IHadSoManyNames I am trying to. Thank you. I'm sorry that I can't give you more of a push. But even if I would physically be with you, I wouldn't do more than talking. In the end, the initiative *needs* to come from within you. It has to come from your own thoughts, your ponderings, your considerations. All I can and want to do is to give you ideas that may or may not work as leverpoints for you. And maybe your breaking point will not be a materialistic catastrophe but "merely" a thought. If you find a leverpoint that works for you, this may even be enough. I wish you the best of luck with that.
@Lexi Thank you very much! I certainly hope that I'll someday just randomly come across a change within me. I'm thinking about it occasionally ... I'm also letting my hair grow out and caring a little more about my body, but it's hard, especially if your body's all the stuff you definitely don't want to have :P
I'm slowly inching forward though, hopefully. Hmm, I've been meaning to kind of polish my nails for a week or more now, but I just didn't do it, even though it doesn't take long and would definitely be more satisfying after I'm done, but yeah ... that's just an example of how things are going with me. I'm trying, I'm thinking, I'm hoping, but I mostly don't move to actually do something. At this point, it can't just be laziness anymore, it's something more, something deeper and definitely more severe. ^~^
@IHadSoManyNames Dang, after reading my comments from months ago, I'm suddenly feeling like transitioning. And, you know, if I had some hormones readily available and would know how to safely transition, I'd do that in a heartbeat ... but getting up to actually get them ... oof. That's the problem tbh. That's the actual problem. I don't like talking too much, and especially not about my own problems. I can write just fine, but I never really talked about my troubles without immediately joking about them in the next minute ...
I also want to be happy and I might just get into that direction by actually transitioning. I'd need to lose some weight as well and definitely care lots more about my body. Dang ... if only this feeling would actually stay for a long time and not fade away within an hour or two O.o
@IHadSoManyNames All of those feelings are totally valid, regardless if they are constant or not. You have had them on and off for years, right? They are valid. And you are by far not the first trans girl who has troubles communicating vocally - not to mention face to face. But you know, people who are on the autism spectrum face those challenges regularly. And there is a big overlap between transsexuality and autism too. It's all valid regardless. How about you do a tiny step first: Look for one or two psychotherapists in your area who are known to treat trans folks well. A later tiny step can be to write them an email.
PN, because I want to stop spamming this comment section.
@IHadSoManyNames So, uh. In case anyone is interested. I'm a bit better these past few days. I've talked to my mom about getting therapy (for depression - for now) and both my parents aren't against it. I've also found some therapists around my area so I will try to contact those in the next few days.
Best of luck for you!
@Lexi Thank you :3
@J'avais tant de noms salut j'ai 33 ans et je te comprends tellement mais pareil que toi je ne sais pas si je voudrais vraiment devenir une femme ou si c'est juste un fantasme je ne serais le dis
@Lexi salut je vous voir souvent laisse de commentaires sur plus histoires de ce site et merci pour eux car perso j'ai de 20 a 22 souvent je me suis mis dans les vêtements de ma mère et j'aimais sa de plus sa a été les premiers fois où je me suis imaginer et masturbé après par la suite sa met plus ou moins passé et ces derniers année je lis beaucoup histoires gende Bender mais je doit avouer que je ne c'est pas si sais un fantasme ou que je suis trans je ne pourrai le dire merci a ceux qui liront surtout que je n'écris pas en anglais ^^
@Sayanel Mon expérience personnelle c'est que j'ai passé toute ma première puberté à lire/regarder/jouer à du matériel gender bender érotique. J'étais très mal dans ma peau et je ne pouvais même pas m'en rendre compte, on m'avait raconté tout le temps que la puberté c'était chiant et ça rend ton corps dégueu pendant quelques années et je pensais que du coup y'avait rien d'inhabituel pour moi et ça se calmerait une fois que je serais adulte.
Pendant ce temps, j'ai développé une fascination avec l'idée de voir des gens être transformé ou être moi même transformée en femme. à l'époque je pensais que c'était juste un fétiche, un élément que j'avais besoin de retrouver dans le contenu érotique pour pouvoir être excitée; mais aussi, dans les '10s, le souci c'est que la grooooooosse majorité des trucs gender bender érotiques s’adressaient à une audience mâle et hétéro. Y'avait donc une expectation que tu n'étais pas la personne devenue femme, mais la personne ayant causé cette punition (parce que c'était souvent une punition), la femme voyait sa sexualité être retournée sans raison pour qu'elle puisse aimer les hommes, et le viol, sexisme et autres horreurs trop normalisées abondaient partout dans le genre. Je me m'en suis pas sortie sans un peu de trauma. Il s'est avérée que je suis en fait asexuelle, ça ça n'aurait probablement jamais changé, mais que ma réaction soit spécifiquement le dégoût et la peur à l'idée du sexe, c'est bien du trauma par contre.
Vers la fin de cette période, j'ai découvert un webcomic qui s'appelle El Goonish Shive. Dedans, on a un ado-savant-fou qui a un pistolet alien de transformation qu'il utilise pour transformer (et *se* transformer) en femme un peu comme bon l'emporte. Il est fier, il est parfaitement honnête et prêt à hurler du haut des toits que c'est juste son fétiche et qu'il est parfaitement confortable avec ça... Il se trompe, également. Sa petite amie va lui aider à réaliser que sa fascination... est en fait parce qu'il est transgenre -- genderfluid, spécifiquement. https://www.egscomics.com/index.php?id=1896
Cette page a eu un impact énorme sur moi à l'époque. Je me reconnaissais tellement, je me voyais tellement dans Tedd que je me suis mise à identifier comme genderfluid également (même si au final je me suis retrouvée juste femme binaire trans, ça c'est chapitre 2 pour une autre fois). J'avais enfin compris pourquoi j'étais si fascinée avec le concept. Comme Tedd, le fétichisme était juste le seul angle que des sentiments refoulés avaient réussi à trouver pour s'exprimer. Notre cerveau perd beaucoup de ses inhibitions lorsque l'on parle d'une activité si vulnérable et personnelle que le sexe, au final, c'est pas si inattendu que ça que de découvrir quelque chose de personnel à travers un fétiche. C'est même très courant pour les personnes trans qui ne savent pas qu'elles sont trans de développer un fétiche lié de près ou de loin au genre https://www.reddit.com/r/egg_irl/comments/efu2ci/eggirl/
Une grosse raison pour laquelle j'écris ce que j'écris, c'est parce que c'est exactement le genre de choses que si j'avais pu lire durant ma puberté, je me serais comprise bien, bien plus vite. J'écris ce que j'écris pour aider toutes les personnes des générations futures qui se retrouveraient exactement au même endroit que moi il y a quelques années -- et pour qu'elles aient du meilleur matériel que moi pour se trouver, sans trauma; et hors d'un contexte sexuel, qui bien qu'il libère, tend aussi à être ignoré sous le nom de "oh, c'est juste un fétiche".
@PrincessFelicie merci pour votre commentaire et votre point de vue je vais aller voir le lien si j'en ai le courage mais le Webcomics m'intéresse ^^