“I’ve always been trying to see you,” ZaiWin¹Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos). carefully retorted. “From the first time we’ve met, that’s all I’ve been doing. Trying to understand you. Trying to get to know you. Trying to figure out how your mind works.”

Snow simply shook his head.

“You have been simply taking conclusions based on what you see. And I understand that it’s partially my fault. Because I never tried to correct you. I should have been firmer and braver. I shouldn’t have allowed you to intimidate me so much. And now here we are. You, feeling guilty and torn for something that I’m actually grateful for. And me, feeling hurt for something so stupid that you can’t even see. And because of that there’s this scary gap between us. And it only makes me feel more hurt and insecure. It makes me doubt and question all the things you’ve told me that led me to trust you. Because I can suddenly clearly see that you were telling them to the Snow inside your head, and not me. Just the fact that you keep staring at me as if you’re standing before some strange, unknown person, is more than enough proof of what I’ve just said.”

Like a reprimanded child, ZaiWin immediately lowered his gaze, leaving a bitter smile on Snow’s lips.

“It’s not that I’m completely blind. Apparently I just focused on the wrong thing,” ZaiWin declared with a sigh. “I focused on what is important to me. And it never occurred to me that what’s important to me might not be as important to you. I will always feel guilty for hurting you. But I guess the fear and pain I felt the moment I realized what I’d done, didn’t allow me to see anything else. And so I ended up leaving you alone with your own pain. Worse, I tried to push my feelings onto you, and got angry at you when you pushed back and didn’t accept them.”

Raising his head, ZaiWin looked up at him, at the dark eyes that silently absorbed his every word.

“You saw Storm kissing me. And it hurt you so much that your markings escaped your control, responding directly to your emotions. And I saw you run away and just couldn’t abide it. Every time I see you turn your back on me like that I can’t help feeling like I’m losing something I cannot loose. It’s been like this since the moment this link between us was formed. I should have just allowed you to go. I should have given you the time and space you needed to put your thoughts in order. But I just couldn’t handle it, seeing you go and not try to get you back, not try to keep you where I could easily see and reach you.

“You’re mine! You’re the only thing in my entire life that I have ever dared claim as such. And it’s very hard to control the need to constantly keep you within reach, preferably tied up in a way where you’ll never be able to escape. Seeing how easily you’re able to slip away drives me insane. And so I mindlessly tried to get a hold on you, to make you bend to my will, and ended up adding even more pressure to your already weakening control.

“I should have seen it, in the way you kept pushing me back, building walls between us. You were suffering and confused. You needed me to step back. But the more you showed me you didn’t want me by your side, the more I felt that you were getting away, the more I tried to break your defenses and force you to submit. It’s true that you lost control. But, like me, you were only defending yourself.”

Snow slowly lowered his gaze. His heart still ached but, somehow, hearing him say all that, being shown that ZaiWin could actually see it so clearly, defeated most of the anger that had burned inside his stomach.

ZaiWin released a deep sigh.

“I admit that I’ve been happily assuming that my assumptions are absolute truths. Which led me not to pay attention to things that are apparently equally important. I know you know that being jealous of Storm is just silly. She even did that on purpose, just to rile you up. She’s the one who’s jealous most of the time, because she can clearly see how much you mean to me and she feels I spend too much time with you, placing our friendship in second place. That’s why she’s always trying to provoke you, why she’s always trying to upset you. It’s kind of her personal way to take revenge. I believed that you could see all this and expected you to be able to calmly put up with it. And so your sudden outburst of hurt and anger caught me completely off guard. I’m sorry about that.”

Snow blushed from embarrassment and simply nodded. At least he had finally apologized for what he was supposed to.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t handle it better …” Snow muttered, still staring at his own feet. “I know I should have. I just … couldn’t. Suddenly it hurt so much that I couldn’t breathe … I know I’m being silly, just like you said. I know I’m being weird. But I just couldn’t help it …”

The way ZaiWin suddenly leaned forward, occupying most of his personal space, made him gasp and completely forget about what he was about to say.

