1.07: That’s why, ‘Pay to Win’ cannot help me.
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This chapter is probably next to last one for our dear young protagonist to face the cruel factors of 'adult' things. After this ... I should be getting to the description of the 'pay to win' system more (might take some clues from gacha games maybe).

PoV: Raindrop.

"GET AWAY FROM HER!"

Raindrop squealed in fear ... and so did Bela. But, since Raindrop had said she wanted to help, for this moment she dare not be afraid any more!

If this ... if the voice was really Bela's mother, Nissihana, then ... was that the voice of a demon woman, trying to scare Raindrop? Or, was that a mother somehow trying to force her daughter to run?

But after a couple seconds of her and Bela shivering on the ground in this mind space, nothing more happened. No more angry words.

"Raindrop I'm scared. What if ... she's calling me to her, harder than ever before."

"Be less scared. And if she's calling to you, it doesn't mean she has you, or that you need to answer. Or you can call out to others, to help you too-"

"-but. But. But I want her back! Even if she went to the demons, I ... I need her, I'm hurting ever since she left-"

"But okay then Bela so if you do love her, are you saying you love how she is now, or how she was in the past? Because I think, the way it has to be, you can't just ... you can't let her tell you what to do, how to be-"

"... but that's my mother. Even if she's a d-"

Bela dropped silent, to maybe think it over. Raindrop had tried to say some true things, to not just let Bela set the pace either. Chun Fa had said some big things were gonna be so important now. And funny too, how some of them also came from things Jenny might have said in the past.

"But Bela. Even if she did turn demon, does that mean before then, that she would want you to love her even if she did fall into the demons' hands?"

"N, no, and I know she said I might have to leave her some day, but I didn't know. After all I heard and saw, not just the day she did fall, but then, even just a week after it, walking down a street with my Grandma-"

A new memory tree flared and vanished, triggering an all new memory flashback; Raindrop saw this was where Bela was telling her, of that day.


PoV: Nissibela.

A single week after that day where her mother had ran away, never to be seen again, young Bela walked hand in hand with her grandmother, the mother of her mother. She'd heard all the subtle whispers, some deep innuendo ― and once even of Darken's own mother telling him, don't play with her, she's "damaged" right then.

Did that mother goddess have a right-

Nissy saw through this memory, of what she'd done. After a particular weird look from Darken and his mother crossing their paths on the street, Nissy could take it no more, and had pulled out of grandmother's hand, to run around a corner. Grandma 'lani somehow knew to not chase her down, not just then. But around the other corner of the building, other younger deities were also talking ― of her. Nissy had stuck as if glued to that corner, keeping out of sight so she could listen into their words.

"Why not be kind?" one other young goddess called. "I see Bela hurting. She needs a kind word too-"

"Aw shut it Kindra. That's only your own domain talking."

"So what, Vulk, do you think Warfare is gonna help Bela?"

"... whoever said I'd wanna help that loser. Oh hey Darken, where ya been."

"Had to slip away from Mom. You see Bela lately?"

"Yep, 'ken, we're just talking about her."

"So what's new then, Kindra."

"Nothing. But I wanted us to get something to gift her-"

Nissibela did feel happy at this sentiment, though ... it would only last for a moment.

"Nah. Mother told me to stay away from her a while, I'm not wanting her 'crazy' family stuff to stick on me, either. Ma said, she's 'tainted'."

"... that's not nice."

"It's no less true than Kindra being too kind to a crazy girl! She's damaged, right!"

The young version of herself, almost glued to the corner, was already in tears at this time, hearing all those things. Even the her of now, also had tears at hearing it again. Just at the time when ... as her grandmother had said ... Bela might be wanting to know which of her young friends she could trust ... and none of them stuck out, except Kindra. But ... would the memory change, would Kindra stay this way, or change too-

"Wait wait, shh, Kindra that's your mom calling you from over there- Um hurry, she and your big brother Cam are headed this way!"

