Thoughts, "Dialogue", Vvpjlz
A couple of minutes earlier.
A beautiful teen with waist-long hair wearing a maroon shirt with brown pants is walking out a cafe frantically looking through a plain blue note pad. Even though red eyes aren't that rare1The rough percentage of the populace eye colors: Blue-45%, Red-25%, Green-20%, Grey-10%. , you can easily find yourself lost in them for hours. Her deep bags under her eyes doesn't detract from her beauty.
She is the kind of person who would attract many gazes and the fact that she is currently muttering while looking through a note pad doesn't help her from not standing out. However despite all that, not a single person is paying any attention to her, it is as if she isn't even there. To anyone who would come across this scene would be very perplexed. However, to the teen in the center of this scene, this kind of thing isn't that rare she uses this "ability" almost every day to make her life easier, even if half the time she doesn't even know it is happening.
Kiriana Pov
That meeting with Cecil has been very informative I learned many interesting things, I finally feel like I'm one step closer to finding out what this all eye thing is all about. Well, it is kinda frustrating that I had this condition for longer yet I was unable to find anything or come with any theories. And Cecil who didn't even have the condition for a month yet experienced something that may lead to a whole new rabbit hole of clues which can lead to the truth of all this.
"Haaaaaa." I couldn't help the sigh from leaving her mouth, I just hated that I had to struggle for months to find any clues yet he was just handed such a big clue on a silver platter after, what like 3 weeks of this whole eye thing. "Well I can't be too mad at him, he was willing to help me even though I did follow him around without his consent. He was also kind enough to help me in my investigation on this mystery by telling me what he knows. Well, I can't be sure he wasn't lying about anything he said, but from what I can get from his overall reputation and how others think of him he doesn't seem like a person who would lie." She thought as she wrote notes and underlined key information in her notebook as she walks towards her house, however after a couple of minutes of walking it finally dawned on her.
"Crap, I forgot to grab some groceries. I was too busy with the meeting with Cecil that I completely forgot to buy something for dinner." She cursed out loud. After stuffing her note pad and pen into her pockets, she rushed to the nearest grocery store. After 25 minutes she exited the store with 3 bags full of groceries in one hand, and her other hand stuffing her wallet into her back pocket. She started to walk to her house again, and as she walked she decided to review her notes from the meeting again to make sure she didn't miss anything important or groundbreaking.
She didn't get too far when she noticed Cecil walking with if she recalled Jacob and josh. "If I remembered correctly the pale one wearing the blue hoodie is Jacob, and the tanned one with the orange t-shirt is Josh." She quickly hid behind a corner of a building to make sure Cecil doesn't notice her, she knows she doesn't have to worry about the other two finding her. "Maybe I should follow them, I could learn more about Cecil. Which can help me find out what we both have in common, and if I can do that I might figure out why both of us have this condition." She quietly followed them, making sure she is close enough so that she doesn't lose them, but far enough so Cecil won't notice her. Eventually, they parted ways, I decided to follow his friends a bit. I didn't want to further risk Cecil potentiality finding me and risk damaging any trust he might have of me.
While following the two friends it quickly became apparent that they were more then just friends. Not only did they start to hold hands soon after parting ways with Cecil, but they also started to act very intimately with each other. Also when they arrived at what seemed like Jacob's house, Josh gave Jacob a goodbye kiss on his lips. I had to cover my mouth of my one free hand to make sure a gasp didn't escape my mouth. Well in hindsight I didn't have to do that as I could scream out loud in the middle of a crowded street but while under the effect of my "ability" not a single person would even glance my way.
I quickly left the scene thinking that I saw something that I wasn't meant to see, after a couple of minutes of running I finally arrived at my house. I opened the doors and saw that my dad wasn't at home yet, I glanced at the clock in the kitchen and saw it was 6:14. I changed into something more comfy and cooked dinner. I ate my half of dinner and left the rest for dad when he comes home around 8 on the kitchen table. Afterward, I walked up to my room, flopped onto my bed and thought over everything I learned today.
"Okay first, Cecil's two friends are defiantly not just friends with each other, but why would they hide the fact they are going out? Do their parents disapprove of that kind of relationship? No can't be, if they were hiding it from their parents they wouldn't so boldly kiss each other in front of Jacobs house." My mind was a mess trying to figure out why exactly they would be hiding their relationship. After 10 minutes of thinking, I eventually gave up and decided to try to solve my next question. "What exactly is this sky vision(just a temp name I decided to call it for now), and can I do it too?"
