By the time they stopped to make camp it had become completely dark, the canopy of the trees above their heads indistinguishable against the black sky. The only light they had came from the trembling flames burning over the palms of those who possessed fire daitai1Literally dai (light) + tai (mark), or Holly Markings, considered Heavenly Blessings. They’re the source of power. which, of course, included all the royals. Even so NimRen2Literally nim (gentle) + ren (river) hadn’t been able to deny her older brother’s command to rejoin him when he had come for her. And so ZaiWin3Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos). was left all alone, just another kid amongst the many who were mostly sighing in relief at the announcement that, for now, there wouldn't be any more marching do be done.
“But where are we supposed to sleep?” someone asked and multiple heads looked around, searching for something that would look like sleeping accommodations.
“Sleep? What about the evening meal? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m starving!” another voice countered and voices of agreement sounded everywhere.
“If you are all feeling hungry you are free to procure your own food,” a strong voice replied and the entire group was immediately silent, turning towards its origin.
The Yu Calzai4Literally yu (green) plus cal (bright) + zai (blade), or Blade of Light. It can be translated in common language as Green General, one of military leaders of the Empire. Each Province has it’s own Calzai. To distinguish them they were giver different colors. was once more standing atop of a wood box, his tall and lean figure illuminated by the florescent moss covering the tree trunk behind him.
“For those of you who still haven’t had the chance to check it, inside your backpacks you will find a map of the surrounding area. In it we have taken the time and trouble to point out the main watercourses as well as the best hunting and fishing grounds. There are also a few shaded areas that we’ll explain at a latter moment. You are free to explore any of them on your free time. Also, inside your backpacks, you will find all you need to ensure you’ll stay warm through the night. From this moment until the fourth hour after DunDaozao5Literally dun (fall) + dao (magnificent / amazing) + zao (guardian /keeper). Daozao translates to dragon in the common language. So DunDaozao means the fall of the dragon, meaning sunset, which is 18h00. ManDaozao would be rise of the dragon, meaning sunrise, which is 06h00. This is the time system of the Demon Clan, which the Empires adopted. you are free to do as you please. You must, however, be back at the appointed time, and you must spend the night at this location. Failing to do so will result in points being deducted from your score. You are dismissed!” YuFan6Literally yu (green) + fan (grass). declared, nimbly jumping from the box, the florescent light coming from the moss fading away, and kids everywhere started to rumble through their backpacks, trying to verify their contents.
ZaiWin sighed and pulled the map from inside his tunic where he’d stored it, so it would be easier to reach. He already knew what was inside his backpack, since he’d taken the time to check it while they were on their way. Besides the map, his backpack contained an empty skin flask, a short knife, a glass container with an orienting crystal, and a surprisingly light blanket that, like the Calzai had stated, still seemed warm enough to keep the cold at bay during the night hours.
Taking a look at his map and then at the landscape around him, he quickly oriented himself through the big boulders sticking out of the ground at his left, and quietly made his way towards the closest stream.
Like at least one third of the kids that had attended the Gathering, none of his daitai were able to produce light but, unlike any of other kids, he knew no one would be willing to team up with him. Being the youngest of them all inevitable meant that, in their heads, he was probably the weakest as well. And his hair color clearly marked him as one with a commoner’s background, which meant that no noble kid would want to be seen even talking with him, much less actually associate with him. As if that wasn’t enough, the fact that he was perpetually on FeiWan7Literally fei (raging / furious) + wan (fire)’s black list made it even less likely that anyone would choose to approach him.
Only NimRen was foolish or naive enough to ignore all that, he concluded with a small smile as he recalled her warm words. Even when he’d been younger, she’d always treated him nicely, doing her best to encourage him even though she’d always been a lot weaker and frailer than him. Maybe because she too was different, he considered with a sigh. A royal El’Lin8Literally el (supreme) + lin (silver). Name given to the female children of the Emperor. Could be translated into princess in the common language. with almost no fire daitai. Of course that hadn’t stopped her mother from loving her and her brother from standing up for her and protecting her from whoever dared bully her. But he still liked to think that they shared that hollowing feeling of being different, and thus not truly accepted by the others.
