DetectiveRed

Back into the fire. I might try getting back to my once every 4 day schedule. The weekly releases seem to be bad for engagment and replying to comments is the best thing. Also, my other stories have both updated. Thanks to Shandy for editing this chapter. Shandy's can be found here and here are the links to their other places TGstorytime and Big Closet.

The morning started awfully. He woke up, his mum called him sweetie and made him breakfast and then drove him to school. It was starting to become obvious that she'd never wanted a son. She didn't waste time trying to convince him to start dressing like a girl. Pretending to be a girl was his future. He'd accepted that.

"You need a new name, James," she said. He knew he would need one for next week, but he didn't want to give his mother the satisfaction of giving in. It was only delaying the issue. He knew that. There just wasn't anything he could do.

"I know I do, Mum."

"How about Jane? I need something to call you," she asked. His mind went back to the first time he was called that. That first phone call to the doctor. It didn't feel like his name.

"Please, not Jane."

"Okay, then I'm calling you Jamie." That sounded a little better. It was close. Even kind of gender-neutral. It was probably the best he was going to get out of her. That did leave one question, though: Why did all her suggestions start with J?

"If you have to," he said, trying to make it obvious that he wouldn't be happy about it.

"We can try more names later, Jamie; until then we'll try that." He didn't want to think about other names, there were so many worse options. At least this way he could still use it as a guy. Still, it felt terrible knowing he'd have to give up the name he'd had since birth.

"Okay."

At least when he got to school he would have English with Nick. He had given up on trying to be quiet. Nick wouldn't judge his voice; he'd made that clear on Sunday. James still wasn't sure about why he had hugged him. Maybe Nick was just a huggy guy? Ben would be in their homeroom, so that would be the first threat. He'd have to be careful when talking to Ben; if he brought up James' voice it would be hard to avoid confrontation.

"Have a good day at school, sweetie!" she said as he got out of the car. Tomorrow he'd be taking the bus. It was better to avoid her treating him like that as much as possible.

Arriving by car meant he was earlier than usual. He walked to his homeroom. It had been cold the last couple of days; it would be nice to be inside the classroom and warm. He was surprised to see Katie standing outside the door to the room as well. She was always there when he arrived by bus. He didn't know why it was surprising. One of her mums had probably dropped her off on their way to work. There was no sign of Ben around, and if things went sour with Ben and Lachie, it would be nice to at least be able to talk to her. Maybe this was an opportunity to talk with her. Since their last phone call, he hadn't had the chance to talk. He wasn't too far from her. He just had to walk up to her and say hi, which was easier said than done. Somehow she looked even more feminine than she had on that weekend; she was beautiful and soft and her eyes were so beautiful. Even her hair looked longer. He was still into girls. He had to look away to stop himself from blushing.

"Hey, Katie," he managed to say. Finally, he felt like he'd bridged a divide. She looked stunned but he almost didn't care. He'd managed to talk to her. Even if he couldn't look her in the eye.

"Uh hi, James? Are you okay?" She sounded concerned. Maybe she didn't want to talk to him. That would be understandable. Maybe she still thought he wanted to hurt her. She was smiling, though? Maybe she was just confused.

"I'm fine. How are you?" he asked. He hoped that maybe they could talk, at least for a bit before Ben arrived. Ben usually didn't have much worthwhile to say. They'd become friends over their mutual interest in games, and as they'd played, they'd started ranting about politics and agreeing with each other. It was a circlejerk, plain and simple. He wasn't sure how much he agreed with anymore, and he was able to play without him just fine.

"I'm fine," she said. "I thought we weren't talking to each other at school, though?" He'd been too scared to talk to her but that didn't mean he hadn't wanted to.

"Ben isn't here, yet." There wasn't much else he had to say about that.

"Oh. You do realise he'll be here any minute?" she asked. James knew he'd be there. He'd have to try to explain it later. It wasn't the end of the world though.

"Yeah, but I haven't been able to talk to you face-to-face since last weekend." To emphasise, he tried to wave his hand between them. "You're looking good," he tried to say.

"Uh, thank you." He was still trying to avoid looking at her face but he could see her shuffling awkwardly. He was making her uncomfortable. He had to ease off. Thanking her last night wouldn't fix everything; he thought he knew that. Talking to her like this was a mistake.

"I'm sorry," he said.

Before she could respond he backed off. The telltale sign of Ben's arrival wafted through the air. The smell of deodorant was overpowering. He wasn't sure how he ever tolerated the layers of it that Ben wore.

"Hey James, you're here early?" James didn't want to respond, not after the jokes about his voice. He wasn't sure he could open his mouth without suffocating, either.

"Yeah, Mum insisted on dropping me off," he mumbled, hoping that Ben wouldn't start anything. Katie's justified discomfort reminded him of why he and Ben had ever been close. Mutual assholery made great friendships.

"Oh cool, you said something. Good job. Are you gonna come to the library today? Or are you and Nick too busy fucking each other?"

