Gasping for air, Snow suddenly opened his eyes and jumped to his feet, only to stumble and fall down on his hands and knees. His arms shaking, his vision blurry, he sobbed violently, tears sliding down his face. Something in side him was breaking to pieces.
Pressing his forehead against the frozen dirt, he covered his head with both hands, and tried to focus his mind on the present. But his chest hurt. It hurt so much that all he wanted to do was cry, the image of all that blood still too vivid in his mind.
He had to calm down!, he told himself. He had to calm down! But, no matter how many times he repeated those words in his head, no matter how many times he told himself that it was all in the past, he couldn’t stop crying, the ice beneath him slowly thickening.
He’d killed a living creature with his bare hands! And the dark stain it had created in his heart was still there, had always been there. He just hadn’t been able to see it.
“Take a deep breath, brat,” a calm voice told him and a warm hand touched his naked shoulder, but it felt so hot against his cold skin that he instinctively slapped it away.
Nox1 Literally nox (night). Nox is the name of the Clan (family name), also the name of a Province. ZaiWin uses it because he is the Governor of Nox ZaiWin2Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos). immediately retrieved his hand, silently looking at him, at the fierce glow dancing in his pale eyes, heavy tears still rolling down his face.
The instant the damn brat had slapped him the entire area around them had frozen solid. And the way he was now looking at him, as if he were some wild animal desperate to escape and willing to do whatever it took to survive, forced him to pause and review his next move. This was the not-so-Celestial part of him, ZaiWin knew. The reason why, even after all that time, ZenTar3Literally zen (silent) + tar (wind). still watched him attentively, the same way he would have watched an enemy, ready to stab him with his sword at the first wrong move he made.
“Care to share what just happened?” ZaiWin asked, carefully, and a deep frown appeared on the brat’s forehead.
“What do you care?” he spat back angrily, and ZaiWin lightly tilted his head to one side.
Well, he had a point, he conceded. He shouldn’t care at all, as long as the brat managed to control the consequences of his mood swings.
Lowering his head to wipe his tears away, Snow couldn’t stop himself from sobbing again. He hated that he couldn’t stop crying. He hated even more that he had to cry in front of him! Before, he probably wouldn’t have mind it so much. But recently, ever since they had been attacked by that huge feimao4Literally fei (raging / furious) + mao (beast / monster). Raving beasts that appear in unbalanced, ungoverned lands. They possess destructive markings that in turn corrupt the land even further. Hard to explain in just 2 lines -_-; Anyway. Bad, vicious things that need to be killed., it was as if ZaiWin was constantly judging him, constantly silently accusing him of not being able to learn how to control his daitai5Literally dai (light) + tai (mark), or Holy Markings, considered Heavenly Blessings. They’re the source of power. any faster. ZaiWin would only open his mouth to correct him or point out mistakes. Other than that, even during the day, he would never willingly speak with him.
Fine! He had always known that Nox ZaiWin didn’t care one bit about him! That he had hated him right from the start. Even if he could somehow overlook the horrifying thing he had done back at the Fortress, he would always hate him for the mere fact that he was a Celestial! Snow had come to terms with that a long time ago! So what’s with the concerned questions all of a sudden? Trying to appease him as if he were some helpless child!
The hand that grabbed Snow's wrist and pulled him, startled him and made him crash head-first into his chest. Quickly shoving him back, Snow tried to get himself free. But the more he pushed him the harder ZaiWin grabbed him, until a strong shove caught him off guard, making him fall back.
His head landed hard on the frozen ground and, for an instant, all he could feel was pain. And then ZaiWin was on top of him, straddling his waist, sitting heavily on his stomach, making it hard to breathe. His big hands grabbed his wrists, pressing them down against the ice above his head, efficiently stealing him of the only way he had to fight him off. Snow hated the feeling of being restrained! Hated even more the fact that he was lying on his back! And so he turned to glare fiercely at him, wanting very much to hurt him, ready to order him to get off of him.
“What? Are you going to scream at me?” ZaiWin asked coldly the moment Snow opened his mouth, his blue eyes staring down at him like sharp daggers. “Be my guest. I even dare you. Go ahead and scream all you want.”
Snow’s eyes widened in horror at the sound of those words and he immediately shut his mouth, biting down on his lip.
“That’s what I thought. Now fucking unfreeze it! It getting freaking cold and you already know better than this!”
Snow averted his gaze, tears still sliding down his face, and forced himself to relax.
That’s right, he thought looking at the frozen grass right in front of his face. That dog might have been the first life he took, but it most certainly had not been the last. Even though he’d only lived for a sixteen years, he’d already killed a lot of people, killed innocent men and women, killed brave soldiers that had traveled far just to rescue other people. Going on, in the future, he would probably kill many more, including the cruel man now holding him down as if he were some lifeless doll.
Closing his eyes, he obeyed his command, slowly allowing the ice around him to melt, his back and clothes getting wet in the process.
“Much better,” ZaiWin commented, and his iron grip lost part of its strength. “Now tell me what happened.”
Snow simply shook his head.
“Again with that shit! Speak!” he commanded, giving him another shove, and Snow turned his head to glare at him, facing his cold, annoyed gaze.
“I’m not telling you,” he openly declared, clearly putting his denial into words as he’d demanded, and a glint of fury crossed ZaiWin’s eyes. But then, when he had expected to be yelled at, or even get beaten for daring speak to him like that, ZaiWin suddenly released him, raising to his feet.
“Suite yourself, then! Just be sure to control it the next time!” he spat with despise and, without sparing him another glance, undid his dark dome and walked away.
Snow just laid there, looking up at the dark, starless sky. It hadn’t changed much, he concluded. With or without the dome, everything was black.
Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath.
So what if his heart was breaking. So what if it would probably be better for everyone if he would simply die. He hadn’t died back then. And he most certainly wasn’t going to die now! Even if his life was a mistake, even if his life was worthless, it was still his life, and it was the only thing he had left. He would never think about dying again! And he most certainly would not allow anyone to take his life either! Much less a cold, self-serving man like Nox ZaiWin!
That night Snow finally made his bed by the fire, as far away from him as possible.