Reaching the small stream, he took his time filling his water flask and the glass container. The dark crystal inside it immediately glowed a pale blue color, floating at the surface of the water and turning until the marking engraved inside it steadily pointed a single direction.
Happy with his accomplishments, he quickly made use of its pale light to take a better look around, easily finding a large patch of cattails nearby. Making his way to them he tried his best to pull out a few stalks without wetting his clothes too much. These would have to do, he thought, cutting them and washing them so that he’d only keep the stem and rootstock. Filling his backpack with the plants, he started to make his way back to camp, happily chewing on a white stem. Sure they would taste a lot better if he could boil them, maybe make a soup out of them. But no fire meant no way to cook anything. He would have to take that into consideration from now on, when collecting food supplies, since he doubted the Calzai and his men were going to feed them.
When he returned to base camp he was faced with an expected commotion. A bunch of kids, led by an older blond boy, had gathered and were demanding explanations about their present and apparently unacceptable accommodations. However, no royals had join their protest, he noticed, clearly identifying them through the flames they held.
FeiWan was to one side, surrounded by seven or eight kids. CalWan9Literally cal (bright) + wan (fire) and NimRen stood to another, a group of other three beautiful girls surrounding him eagerly. And the twins were simply nowhere to be seen. Which confirmed what he had suspected all along. They had all been previously informed about what was in stored for them and what to expect. Or else there was no way that FeiWan, proud as he was of his royal status, or even CalWan, obsessive about cleanliness and protective of his little sister as he’d always been, would have easily agreed to sleep out on the cold, hard floor for the next seven days.
Trying his best to go unnoticed, ZaiWin made his way to the opposite side from all of them.
As to be expected it didn’t take long for the Yu Calzai’s patience to run dry.
“Silence, you damn brats!” he roared to the surprise and outrage of many. “Who do you think you are? You spoiled, obnoxious brats that think that life revolves around pretty clothes and shiny precious stones! Can’t sleep on the floor?? Be thankful that you have a blanket to keep you warm, and these brave men to keep you safe! Do you know how many men like them bleed everyday to keep you damned brats safe inside your big, rich homes? Do you hear them complain that they have to sleep on the ground? Do you hear them complain that they are cold, or hungry? Do you hear them complain when their fathers and brothers die while serving the Empire?” he went on, his amber eyes almost incandescent in the dark, his daitai obviously responding to his lost temper. “You will sleep where I tell you to sleep! Or I will bury you in these woods myself! And you call yourselves men and women of noble blood! You are a disgrace, that’s what you are! A bunch of spoiled brats who can’t see anything beyond their own bellybuttons! How can the Empire expect you to lead our Provinces in the future? Were I the El’Dur10Literally el (supreme) + dur (ruler). Name given to the Emperor I would murder you all right now where you stand and be done with it! You’re nothing but a waste of space! Now beat it! Or I will strike you all down no matter who your parents are! Are there any doubts left??”
The silence that fell over the entire camp was so deep that not even the sounds of breathing could be heard.
The Yu Calzai glared at them one last time and then turned around, storming out of the camp, closely followed by the two men that seemed to accompany him everywhere he went.
The moment he was apparently out of ear reach, outraged voices slowly filled the night.
“How dare he? Who does he thing he is?”
“That’s right! When my father learns about this he’ll have one or two things to say about this affront!”
“Yeah! We should just leave! I’m sure the El’Dur has no idea of what this bastard is putting us through. He’d never allow some Calzai to treat us like this!”
“You’re probably right! Does anyone know how we can get out of these woods? If we manage to find our way back to one of the closest villages we could easily call for help. My father will come and get us out of here in no time at all!”