"What?" Where had that come from? He stood wide-eyed and off guard. 

"I'm not stupid James, you pretty much only talk to him." Ben seemed pissed. It wasn't like Ben had reached out to him. The only time they had talked, they'd ended up getting pissed at each other. "It's boring without you."

"I'm not dating Nick!" he said. Maybe he was being too defensive, but after Nick's friends had mistaken him for his girl, he couldn't help but be freaked out.

"Dude, I was kidding. I didn't legitimately think you were one of them." He wasn't sure what he was meant to say in this situation. How was one meant to respond to being called gay? "Though your voice is starting to sound pretty gay." Gay was better than sounding like a girl, though not by much. "You do know that people are gonna start thinking you are one if you keep hanging out with Nick, though? Right?"

"What? Why?" He already knew the answer, but he wanted to hear him say it. Nick, unlike them, seemed to care about other people. It was the reason they had become so close. Caring wasn't the manliest thing to do.

"Are you kidding? He defends the trap, talks to that group, and gets pissy when we talk about that stuff? Dude's obviously gay." James had spent the last week trying to avoid listening to Ben's talk about Katie. 'The trap' was what he liked to call her, some anime term James had never understood. If Ben had called her that a week ago, he would laugh at him for being attracted to her. A week ago she had only been Kieran to him. Yet now she was only Katie. He knew he had no right to be pissed at Ben; he had said worse a week ago, but he still wanted to punch Ben, and himself.

"Can you lay off them, Ben?" he tried to ask. He wanted to beg him to shut up, but that would only make the situation worse. He didn't want to bring attention to Katie and he didn't want to deck Ben in the middle of the hallway.

"Why?" he asked with a smug smile. James knew that kind of smile. Ben was asking him to justify his request. A fun tactic James used to love using; pissing someone off, then mocking them for caring. He wasn't sure how to justify it without acting as if he cared. Caring made you weak. He knew that well.

"Because I don't want you to talk shit about my friend?" he said. Trying to speak in a calm monotone was crucial. If he couldn't find something to mock he would give up. It felt like he was arguing with himself. 

"I don't think him being gay is necessarily bad. Just that you shouldn't hang around him so much or you'll seem gay too?" It was hard to keep his cool but it had worked. Ben didn't hammer down, instead, he tried a new angle. Unfortunately keeping it together was hard. He was already shaken about his voice and he knew Ben could keep pushing. It's easy to push buttons when you don't think others can respond in kind.

"Nick's not gay," he said trying to maintain a calm monotone. Hearing it though he sounded quiet and timid. It was frustrating; he couldn't defend his friends like this. Nick didn't deserve this shit. Katie didn't deserve that shit.

"You sound like a chick defending her boyfriend," he laughed. He had to retake control. Control was vital when dealing with people like himself. He had turned Ben's teasing back on him before. James could do it again.

"How would you know what that sounds like, Ben? You can't get a girl to go anywhere near you." He hated that Ben was right. He'd noticed he cried most when he was frustrated or panicking; he had to hold them back now. At least he had experience with responding in kind.

"Thank god, you're still in there. I thought you got replaced by a pussy."

It was a relief when Mrs Connors arrived to let them in. The classroom was warm and safe. The bell would go soon; Mrs Connors would do the roll, which would give him about five minutes to calm down. He tried taking some deep breaths to stifle his anxiety before it turned to full-blown panic. He had five minutes to decide whether to ignore Ben or to play along with him for the rest of the week.

Playing along would at least allow him to feel like his old self. the James that had terrible facial hair and would banter with his mates, but that was the James he wasn't sure he wanted to be anymore. He liked hanging out with Nick and talking under the tree; he liked talking to Katie. Maybe he could find a middle ground. Hanging out with Ben and Lachie couldn't be too bad. He had been doing it for months now and enjoyed it. What was stopping him now? Fear?

The teacher finished calling the roll. If he was lucky, she would stay in the class. She had a bad habit of leaving them unattended, which used to allow him and Ben to get away with ragging on Katie. Last week he had gotten really lucky and Ben didn't get the chance to try anything directed at her.

"So what is your problem? Why did you ditch us?" Ben asked.

"I don't know, I wanted to go outside?" James lied. "You could have hung out with us."

"Unlike Nick, I'm not gonna follow you around like a lost puppy."

"Then why are you pissed I'm not hanging out with you?" He hadn't made much of an effort to hang out; the only reason James even got invited to play on the weekend was that they didn't have enough players.

"Because you're acting like a pussy. You barely talk. You ran out of the library on Monday and the only time we played together you whined at me," he explained. James wasn't sure whether Ben sounded angry or upset.

