I don't know how I know this, but I'm dead.
I'm in a dark space that's warm and comfortable but completely unlike a bed. It makes no sense, I can only be dead.
How did I even die?
I can't remember but that's probably for the best. Maybe that's what happens when you die, it gets blurred out. Because otherwise, it would be too much, it would hurt too much.
It already hurts, it hurts so much. I don't know what hurts more dying or being dead.Why did I say such things back then.?
Damn it why did I say all those things. "I want to die" I'm better off dead" "I should just-" Damn it Damn it Damn it!
It hurts. Now that I'm really dead, it really hurts so much. What a weakling I am, a hypocrite. In the end, really I wanted to live huh? I had a lot of problems, my life wasn't easy....but still I wanted to live.
Mom, Dad, everyone....I'm sorry.
I am so sorry.
I don't want to leave you all. I want to stay longer, do more, be more. I wanted to make more memories. I wanted to make you all happy...I wanted to live happily.
But I can't anymore.
It's all my fault. I didn't do it myself but I still died. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
There's nothing I can do in this space but cry, so that's what I'm doing. Cry and scream and cry some more. In this dark safe space, I'll cry out my regrets and then some. Because it's too late for regrets but I'm endlessly filled with them.
I cried and cried into the darkness yet nothing happened. I didn't feel much better as I cry, it was just too much to hold in.
So this is what it's like to die too soon. To die like I did, full of regrets.
I cried even as I saw a light shining in the distance. I cried as it got closer and closer, not because of fear but because I was just so damned sad.
So this is it?
No! I won't accept it! I want to live! Do you hear me? I want to live!
A flash....and I'm gone...
...or am I?
It's too bright, everything is too bright and too loud. It's the complete opposite of the quiet darkness I was in before. I can hear my own crying voice but amplified.
Everything is strange, scary and all too much. It's awful.
"It's a girl! A healthy girl!"
I hear shouting in an unfamiliar yet still understandable language.
"Deep breathes, you must keep going M' Lady!"
"Prepare more hot water stat! We must prepare for the next one."
I hear a woman scream in excruciating pain and the rush of panic around me. Voices I don't recognize, strange words that I can somehow comprehend. I can hear those sounds muffle as I get further and further away from the awful noises.
In a way I understand.
Just like how I knew I was dead, I understand that I've been born again. I'm alive!
But I can't stop crying, it hurts. Not so much physically, though all my senses do tingle uncomfortably. The pain I'm feeling is more mental, the regrets of all my life culminated.
I only stop and calm when grabbed by large steady hands. They're rough, not exactly gentle but the stablest I've ever felt.
I can't see clearly, everything is a blur. But it's a man, that much I can tell from how he holds me and his general shape. He holds me calmly and for the moment I can stop the painful sobbing.
He hums, and though I can't see well I can tell he's observing me intently.
"Congratulations Lord Commander, your first grandchild."
Another voice, more words, and people I don't recognize. But it's better here compared to where I was, much quieter, and without the overstimulation of everything around me.
"...I see." that man finally speaks, his voice oddly soothing.
"What is it my Lord?"
"You too huh...I thought I was the only one."
"Pardon me Great Lord, whatever do you mean?"
"It's nothing, just..."
"She's done this before. And she's not happy about it."
"Haha very well then, I'll allow it. While you are under my line your name shall be Rosalia."
"A name directly from you sir? My what a blessing!"
"A blessing? Ha, that will be up to you little one. Do your best then. It will be interesting if anything."
Those hands wrap me in something warm. It can't compare to the dark but it was still good, comforting. Despite the sounds of screaming and rushing people a sense of lulling peace compels me. As if something heavy has been crowned upon my head and eyes.
I may be imagining it as I fall asleep but it feels like gentle rocking, strong and steady. I'm too tired from crying to consider the stranger's words any further.
I just take them as truth, I am now Rosalia.