DetectiveRed

I am not entirely happy with this chapter. I will revise it but I wanted to at least have it out so y'all could read it. Even if it's not perfect. I'll post on my profile when I do some touchup so follow me to see that! This wound up around 3000 words. Mostly just James freaking out because my dude is breaking a little and arguing with himself. It is 7 am and I haven't slept yet cause I got to invested in writing and wanted to get this chapter out. I'll be going over it for the third time after I get some sleep so if there are any big changes to it, I'll announce it on my profile, so follow me if you want to know when I post that I guess.

As always check out Trismegistus Shandy, Shandy is a writer on here that does amazing editing work for a bunch of amazing stories. Here are the links to their other places TGstorytime and Big Closet

James knew he needed to start talking again. The school days had started to feel longer and longer, as he understood less and less of what was going on. He hadn't ever thought that being unable to ask questions or talk to the teachers would set him behind so gosh darn much.  It's not like he was stupid; he'd thought he would be fine just listening to the teachers lecturing, but he wasn't. He needed engagement, he needed something to talk about in order to learn. He'd always taken Lachie being in his classes for granted, but without him asking questions, James wasn't able to teach and learn alongside him. Short phrases when necessary weren't going to help him understand Science. He had no clue how he was going to get through his persuasive speech presentation when he couldn’t talk or even write the damn thing. Without chatting, he was struggling to put pen to paper.

The choice to talk or not needed to be resolved quickly; English was the next period, which meant the already large list of things to think about when it came to Nick, needed to be carefully considered and panicked about. He'd been agonising over the decision of whether to talk to Nick since he’d talked to Katie. Now it seemed like if he didn't start talking to him soon, he might fail an assignment, simply because he couldn't think straight which sucked, because it would lead to questioning by his mum and teachers which could lead to the eventual reveal and that is not how he wanted people to find out; he'd rather, well, he didn't know how he'd rather have people find out.  The excuse of being sick was falling apart as well; it worked great to avoid the awkwardness of talking but he couldn't just claim to be sick as an excuse to why he failed. Not to mention there was a time limit on how long it would work. He couldn’t be sick forever unless he could find a reason to get his vocal cords removed (an idea he found pretty tempting).

On the other hand, he didn't want to talk, even if it meant falling behind and failing. The nightmares had made him acutely aware of everything he did and said around people. He was worried Nick would notice his awkwardness and pry for answers that James didn't want to provide. If he stayed quiet, those fears could be silenced; no talking meant lying, no lying meant no forgetting how to form a convincing sentence. He knew it was irrational justification, a way to avoid freaking out over talking, but it was getting to a point where he was stressing himself out more by not talking. He’d noticed Nick had lost steam over the last couple of days. There was only so much you could talk about to a barely responsive person. It was obvious he was trying, which only made James feel worse for not responding. He wished Nick would just leave him to hang out with the others a couple of times, just so he wouldn’t be dragged down by James’ downer vibe. If he wanted to feel better about that and keep Nick around, he needed to talk. He needed to listen to Katie's advice.  He just had to figure out what to do by next period.

Nick sat beside him in English and he still had no clue what he was going to say or do. Before all of this, they would talk to pass the time during class; sometimes it was on topic. Sometimes it wasn't. It made the class feel less boring and, as he had found out, it was necessary to him learning and getting his work done. He wanted to start a conversation. Like he used to, but he still couldn't figure out what to say to someone you’ve been giving the silent treatment to. He hadn’t even opened his mouth before Nick turned to him.

"Are we hanging out at Melody's tree again?" he asked. James didn’t know what Melody’s tree was. This was probably the best time to test the waters of talking, though. Worst case scenario, he could just clam up again and wait for Nick to finally get sick of him and fail all his classes and deal with any questions that come with that.

"Whose tree?" he asked cautiously.

"James! You said something! I thought you'd just nod!" He sounded so genuine and excited. He hadn’t heard that kind of excitement since Nick took him to the tree. Why did it make him so happy?

“Yay. I’m talking again,” he managed in his best attempt at a quiet monotone. His voice wasn't noticed; maybe Nick had forgotten what James used to sound like. It was hard hiding how relieved he was about Nick not noticing, and how delighted he was about having interactions beyond just looking at Nick while he adorably rambled about something. Now the problem was getting his brain to stop thinking of Nick as adorable.

"Melody's tree, it's the one we've been hanging out at. You know, with the plaque on it?"

Of course, Nick would have read the engraving. Knowing the tree was dedicated to someone weirded him out, and he wasn't sure why. Maybe it was that they'd been under her tree and he didn't even know it was hers. Maybe it was because he'd started seeing it as a place for him and Nick.

“Oh, yeah, I'll be there,” he said quietly. It was a struggle to stop himself from grinning. The name of the place didn't matter as long as he wasn't alone.

