Jamie had been warned this would happen. She was just glad she’d kind of gotten on Adam’s good side because the only person she wanted to talk about it with was a guy. She couldn’t handle her mother rambling about how she was a real woman now just because she bled through her underwear. 

Maybe she was lucky; she’d figured a month in something like this would happen, she’d been warned it would happen, so she did some research on menstruation. Research that made her incredibly worried for the future and how she was going to cope with the reminder that she was a girl. It was surprising when it sneaked up on her. No cramps, no extreme pain, just some mild irritability, but that is par for the course when one is in her position. The biggest issue was dysphoria, the second was the blood and hiding the evidence until she could get to school and ask Adam what the fuck she was meant to do. 

“What’s wrong, Jamie?” 

“Nothing.” The first time she’d heard that in a while, and of course it was when she didn’t want to answer.

“You can’t hide anything from me, sweetie.”

“You didn’t notice I was a girl for a week, Mum.” She tried to imbue as much venom into those words as she could. There was no way she was taking any of her mum’s lies anymore. It was tiring, and she was already exhausted.

“And whose fault is that?”

“Mine.”

“That’s right. Now, what’s the problem?”

“Nothing, I’m just tired.” A half-truth was better than a lie. She’d been getting better at lying, but not enough to fool her mum, yet.

“It’s only been two weeks, it’ll get easier with time.”

“Thanks, Mum.” She just had to make it through this conversation and talk to Adam.

Thank god for the Internet. Once she got away from the table, it was time to get things cleaned up and get ready for the discomfort to come. Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to get something to stay in place and catch the blood; it was uncomfortable, but it would do until she got to school. 

Next thing was clothes; she was lucky that she didn’t have to do the whole dress song and dance anymore. Two weeks was enough for everyone to get the memo, Jamie was a girl, and she could wear what she wanted. Today that would be a hoodie and some jeans, women’s jeans. She hoped it would be fine. 

“I’m ready.” 

“You’re early.”

“I need to talk to someone.”

“What about, sweetie?”

“I just need to talk to a guy.” It felt like a betrayal to herself to utilise her mum’s stupid expectations, but she needed to listen.

“I’ll get you to your boyfriend then, just give me a second.”

The car ride to school was uncomfortable for two reasons. One, her mum had caught on to the fact Jamie had feelings for Nick, and she kept pestering her to talk about it. Two, she might have been wrong about avoiding cramps.

The pain made her hopeful when it first appeared. It was gradual at first, like when the pain first started the night her body changed. Maybe a period was all it took for her body to return to normal. The pain started to ramp up as the car ride went on, her insides stung and felt like they were being shredded. Her chest felt sensitive and she just wished it would be over. The last time she’d had pain like this she woke up with tits, so maybe this time she’d get to school and they’d be gone. She just had to bear with it and not let her mum notice the amount of pain she was in. A distraction, that was what she needed. She pulled out her phone; she had to get a message to Adam. 

Jamie: Adam, sorry to bother you, but I’m pretty sure you’re the only one I’m comfortable talking to about this.

Adam: Dude, we barely talk. What could make you want to talk to me over, I don’t know, your boyfriend.

Jamie: Well, you are trans, and I’m either having my first period or getting my dick back. Either way, you are a guy who knows about this stuff and I don’t feel comfortable asking a girl about this.

Adam: Shit. Okay, I’ll meet you out the front of the school. It’ll be like five minutes till I get there.

Jamie: Thanks. 

Five minutes, that should be fine. She was only about a minute off anyway. Four minutes alone wasn’t a big deal. Even if she was in pain. 

“See ya, Mum.”

“I’ll pick you up after school.”

Four minutes of waiting. Adam had been civil with her for the last two weeks. He didn’t trust her, he’d made that clear, but he was civil and even helpful sometimes. It was obvious why Katie liked him. Dependable guys were good. She’d love to be one for Nick someday. 

It had gotten warmer over the last few weeks; spring was starting to rear its ugly head. The hoodie and jeans ensemble wouldn't work much longer and her mum had already begun pestering her about shopping for warm-weather clothes. On the bright side, it made the wait for Adam more bearable.

"Jay, hey! I'm here," Adam called.

"Thank god. You are a life-saver."

"It's not that big a deal. I got you some pads."

"Nothing's going inside me, right?" That was one boundary she refused to cross, even if she was pretending to be a girl.

"What, no? Did sex ed fail you that bad?" 

She breathed a sigh of relief.

