“Ahhh… Oh, there’s nothing better than a good bath…” Momo spread her arms. She sank deeper into the exquisite tub Itarr had made inside her room. I sat beside her, looking through the window upon our undead-filled city as warmness engulfed me from all sides.   

“It is quite lovely,” said Carrie, who gingerly dipped a toe. “It feels fantastic,” she finished, getting in. The goddesses soon enjoyed the soothing sensations. Ring bearers couldn’t feel physical tiredness, but mental soreness? Oh, that faded like an ice cube in the summer heat.   

“Are you okay with this?”  

“If you’re asking if it bothers me, then the answer is no, Servi,” replied Verta. “I am the Goddess of Family and Love. Procreation is my expertise. Therefore, I’ve seen trillions of nude bodies.”  

“Carrie?”  

“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you. I know I haven’t spoken much about my past. But I owe my everything to Verta. I…would’ve died had she not intervened to splice our souls. It isn’t easy to talk about. I…often wish I could forget it. Yet It’s because of Verta and her that I’m still here.”  

Her?  

“We understand,” said Momo. “No one will force you to talk about anything you don't wanna talk about.”  

“Isn’t that unfair to you?” Carrie was stubbornly forceful. She must’ve realized her microscopic outburst because she immediately apologized. “I know more about everyone else than you do about me. Doesn’t that make you…upset?”  

“Why would it?”  

“Why? I… It’s…” Carrie couldn’t find the words as her hands curled into fists. She eventually winced before sighing, sinking deeper until only her head was showing. “I…”  

“Don’t force yourself,” said Momo. “Honestly? It’s okay. I’m not upset. But I will be ticked off if you force yourself to do this.”  

“Momo’s right. Don’t think of it as keeping secrets because it’s not that. Honestly? You don’t ever have to tell us. We’ll never pester you about it.”  

“…” Carrie pondered in silence. Pressing the issue—continuing to say how we were okay with her privacy would only backfire. She sank deeper into the bath until only her eyes were above the waterline. Slowly, she folded her crimson kitty ears against her head.   

Carrie closed her eyes for a moment as she sat up. A deep breath later, it was evident she was straining hard. Her face was wrinkled. Her clenched jaw made my heart tinge with anxious worry.  “Umm… Please excuse me.” The nun suddenly left the bath. She dried off, equipped her habit, and presumably returned to her room. It all happened so quickly.    

“Crap… Did we mess up?”   

“No. You did nothing wrong. I won’t reveal it, but Carrie has suffered immensely. Life was harshly unfair. She’s truly a kind-hearted soul. Carrie will be fine. I’ll talk to her later once she has calmed down.”  

“Okay…” Momo seemed down, but she quickly changed topics to Verta’s flower crown. “It’s pretty, but won’t it get wet? You aren’t afraid of damaging it?”   

“I can restore it because it’s as much me as my skin. But I am curious about something.” Verta looked at Carrie for a moment before continuing. “I’m curious about how it is to live with a penis. [Lover’s Blossom]… While it…” Shadowy tendrils appeared around Verta’s neck. “It’s being used in a way I hadn’t necessarily intended,” she quickly added.  

“It’s normal, I guess,” I replied, telling the truth. “I wouldn’t change it.”  

“How intriguing…”  

I was about to ask if there were worlds out there with only hermaphrodite inhabitants, but if I came from that one, then I would’ve woken up here with a penis.   

Except I didn’t. That didn’t happen until after I met Itarr.   

“Can I presume you two have…become one?”  

“Yes,” replied Itarr. “It happened months ago.”  

“The skill provided me with different options after we went all the way.”  

“That’s by design. More options will appear the deeper you engrave your trust into each other’s soul. I’m…so glad it worked.”  

“Worked?”  

“The skill. You’re using it. That makes me happy. Your happiness, Itarr… I desire it more than you ever realize.” Verta’s eyes were glistening. She was probably thinking about the past. “Mistakes were made. Errors I cannot easily erase have…” Verta didn’t continue, and it wasn’t because of those shadowy tendrils. She changed the topic of her own volition. “I sense something discomforting. Are you perhaps…worried or anxious?”  

“Leave it to a Goddess of Love to detect that." I told her about Srassa. Itarr revealed her weakness and then admitted the fears she told us back in Arcton.   