"Coming Mother!" Kindra had called out loud. "Um guys. I'll come tomorrow, and then we can talk again ... oh Mom! What's up."

"Kindra dear. Are you ready to go-"

"-to where, Mom; can I go shopping with you-"

"-to see Nissilani and Bela, of course. Let's go give some encouragement."

Bela heard the pause, could not see the faces; but maybe ... these children were glaring at Kindra?

"... no, thanks Mom. I ... got something to do."

The younger Bela had run off at this moment, speeding away from the corner, even as one youngster had peered around the corner to see her running from there.

The memory popped out of existence, to leave Raindrop and Bela standing here alone.


PoV: Raindrop.

"I ... I'm so sorry you went through that alone, Bela."

"..."

Raindrop continued with the one sided hug, as soft tears fell from the other girl.

"Why did they have to say those things, Raindrop! Why?!"

"Maybe they just don't know what to say. But what my Mommy said too, is sometimes bad things can happen, but it doesn't make you bad, or not even another person bad. Even if Kindra did not reach out to you then, see I am reaching out to you now. Please, hug me too, Bela."

Bela let loose more tears, as the full weight of that anguish hit too. And nearby, even if only from the offer accepted for the hug, a new patch of ground transformed.

"But Bela. If I can forgive you earlier, for some things ― can you forgive them too for those things, for anything that has happened, or might even happen again? Are they all still so mean or cruel to you?"

Bela sniffed, and then responded slowly. "... well Kindra, I see her sometime when shopping, we talk; but after that day we really never hung out together again, as friends. I only dated Darken after then, because I was lonely, and so was he, and we met at a party when we were older-"

So then maybe if Bela's problems lately were making her 'horny' ... in whatever way Chun Fa had meant, then ― it really also has a lot to do with ... starting with dating, and relationships?

Dating. Raindrop knew, even the past her knew at six years old, 'dating' was what her sister Bethany was doing, when she went places with the boys. Er, well it seemed to be that. Maybe 'dating' was more, or maybe less. 'cause sometimes Bethany came back home with a different shirt, or wearing it a different way, like turning the sweater inside out.

But that doesn't help Raindrop to figure out how she can help Bela; for now it seemed to her, to maybe think on how the friendship with Kindra was before then, and maybe what else could cause this fighting and anger.

"Well but then, at least you and some of them talk? Or, like when you brought me to the world but said something like wanting to go be with Darken ― do you do any talking with him, or is it ... well, just that 'sex' stuff."

"Just sex. At first I tried to talk to him, because I needed to talk and I thought maybe he would understand me, even if he was one of them who hurt me too. I know he used me, and uses me still, but I use him too. It's not nice for either of us, but it's just what we let ourselves be, Raindrop."

Such a 'hard' topic to think about. Like going back to all that Mommy had said in that bath the one time, talking about not letting someone use or abuse your body, or touch it without your permission. Even if you do know someone, so you think it's okay to let them touch you ― and in some ways ... not it's not-

-but is it the same for Bela, here? Did Bela also have this, what, a time where someone did something to make her this way ― or is it just losing her Mommy too?

"So like, does it have to continue like this? Can you find someone else, or even just, I don't know, be without Darken for a while?"

Bela frowned; Raindrop wondered if she asked something wrong, or if maybe this was just ... something personal.

"... you don't know yet, Raindrop. You don't know, how once you start with sex, you want it all the time. Or, well maybe some of that is my mother too; I know she's not just calling to me, but also then pressing me to ... try stuff. Stuff that even scares me. But it also feels dangerous, so it's fun too, to do those things-"

Raindrop knew, Bela was right. She didn't have that experience like Bela did; so no way could she say anything for that. So ... what's left? Something seen from this last memory, the place that now was becoming a grassy area too.

"Hey um. So ― Cam is ... Kindra's older brother-"

Nissibela blushed. And breathed, blew her nose, then laughed.

"Yeah Raindrop. It's so stupid. I was friends with Kindra when I was younger, like best friends but had a crush on her older brother Camembert. But by then because Darken was always chasing me and teasing me, I thought ... well everyone else thought too ... we'd be a match when we grew. But all along, it was ... I liked ... Cam."