“Can I touch you now?”

The words were whispered directly into his ear, ZaiWin’s warm breath caressing his skin, and Snow’s heart immediately jumped in response.

Feeling too embarrassed to utter a reply, he simply nodded. And a warm hand immediately slid around his neck, holding his head in place, while ZaiWin softly nuzzled his ear. Amazing shivers coursed through Snow’s entire body all the way to his toes.

“I like it that you’re being silly like this. In fact, I want you to feel even weirder,” ZaiWin whispered against his ear. And Snow squeezed his eyes shut as if that could prevent him from listening to that disconcerting voice. “I understand what you mean, when you say I can’t see you. But Snow, can you see me?”

Snow simply nodded, and ZaiWin chuckled, nuzzling his way down his neck.

“Really? Then you won’t be mad at me, hearing me say that I want you to be in pain like this more often. That I want you to be in so much pain that you won’t be able to think about anything else. I want you to agonize over it. I want you to lose sleep thinking about it. Be more insecure. Be more jealous. Be more possessive of me. Even though I know you’ll feel wretched, I still want you to feel all this. Until you’re finally able to tell me what I want to hear.”

Holding Snow’s head between his hands, ZaiWin forced him to look up at him.

“Do you see that about me?”

Facing those cold, glistening eyes, Snow nodded.

“I’ve always known that about you. You are selfish, self-centered, egotistical, and cruel. You’re stubborn and tenacious. And you’re a sore-looser that’s too used to have other people obey you,” Snow declared and ZaiWin smiled coldly.

“That’s right. I’m also extremely possessive of what’s mine. And you’re mine. And even though you have agreed to belong to me in words, that’s not enough anymore. I want more.”

Snow blinked at that, his heart beating so hard that it hurt.

“I don’t understand …”

“No?” ZaiWin replied, lightly brushing his lips against his, making Snow instinctively yearn for a kiss that didn’t come. “Then just ask yourself, if having me tell you that I’m yours is enough for you.”

Snow blinked, feeling as if someone had just punched him in the chest.

“Why the confused look? You’ve been telling me without restrain what you want and what you feel. Why stop now? … Want me to kiss you?” he asked, his warm breath caressing Snow’s lips, and Snow instinctively pressed his lips shut. “Are you going back to being your usual silent self after all you’ve just thrown at me?”

Snow shook his head and forced himself to voice his present thoughts.

“I was just wondering if you want to kiss me because you’re still hurt … or something else.”

ZaiWin smiled, slowly encircling his waist, locking him in a loose embrace.

“You always know when I’m hurt. Even if it’s something insignificant like this.”

Snow lowered his gaze to ZaiWin’s chest, as if he could see directly inside him.

“It’s not insignificant. You always get hurt when you use your daitai²Literally dai (light) + tai (mark), or holy Markings, considered Heavenly Blessings. They’re the source of power..”

“That’s called rebound. It naturally occurs when people overuse their power. In my case, it just happens more often. It’s nothing to worry about. In fact, I’m actually thankful for it. It’s a constant reminder of how much I’m risking, every time I use my markings. It helps me keep myself in check, and assures I never unintentionally over-exert myself without noticing.”

“Even if that’s so, you’re still hurt,” Snow insisted and ZaiWin’s blue gaze fell on his lips, making Snow blush again.

“And answering your question, wanting to kiss you has nothing to do with your ability to heal me. Or have you forgotten what I’ve told you before? I am not, and will never be, interested in your blood, or in your power.”

Snow frowned at the sound of those familiar words.

“I’m not saying I don’t recognize your value, or that I’m not grateful for all that you’ve done for me and for other people. I’m just saying that none of that is the reason why I want you by my side, why I want to touch you and kiss you. So my answer would have to be, something else.”

Silvareiel

Ah, bad ZaiWin is so good at overthrowing dear Snow ? Still, he was amazingly honest ?And somehow, that honesty was enough to disarm our Snow ?