“I see…”  

“I have these…urges. These feelings,” said Itarr. “I try to ignore them, so I distract myself with blood crystals or something else. But even now… I…don’t want it to wake up.”  

“What you’re doing isn’t healthy, Itarr.”  

“I don’t… I can’t. It’s not right. Srassa…” That topic still darkened Itarr’s heart.   

“Punishing yourself for natural feelings isn’t right, either.”  

“But… I…”  

“You and the Akashic Record taught me all you knew about love when your breath granted me life. This falls under my supervision. Itarr, do not deny your feelings.” Verta pointed to us. “Srassa will understand. It feels like I’ve known her for all my life. She cares greatly for you.”  

“I don’t exist to her!” Itarr barked. She was close to losing it. She hyperventilated. Her shaky breath only calmed when Momo and I hugged her.   

“You will, Itarr. You will. I promise you… I promise on all that I know…on all that I love...on all that I cherish…that you will look back upon these worries and wonder why you felt trepidation. I know the bond you four will share will eclipse that than even I can think of. Please, Itarr…” Verta softly brushed Itarr’s ring. “Please believe in me. Please know that I speak the truth. Please understand I’m saying this because I truly believe it.” 

“We’ll find Srassa,” whispered Momo. “We’ll hug her, and we’ll tell her…the words we wished to tell each other. Not just that—we’ll do the other things we desire. You’ll be there because you’re Butterfly Rumble. You’re a part of us.”  

“Momo’s right. Don’t hurt yourself anymore, Itarr. Please…”  

“Servi… Momo… I’m…” Itarr’s watery eyes reflected the shimmering moon. My goddess showed her weakness to the ones who loved her very much.   

Verta never joined the hug. Why? Only she knew, but I had a few guesses—maybe she was punishing herself?   

Maybe she should listen to her own advice…  

Itarr was her mother, but Itarr didn’t consider her a daughter because that Itarr and this… You couldn’t regard them the same. The memories were different.   

“I hope you find peace in your heart tonight, Mother…” Itarr didn’t hear those words. Verta stood and excused herself. She approached the door, dried herself, and clothed herself in her pastel-colored garments. The outfit definitely fit a goddess like her. “Please help her…”  

I nodded. “We will. Don’t worry.”  

“Thank you.” Verta smiled, but it wasn’t a happy one. She felt for Itarr. She hated seeing someone she loved experience so much heartache. Verta left us alone in the tub. We remained with my goddess until she settled down.   

She was embarrassed and ashamed. “How long has it been? I know the truth. You two aren’t lying. I don’t always…have to expect the worst, but I can’t ignore this fear. It…can’t be conquered. I’ve tried,” said my goddess. Momo and I held her hands. We were still in the bath. “I often have nightmares… We find Srassa. At first? She’s happy to see you two. Then we tell her who I am. Except that’s when her smile fades. Srassa always turns her back on us in tears. She always runs off, shouting that we betrayed her trust. Even sleeping in the same bed makes me feel guilty.”  

“It shouldn’t. Friends sleep together,” argued Momo.   

“I must hear it from Srassa. I won’t ever be at peace until then. My heart feels… I don’t even know.” Itarr met our eyes with tears. “You two can—”  

“No!” Momo’s reply was so sharp that Itarr flinched.  

“W--Why? You’ve—”  

“Nope. I’m sorry, Itarr, but I won’t hear of it.”  

“Don’t be stubborn!” Itarr suddenly regretted her words as she winced. “You two must have urges—”  

“Says the goddess who has them too. Look at me. Really look at me. In the eyes…” Momo palmed Itarr’s cheeks and got close enough to where their noses touched. “That wouldn’t be fair to you. Servy and I having…fun? Without you? It’s not right. I can turn your argument against you. You’ve had sex with her—I haven’t yet. You were with her first. Srassa and I came later.”  

“But—"  

“No,” Momo’s whisper was barely audible, but the powerful statement silenced Itarr. “I won’t let you hurt yourself like this.”  

I reassuringly squeezed my goddess’s hand. I knew what she wanted.   

I wanted it as well—to feel her warmth and love and affection. To melt into her arms and fall asleep cuddled in a loving embrace.   

Connecting physically… Passionately holding… Even if it didn’t turn sexual, those sweet, intimate moments would deepen any relationship.   

It worked for Itarr and me. It did wonders for myself, Momo, and Srassa.   