“It is none of my business, but you should just quit it while you can,” a calm voice declared, capturing everyone’s attention. Even ZaiWin couldn’t help feeling surprised at the fact that Wen CalWan had actually decided to take the time to try and dissuade that bunch of idiots, although his green eyes were clearly staring at the whole lot of them with open contempt. “It is widely known that quitting the the Seventh Year Gathering will only bring shame to your Clans.”
“Are you implying that we should put up with this kind of disrespect? Surely the El’Gin11Literally el (supreme) + gin (gold). Name given to the male children of the Emperor. Could be translated into prince in the common language. agree with us! Comparing us with mere soldiers? How are we supposed to bear this disrespect?”
“Why are you wasting your time on this bunch of dumb people, CalWan?” FeiWan asked, crossing his arms, raising his head to look down on all those who turned to see who had spoken. “Let them hang themselves if they want to. I absolutely agree with uncle Yu. Stupid people like them, that are too dumb to know how to play along even when their future depends on it, clearly deserve to die! Leading the Empire with morons like them at our service will only make things harder for us.”
“Service?! How dare you? Sure you’re one of the El’Gin, but you’re hardly the next El’Dur!” an older boy with blond hair bravely pointed out. “And when the El’Cal12Literally el (supreme) + cal (bright) as in supreme brightness. The name given to the one that will inherit the throne. It can or not be one of the El’Gin or El’Lin. takes the throne you will be just like the rest of us!”
FeiWan’s eyes flashed with fury but before he could act on it one of his followers, a golden-brown haired boy with honey-colored eyes, made the roots underground sprout to the surface and wrap themselves around the other boy’s body, squeezing him until he was screaming in pain. Everyone else immediately stepped back, lowering their heads and averting their gaze, unwilling to help him out even though they’d all been complaining in one single voice until just a moment ago
“Apologize, you filth!” the golden-brown haired boy demanded and the sound of bones breaking echoed in the night making everyone cringe. “Apologize to our El’Gin or I will break every bone in your body!”
“I am sorry! I am sorry!” the older boy shouted and FeiWan nodded, indicating that his follower should release him. Immediately the roots retracted, sliding underground again, and the boy that had been held prisoner inside them fell heavily on the ground, clutching his leg.
“We will never be like you! You lousy excuse for a noble! And the title of El’Cal is yet to be granted!” FeiWan declared, his voice filled with disdain, and turned around, walking away, closely followed by the other boys that made up his group.
With an alarmed expression, NimRen tried to go and help the fallen boy, but her brother firmly held her back, his expression cold and unforgiving and, for once, ZaiWin couldn’t help but agree with him. People like that one, who thought they were entitled to say and do whatever they want just because they’d been lucky enough to be born to a noble Clan, didn’t deserve her help at all.
Sitting down with his back against a tree, he finished nibbling his cattail’s stem and took out his blanket, wrapping himself in it as best as he could. With a second thought he took out the knife as well, keeping it within reach, and closed his eyes, trying to get some rest. He was sure the following days would be even more tiring.
The next morning the boy with the broken leg became the first member of the group to be left behind. And no one, not even those who had supported him the night before and had wanted to quit the Gathering, showed any signs of sympathy, much less offered to remain with him. Making sure he had enough water and food to last him for the next seven days, he was simply left there, alone, as everyone turned their backs on him to follow the Yu Calzai into another exhausting march.
I thought the concubine/different mother's thing was relatively obvious. Though it's interesting to find out their ages.
making the family tree sounds like it would be insane. but necessary.
on the editing side when the Yu guy snaps at the brats you have written 'Do hear' which should be 'Do you hear' 3 times.
I did built the family tree ... Had to use one of those mind maps apps And it's still not complete in some aspects. For now it's a bit of a spoiler but I'll eventually make a print screen and post it so that people can call me all sorts of names lol.
Hum ... guess I was as angry and the Calzai when I wrote this and ended up swallowing a few words The frustrating part is that I read this at least 3 times and they still slipped unnoticed! Bad, bad words!
