DetectiveRed

One more chapter and part 1 is done. Thanks as always to Trismegistus Shandy for editing. Next chapter will be up in other 2 days

The sky was beautiful at night, even in a dream. It wasn’t something she’d really paid attention to before, mostly because she didn’t go outside at night. There were lights behind her; she could see them illuminating the grass beneath her feet. 

“So how did things go with your mum?” Melody said. There was a familiarity in her voice like she was talking to a friend, and not someone she had only met a couple of hours ago. 

A cold chill blew through Jamie as she turned to Melody, sitting under her tree. Her figure was still blurred like she still didn’t know how to show herself. It didn’t bother Jamie much; she was already talking to a literal ghost in a cold schoolyard.

“About as well as you’d expect.”

“I’m sorry, James. I didn’t think you’d be stuck like this.” Jamie wanted to be angry, she wanted to fight the blurred form, but there was a part of Jamie that felt bad for her. How long had she been there? How long had she sat under that tree?

“I want to hate you.” In her dreams she was still James, she still had the deep voice that she missed so much, she still had her bits of stubble and a flat chest. Yet she kept trying to refer to herself as a girl; there was no point in trying to indulge in being a guy. It would only hurt more. She wanted to hate Melody for taking her body away, for destroying her closeness with her mum, for putting her in this horrifying situation.

“I can understand that.”

“But I can’t.” 

“Why not?”

“Because I deserved this.” After what happened with Ben on Monday, she’d given up on asking ‘Why did this happen to me?’. The answer was always ‘because she deserved it’. She’d hurt people, she’d made the same shit choices, and she deserved to follow them to their end. She was just like Ben, and if this hadn’t happened, she would have continued acting like Ben. 

She sat on the cold ground next to Melody. It was cold. Why was it cold? The trees’ calming aura did nothing to make the tears subside or warm her up.

“James, I’m sorry. As I said, that was my first time trying something like this. I thought I’d be able to turn you back after you’d learned your lesson. I hurt you more than I meant to. You don’t deserve this.”

“You were right, though. I could have killed Katie. I could have hurt Nick! Things might be fine now. He might have forgiven me for being an asshat. But I still hurt him. Why the hell is he okay with dating someone like me?” The butterflies, the excitement from expressing his feelings, the euphoria from being Nick’s boyfriend. It was a joke, something he didn’t deserve, something he could never deserve. 

“James, you’re spiralling.” 

“Don’t call me that. He’s gone. He deserves to be gone and so do I.” Even her mum knew that was true. Maybe it would have been better if Melody had just killed her. That way she could never disappoint her mum, or hurt Katie and Nick. 

“I really fucked you up didn’t I?” No, she thought. She’d fucked herself up.

“Before you told me, I was sure I’d just pissed God off or something, but it doesn’t matter the reason I changed. I deserved it. I deserve worse.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” she cried. 

“I didn’t want this to happen. You did some bad things, but there’s a reason Katie and Nick still talk to you. You’ve grown; it’s not been long, but you have become better.”

“You were so disgusted with me you decided to possess me!” 

“And that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe I could have haunted your dreams or something.”

“Do you think some bad dreams would have stopped me? I’ve had so many nightmares the last week and they made me worse!” 

“I can’t say. Hell, I didn’t know I could do this until recently.”

“So what else were you gonna do? What else could you have done?” She was surprising herself with how much she hated herself. She’d known this, she’d known it all, but it wasn’t until now she was telling someone. 

“I don’t know. I’m sorry,” she sniffled.

Now she’d made someone else cry, fantastic. More proof she’d gotten what she deserved. Better than what she’d deserved.

“No, I am. You just wanted to teach an asshole a deserved lesson and now he’s making you feel bad about it. I’m sorry, I need to ask you to do something.” 

“What, James?”

“Can you make me a girl, like actually this time? I don’t want to be me anymore.”

“James, I’m not doing that. I couldn’t do that. That's horrible.”

“So am I.”

“James, I’m not going to kill part of your identity!”

“Then why don’t you just take my body or something. You died fifteen years ago because of people like me. You already are in my body. Why don’t you take it?”

“I’m not going to kill you!”

“Why not?” 

“Could you imagine what Katie and Nick would say? They care about you.”

“And they shouldn’t. I don’t know why Nick agreed to date me. I don’t know why they’ve both forgiven me. I’m fucking awful!”

“Wait, you want to ask him out and then just die on him?”

“He’d be better off.”

“I’m sending you back to your body, James, I’ll try and make sure you have sweet dreams.”

“I’m not done talking, Melody!”

“And I’m not going to traumatise you any further. I’m sorry.”

Jamie’s eyes shot open.

“Jamie, get up. You are not getting out of this,” his mum called from the living room. “This is the last time I’m calling out before I’m going to shake you awake.”

She looked around, confused by her surroundings. Her blankets had fallen off the bed, but surprisingly she could still feel her feet. Last night was blurry; everything that had happened after the conversation with Mum seemed fuzzy and distant. There was a conversation with Katie, and Melody had appeared in her dreams, but she couldn’t remember what they’d talked about. Maybe it was best to focus on the problem at hand: going to school as a girl. 

“I’m up!” 

“Get dressed, I have to do your hair!”

“I can do my hair”

“No, you can’t, you wouldn’t have a clue of what you are doing.”

“Wow, brushing my hair is so hard! Whatever would I do without you, Mum”

“Jamie, stop acting like a child and come out here.”