"So ... you can't like him now, or something? I know, it's that relationship stuff I don't get yet. But if you liked him before, then that's something which might still be there-"

"-I don't think so, Raindrop. He had his own girlfriend already. They aren't together now, and at least that's not my fault; but now ― it's all weird for us. Even then, weirder now because ... I did watch him, once-"

New memory, one more tree popping and bringing forth the view.


PoV: Nissibela.

Young Nissibela peered from around a corner, and saw ... her crush ... Camembert ... in an intimate act ... with another goddess, Shaina.

She could not pull herself away from the moment; she watched with interest the whole scene, from beginning, to middle, to intimate finish of the act.

Unfortunately, Raindrop was exposed to this same moment; for which she was so, so, so sorry.

But the Bela she was then, turned resentful. The way she wanted Cam, but Cam was somehow with Darken's older sister then, but Nissibela of now would know Cam and Shaina would not stay together after this moment much longer.

Because ... Cam got his system training, and learned to work with the Systems. He'd spent too much time at his work; Shaina didn't want time alone, but even Bela of then would have taken Cam, if he'd have known of her interest. And, maybe Bela wouldn't mind? Because at least then she could have had some small happiness.

Beside her, Raindrop stirred, breaking her focus on this moment.

"So, when Cam said, sex can be pleasurable ... he knows, because he's that way too?"

"Yeah Raindrop; like what you just saw. Whether mortal or immortal or deity, a being does have to get to the point of finding their own balance. I still think I want to go back with Darken, or I feel a pull to go back to him, because somehow it's like ... I can't have Cam now-"

"But ... why though? Cam's in the realm too-"

"... because. Of you."

"... me?"

"Yeah you!" Bela grew angry, though not angry without a reason.

"Hey! I'm not ... well I don't think I am at fault. I don't know. But Nissibela ― if there's something wrong between us ― tell me straight, don't yell."

Bela did stop, and think. "Sorry. Raindrop. But now because of some conditions of your being here, and because I tried to run off from my world after abandoning you ... or trying to ... then the other deities like Ben and Cam were supposed to make sure I stay on this world to watch it. And then because you ... disappeared ... through those places in the space ... and then something about you seeing Jehave when none of us others can too. I don't know! It's why, I think I'm like you, Raindrop. I'm just a scared little girl inside. In here. And even if I had liked Cam in the past ... who says I can ever be ― no. How can I be anything but what I have been. He expects me to-"

Nissibela stopped. But Raindrop was ready to say something too.

"So Bela. Even if it's not an easy thing, it's what I said, before. Can you hold off on being with Darken, even if you don't have Cam ― or are you expecting to be with someone, anyone, just to not be alone."

"I don't know. Because my mother still calls me, even now ― I can hear her even if you can't. And some of the pressure is to just ... give in, go do what I want, not have a care for the things I should or care for what my grandma 'lani taught me."

Raindrop just looked around for a minute, because maybe she didn't know how to say anything more. How was she the one to be here with Bela ― aah because Raindrop volunteered, by holding the paper circle.

But then the girl continued. "I used to have a friend named Jenny, who used to say, take hard moments slow, and sometimes step back and think again what you know. I didn't get it, but I think I do now. Bela, you loved your mother as she was then," she said, the ground where one memory tree was grew back brighter, and a seedling sprouted too. "And you have a grandmother who also loves you then and now," as she continued, here seeing a second spot do the same made the area brighter. "And then, even if some of the children then left you or hurt you, you still have more chances to make them friends too. Even if your mother left you, your mother from then did not stop loving you. But maybe in how the demons called to her, she felt she had to get away from you or risk hurting you too. At least, I think she left so you could get stronger."

"... but I'm not! I can't be strong, I don't have any strength for anything!"