The class flew by. He felt more productive than he had in that entire week. With Nick helping him think about things, they both managed to get a couple of paragraphs written. It was nice to feel productive again. James tried to keep his voice down; just because no one had noticed yet didn't mean it was a good idea to be as loud as he used to be. Nick didn't seem to notice or bring it up, so he hoped it was fine. 

They walked with each other to their lockers and followed their usual routine silently, which James thought was weird since they were talking in class. It wasn't the worst silence, though; being around Nick, even when he wasn't talking was a nice experience. The silence continued when they got to the tree. Melody’s tree, despite its unsettling calmness, had become a legitimately safe place where he felt he could exist without anxiety and not just because he was incapable of worrying while there. It was a calm silence. He was sad he had to disrupt it. 

"Thanks, Nick." Thanking him seemed like the only appropriate thing. He'd been bottling up the sentiment since Nick had begun following him to the tree. He could have been hanging out with anyone. It wasn't like people around the school didn’t like him, and yet he hung out with James, who still couldn’t figure out why. "For hanging out with me."

"It's no problem, it's good to hear you talking again, mate." Why did Nick have to be so nonchalant about this? If it was Ben, he'd say something like 'You should be thankful I hung out with your mute ass.' Why was Nick acting like James hadn't done something wrong? Was it pity or something? "I've never heard you go so long without talking. Did you lose your voice?"

"I guess you could say that. Talking just hurt for a bit"

"So why haven't you been responding in group chats? I mean your voice hurting doesn't stop you from messaging us."

"I'm sorry. I've been sleeping a lot lately; I haven't felt like checking my phone." The truth was far easier to say than a well-practised lie.  

"It's okay, are you okay?" Nick said.

"I'm fine, I'm just glad to talk to someone."

Conversations quickly turned to games. Nick loved talking about the things he was playing, and James was just happy to talk and ask questions. Nick was an amazing storyteller, even if he was just talking about his experiences in a game. James thought that after a week he might have become bored of his stories and explanations, but he never did. It was disappointing that before they could finish their conversations, the bell rang. Just as he was able to properly get into a conversation it would be forced to end. It felt like the world was conspiring against him. 

Classes were dull. There was no one to talk to, no one to listen to aside from the teachers who tended to take on a ‘give them worksheets or reading to do’ approach. He'd always hated Maths for that reason.  Trying to get as many maths problems as possible done in an hour was hard, not to mention boring as all hell. Especially when he couldn't talk to or work with others. He kept silently begging for the class to end.

When lunch finally came around, he wondered how he had kept his mouth shut for a week. He was so ready to tell Nick about how boring those classes were. How did other people do it? Nick had different plans for conversations, though. As soon as James sat down he picked up from the end of their last conversation. Why did he have to be so endearing in his excitability? 

"Why don't you play with me tonight?" Nick asked. "There is no school tomorrow, so we can pull an all-nighter and I can teach you how to play."

James couldn't say no to his excited friend. The look on Nick's face was not one he could resist. After the last week of quiet, he didn't mind being dragged into a new game.

School ended and he caught the bus. It was unsurprising that his mum wasn't at home. He'd learned that getting home when she wasn't around, it was time to shower. He’d gotten pretty good at not looking at his body over the last couple of days. Ignoring the look of it was becoming second nature. What he couldn’t ignore was the feeling of his body. Cleaning it felt wrong. Touching his face felt wrong. Wearing a bra felt wrong. He prefered the roughness that his face used to have, and the scraggly sideburns that had taken him way too long to grow. Missing those things had turned to thoughts that were probably dangerous. He didn’t want to scratch his face with sandpaper, but he was also starting to think it wasn’t the worst idea.

Another thing he’d gotten pretty good at was speed showering, a sport where the participant has to clean themselves until they don’t smell like rotting garbage in the shortest time possible. A round ends when they are comfortably dry and wrapped in clothes that are way too big for them since they can’t stand looking at their body. Cutting down on the time between undressing and redressing was tough, but he’d managed to cut it down in a couple of major ways, the biggest of which was bringing his clothes to the bathroom with him; a trick which would have saved him from almost flashing his mum on Monday. There were only so many ways for him to realise he wasn’t the know-it-all he thought he was a week ago. 

He was glad when he got a notification from Nick to pull him out of the depressive spiral he was probably going to fall into again; those tended to happen after showering. 

Nick: Hey, are you still up for playing?

James: sure wanna call?

A week of not talking had left him eager to blab with his mates. If Nick wasn’t going to bring anything up, then he’d try and ignore how much he hated his new voice.

Nick: sure

The calling sound played, and he heard Nick's voice on the other end. Nick had told him about what happened in the game over the week. That didn’t mean that he had a clue about what to do, though. James wasn’t a MOBA fan; they tended to be a little too tedious when he could be playing something a bit more shooty.  He had only seen a little bit about it before he decided to isolate himself. He was glad Nick seemed happy to help him out even if it was embarrassing to accept. At least Nick didn't mock him for it. It took a couple of games to get a hold of how to play properly, but he felt like he was getting better. It helped that Nick was trying to learn a new character, so they were only playing against bots. James didn’t even notice when Mum got home. He hoped she’d leave him alone like she usually did.  