@Silvareiel i know that feeling. Re-read something I've written several times. think I've got it near perfect. them someone points out a silly mistake that I missed on all re-reads.
"By the time they stopped to make camp it had become completely dark, the canopy of the trees above their heads indistinguishable against the black sky." - By the time they stopped to make camp,* it had...
"Even so NimRen hadn’t been able to deny her older brother’s command to rejoin him when he had come for her." - Even so,*
"And so ZaiWin was left all alone, just another kid amongst the many who were mostly sighing in relief at the announcement that, for now, there wouldn't be any more marching do be done." - And so,*...... Any more marching to be done* ( the mean Typo-san... QAQ)
" The Yu Calzai was once more standing atop of a wood box, his tall and lean figure illuminated by the florescent moss covering the tree trunk behind him." - fluorescent moss* (oooh, I like! I've nearly forgotten about fluorescent plants, thank you for reminding me!)
"In it we have taken the time and trouble to point out the main watercourses as well as the best hunting and fishing grounds." - In it,*
"YuFan declared, nimbly jumping from the box, the florescent light coming from the moss fading away, and kids everywhere started to rumble through their backpacks, trying to verify their contents." - the fluorescent light* (man, every time I see florescent I start thinking about floral scent. Probably doesn't help that the word in my native language for flower is similar to flore)
" Being the youngest of them all inevitable meant that, in their heads, he was probably the weakest as well." - inevitably meant that*
"And his hair color clearly marked him as one with a commoner’s background, which meant that no noble kid would want to be seen even talking with him, much less actually associate with him." - talking to him*, much less actually associating*
"Of course that hadn’t stopped her mother from loving her and her brother from standing up for her and protecting her from whoever dared bully her." - from loving her,* and her brother...
"The dark crystal inside it immediately glowed a pale blue color, floating at the surface of the water and turning until the marking engraved inside it steadily pointed a single direction." - crystal inside of it*.... Floating to the surface*.... Marking engraved inside of it*.... Steadily pointed toward*
" Making his way to them he tried his best to pull out a few stalks without wetting his clothes too much."- Making his way to them,*
" FeiWan was to one side, surrounded by seven or eight kids." - On one side*
"CalWan and NimRen stood to another, a group of other three beautiful girls surrounding him eagerly." - Stood on another*...... Surrounding them/ NimRen's brother.* Him isn't appropriate in this case since you have a multiple subject. Try replacing "CalWan and NimRen" with "they" and the latter part of the statement wouldn't make any sense. Who exactly is "him"?
"Were I the El’Dur I would murder you all right now where you stand and be done with it!" - Were I the El'Dur,* (also, at the end of the Calzai's rant there are "??". You might wanna replace them with either "?!" or "???")
"Immediately the roots retracted, sliding underground again, and the boy that had been held prisoner inside them fell heavily on the ground, clutching his leg." - inside of them*
“We will never be like you! You lousy excuse for a noble! And the title of El’Cal is yet to be granted!” - You lousy excuse of a noble*
Also, gorgeous chapter!
Thank you Glad you enjoyed it (though it had so many mistakes )
Just joined here. I was reading another author's work but they had so much support in the comments, so I ghosted my fandom, since I just discovered ScribbleHub. I think the fact that you don't have enough comments is disappointing. Really. Seeing your author notes at the end of each chapter is super endearing, but seeing the empty comments makes me lonely. Your story is BL gold. I'm filled with writer's inspiration for my own budding creation. The fact that you aren't a native English speaker makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. I have an editor's brain so I will probably be commenting on any errors as the story continues.
- In this chapter:
shinny
--> shiny (p17/s3?/14),
any one
--> anyone (p24/s2/w2),
- Other Chapters: sometimes words have the wrong number of double letters. Take
Holly
--> it should be Holy in all instances. Holly is a plant with red berries. I don't think that is what you mean. There are more of these but the only other one I remember is
tinny
--> tiny. Remember, two 'nn's make the "ih" sound, one 'n' makes the "ai" sound when after 'i'.
wight
--> weight (can't remember the chapter)
Maybe I'll back-track and comment on the mistakes I noted in my head. Let me know if you want that. Not sure if you can edit your content after you post.