"But you do, Bela; even if you misused it, you do have your domain of Play. And you are not stupid, in fact I think you are so smart. I only wish you didn't use it to hurt me with that repeat of ... Uncle Herb-"

"-I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could undo so many things in my life-"

In this moment, a hundred trees exploded, and if Raindrop felt the rush of all the memories, all at once, even Nissibela did too. It hurt!


PoV: Raindrop.

Raindrop buckled with the pain, but kept an eye to Bela.

Well if it hurt Raindrop herself, then for sure it hurt Nissibela. Yeah, the other girl was slumped upon a spot of spongy ground, just sobbing in the moment.

What can someone just like Raindrop do, when the one she wanted to help was so, so hurt by all of this? And not any hurt like falling off a bicycle and scraping a knee; but hurt in a sense of being thrown into a lot of water, like the time the family went to that great big lake, and Daddy playfully pushed Mommy into the water-

But. Even if Daddy did that, Mommy wouldn't drown he said, 'cause it's so near the shore; he still held out a hand while laughing, and pulled her back onto the dock. But for Mommy, she didn't expect Daddy to do it, and had inhaled some water, so she kept coughing a lot. Raindrop didn't know, could something like that hurt, and be like this? Or was it worse?

Raindrop could honestly say, she had never felt anything like this. But Bela seemed to feel it worse than her. They were all her memories, and Raindrop is nothing but an observer, a watcher, like sitting in front of a television and flipping through thousands of channels at once.

All she could do, then, is ― hold Bela. Hold onto her and keep her with her. Chun Fa might have said something like this; how at some point the memories might try to 'overwhelm' her; she had explained at the time she might not be able to do anything, but just hold on. Well; that's what she's doing ― holding on, and trying to help Bela hold on, too. Is it working?

"LET MY GIRL GO!"

That voice, scary angry again!

"No! You can't!" Raindrop shouted on her own. Because Nissy might not be able to say anything on her own, she was shivering like this, and-

"THAT IS MY DAUGHTER, YOU FUCKING BEAST BRAT!"

"I am not!" she shouted too. Raindrop felt, maybe now would be a good time to stick up for herself, and maybe for Bela too. "She, she's her own person! She's not you. And if she's not you then you cannot tell her what to do! She's my friend, and I'm here to help her!"

The other voice turned to a shriek while she said these things, but yet, Raindrop had to say them, she had to. Bela's crying grew harder, and her shaking was more; but as she said the last bit and the screaming voice left, then she felt, Bela calmed down.


The crying had went on for a while ― Raindrop didn't know how long, but that's not important ― and finally then Bela settled, and pulled back.

"... hey um. I'm, sorry."

The whole realm started to brighten, only one small bit. Could giving an apology do so much, for her whole mind space? Yeah maybe, if what Chun Fa said of Bela maybe having this 'guilt' thing is true.

"It's okay. I'm okay, you are okay aren't you? We are okay together, and ... are you hurt anywhere now?"

Bela smiled, probably the first genuine smile she had done in some time. "Y, yeah. I think okay." The smile fell, to be replaced with a faint line of worry. "The voice ― if that was my mother ― I felt it run away. Well it's still in the background, somewhere in here; but at least for now, it won't bother me so much."

"No Bela; Chun Fa said we can't just leave the pressure in the background, because it will come up again ― resurface, I think was the word ― and make life difficult again. So this is the hard part, Bela. We have to go confront that voice, that pressure from your mother, again. And defeat it. Beat it. Make it go away, for good."

"... but then ... if I don't get to have any ties to my Mother ... I'll ... lose her."

"Bela ... is that really your Mother? Is that how you always want to remember her, as someone pressuring you to become ... horny? A demon?"

"... n, no."

"No on what part."

"... all. I don't want to think of her as a demon; because I do still have that memory, those many memories, of all the times I'd held her while she hurt too. I want to rescue her, somehow. But I'm stupid. I thought, I could do it alone. And then, maybe I could have my own heroic tale, like Gran-"

"I don't think heroic tales are always so great, Bela. If the reason you do this is to be a hero ... you could fail. But then if there's something you have no choice to face but alone, and then somehow come out alive and as a winner ... then maybe that's the better hero?"

