DetectiveRed

The chapter is still late. I'm sorry! But at least it's not 10 days like it was the last time. I did a complete rewrite and then I rewrote that rewrite because it was just a rehash of the previous chapter and that wasn't really what I wanted to give to my readers. Y'all deserve better.

Thanks to the legend that is Trismegistus Shandy for proofreading this.  Check out their work on TGstorytime here and Big Closet here. I couldn't do this without them. Give them some love. Especially if you're a fan of trans and gender bender content. They do a lot for this community.

James couldn’t explain what had happened to his feelings. One minute he was panicking and having an intense battle with himself over whether or not to allow Nick to get close to him, worrying that if he did hang out with Nick he would be found out. The next minute, he was under the tree Nick had brought him to and completely calm. It was unsettling, having all your fear and panic suddenly disappear, and then not being able to panic about your panic disappearing. It was even worse because he knew his fear was valid. Nick had already noticed his facial hair’s disappearance; it was only a matter of time until he noticed the disgusting lumps of fat that he wasn’t convinced were effectively hidden under three layers of clothes. He didn’t want to think about how he would survive in the summer. It would be way too hot in a hoodie.

He liked to think he was handling things well while distancing himself from everyone. He was totally happy with Ben talking to him like he was a brick wall and trying to figure out why his heart beat faster when Katie smiled at him or why he thought her eyes were pretty. Okay, maybe he was lonely. That didn’t mean it was okay to risk being found out. He had to suffer quietly for his safety and Nick didn’t seem willing to let him. It was worse now that he was thinking things through calmly because the logical and rational response was to ignore Nick, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was nice to be around him and he wanted to hear Nick talking. Maybe if James didn’t talk, it would be fine. 

The way Nick talked about the things he was excited about was interesting. He had this childish kind of positivity around him that James only saw when they walked to the library or talked without the other two. It was nice to see that positivity, especially when he was feeling like crap. It almost made James forget that he wasn’t in the library. As much as he made fun of Ben and Lachie, they were his friends. Sure, Lachie might be a weeb, and Ben was an asshole, but they were his weeb and asshole. They were the two that hung out with him. Who played with him when he didn’t have anything to do. They were funny and never afraid to say what they thought. It was respectable and let him be honest.

Maybe it was best to just focus on Nick. Or on nothing. Nick was obsessed with a MOBA at the moment. Maybe once everything was fixed, James could play it with him. If it got fixed. That was a sad thought. Whatever was keeping him calm didn’t stop him from feeling depressed. What would he do if it never got fixed? Thinking about that without spiralling wasn’t something he’d been able to do before. He’d probably have to tell his mum eventually. The doctor said he would go through things that only his mum would be able to help him with. Would he have a mum after that? She had always been so focused on raising him to be a good man that him becoming a girl would be the biggest punch in the gut to her. Would he have to live like a girl? It was better to focus on Nick for now. He wouldn’t be telling his mum until it was absolutely necessary.

Lunch ended without Nick noticing anything. They’d agreed to meet up by the tree at lunch. Without his panic being forced out of him, he was still surprisingly calm. Maybe it was just having someone to listen to during lunch that let him relax a bit. Nick didn’t seem to notice anything about his body. It made sense that someone would come to the more obvious conclusion of shaving and sickness than spontaneous gender change. That didn’t mean he was eager to talk again or to give anyone a reason to notice things, but it at least meant maybe he could get away with some things. He could answer to roll. Speak short sentences if he had to and curse under his breath when he stubbed his toe. The important stuff. 

Lunch flew by now that he was distracted by Nick; the school day ended soon after that. He wasn’t as excited about going home as he thought he would be. The bus ride was quiet as a bus ride could be with thirty kids on board. Usually, he would message his mates on the way home to organise what they would play. Now he didn’t see the point in trying. He could message them, sure, but it wasn’t like he could play with them; as soon as he got home, he would go to bed and avoid thinking about the day, about his body and about missing his friends.  He wanted to go back in time a week and play with them again, talk normally with them again. It was nice to take out some of his frustrations on random Internet strangers with his mates. Talking to them was probably more risky than talking to Nick, though. Even if Nick’s reaction in his nightmare was the scariest, it was probably unlikely; Nick wouldn’t suddenly be attracted to him if he found out. The reaction from Ben and Lachie would probably also be different from what it had been in the nightmare; they probably weren’t going to be revolted, they were going to be sexist. That is if they accepted he was a girl at all. Ben might start treating him like they had treated Katie. As someone that wasn’t a man or a woman. Just a freak. The best-case scenario would be that he started being condescending like he was to any girl who had the misfortune of playing with him. It was something that had always been a pain about playing with Ben; you couldn’t let him be around girls since he was so fucking bad with them. James didn’t know how Lachie would react. He was awful with girls, but differently; he tended to clam up since he knew most of the gross shit he talked about wasn’t exactly what girls wanted to hear about. 

