Jacob

Sam’s sudden departure has given me some time to think about this whole name thing. I really didn’t wanna go by Jacob any longer, it reminded me of the past and made me feel icky, now more than ever. It didn’t fit my new body, of course - just thinking about this almost made me hug myself, this is my new body. Mine. But the name didn’t really fit me either, I realized as I tried looking inside of me.

After some more introspection, Sam returned, sitting down right next to me. They looked anxious, but also happy in a way I’d never seen before. I just smiled at them, hoping to calm my friend. Since everyone was here now, it was probably about time to announce the results of me thinking to myself. Kara was starting to look a little bored, just sitting on her chair next to a catgirl that was lost in her thoughts. Her thoughts… yeah, this felt right. I was sure before, but now I felt absolutely certain that this was the right choice.

“So, I’ve been thinking…” I turned to Kara, the catalyst of this, “…about my name. And whether I really ever liked it all that much or if it’s just been a burden I carried throughout my whole life.”

Deep breaths. This was a big choice, but it felt so right that I couldn’t delay it any more.

“And my answer was that I actually never liked it all that much. Heck, knowing what my body is like now… even beyond the whole ‘terminally ill’ thing, it’s like this cured me of… something else. I feel like myself, now more than ever.”

Sam was looking up at me expectantly, eyes wide open. I could tell they’ve probably been going through some similar thoughts.

“So, yeah, I’m sure at this point that I’m a girl. Been a girl all along. Shame it took me 19 years to find out, but better late than never. Call me Phoebe. Please.”

It felt as though a gigantic weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and its name was Jacob. That was no longer who I was - that was never who I was. I have been Phoebe for my whole life, I just used to have so much on my plate I couldn’t tell.

The witch clapped her hands together and beamed at me. “Wow, Phoebe, I’m… so, so happy for you! With all that happened, I’m glad that this made you discover yourself.”
She got up from her chair and approached me, enveloping me in a warm hug. It felt like all the rest of my worries melted away. This was okay, being me was okay, she accepted me.

After she released me, I could see Sam staring up at me.

“You mean Phoebe like… all of your MMO characters?” I blushed in response.

“Umm, yeah. I dunno, it just felt right?” I half-mumbled those last words, expecting ridicule for such a silly name.

“No no no!” They pulled their legs towards themself again, looking almost more embarrassed than I felt. “It’s just… I never considered that was an option? Phoebe is such a good name.” They looked up at me, tears forming in their eyes. “I just wish I could have such a nice name, too.”

Kara and I stared at each other for a second in confusion, then back at Sam. I wrapped an arm around them. “I mean, nothing’s stopping you from choosing a new name, you know?”

“Oh… really?” It was almost too quiet to understand, reminiscent of when they first used their voice, stopping me from effectively committing suicide for their sake. Now, though, I wanted nothing more than to stay this way.

“Yeah, I mean, that’s all I really did. I tried to think of a name that fit me, and at some point I realized I did pick one that fit years ago - except that back then it was intended for a virtual character.”

They looked back at me as if I’d just blown up their whole worldview. “I can just… do that? That’s an okay thing for me to do? ...For me to be?”

Kara just tilted her head and looked at them with a sweet smile. “Of course! There’s no need to be afraid. Both of us are there for you. Just go with whatever you’re comfy with!”

Sam

Things were extremely weird when I first became like this and my body got pulled apart, but right now everything somehow felt even more disorienting. And to make matters worse, this time it was all on the inside. I felt I had to be Sam for my whole life, no matter what, but these two just… seemed so ready to accept me choosing a different name? Phoebe’s name fit her perfectly, and her looking down at me with those eyes and her pretty face, just showing this extreme sense of understanding? Of wanting to comfort me? And part of me didn’t want to be comforted, wanted to be strong, strong on my own. But if this whole experience today made me realize one thing, it’s that this voice in my head is bullshit and keeps me from being happy.

So I tried to shut it out. Focus on me. Being me.

Who was I?

First thought. Sam. No. Immediately shot down. I’ve been through that. Now that I knew I could cast this name off, I was not going back to that.

Second thought. Cadence. Where did that come from? Not that I didn’t know, of course. Phoebe used to be my friend’s online persona, and she was usually accompanied by Cadence on whichever adventure she went on. My go-to name for MMO characters. It was just so surprising that that name came so readily. Was that how Phoebe felt, too? Using those characters, throughout so many games, always carrying the same name and similar looks, as an extension of herself? As something we thought we could never reach? Something we now actually have reached?

If I weren’t sitting already, I’d probably have been stumbling around the room. It felt like my entire world was turning upside-down. Like all these universal truths I was leaning on were rapidly falling apart. I needed something else to support me now, now that my whole world was uncertain and changing.

Or maybe it could be someone else.

And so, I let myself drop to the side, snuggling up to Phoebe.

She looked down at me with concern. “Everything alright?”

“I decided I wanna go by Cadence,” I mumbled into her gown. She gave me a knowing look, full of support, and I felt perhaps the happiest I’ve felt in… forever, probably. This could be me. This was me. This was okay.

Kara spoke up, and although she was sitting pretty much right next to us, it kinda felt like she was miles away. “Sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

I pulled myself away from Phoebe in a hurry, doing my best to sit up straight. “Ah, sorry. I… I’m Cadence… if that’s okay?”

The witch couldn’t help but laugh. “Of course it’s okay! Though you really don’t need my approval to be yourself. Come here, you two.”

She journeyed back to our couch once again, and enveloped the both of us in a tight hug. This finally drained the last of my worries and shut up the part of my head still protesting this, trying to go back to my sad old life. I was going be myself, and I’ve got people supporting me. I’d figure out the rest later.

Even after Kara let go of the two of us, Phoebe and I continued clinging to each other. At some point, she started playing with my hair, and I let out an involuntary squeak in surprise, leading to the both of us blushing. “Oh… sorry. Should I not do this?” For just a brief second I deliberated saying yes, going back to how things were. But, then again, from the brief moment she actually did so? This felt nice. Comforting. “No, it’s okay. Please… keep doing this.”

And so, she continued ruffling through my hair, scritching around my ears, and I just melted into her touch. Never did I ever expect this would happen to me, as much as I sometimes yearned for someone to just be there for me, so this felt incredible.

I realized, however, that I should give back, too. I tried reaching my hand up to her, making her look at me full of confusion, before I managed to ruffle the side of her head. “Darn. This is the one case in which I wish I had my old height.” While I was deliberating what else I could do to make her happy in return, I felt a weight on my lap and saw Phoebe just wordlessly making herself – or, more specifically, her head – comfortable in my lap. I would’ve jumped up in surprise if there wasn’t a cute girl’s head located in the way.

Feeling me recoil a little, Phoebe immediately jolted back up. I wondered if that was some cat part of hers at work – she went from lying in my lap to sitting up as straight as a stick in an instant. “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I–” I could see tears starting to form in her eyes.

I immediately hugged her as tightly as I could and could feel her loosening up in my arms. “It’s okay, Phoebe. I was just surprised. I didn’t mind it.”

As if to reinforce that point, I tightened my embrace. “This has been amazing, Phoebe, just… all of this.”

“Thank you, Cadence, thank you so much. I’m just… so scared that I’ll do something to hurt you… or make you uncomfortable…”

“It’s okay, Phoebe. I’ll tell you if that ever happens, don’t you worry. You can… lie down again… if you want to.” I let go of her and looked up expectantly. After some moments of hesitation, the conflict plain in her eyes, she rested her head on my lap again, this time being slower, more deliberate.