It was...convincing Itarr that it was okay to indulge in those emotions would only backfire. Physical pleasure didn’t always translate to mental euphoria. My goddess was already thinking herself depressed with these anxious worries. The temporary relief wasn’t worth it.   

“We’re more than the sum of our parts…” That was all I told her because nothing else had to be said. I couldn’t force my goddess to understand. We wanted to. By all means, did we wish we could take a portion of her suffering to ease her tortured mind.   

But we couldn’t. Yet we could instill affection into our rings, which passed onto her.  

It just wouldn’t be right to do anything without Srassa, which wasn’t Itarr’s fault. It would never be her fault. Momo and I believed that, but the goddess refused to accept it.   

She had to—for her own sake…and for her sanity. 

“So, this is what we’re going to do…” Itarr silently nodded as we listened to Momo. We got out of the bath, dried, and put on our pajamas before returning to the bedroom. “Friends care about each other. There’s nothing wrong with supporting someone who needs it. So… Come on, hop into bed. Snuggle between us.” 

Itarr hesitated, but I gave her a little nudge. Momo took her back, I took her front, and Itarr let it all out. She cried into my chest for almost an hour, trembling like an unsteady house. I thought we had made good progress, but it was like taking one step forward and ten jumps back.   

Progression wasn’t always in an upward, linear path. Everyone had setbacks or struggles. It was what you did with them that mattered. You had to grow and overcome them to reach grand, loftier heights.  

Itarr was my friend. We’d always be friends—and lovers. We’d always be there for each other. I could come to her for anything. She could come to me.   

With Verta and Momo? Albert and Fisher? Ni-Ni and Carrie? And Srassa?  

I was happy to be in this world. The one I came from must’ve been horrible to produce a killing machine like me. I honestly… probably wasn’t the same woman.   

That Servi was a totally different me. I didn’t think I’d ever want to return to being her.   

“Look at that,” Momo eventually whispered. “The ole gal’s finally asleep.”  

“I hope tomorrow will be better.”  

“I wish she wouldn’t feel so guilty. I guess that’s proof she has a good heart, right? Itarr’s kind. She’s sweet. Loving, too. I know Srassa’s gonna cherish her like we do.”  

“Is that a Momo Guarantee?” I asked.   

She wagged that playful tail with a cute smirk across her welcoming lips. “A Momo Guarantee with a vixarian’s Stamp of Confidence.”  

“Haha,” I silently chuckled. We stared at each other, saying what we wanted to say with our eyes until we naturally retired into an unneeded, restful slumber.    

Morning treated Itarr better than the night. We held her hands and talked for a good while as we looked forward to the day. But it wouldn’t be easy. We swayed her worries—killing her anxiety for the moment.   

It was just that—for the moment. They’d return. Maybe not for a while, but the only way to dispose of them for good was to find our group's missing link.   

“The celebration is today,” said my goddess as she walked to the mirror. Clothes adorned her body in a flash as she lightly slapped her cheeks. “It’s a day to smile, not frown. I… I won’t hamper the good vibes. Please…” Itarr turned to us with a partly outrageous request. “Smack some sense into me if I start moping! I… I must face these feelings. The final barrier is me!”   

“Smack?” Momo shook her head, answering for me. “We won’t hit you, but my mirror can help.” She flew it to Itarr’s head, where it started spinning in circles. I almost wanted to toss a handful of coins at it.   

“You just wanted an excuse to make it dance.”  

“Can you blame me? Haha!” Itarr’s worried heart had softened—always a good sign. But she was determined to see today through to the end with a smile. 

 

---SCENE CHANGE------ 

The conflicted nun was at an emotional fork in the road after she stormed away from the bath. Part of her wanted to roam underneath the moonlit sky in the real world, yet the other half was paralyzed with fear from fright that had long since assailed her.   

So, Sister Carrie was hesitant to do anything. She found a quiet spot near a tall tree on Verta’s island. But then she felt lonely. So she embraced her spear like a child would comfort a stuffed animal.    

“Are they upset at me?” The nun didn’t need to turn around. She knew who was approaching because the flowers seemingly parted for a goddess’s feet.   

“You already know the answer.” Verta sat beside her child, her hand resting atop Carrie’s head.  

