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Do I hate Prince Edmund?

In the last few years, I’d had a lot of time to think to myself. And I realized what I had for Prince Edmund wasn’t love. I might have liked him initially, but it was not love.

It was obsession.

I was obsessed with having him that I failed to ever consider him. Only my feelings mattered. Only my emotions mattered.

Of course, as I was obsessed about him, he was my ideal. He could do no wrong. Even when his affection began to wane, I didn't blame him. Oh, I didn't even blame myself. I only blamed her.

But unfaithfulness was never a solo offense. Two parties had to participate for it to come to fruition. What I failed to understand in my last life, I understood in this lifetime.

Even if he didn’t like me, I was his fiancé. He didn’t have the decency to break it off with me instead he went flirting with another woman. And it wasn’t like he couldn’t break it off. He knew my father didn’t care so it wouldn’t hurt the Duke’s support for him. And unlike me, he had an audience with the king daily. The only reason he didn’t break it off was that he didn’t want to fall out of favor with King Alexander.

So did I hate Prince Edmund?

Oh, yes. To the very depths of my being. That said, I think I prefer the word dislike. His very presence made my mood drop. The mere sight of his face irritated me. Perhaps because he reminded me of the actions of his future self?

No....

That's wrong. It was for another reason. Every time I saw his face, I was reminded of the fact that I was still engaged to him. And I was reminded of my inability to do anything about it.

I knew the laws of this kingdom better than any of my peers. The king had personally bestowed my engagement so even if I pled to my father and by some miracle, he listened, he couldn't cancel my engagement.

So I needed an audience with the King. I needed to tell the king to recall our engagement.

But I had tried. Despite knowing it would fail, I had tried. Regardless of my status, I was a child. Allowing a child that was yet to learn proper decorum in front on the king was not possible.

Of course, I knew the proper decorum and I made no effort to hide that but if the King didn't request for me, getting an audience was nigh impossible. People didn't just see the king because they wanted to. High nobles had easier access to the king but there must be a valid reason.

Technically, I had a valid reason, but it wouldn't fly.

Now, do I think the King would cancel the engagement just because I said so?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Sure, I might get punished severely for defying a royal order but that's what the contingency plan was for.

Speaking of which, I finally decided on what to do. I planned to save up money and learn about intense makeup. The reason for money was obvious and the makeup was in order to disfigure myself. An ugly woman wouldn't turn too many heads and I was not voluptuous, so I was safe on that end.

But I digress.

Why did I think the King would agree just because I asked?

I was banking on the fact that the king thought nothing of me. If I told him I was against the marriage, it would definitely offend him. And since he didn’t really care for me, why would he want to keep me married to the Prince, especially when I wasn’t for it?

“-dy Lydia!”

“Yes?!”  I was broken out of my reverie.

“Are you okay? I've been calling for a while,” Leonora looked a little worried.

I blinked, “Sorry. I was lost in thought.”

“Ohh. What were you thinking about?” She suddenly realized that might be too much and added, “I don't mean to pry.”

“It's alright. I was thinking about Prince Edmund,” I replied truthfully and watched as she exclaimed in surprise.

“I-I see...” She shifted her eyes, “I-I’m sure you look beautiful together.”

'I look beautiful, don’t know about him', I thought but said, “Thank you. Are those primroses?”

“Oh yes. My mother loves them.”

I smiled as the topic changed and watched Lady Leonora. She was quite the adorable child. While she tried to act mature, it was obvious she was emulating her mother in her speech and manners.

I couldn't help but shake my head.

Noble children tended to wear fake maturity because they didn't want to be looked down on. But in my opinion, it was better to enjoy your childhood. It was a one-time experience.

Oh, wait.

In my case, a two-time experience. I won't say I haven't acted as a child sometimes merely because I could…

Ehem.

I chatted pleasantly with Lady Leonora while eyeing the pond some distance away. That was most likely where Leonora met her demise. It looked shallow right now, but I wasn't too sure and I sure as hell wasn't going to test it myself.

“Oh, would you like to see the greenhouse?” Leonora's eyes sparkled with delight. She was already raring to grab my hand and drag me there.

This request seemed less for me and more for her, but I obliged.

Once we got to the greenhouse, Leonora explained that her mother had planted everything here herself.

I looked around in admiration. Countess Clementine seemed to love herbs and plants. I plucked a strand of chamomile and brought it to my nose. The apple-like fragrance was very calming.

“Wow,” I let my admiration be known.

Leonora chuckled with pride and continued to show me around. It was obvious the Countess was the girl’s role model. Even while we were talking, Leonora was ready to puff out her chest whenever her mother was brought up.

Soon, it drew close to the end of my outing. I stood before the carriage, facing Leonora while my maid put on my gloves.

“I had a lovely time, Lady Leonora. Thank you.”

“I had fun too!” she seemed a bit more loosened up and finally did what she had been itching to do all day. She grabbed my hand and flashed me a grin, “Can I call you Lydia?”

Dropping the titles meant we had become friends. Calling someone without their title when you were mere acquaintances signified a lack of respect.

I tightened the grip around my hand and moved my head a little closer, “No, you may not.”

Her eyes widened and she shrunk back. She seemed utterly shocked.

And I couldn’t resist smiling, “You can next time.”

She blinked. And blinked again. Then realization dawned on her face. I was asking her to invite me again and then, she can call me Lydia.

She burst out laughing, “Lady Lydia, you enjoy making fun of me.”

“I cannot refute that,” I smiled and finally did what I’d been itching to do all day. I tousled her hair.

She giggled and playfully swatted my hand away, “Ugh, you and papa. Leave my hair alone.”

I raised a brow. Now that was interesting. She hadn’t said a word about her father all day, but she calls him papa, indicating they were very close.

“Well goodbye, Leonora.”

She looked shocked again, “You just said—”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t.”

“Lady Lydia~”

“Hm?”

“Ugh, bye-bye,” she was pouting now. How cute.

I turned around and gestured to my maid, Hazel. She obliged and helped me into the carriage. Soon, we were off.