"It's not that scary, okay? Just some blood, dude." It was comforting that Adam still saw her as a guy. Confusing, but comforting. "Just go into the toilets, search up how to use it and then go about your day."

"All that avoiding the toilets for nothing."

"I can wait outside if you like. Can't go in anymore, though," he chuckled.

"That would be great."

After a search, a bit of panic and a couple of breaths, she left the toilet. She hadn't expected Adam to be so -- nice? accommodating? brotherly?

"Thank you."

"James -- I mean Jay, it's fine. Katie would kill me if I ignored you."

That was why? Kind of depressing, but she understood. She hadn't done anything to earn any favours. 

"Seriously, though, you needed help. Was I meant to ignore you?"

"I wouldn't blame you if you did."

"I'm hurt you think so little of me!" he said. The faux offended voice he put on was obvious, but what she needed right now. A laugh was a nice change of pace.

"Can you blame me? Your death glares are terrifying, man."

"I only knew you through Katie’s venting back then! Can you blame me?"

"No, but I'll be honest, I didn't expect you to be helping me out anytime soon."

"Jay, you of all people should know to expect the unexpected. Speaking of helping. Hot water bottles are your friend when you get home."

"What?" 

"For cramps, or growing a dick I guess." She'd almost forgotten all about that.

"Don’t mock me unless you know the pain of having all of your organs being rearranged."

“That’s fair.”

There was something else she needed to ask. Something she’d been afraid to for a while.

“Can I ask you a question about trans stuff, Adam?”

“As long as you don’t call me a slur go for it.” He was really good at making her feel bad for being a wanker.

“How do you deal with the dysphoria?”

“I knew it! You don’t want to be a girl.” She’d made it pretty clear this wasn’t something she wanted. 

“No shit, sherlock!”

“So why do you keep pretending to be one? Like I know your mums a piece of shit but around us, back at the table, you don’t need to pretend. You can be James again.”

“Just because I don’t want to be a girl doesn’t mean I want to be James.”

“What do you mean?” 

Wasn’t it obvious? Being a girl sucked. Having boobs sucked. The dysphoria sucked. A lot of it sucked, but it wasn’t all bad. The last two weeks had been nice, being open and close with Katie and Nick was nice, hell even Adam was being so freaking nice for no real reason. People just seemed nicer to her as Jamie. The world seemed nicer as Jamie.

“Would we be having this conversation if I was still James?”

“Okay, first of all, you are still that person. Even if you aren't using that name. Nick and Katie have told you that, right?”

“Of course they have, and I know I am still that person, but I can’t understand why I did the things I did. Even though I’m dealing with all this crap because of this body that I hate. I feel more like me?”

“That doesn’t mean you have to be a girl.”

“I mean this is only happening because I was turned into a girl right?”

“I mean yeah but that doesn’t mean if you were suddenly a guy again, you’d go back to being a piece of shit.”  It still wasn't sinking in. Jamie looked at the guy in front of her confused.

"I mean sure, but I can't go back to being a guy anyway. I already did all this social stuff and came clean and my mum would never let me transition so it's not a viable option."

"Even if that's the case, James." He emphasised the name and she recoiled. She didn't want to be him anymore. "Around us, you can still be a guy. You don't have to use your old name. Hell, we can just keep calling you Jay. We'll use he/him pronouns and Nick can call you his boyfriend." That sounded nice. It was so tempting. 

"I'm sorry, Adam, but I'm not like you. You're a lot stronger than I am, dude." Her face was starting to scrunch up. 

"Bullshit. Do you know how many people would have completely broken over what happened to you?"

"I am broken, man."

"Let me rephrase. Do you know how many people would have survived what you went through? I'd wager not many."

"If I'm so strong, I'll just deal with it." Her eyes were starting to sting. She hated how easily this body cried.

"You can't do that forever, Jay."

"Well, I have to." There was no way out of it. She'd given up on trying to find a way out of it weeks ago. 

"Can't Melody? I don't know, change you back?"

"She can't. She said I needed to start masculinisation myself, but I can't do that for at least six months and even after that Mum wouldn't let me."

"Then why could she girlify you with no issues?"

"Because she's a girl, and she possessed me." There was no hiding the tears anymore.

"None of that means we have to treat you like a girl at the table."

"Adam." Her eyes were full of tears. She couldn't take this anymore. "Please, just don't." False hope was too much. She knew she would never be a guy in the eyes of most people again, a few treating her like one would only hurt her more.

"Okay. Just know I'll always be here, bro."

"Thanks, Adam."