“You’re picking this up quickly, dude!”  Nick said. His excitability was contagious when it wasn’t getting overshadowed by flaming and frustration. “Wanna try some casual games with some of my online friends?”

After only talking to Nick and Katie at all in the past week, the idea of talking with random people who he would likely never meet sounded good. 

"Not with Ben and Lachie, right?" James clarified.

"Nah, they are playing something else in another chat."

"Sure, why not?"

With Nick giving instructions, he felt more confident playing. Nick was so patient and helped him understand the basics. He encouraged the good but didn't flame him for the bad plays he made. It was a completely different experience than playing with Ben, who would flame at the slightest provocation. Nick's online friends seemed cool as well, though they hadn't been playing together very long. It was also nice to see a more casual part of a game like this. They weren’t trying to win as much as they were just trying to have fun. It was nice. 

"I'm guessing your girlfriend is new, Nick? She's not bad for a newbie," one of them said. James was tempted to shut down his computer and never log on again. Instead, he muted himself. They might have been in the middle of a game, but he didn’t want these people to hear what he knew was about to happen. The terrifying familiarity of his chest feeling tight and his breath quickening was enough to tip him off. Being called a girl by someone he didn't know was enough to make him feel like he couldn't breathe. Would all strangers eventually see him as a girl? Did he really sound as feminine as he thought? Why did the guy have to specify girlfriend as well? He'd spent the last day trying to ignore the nightmares, and now he was mistaken for Nick’s girlfriend. There was no universe in which this wouldn't set him off. He needed to get away from the computer. He needed to get some air. None of this would be happening if he was still a guy. Why was he so emotional now? Was it girl hormones or something?

"His name is James, and he is a dude. We aren't dating." Hearing Nick say that brought him back to reality. Nick didn't know anything. Nick wouldn't find out about anything. These people were strangers who knew nothing about James' past and thought he was a girl. That had to happen to other guys at some point, right? It had happened before his voice dropped. It would be fine if they would just take Nick's word for it. Trying to calm himself down didn't seem to be helping much.

"Oh sorry, James, I thought it was like Jane or something, Nick's mic is muffled." His friend's apology acknowledged that he was a guy. It wasn't a debatable thing. It would be fine. No one would call him a girl again.

"It's okay," he mumbled breathily. He didn't want anyone to hear how much he had been panicking.

James tried to focus on the game. He needed to focus on the game. He muted himself so he could concentrate on the game. Everything else would become a blur if he could just focus on the game, instead of the massive amount of fear that he was trying to keep under control. Concentrating was all he had to do until he won. Which his team did, despite James refusing to talk or unmute himself to ask questions. Everyone acted as if nothing had happened. As if this was just a normal game. But James didn't feel like it was. His heart was beating out of his chest. He needed to lay down. He needed a break from constantly worrying.

"Hey, kiddo, dinner's ready!"

Another worry to add to the pile. Would he be able to avoid his mum noticing things?  He quickly said bye to Nick, despite Nick trying to ask something, and logged off for the night. The baggy clothes he wore were at least comfortable and good at their job of hiding his messed up body. Being at the table with Mum wasn't where he wanted to be; in bed hiding from the world and the terrifying reality that he had found himself in seemed like a far better option but he was hungry. Famished even. He remembered eating when he got home, yet he felt like he hadn't eaten all day. It felt like the weekend all over again. The plates on the table seemed irresistible even if it did mean having to sit down and listen to his mum talk about something he didn't care about. 

“I see you’ve kept up the shaving routine.”

His stomach protested him putting down his food but he knew he would throw up if he ate any more. It was all catching up to him again. She'd noticed and pointed out his lack of facial hair again. He quickly excused himself so he could run to his room before everything fully set in. This feeling was just the beginning; soon he'd be hyperventilating. He couldn't do that in front of his mum.

The day had started so well. He’d been able to talk to Nick. He’d had fun and felt normal again, but two comments took that all away. Now he was panicking again. There was no way he could keep this up forever. People would find out. He'd never be a guy again, and his body would never be his again. He expected the rapid breathing and chest pain, but they never came. It was if he was suddenly calm like his fate was sealed and there was nothing he could do about it. He took off the extra layers he was wearing and crawled into bed where he could be alone. The temporary calm disappeared as tears ran down his face and he began sobbing. Gasping for breaths between sobs as he tried to stay quiet.

DetectiveRed

Any feedback on this is incredibly appreciated I feel like I really need to change something but I can't figure it out. This is my first story and I'm starting to wonder if writing something this big was a good idea for a first project.