Bela turned aside, looking this time directly to a pane of light, still remaining in the nearby grove of memory trees.

"But I have this whispered too; I can be a hero, I can try to rescue my Mother-"

"And what if that's another trick she and the others are playing on you too? Doesn't it seem like, they would do something like that, play on your emotions and desires to get her back, just to pull you in to them?"

"... but ... well ... maybe so."

"Or, maybe I should ask, Bela. What is that place, that pane of light there? Chun Fa said, sometimes in these situations, there might be a place where the outside can influence what's inside the mind, more than other places. So if that's a place that is where your mother is calling out to you from, then ... that's what we need to defeat."

"B, but I can't, Raindrop; don't you understand? Even if it's my Mommy on the other side ... if that disappears, then ... then I can't get her back!"

"... but what if making that go away proves to them, just how strong you are, or have become? What if you are letting the weakness of you, defeat you by leaving it?"


PoV: Nissibela.

Bela knew this one thing is true. Her mother was definitely still here.

She'd heard faint calls, fainter than before; but still there. And ... saying bad things.

'Bela honey, just give in. Come on, go ahead and fuck the little girl. It does not matter if she will agree to it ... just do it. I will even stop pressuring you to come to me, if you just mess her up.'

She shivered. Glad that her 'friend' Raindrop did not have a hold on her, right now; Bela still fought against this thought. If Raindrop was to be a friend, then ... Bela knew she had to fight this!

... but also, because this was her mother-

'Come on then. Just like I got you to do with the uncle, and you did a nice job turning him goblin there. Now, what about bringing the mother of Raindrop here too, I sense in her world she is about to give up as well. Then ... how about making the mother an orc woman, who can then overpower young Raindrop-'

No! she shot back in her own mind. I cannot! If you love me, Mother, you will not ask me this!

'Then I guess I do not love you after all, you petulant child. Hell, you were always such an overly playful spoiled brat. And why should I love a little bitch like you-'

Nissibela fell to tears.

"What, Bela? What's wrong?" Raindrop asked with a concerned look.

"... she, she hates me!"

"But I don't! Don't listen to her! Bela, I ... I care about you!"

'Ha, this is a joke. I get you to put a pedophile uncle cum goblin on her back, and she still thinks she likes you? Oho, so that is your fate, Nissibela ... oh never mind, I will not call you that any more. From now on you are instead called "Cumbucket" by me. So. Do whatever you want from now on ... Cumbucket.'

At least, the voice finally faded away.

... how?! How could a mother in one sentence call her a 'honey' and the next one a 'petulant child' ... and how could she handle this!?

Nissibela ― the last goddess of the Nissi family ― gave way to all the tears and more, as she realized the finality of her mother's words.

"... Bela! Hang in here, I'm here with you-"

Bela knew, what Raindrop could do was little more than a drop in a bucket, compared to all her own mother had done.


PoV: Raindrop.

She heard these bad words, what the mother had said ― words she didn't know and didn't think she should know ― but still, hoped her new friend did not hold on to them. Bela did shudder ... and just stay there with this finished look in her face, tears still streaming.

"... she hates me ... she hates-"

"No!" Raindrop injected. "Bela no! Don't think of that!"

How long would Raindrop have to hold onto Nissibela? Would she ever put this sadness behind, like Mommy once said?


PoV: Chun Fa.

Chun Fa had of course created the paper disc for the confrontation from her own essence; so while it was in use she could observe partially the event.

This last part is always the hardest; always. For the two in this mind space ― Nissibela and Raindrop ― to complete the confrontation, they would both together have to face the mother, one last time. It would be an all out attack from the demon realm too.

But the good news is, the process is now nearly ninety five percent done; only waiting on the last touch, the end of the matter. To put a face on the shapeless force of 'bela's mother.

The finishing touches ... should be completed within the next four or five hours. But for now ... hmm; time to trim the tea bush.

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