You seem to take constructive criticism well, a trait with which I can commiserate. Don't take any offense. Your premise and world-building are A-tier. I am so impressed and grateful to read this, and seeing how often you update, with the quality of the updates . . . I just can't [even finish my sentence]. Really remarkable.
I see what you mean about flashbacks. Maybe it would have been better to toggle chapters of Snow's suffering and Nox's flashback arc. That would make it seem like two paired flashbacks of suffering~ But regardless, competition arcs are nice. I hope it's not too long so I get to read them in the present again~ In the future, I hope that any sexual content isn't rushed. They deserve to take it nice and slow. mmmm~ *ahem* Anyway, if you wanna private message me, I'm a bit of a recluse, but if you catch me, I'll proof-read for you. All I have are moths in my pockets and cobwebs in my wallet so that is all I can do to offer you my support. Please for the love of all that is good and wholly (lol) keep it up. <3
Hi there!!
First of all thank you so much for reading my novel! ^_^ I'm glad you're enjoying it enough to take the time to leave such important comments!
For a moment my eyes almost popped out when I saw that I had 37 notifications LOL. I was actually afraid I'd done something wrong and was being kicked out or something like that ehehe!
Anyways, I do appreciate all the corrections you mentioned in your comments and I will most definitely go back and correct every single one of them. Thank you so much for all your hard work. I just searched 'holly' on my manuscript and found it in 41 chapters I completely forgot about the holly plant T_T. I will do the same for the other mistakes you mentioned and take this opportunity to correct the entire manuscript, even the chapters ahead.
I most definitely don't take offense in being corrected, so please, feel free to do so whenever you find a mistake. Some times I just can't see them even though I review every chapter 3 times before uploading them. Other mistakes, like the holly, I was actually and embarrassingly convinced I was writing correctly
As for the story itself, it is a complex world that I know some people will not enjoy, since it has a lot of characters and the plot is complex. Also, although it is a BL, my main characters have a lot to deal with and a lot to learn about themselves. They are both too jaded, too distrusting and too self-centered. It will naturally take some time until they're able to recognize the value of the one standing next to them. I know that most people like the instant romance type of stories, where everything happens in the first ten chapters or so, but, respecting the characters personalities, I feel that would be impossible in this case. So yeah ... it will be nice and slow ^_^
I will not read the rest of your comments today (it's already 2h30 am where I live and I'm rather tired after a day's work). I will take my time going through them with a fresher brain and correcting everything you point out. So please don't think I'm disregarding your corrections. I truly appreciate them and am grateful if you can keep making them.
Thank you so much for all your support! I will keep you updated as I go through your notes.
@Silvareiel Haha I would probably think the same thing seeing all those notifications. Author-tan, just like you'd probably self-combust if you didn't write, I'd self-combust if I didn't read or edit! It's a curse, and, along with my quote collection of good writing, I also list and correct mistakes compulsively :P. A lot of your writing has made it into my good quote book too! (I just don't share it cuz I'm evil) There will always be stuff that you won't catch no matter how many times you read it. And a lot of people will just ignore it without telling you because they get what you mean. That frustrates me! I wanna know!! Take your time with my comments! It's more of a catharsis for me than anything else.
I'm always looking for the next thing to read. And I'm a fujoshi whore so that makes it soo much worse to find good content. I don't think you have too many characters, and your plot is just the right level of complexity for a mature reader. I find a lot of plots lacking, especially in BL, but yours is not! NZW and Snow definitely need to take their good sweet time! People don't realize that the best fujo smut comes from the amount of build-up and emotion behind the scene! It makes it all the better! That cannot be rushed. It's why MDZS is so epic and mindblowing. And btw, I do hope you know how to write smut. I am more than willing to help out if not.
Anyway, seriously, get some sleep, so your head can spin me more gold.