After a bit of reviewing my notes, I noticed something very important missing from my notes. "AH! I FORGOT TO ASK HIM HOW HE DID IT!!!" I couldn't stop myself from screaming, thankfully I was alone right now or my dad would be yelling at me what was wrong. I rolled around my bed cursing my stupidity for a couple of minutes when I suddenly remembered I could just call him. Which I did, after a few seconds of ringing he picked up. I then asked him how he did it but was kinda disappointed to hear that he doesn't know and that all he did was go to sleep. I asked him if he did anything before or during the event that might have triggered the "ability", there was a moment of silence before he said that he was thinking about the meeting. He also explained or complained ( I couldn't tell when it comes to Cecil) that it was very annoying as when he woke up from the experience he felt like he didn't get any sleep that night. When he finished I thanked him and just laid in bed thinking over what he said.
After an hour of thinking, I finally noticed something. "He said that he was thinking about the meeting which means he was also thinking about the cafe too, and the first thing he did during the experience was to look at the cafe. Does that mean that to activate the "ability" I have to think of a place? He didn't know what the cafe looked like or where exactly the place was, so I doubt I need a clear picture in my head to do it. He also said that he didn't get any sleep, does that mean that using the "ability" use energy? Or was he awake the whole time and just thought he was asleep?" "Hmmmmm." "I think I got it, well I can't be 100% sure until I actually try to do it," I mutter to myself trying to convince my self. I took a few deep breaths, closed my eyes as I started to think about the school. After a few seconds, everything turned black.
I'd like to suggest a few things:
>The punctuation needs to be worked on because you end up mixing different phrases together which makes it hard for me to understand.
>The sentence structure is alright, but I'd recommend spacing them out as the big, chunky paragraphs do not make it easy to comprehend what's written. Separate the thoughts of the characters, the dialogues, their actions. Remember, you need to change paragraph whenever a new character speaks, the scene transitions into somewhere else, and when the topic changes. The jumble of dialogues, actions, and thoughts all in one is a bad idea.
>Give the characters some time to breathe. The story feels so fast-paced when I read it, but if I pause to give it five minutes to sink in, I realize it's going at the right speed (imo, at least). But I don't have that little time to let it sink in, no story must be like that. It feels so fast-paced because the sentences are clustered together.
>I'd recommend not giving unnecessary descriptions. For example, what a character is wearing. No one is going to pause to imagine them, just a vague outline which would be forgotten in the next five seconds, give or take. Describe the clothes when there is a special occasion (like a party, or an event where the character would gain special attention), or when a character meets another - but don't go into detail. For example, if I were to meet someone new, I wouldn't go, "She's wearing a beautiful raven crop top, paired with blue shorts and golden heels. Beautiful pair of earrings dangled from her ears, etc." Not on a regular meeting, at least. If she were a romantic interest or if the situation called for it, then sure. But I sure as hell wouldn't do that if I saw her in passing. I am not sure if that makes it clear enough or not. Just make sure to write about the clothes when you know your readers would care about them.
>Do not give a reason for every little thing your characters do. You are not our mother bird. You're the king/queen here, feed the readers the reasons which you think we wouldn't be able to grasp without some help. Some things are meant to be mysteries, some of the things are for the readers to figure out, and some things are meant to be fed to us with a golden spoon.
>Write their story the way it would play out in real life. In my opinion, Kiriana seems too...uh, I can't think of a word to describe her. If I were in her situation, sure, I might take notes cause they're helpful, but I wouldn't keep reading through them all. the. time. Because I know what I wrote just an hour or two ago. Both Cecil and Kiriana seemed too rigid, the scene was unnecessarily long with thoughts that were explained in too many words, their cautions actions were understandable, but all the wait? Not so much. If Cecil is so smart, why did it take a few days for him to understand that Kiriana was stalking him? Really? For eleven days, they stalled it, and what did Kiriana achieve? Nothin substantial. A smarter way would have been to have the confrontation within a couple of days. As I said, make it as realistic as possible. I sure as hell do not have the patience to let a strange chick stalk me for eleven days when there is a huge ass creepy eyeball hanging in the sky. Not when I know that only the two of us were able to see it. It does not make sense.
I do not know if I am looking for logic too closely, but following a logical and sensible string of events is a much better idea. This is meant to be constructive, I hope you understand. I am an amateur writer myself and since I do not get feedback from lazy readers, it stagnates my progress. I try to help writers who are like me and make them progress in their writing. :)
As a reader, I find this really intriguing. It has a really nice concept, original if I were to say it directly. You don't get to see that nowadays. Really like the BL part (*fujoshi giggle*). :D
I~am~a~faithful~reader. Did not mean to come across as rude or mean. :)
Thank you for your advice I will try to better the later chapters so that it isn't t so fast. I will also try to cut out any unnecessary description too. I really appreciate the help.
@TheOneWho I was really nervous about reading your reply because I felt like a mean demon. Thank you for accepting all the things I said. :)
@AlysterElai It's fine I know that I need to improve on my writing so I'm glad to get any advice and criticism I can get. I'm just glad you can help me on my road to improving. :)
@TheOneWho :D The honour is mine!