Looking up at ZaiWin’s face, Snow found him glancing down at him in a mix of cold defiance and hardened resignation. And yet Snow couldn’t help thinking that, above all, he actually looked very lonely and scared.
“Why …?” Snow asked, his voice instinctively mirroring the pain ZaiWin must be feeling but would never allow himself to show.
Snow could now understand why he made a point of keeping that sword within hand reach. Without it, ZaiWin would be just as vulnerable as any normal person, with the difference that there were a lot of people out there that wanted him dead. He also understood why ZenTar had practically forced him to take it, which meant that he too knew about what would happen. Well, of course he knew! He had said it himself. It wasn’t the twentieth. Which meant that … every twentieth day of the month … this would happen? ZaiWin would be left completely defenseless and vulnerable? Snow shuddered in dread.
Why? Since when? And then he recalled what he had seen from the few glimpses he had caught of his back. The scary criss-cross dark lines covering his skin, and the unnatural, wrong feeling he always got whenever ZaiWin used his daitai.
“Is this … because of your daitai?”
ZaiWin’s hands immediately closed into tight fists, all blood draining from his elegant fingers.
“In part,” he replied between clenched teeth, his gaze hard and cold, and Snow instinctively scooted closer to him. Even though ZaiWin looked as if he could explode in an outburst of uncontrollable fury at any moment, Snow somehow knew that in truth he was just hurting a lot.
“This happens every month?” he asked softly, and ZaiWin simply nodded.
Raising one hand, Snow gently touched his face. The blue eyes looking down at him widened in shock for a split second, but then ZaiWin seemed to somehow relax a bit.
“Does it hurt?”
ZaiWin shook his head, slightly leaning into his hand.
“And it will only last one day,” Snow gathered, finally understanding the reason why he had bought the small hourglass.
And then he remembered. This wasn’t the first time he had seen him with one of those things. Back in Weiin, when he had frozen the entire room, ZaiWin had also had one of those things with him. He had even looked as if he felt sorry at having to leave it behind. Also, back then, ZenTar had also left him his sword.
“Back in Weiin … it was also the twentieth. When we were …” Snow’s eyes widened in horror. “ … attacked.”
He could barely breathe at the thought of what might have happened. Clearly, those men had been blessed with daitai, the rain they had called forth so strong that Snow hadn’t been able to see a single thing past it. And ZaiWin … ZaiWin had been completely vulnerable! Completely defenseless! Unable to use his daitai to protect himself.
A warm hand covered his, holding it against his face.
“I had you with me, back then,” he simply stated and those mere words were enough to help him calm down. In fact, ZaiWin had also been able to practically dispatch the two men on his own, Snow recalled, glancing at the sword leaning against the wall. Still, the fact that he would be this defenseless every month didn’t please him in the least.
“Does VinWei know?” he suddenly asked and ZaiWin shook his head.
“Only ZenTar. And now you,” he added and Snow couldn’t help blush. He felt very … happy, knowing that ZaiWin trusted him enough to tell him such an important secret. He also felt very scared, knowing that he trusted him enough to tell him such an important secret. On the other hand, it was good that he knew!, Snow suddenly decided. This way he could always protect him if something were to happen.
ZaiWin held his hand and placed a warm kiss on his palm. Snow smiled lightly at the ticklish sensation, but his smile didn’t last for long.
ZaiWin sighed, his warm breath heating his cold hand.
“You want to see them, right …?” he guessed in complete resignation and Snow couldn’t help feeling startled at how easily he had read his mind.
Releasing his hand, ZaiWin just started pulling his tunic up.
Snow immediately leaned forward and urgently grasped the soft fabric, stopping him, keeping it in place.
“You don’t have to!” he declared, his voice sounding louder than it should, his cheeks burning.
“But you want to see them, right …?” ZaiWin insisted and Snow quickly shook his head.
ZaiWin sighed again, and then his warm hands were framing Snow’s face, pulling him closer so that he could rub his nose against his hair. Snow almost fell forward, having to brace himself against his chest, cringing at the sudden warmth of his touch as ZaiWin made his way down to his ear. Shivers ran down Snow’s spine when he heard him take a deep breath, as if he were trying to fill his lungs with his scent. And suddenly all the anxiety Snow had felt was simply gone.
ZaiWin kissed his neck, licking and gently nibbling his sensitive skin, and Snow instinctively tilted his head to grant him better access. But then ZaiWin simply stopped, his warm hands still framing Snow’s face, gently pushing him back so that he could stare into his eyes.
“You want to see them, right …?” he whispered, his breath warming Snow’s face, and Snow lowered his gaze, feeling guilty.
“I … don’t want you to feel … sad … I don’t want to make you remember bad things …”
ZaiWin laughed lightly at that, making Snow stare back at him in angry embarrassment.
“Stop making fun of me! I’m just being honest!”
ZaiWin nodded, his warm fingers distractedly caressing Snow’s soft cheeks.
“I know.” ZaiWin was suddenly serious again, and Snow held his breath, waiting for him to go on. “I love you.”
Snow blinked. What?! And then his entire face was on fire, and he only wished he could dig a deep hole and bury himself in it.
Language:
ZaiWin: Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos).
ZenTar: Literally zen (silent) + tar (wind)
Daitai: Literally dai (light) + tai (mark), or Holy Markings, considered Heavenly Blessings. They’re the source of power.