Trying to get her bra on was a pain. She’d been practising since she got the damn thing, but it never got any easier or any more comfortable. Then came the dress. Again, it was something she’d worn before. Only this time, she was showing her entire class and explaining her new body. The idea of crawling under the blankets again was tempting. 

“Are you ready? I even made breakfast.”

“I’m coming.”

Getting her hair done was uneventful, the ride to school was as well. A week ago, maybe, this would have felt worse. Maybe she would have been screaming more or telling her mum to back off. She’d accused her mum of treating her like a doll the night before; it had made her so angry then, but now it didn’t matter. There were bigger fish to fry. There was no reason to be mad when she had done worse. 

“Just call me after if you want to be picked up! I’m not gonna force you to stay all day!” It was weird to see her mum trying to be supportive after the last week of pressuring her to give up her old identity.

She walked through the main building to the office of Miss Campbell. The plan from yesterday was to meet her there and walk to class together so she could prepare. Everything was oddly calm for first thing in the morning; only ten minutes until class started and everyone was quietly walking around, minding their own business. Part of her was envious; none of them were throwing away their identity today. Part of her just wanted to get it over with. If she was lucky, no one would care; Ben and Lachie would be fine about it, Nick would still like her, and maybe she could talk to Katie. That was what was going to get her through. It had to get her through.  Hesitantly, she knocked on Miss Campbell’s door. 

 "James, is that you?" Miss Campbell asked. The door opened, leaving her once again aware of what she was wearing, how different she looked.

"In the flesh, Miss," she responded. Her voice made her sound much less monotone than she had intended.

“I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this. You look so different."

"Thanks." Jamie was starting to regret not moving schools.

"You look so feminine. How did your hair grow like that?" Hopefully, there wouldn’t be too many questions. She wasn’t sure how many she could tolerate.

"It grew out last night.” It was best to answer plainly. Like hearing all of this wasn’t tearing her apart inside

"Jeez, you’re so lucky. It looks beautiful." It seemed her mum was right, as long as she looked the part people would quickly forget about who she used to be. It probably helped that she had been briefed.

"Can we get moving? I don’t want to put this off any longer." The truth was she didn’t know how long she could stay composed. How was one meant to stay composed while telling others that they used to be a guy? How was she meant to stop her legs from shaking or fear from setting in?

"Right right, sorry, Jamie." It had to be fine. It needed to be fine.

There was a lot to think about on the way. On the one hand, James never talked to anyone aside from Ben and Lachie. That was a small mercy. The rest of the class probably only thought of James as ‘that one loud douche that harasses the trans kid’. Most of them would probably laugh, or think she had it coming; that was fine, it was true. It likely meant that she would be ignored after the initial novelty of her existence wore off. After all, there wasn’t anything to tie her to him aside from where she sat in class and who she talked to. The biggest problem would be dealing with Ben after last night. 

Standing outside, she looked into the classroom. She could see Katie, that was good. She didn’t seem to be dealing with Ben, which was even better. It was funny seeing how much of a coward Ben was without Jamie. Ben himself was just sitting on his own. He seemed to be waiting for something, likely her humiliation. 

“Before class starts, Jamie, come in,” Miss Campbell said. 

Jamie obliged. The stares from her classmates felt like they were ripping her apart, trying to decipher what they were looking at. She felt more exposed standing in front of her class in a dress than she did when she’d fallen over topless in front of Nick.

“You would know Jamie as James. From now on she will be attending as Jamie. Treat her like you would any other girl or there will be consequences.” Jamie wasn’t convinced by her threat of consequences. The most Ben and she had ever received was a slap on the wrist. “She is dealing with a lot of stress. Please make her welcome.”

She heard a wolf whistle from the back of the class. Of course Ben would be back on his shit as soon as he could. 

“Hey beautiful!” he mocked. She decided to ignore his bullshit. Not even the snickers from around the class would freak her out. She’d already come this far.

“Two weeks ago, my body got changed. Now I’m like this; we don’t know if I’ll ever go back to being a guy. My mother and I decided I need to embrace these changes. If you have questions, please ask Miss Campbell and she can confirm what happened to me.” It was done. She tried to remove all emotion from her words. Emotions were a weakness here. If it sounded like she was lying, things would only be worse. Already she could hear the questions, asking about her genitals and body, if she liked guys now, why she’d decided to live as a girl. 

With the coming out done, she sat in her usual spot next to Ben. Following a routine and ignoring everything was the best course of action. Don’t give them a reason to doubt what happened when the proof is in front of their collective eyes. 

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it,” Ben laughed. He hadn’t been very subtle about how funny he found her situation to be. 

“Not like I had a choice,” she replied. 

“Still, you don’t look half bad for someone in drag.”

“I wish this was drag.”

“Fair point, I mean I doubt a drag queen could make boobs that look like yours.” Great, his misogynistic bullshit was back and now she couldn’t even make fun of him for it without him making another stupid joke. Was ignoring it even an option? “Fuck.”

Just like that, a ball of paper flew at his head. Melody’s way of protecting her, she thought. She wasn’t sure how she was gonna make it through the rest of the day with Ben around, though. A paper ball thrown at his head wasn’t much of a deterrent. 

“Do you seriously have nothing to say, Jamie? Was your edge stored in your dick?” he said. He failed when it came to being clever. She hadn’t been much better.

“You’ll lose your dick if you’re not careful,” she replied. Not original in the slightest, but it would have to do. If Ben was going to be lazy, she would be too.

“Damn, are you contagious? Does Nick also have tits now?”

“Ben, I am begging you to shut up.” She was trying to keep her voice emotionless, but Ben was annoyingly good at pissing people off. Was she like this before? Was this how Katie felt?