"I'm sorry," he said in between breaths. His ability to think was gradually leaving. Everything he said was true and it was terrifying. He was aware of how fast he was breathing again. Trying to prepare didn't work

"That's the problem, dude. What the fuck happened to you? Why do you sound like a girl?" He thought he had gotten the brunt of his 'are you a chick' talk earlier. Apparently not. Each breath pushed his chest against its restraints. It hurt, it reminded him that he was what Ben said he was. A girl. Maybe he should just suck it up and tell everyone.

"Mrs Connors I need to go to the bathroom," James said, before running out of the class.

He wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Instead, he walked to Melody's tree. The only place he had felt safe in the last week. He heard the bell ring for class, but he didn't get up. There was no way he could get to English, not when he was barely able to breathe. Whatever had been forcing him to be calm while there didn't seem to be affecting him now. Even though he needed that calmness more than ever. The ground was cold and damp, as it always was in winter. It was far from the worst of his problems, though. He couldn't get enough air. He tried the breathing thing Nick and Katie had told him to do. Deep breaths in and out.

That didn't stop the crying. He was so fucking scared and frustrated and the tears didn't help. Maybe Ben was right; he sounded like a girl, he was becoming more like one, maybe he was losing himself. This body had taken his sense of self away from him and soon he would be a girl. He would be Jamie, a girl who didn't even exist yet. Maybe it would be better if he did just disappear. It wasn't like he'd done much good. His biggest accomplishments were scarring Katie, driving away from his other friends, and disappointing his mother.

"Are you okay, James?"

James looked up. Of course, Nick had found him. A wave of relief washed over him before he could stop it. He didn't want Nick to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this.

"What do you think, Nick?" he yelled or tried to. It came out more like a yelp. God, he felt pathetic. He hoped it would get him to go away anyway.

It didn't work. Nick sat down next to him.

"Katie told me you left homeroom early. Told me to look out for you. When you didn't show, I came here." James still couldn't stop crying. Even in front of someone else, they just wouldn't stop flowing. "So what happened?"

"Can you leave me alone?" He didn't know how Nick was meant to see him as a guy after all this crap. If seeing James' boobs didn't make Nick think of him as a girl, the crying and whining would.

"No, you need help," he said. He was so frustratingly nice and James knew he didn't deserve it. Why couldn't Nick see what he saw? Why couldn't this decent person go hang out with Katie or Adam? "I'll sit here as long as I need to."

"And what will that change? Next week, Jamie is going to show up to school in a skirt and any trace of who I was will be gone. Mum will make sure of that," he sobbed.

"Can I hug you?"

"What?" What was that meant to do?

"Can I hug you? You look like you need it."

"Sure, whatever, treat me like a girl, I need to get used to it." Nick had stopped thinking about him as a guy. What was the point in pretending anymore?

Nick scooted closer and James felt Nick's arms wrap around him. It was so warm; Nick was so close and he hated how comforting it was. He didn't want to look at Nick when he was sitting like this. If Ben saw them right now, his boyfriend accusations wouldn't look inaccurate. His crying was starting to subside.

"I don't want to be a girl, I just wanna hang out with the others again," he mumbled into Nick's arms.

"You're a guy, James; your body has changed, but you haven't. We can hang out with them at recess if you really want to."

"Would me from a week ago be crying, Nick? Did me from a week ago have tits? No. I've changed, Nick."

"That isn't what I meant."

"Maybe I should just give up, and be a girl," James continued. Maybe it would be better to just stop resisting everything and be his mum's daughter. If he just accepted it, it would be easier. Trying to be a girl couldn't be that hard, could it? He would learn how to be a girl at home and pretend to be a guy at school. James wouldn't be him anymore. James would just be a character. The idea of not being James anymore was enough to bring on another wave of sobbing.

"Dude, it's going to be okay," Nick said. Why was his voice so soothing? James could feel Nick patting him on the back.

If he was going to be a girl, his mum would expect him to be her perfect daughter. Jamie would wear dresses, act cute, be her little princess. The very thought of it was revolting, but it was how she was going to be. She would ignore her attraction to women, her mum wouldn't like it if she was a lesbian. She'd date guys, marry one, give her mum a grandchild and live happily ever after. Part of him wished he would die right there. Let his consciousness fade and let whatever had changed him take what was left of his identity. Why did those expectations hurt so much?

Nick brought him in closer. His sobs had returned to full-blown crying again and Nick had noticed. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve Nick as a friend.

"It's going to be okay," Nick repeated.

"It's not though, Nick."

Nick loosened his embrace. James didn't understand why it was so disappointing. 

"James look at me." Looking up felt wrong. It felt like looking up would mean showing Nick how pathetically feminine he looked. Yet he complied regardless.

"It's going to be okay," Nick said. It was hard to keep feeling horrible when looking into eyes so kind. Nick was too good James wanted to be hugged by him again. He was just so warm and maybe crying into his shoulders for a while wouldn't be so bad. Nick was so reassuring and comfortable to be around, and he hated that he was believing what he said. He was starting to believe it would be okay. If he had to have a boyfriend, he didn't hate the idea of it being Nick.