The driveway was empty when he arrived; his mum wasn’t home. He wouldn’t have to endure questions about his day for another couple of hours. Climbing into bed seemed like a good plan. He didn't get tired after school before this hell, but he wasn’t going to complain about being able to avoid his problems. It was a relief to take off his bra; he could see why girls hated those things. They really made it hard to breathe. The covers were warm and he quickly found himself drifting off to sleep.

“I knew we shouldn’t have let her play with us,” Ben spat through his mic. James knew they had been playing a game together, though he couldn’t remember what game, or how it was played. 

“Who?” James asked, but it wasn’t his voice that came out of his mouth. It was pretty, and feminine, even after his body had changed it never sounded like that, there were girly intonations. He sounded like a bimbo.

“You, Jane.” Jane, since when, was he Jane? Since when did they know? The screen of his laptop was barely readable, he didn’t even know what they were playing. 

“Ben, what’s going on?” He didn’t want to sound scared, but his voice didn’t seem to care. It sounded like a scared girl. He felt so weak. 

“See, Lachie, she doesn’t even know what's going on!”

“That’s not my fault, you’re the one that wanted to play with a girl,” Lachie responded.

“Yeah, but you're the one who wanted that slut to play with us.”

“Can you blame me, she’s hot and she said she played games. I didn’t expect her to be that useless.”

The two argued in front of James. Which he found odd since they were talking over mic just a minute ago. Weren’t they? More importantly, why were they acting like this?

“Aren’t we friends?” his body sobbed. The control he felt over his body was minimal. One thought about whether they were friends had his body respond by starting to sob. It was more like watching a girl through her eyes, whose actions were only slightly linked to his own. Sure, he was freaking out about being trapped in this body and about the fact that his friends didn’t seem to think he’d ever been a guy. 

“Just because you’re fucking our mate doesn’t mean we are friends.” Ben had always been the jealous kind of guy. James had talked to very few girls in the past, and every time Ben would get jealous that girls didn’t hate him. Now the question was, who was Ben jealous of now? Who had Jane been dating? He found it best to distance himself from the body. It would be easier to not freak out if he pretended he was just watching things through an unrelated girl's eyes. 

“Leave her alone.” Of course, she was dating Nick. It hurt knowing that he would be seeing him as a girl. 

Before they responded, James felt warm and weightless. He looked up to see Nick. His tanned skin looked good in the sunlight and his eyes were as warm as ever. Jane reached up and ruffled his hair. It pissed him off. Why did he have to be dating a guy?

“It’s not polite to distract me while I’m carrying you, James,” Nick said with a smug smile. It felt like a spell had been broken, James felt like he was in control of his body again. So, why was that smile making his heart pound? Why was Nick making that face? He never made that face.  

 “You called me James!” His voice was still that feminine voice from earlier, but he was too excited to care. Someone remembered his name.  Someone saw him as a guy. 

“Of course I do, I wasn’t going to forget my boyfriend's name.” Nick leaned in closer. Strangely, James didn’t feel like moving.  

James woke up covered in sweat once again. He didn't know if that was the result of the nightmare or something new to do with his body? He hadn’t had nightmares this targeted before. They usually didn’t make him want to cry when he woke up. Why was it always Nick? Why couldn’t he be dating a cute girl like Katie? They were his dreams. Why did Nick keep coming into his head?

“Dinner’s ready,” his mum called. He was glad to be worried about something else. Introspection was not his strong suit.

DetectiveRed

Any feedback is appreciated. I'm thinking of adding a couple more dreams into the story since the original Nightmare chapter didn't really have any follow up. Kind of the same with how I am adding more panic attacks when James gets extremely stressed since I never revisited that in the original. I think dreams are a fun little dive into characters subconscious. Any favourite or anything is appreciated