“I thought I was beyond it. I… It’s been so long, Verta. I stopped thinking about it, but it’s coming back… That secluded village… The rituals… My role as a priestess…”  

“My sweet child…” Verta embraced her while she cried. Sister Carrie had remained strong for years, but those awful, dreaded memories were slowly creeping back into her mind. But it wasn’t her fault. There was the talk about Momo’s past with the vampires, Servi’s amnesia, and Verta’s betrayal… Sister Carrie was surrounded by circumstances that caused her unconsciousness to tap into her id.   

Memories better laid hidden were still the nun’s greatest weakness.   

“Maybe it’s time…for me to shed her name.” Sister Carrie’s voice was laden thick with stutters and quivered like an unsteady boat amid a typhoon.  “Carrie needs to rest. It’s not right for me to be her because I’m not her… I never will be. I never was. But… I don’t know if I can be Vali. She was weak. She was…everything I despised about myself.”  

The conflicted singi wasn’t wrong. Vali was her identity when the only world she knew was constrained to a little village. The outside world? It didn’t exist. She was taught that there was nothing beyond the mountain ridge-- that her place—her reason for existence—was to serve the people.   

Of course, ‘serve’ was a gross word used to entail something people were sentenced to the gallows for.   

“Verta?”  

“Yes, my child?”  

“I… I’m nothing without Carrie’s strength. It feels like I need her name, or I can’t…handle it.” The nun shivered. Gruesome, agonizing flashbacks popped like balloons, alerting her mind to things better left in the past. Just how long had it been since a panic attack had assailed her like so?  

“Vali was weak. Vali died… She should’ve died… Carrie’s… She’s the strong one. She’s the tough one. She’s…who I wanted to be… Why… Why couldn’t she be my mother? Why couldn’t I…”  

Why couldn’t I have been born to her?  

The nun refrained from asking that powerful question because she wouldn’t have met Verta. The Goddess of Family and Love descended unto her soul to save her from a most cruel fate when the flames threatened to burn her—when the blanket of smoke suffocated her. The splicing of their souls had foreshadowed a righteous explosion, destroying all proof of the sinful stain that was once the nun’s entire reason for existing.   

“The one called Vali…” began Verta. “She was strong. She endured countless hardships and struggled until her last moments. The one called Carrie, my child. She still lives on within you.” Verta ran her fingers through the nun’s soft, warm hair—it wasn’t always red. “This is proof she’s still with you even now. We can’t do everything alone. Some can’t do anything without help. Itarr… Mother… She’s vulnerable. The Primordial Goddess—creator of all that we can see, touch, hear, taste, and feel… She must look to others for help. It takes strength to do that.”  

“…”   

“Do not think you’re lesser than anyone else because you grip to the one you miss the most. Carrie desired your happiness—your safety. You’re the child she never had—you’re the one she deserved. You’re kind. You inherited her righteous desire. She would be so proud of you.”  

The nun broke down like a weeping child. She let herself go back to when she first felt like this—when Carrie understood the truth of her new living quarters and realized she was brought to a most unholy place to act as a mother to this abused, tortured, misguided child—a young girl who bore scars of womanhood across still-growing areas.   

The goddess supported her child until morning—the quietness was what they neither desired nor wanted, but it was what they received. Perhaps that was for the better. The lack of sound only made their tearful whimpers more audible. But their minds—the nun’s internal thoughts and desires—had no destination but to think themselves solved.   

It wasn’t that easy. The trauma she endured was the kind to last for many years and multiple lifetimes. Sure, she would experience periods where it'd vacate her mind. But all it took was a stray smell. Or an odd noise. Or a vivid picture. Or an intense touch. Or an unsavory scent. Anything could bring her back.   

An immortal body didn’t translate to an unyielding mind.   

Perhaps she relied on Carrie’s strength too much. Maybe she should have gone by her birth name from the beginning of her second chance.   

Alas, she didn’t.   

Regardless, the nun had dreams. She wanted to meet that red-haired singi one last time to return that name… Then, after reclaiming Vali, the nun would proudly march towards the future with her head held high.   

But not now… It wouldn’t be soon. Maybe even the near future wouldn’t have that. But the nun had time—years, decades—centuries, even—to become the woman Carrie yearned for her to be.   

That was the silent vow the nun made.  

Maybe she could unburden her soul. 

Maybe she could share her past with her new close companions.   

But baby steps… One thing at a time, Carrie… One thing at a time.